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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend's mum

83 replies

user1497522710 · 15/06/2017 11:35

Hi

I'm looking for some advice about what other people would do or what you think I should do.

Basically, I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 21 and we are living with his mum until we can get a flat. I'm on an apprenticeship and my boyfriend has just recently started working again so we need to keep saving for a few more months until we can afford anyway. I don't particularly like his mum as she used to do things that I thought were completely wrong when she has a one year old daughter which I wont get into as on this site, people kept telling me I was in the wrong because I had reported her to the police for what she was doing. Our reasons for wanting to move are we just want to be able to start our own life together and have our own independence as we are both getting older and need to be able to stand on our own two feet but we'd still come and see her when we had time when we weren't at work. We sat down last and explained this to her and she responded by saying 'what because I'm so bad to live with? You're making me out to sound like some sort of monster. You won't be able to afford it anyway so you might aswell just stay here and if you cant be bothered to come round for a few hours each night then don't bother at all but you wont be seeing your sister' I think that was totally uncalled for just because she doesn't want to be on her own, she has prevented my boyfriend from trying to get work just so she doesn't have to spend the day on her own but unfortunately that's something she's just going to have to get used to. I work 9-5 all week, sometimes doing extra hours and even though I'm knackered when I get in and just want to go to bed, me and my boyfriend still go and sit with her for a few hours until she puts baby to bed. I think the fact that she told my boyfriend he wouldn't be able to see his sister is absolutely disgusting just because we want to move out and start our own life. It doesn't really bother me as I have no connection with his sister but the fact that she said that to him is horrible. She also keeps saying that because she's been a council tenant for over 20 years me and him are entitled to keep the 3 bedroom house on when she moves away back to her family in a few months - Can someone please tell me if this is true because there are families who are waiting to be housed and we're just 2 single people?? Or is it just her way of trying to keep us there as long as possible?

I would appreciate it if I didn't get the verbal abuse I got last time I posted as my circumstances have changed now that my boyfriend is working

OP posts:
sourgrapes28 · 15/06/2017 13:56

I would rent a room and get away from her asap. Rent a room! Rent a room! Rent a room! Please.Grin

I don't know where you are location wise but where I live your boyfriend will have to be on the tenancy agreement with his mum for 6 months. Then the council will let you keep the house, but if you are a young couple my local council would not let you keep anything over 2 bedrooms as demand it too high. You would still have a council home but you would be made to downsize.

Original poster
user1497522710 · 15/06/2017 13:59

Okay thank you. That was helpful, it was all I was looking for

OP posts:
Joysmum · 15/06/2017 14:12

Do what I did and what all my friends did. Rent a room as we couldn't afford a whole place to ourselves either so it's nothing new.

Plus you should get your BF to buy a least one copy of his birth certificate. You can google that and follow the instructions.

Original poster
user1497522710 · 15/06/2017 14:39

We don't particularly want a room. We're just going to try and get a cheap flat or maybe council housing

OP posts:
Original poster
user1497522710 · 15/06/2017 14:40

Obviously if we couldn't afford a flat we would have to go for a room and just deal with it until we could afford something bigger

OP posts:
user1495832265 · 15/06/2017 14:41
Hmm
Syc4moreTrees · 15/06/2017 14:48

He can get a replacement Birth Certificate for around £10. Hopefully that will help

Original poster
user1497522710 · 15/06/2017 14:50

I'll put on here what I've just put on my other thread so you can all see it aswell - that I won't inconvenience you anymore.

Because everything that people are putting on here really upsets me. Do you think I enjoy having no one to talk to? No friends to talk to anymore? No family because I get made to feel bad about even sending a text? Always being put down for putting a bit of make up on for work? And then you all put this and make me feel 10x worse just because I want to be able to vent, tell someone how I feel. So don't worry, I wont bother making anymore threads

OP posts:
OP posts:
caffeinestream · 15/06/2017 14:57

OP I have to ask you, why do you want to move in with this man? He controls you, belittles you, stops you having friends and doesn't even like you walking home from work on your own - you have a get-out here, please think about using it.

