Sister froze me out, now pretending nothing happened

[thestamp]

My sister dealt really poorly with my divorce, in a way that properly broke my heart at the time. I had a thread about it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2606398-sister-angry-with-me-re-divorce

^ this thread was over a year ago and soon after it, my sister actually moved away from the town we were both living in. Text me for my birthday and Christmas last year and that was it, didn't hear from her. I sent cards for occasions, text my good wishes at times, and left it at that. I can't help that she doesn't give a fuck about me basically.

A month or so ago she text to tell me she and her dh are expecting. I congratulated her and did some cursory supportive chat in order to be polite. I mean, it's all awkward from my pov because she has pointedly ignored me and is 100% not interested in anything to do with me, but is now announcing her personal news to me and v obviously wanting me to fawn over her.

My DM has been in touch telling me that I absolutely must rearrange my life over the baby's infancy so that Dsis "won't be left all alone during those difficult early days" in her new town.

(Those who have read the linked thread will note the galling irony of this statement)

I replied to DM that as I have DC of my own and am under considerable financial strain after my split (loose ends are still being cleared up and I am temporarily in significant debt til then - properly over extended atm) I will not be able to go and make the duty visit for longer than, at most, 5 days. DM horrified at this, outraged/exasperated, why can't stamp ask her new boyfriend to pay for flights/nanny for DC/etc etc?, you need to be with her for at least a few weeks, blah blah blah. You literally couldn't make it up.

Anyway, I am rambling. Pretty upset by it all. I've tried to defend myself against the assault. It's been hard. My sister and mother are now texting me every few days asking "why are you so quiet?" (when they have, quite literally on my sister's part, been ignoring me for over a year and nothing has changed on my side, I have been quietly going about my business trying not to take the deafening silence personally). Sister has suddenly started texting me again, stupid, obviously forced/jolly things about the pregnancy in a transparent effort to get me to chat with her daily, support her etc. No mention of the preceding year.

AIBU to just breezily reply on my schedule, and not continue any real conversations re the pregnancy? I am going to give my sister the cursory duty visit that fulfills minimal family obligations, when the baby is here. I will send a gift when the baby is born. Should I really be pretending that my DSis is my friend, after how awfully she treated me, and when she hasn't apologise or even acknowledged what she did?

I know that my family are sharpening their knives for me already over this. I guess I want to hear if IABU in advance, so that I can adjust accordingly. Or not.

Reading this back it sounds awfully flat and emotionless. I do feel that way, I feel exhausted by these people and how they pointedly don't give two shits about me, but seem hugely confused as to why I don't fawn over them in return

Why would you visit??
Send a card. . Wish her and the baby well. Tell you dm she is welcome to assist her as much as she wants. But you aren't.
Your own life takes priority and that's totally acceptable. She sounds awful op.

Do visit. For a couple of hours to see the baby and then go home again.

Visit for a few weeks? Five days? Not a chance.

Why on earth would you bother visiting at all?

You need to stand firm. Seriously, why should you bend over backwards for someone who doesn't give a shit?

I agree with flapjacks. Why would you visit? Your sister has a long history of being difficult, to say the least. Why would you spend 5 days away from your own children to dance attendance on her. It's not like she'd appreciate it or be grateful is it?

Send a card and a gift if you want or even visit for an afternoon if you would like to. But don't spend the best part of a week there!

I could understand visiting for an hour or two if you were around but don't bother going out of your way and five days or more is insane. She wasn't there for you when you needed her, don't raise a finger for her, she doesn't deserve it.

If she asks tell her why. If either of them complain, block and ignore. Focus on your own life and kids.

I've just read your other thread do not lend yourself to this woman unless you can afford the emotional upset that it will bring you when your efforts are not reciprocated.

I would not visit for five days either as quite frankly she does not deserve it.

Can't your dm go and help?

It's a plane ride away (we are not in UK) so staying for a single afternoon isn't really feasible. I would go when my ex has DC for 4 nights running as part of normal custody - so four nights, five days.

I have decided to go in order to balance out a few things -

1. I feel dreadfully sorry for this poor baby and want to be able to say that I tried to stay involved in its life, that I cared about its life, from the very beginning. I have grave concerns about the safety of the family in general.

1. My sister visited me, paid a lot of money to fly to see me, when I had a baby away from family. Returning the duty visit makes me feel better about myself as a person.

1. I don't want to allow my sister being awful to make me into a person who doesn't care when a new relative is born

I absolutely would not partake in this 'game'.

