Sister froze me out, now pretending nothing happened

[thestamp]

My sister dealt really poorly with my divorce, in a way that properly broke my heart at the time. I had a thread about it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2606398-sister-angry-with-me-re-divorce

^ this thread was over a year ago and soon after it, my sister actually moved away from the town we were both living in. Text me for my birthday and Christmas last year and that was it, didn't hear from her. I sent cards for occasions, text my good wishes at times, and left it at that. I can't help that she doesn't give a fuck about me basically.

A month or so ago she text to tell me she and her dh are expecting. I congratulated her and did some cursory supportive chat in order to be polite. I mean, it's all awkward from my pov because she has pointedly ignored me and is 100% not interested in anything to do with me, but is now announcing her personal news to me and v obviously wanting me to fawn over her.

My DM has been in touch telling me that I absolutely must rearrange my life over the baby's infancy so that Dsis "won't be left all alone during those difficult early days" in her new town.

(Those who have read the linked thread will note the galling irony of this statement)

I replied to DM that as I have DC of my own and am under considerable financial strain after my split (loose ends are still being cleared up and I am temporarily in significant debt til then - properly over extended atm) I will not be able to go and make the duty visit for longer than, at most, 5 days. DM horrified at this, outraged/exasperated, why can't stamp ask her new boyfriend to pay for flights/nanny for DC/etc etc?, you need to be with her for at least a few weeks, blah blah blah. You literally couldn't make it up.

Anyway, I am rambling. Pretty upset by it all. I've tried to defend myself against the assault. It's been hard. My sister and mother are now texting me every few days asking "why are you so quiet?" (when they have, quite literally on my sister's part, been ignoring me for over a year and nothing has changed on my side, I have been quietly going about my business trying not to take the deafening silence personally). Sister has suddenly started texting me again, stupid, obviously forced/jolly things about the pregnancy in a transparent effort to get me to chat with her daily, support her etc. No mention of the preceding year.

AIBU to just breezily reply on my schedule, and not continue any real conversations re the pregnancy? I am going to give my sister the cursory duty visit that fulfills minimal family obligations, when the baby is here. I will send a gift when the baby is born. Should I really be pretending that my DSis is my friend, after how awfully she treated me, and when she hasn't apologise or even acknowledged what she did?

I know that my family are sharpening their knives for me already over this. I guess I want to hear if IABU in advance, so that I can adjust accordingly. Or not.

Reading this back it sounds awfully flat and emotionless. I do feel that way, I feel exhausted by these people and how they pointedly don't give two shits about me, but seem hugely confused as to why I don't fawn over them in return

I have tried to talk to my mother a little bit about it, that it's slightly unreasonable to expect me to drop everything for a sister who has ignored me for a year. My mother is v exasperated "she's your sister" etc. I pointed out, in turn, that there are, unfortunately for all human beings, consequences to actions. DM went quiet and then changed subject. There's really no point.

Tried a few times to talk to my sister about how I was feeling - this was before she moved away - she changed the subject.

I do think that my role in the family is "defective one who should be glad that anyone still talks to her" so they're all just v confused that I'm not falling over myself to be a slave to them.

I hate these people ugh.

Maybe I need to think of different ways to show love to this little child. Sending letters, starting a small savings account for when they run away from home

Op, you hate this people... They don't seem to care about, like or respect you either. So why waste energy on them? Cut them out and focus all your energy on positive influences within your own family.

The kid will be fine. It will be raised by nasty people that you hate so you won't have any say or influence anyway. Cut the toxics.

Hilda, I hear you.

I guess I am remembering being that child whose family never understood her or accepted her. Who no-one really loved much.

My genes are carried into my sister's family. Her child could be very like me. I know I am throwing pearls before potential swine -- but I can't help but think, what if a letter a year, a couple of photos of me and my family, etc., is a lifeline to a little soul who feels very alone in an abusive household.

It's just very hard to know the right thing.

I wouldn't go, where was she when when you needed her? She made the decision to shut you out, she can't just come crawling back now that it suits her, a card/present in the post and a congratulatory phone call is enough.
My sister decided to shut me out when she couldn't get her own way, as soon as she had a new job and needed a babysitter she came crawling back, I can't be bothered with her, I am missing out on seeing my niece but we aren't a close family overall, I never see my aunties and uncles and don't think anything of it

Its a bit much stating the child could be abused!!