Desmondo2016 · 15/06/2017 14:58

Anyone else confused?

DestinationSofa · 15/06/2017 15:10

Is this the one who was banned by her bf from going to the pub ?

WatchingFromTheWings · 15/06/2017 15:12

He can order a new birth certificate from here:

www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/certificates/

disneykid · 15/06/2017 15:13

I think she was banned from doing everything. She had to stay at work a bit later one night and he told her there was no way he was picking her up if she stayed and she had to get her own way home.

sourgrapes28 · 15/06/2017 15:28

Other posters may be coming across harshly, but please see this from our perspective op. This man is very controlling and it's only going to get worse! To us it looks like you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and being a doormat. I really feel like in 10 years time you will be back on MN in a far worse position than you are now only you'll be married to him, have a shared home and dcs and you will be stuck.

I swear to god I hope I'm wrong but it really feels like you don't want to see what's in front of you.

springydaffs · 15/06/2017 15:28

I'm concerned about you op. I haven't read previous threads.

When the time comes, do the Freedom Programme. Click 'find a course' on their site to find a course near you.

You could talk to Shelter about all your housing issues. They are the experts in housing law etc. They don't just deal with the homeless.

It's quite upsetting how horrible posters have been. Do contact Women's Aid helpline 0808 2000 247 - best to call at night /overnight if you can (or look at their site and click 'national directory' to get your local WA office). They won't force you or get irritated, they will support you. You can talk anonymously to them about all aspects of your situation xx

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/06/2017 15:35

OP I think a large part of the frustration here is that you aren't venting. You are literally posting the same request for advice over and over again. You also don't do it in an open or honest fashion. Don't ask for you previous threads to be deleted because the posters are offering the same advice that you refuse to take. Don't change your name to a ridiculous user2247373737272 whatever every single time.
I feel for you, I really do as I think you've obviously had a hard life and are in a shocking relationship but you can't be upset because people take time to offer you advice and you throw it back in their face every time because it isn't what you want to hear.

I'm pretty sure your last post also ended with a "not going to post on here again". So, again, people get frustrated by the continual flouncing and drama.
As your parents seem to have suddenly become supportive, why not accept their help and get out of the situation that is making you unhappy. Or why not actually work out what you can afford (which you don't seem to - again, confusing and frustrating) and then get out away from the drug dealing boyfriend's mum who seems to be the bane of your lives.
I wish you luck and by all means update us, but i don't want to see the exact same post in another fortnight.

Brahms3rdracket · 15/06/2017 16:15

A few years ago councils took away the right to inherit council housing, and quite right too.

Your boyfriend must be pretty wet to be stopped from getting a job by his mother. Do you actually believe that BS?

Joysmum · 15/06/2017 18:06

We don't particularly want a room. We're just going to try and get a cheap flat or maybe council housing

Nobody does, but being self sufficient asap and not asking for handouts was a matter of pride.

Chloe84 · 15/06/2017 18:06

So don't worry, I wont bother making anymore threads

You said this last time. So why have you posted again?

BitchQueen90 · 15/06/2017 18:31

Literally all your problems can be solved by just leaving him.

iamavodkadrinker · 16/06/2017 08:34

Are people seriously still replying to this tosh as if it's real?

Original poster
user1497522710 · 16/06/2017 08:43

Sorry but who are you to accuse me of lying? This is my life, not yours so what gives you the right to say that

OP posts:
Donttouchthethings · 16/06/2017 09:07

OP, I really feel for you. I know it's tough hearing all this, especially the unhelpful posts. Even so, I wish I'd had mumsnet when I was young - it would have made a big difference to my life.

How do you feel about coming up with a plan of action? A 'Getting a Happy Home Plan'. You could start off by going to Women's Aid and looking into the Freedom Programme??

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Maybe if you start doing a few things just for you and your future, you'll start to feel more empowered and independent.

charlyn · 16/06/2017 15:49

Is this the same poster with the very controlling boyfriend who was trying to get her pregnant and always had to pick her up from work? If so its a shame you didnt take all the advice you were given on that thread.