Standard 'congratulations' message for the news and then a card or something when the baby has arrived. Id treat her like a work colleague.

No i would not be putting my life on hold to pander to her - she burnt all those bridges being an arsehole to you.

Move on and leave these wankers behind....

open to hear feedback that I am in the wrong though (i.e. that I should not visit etc.). I may end up going anyway, but maybe will ask my bf to come with me and stay in an airbnb or similar. So that I am fulfilling my sense of duty to the baby, without dancing too much attendance etc, or spending too much time there

Max five days and don't be guilted into more trips. Don't fork out for loads of stuff whilst there.

Why would you want them to yank your chain?!

Just turn your phone off.

They sound self-obsessed.

You live abroad, not down the road or anywhere near. Be thankful.

Oh, and don't feel their hit about you "feeling as a better person for visiting". They don't give a shit about you.
Really.

You'll visit and then you'll be posting on here about it, having made a rod for your own back.

My sister dealt really poorly with my divorce, in a way that properly broke my heart at the time

Tells you all you need to know, doesn't it?!

YOUR divorce. YOUR business.

I haven't read the original thread.

However, if you're planning to continue to have a relationship with your DS, I think a straight talk is in order. Maybe make your position clear for them as they sound a bit confused about appropriate behaviour.

Either way, I don't understand why you would consider a 5 day visit. That's a lot of life for someone you're not really into.

The baby isn't going to know or care that you're there. Where was your sisters duty and loyalty when you needed her through your divorce?

You're going to waste time and money pandering to people who don't give a shit about you. Spend it on your kids instead. Seriously.

I would absolutely not be going, I think you would be mad to go.
Send a present or card if you want I wouldn't .

Sorry, x post. I respect your choice OP. Sometimes we have to do these things in order to maintain our own personal integrity. Hold your head high and remember grey rock.

Is 5 days really a very long time? To me that is a fairly short visit. Particularly when a new baby is involved.

I am not trying to be difficult, btw. I am taking on board what is being said and trying to think critically about it all. The time may come and I suppose I may decide not to go.

It's difficult though. My heart goes out to the baby. I want to meet that little person, send it birthday cards and letters, show it love, starting with its birth.

I wish things weren't like this with my sister. I never dreamed that she would drive this wedge between us, and be so callous about it. I think I am really mourning the idea that we would have a relationship of some kind.

The baby won't have a clue if you are there or not. You won't be going for the baby, you'll be going for your sister - and quite frankly, why the fuck should you?

Congratulations, card and gift and "All the best for the future". Duty done, relax, ignore.

If you do feel better in yourself for going (and I do understand that, although I wouldn't go myself) you should absolutely take your bf (boyfriend I presume?). See them for an hour one afternoon and then use the rest of your time there as a holiday with your bf. I am sorry for you op, your sister sounds like a shit bag and your mum enables her.

I think some people think the world revolves around their lives and that people should be there for them to be their cheerleaders when they want it.

The problem with this is that they're so self involved that reciprocating this interest and care doesn't even enter their heads.

I'd do the bare minimum you feel your conscience will allow you and if her behavior improves in the future, and she shows you that she genuinely cares about you, then maybe you can make more of an effort yourself.

I've read your other thread and I think you should not go. She's in touch because she needs something from you again (support/a slave through and after the pregnancy). If she wasn't pregnant, it would be the same as last year with her not bothering. The baby will have no clue if you went or not.

You obviously want a relationship with the baby and you won't get it if you alienate your sister so your only choice is to just suck it up and make the peace with your family.

OP I had v similar with my best friend from school days. In adulthood she became v self obsessed and all our other friends ditched her but I kept in touch. She has one DD and I am godmother and that gave me even more reason to make an effort, like you say, felt sorry for the child, wanted a relationship with her. However, her becoming a parent made her ten times worse. I do worry that the same might happen with your sister. With my friend she became completely obsessed with her DD and never asked about mine. It was as though her life was somehow more important than mine. The final straw for me was when I told her my mum had cancer. She said she was sorry to hear it. I then heard nothing from her for 6 months when it was my birthday and she just texted 'happy birthday'. Nothing about my mum or how are the kids etc. I reflected and realised I got absolutely nothing out of the friendship any more. Like you, we are some distance away so hardly ever saw each other anyway, the kids didn't remember each other or us and it just seemed pointless. If I were you I'd just think about what you get out of the relationship and how you see it going forwards. Have you tried talking to them about it? As its family I think I'd probably try discussing it with them first but don't feel obliged to do anything that makes you feel crap in the long run.