Don't worry about that and even if it happened there is nothing you could do about it - families have dysfunctional dynamics but no authorities will give you the time of day in that regard.

It's called good enough parenting. Sadly.

I still think you should stand your ground if you don't then they will believe they can treat you appallingly without consequence

Stamp I've read all three of your threads tonight. You are an amazing, kickass woman who has gone through some really challenging things.

Only you can decide what to do but I think spending 5 days with a DS who has shown you little care and respect will only make you feel more distanced. I also think your DM has no right to guilt trip you!

I have a few sisters. We all get on great .But none of us felt the need to spend ages with ea ch otjer when we had our babies. So even if she was the worlds no 1 sister your dm is being ridiculous saying you should stay longer than 5 days. Do that much, knowing you made that decision yourself. Expect nothing from your dsis . Dont get into anything with her. Fly home and get on with your own life.
When your dm makes suggestions be vague saying oh dsis and l will sort something between us.
To be honest l didnt want anyone coming for longer than an hour when l had babies so maybe your dsis doesnt want this . Your dm should have no input into the situation. So dont engage with her and waste time and energy discussing it.

Sorry OP but you're coming across as a bit of a martyr. You know your sister doesn't like you or value your relationship, you admit you don't like her but you're still wringing your hands about going to visit.

As far as relationship with your future niece or nephew is concerned, let's face it that's going to be totally on your sister's terms and that child will grow up hearing her and your family's narrative about you. The reality is that a close relationship with the child is going to be difficult and as hard as it is you need to come to terms with that. You've done a good job of stepping back and not jumping to their tune. Don't get sucked back in over this.

You're over thinking it, OP.

People like your sister will use their own dc to play games with you.
The more interest you show in her child the more 'ammunition' you give her.
You will only be 'allowed' contact with her dc if YOU fall back into Black Sheep mode and take the abuse.

I have a similar narc sibling who behaves like this.....so full of her own self importance.
She doesn't feel she ever owes anyone an apology as nothing she does is ever wrong

If your sister can't even find it in herself to treat you with basic respect, courtesy or consideration - then why leave yourself open for more abuse?
You are a means to an end for her - there to be used as and when she sees fit.

Your mum can ask and want all she likes - but it isn't her place to decide for you.
Take your bf if you do decide to go, don't stay for too long at each visit in her house and make sure you DON'T do any cooking/cleaning/housework for her.

Mark your boundary between 'guest' and 'hired help' very clearly....puts the power back in your hands.
that way she will be forced to 'discuss' her past behaviour if she wants you to lift a finger to help her.

Maybe I am being a martyr. Sigh

I have some time to think about it, a possible visit is quite far away right now. Maybe I'll just wait and see how I feel, rather than deciding now and then gritting my teeth in dread etc.

Maybe by insisting on being the bigger person, is just my way of getting back at both of them for being awful.

This is just another chapter in the toxic triangle with your mother and sister and there will be others, until you decide to accept them for who they are and erect stronger boundaries.

Treating every instance of their brand of crazy as a separate incident is pointless. There's a pattern of behaviour from them that you can't change but you can and most importantly, you are allowed to, change your response to it.

Isetan is right.
Print out CouldntMakeThisShitUp 's response and tape it to your refrigerator.

Maybe by insisting on being the bigger person, is just my way of getting back at both of them for being awful.
This can check a box on your tally sheet, but they do not follow the same rules, goals, or manners that you do. It will be completely irrelevant to them. I can imagine that you might be feeling confident in your "doing the right thing" where they would be "what on earth is stamp going on about?" .

You can not make them acknowledge anything positive that you do. More than likely, anything you do will only be met with some sort of dismissiveness, ridicule, or degradation and instructions on where the new goal posts are. "If you really wanted to be of help..."

It would not surprise me if anything you sent via post was never given to the child.

The only way you can get back at them is to never need them again. Keep contact superficial, if at all. I agree with the strategy of being a guest making a very brief social call if you do go. However, this is a prime opportunity for you to skip this visit which may induce them to go no contact with you. Result!

then gritting my teeth in dread etc.
Dread before you go,
endure it,
and then
(how much time to ?) detox from the contact.
These are all clues that you should not go.