Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Boyfriend's mum

83 replies

user1497522710 · 15/06/2017 11:35

I'm looking for some advice about what other people would do or what you think I should do.

Basically, I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 21 and we are living with his mum until we can get a flat. I'm on an apprenticeship and my boyfriend has just recently started working again so we need to keep saving for a few more months until we can afford anyway. I don't particularly like his mum as she used to do things that I thought were completely wrong when she has a one year old daughter which I wont get into as on this site, people kept telling me I was in the wrong because I had reported her to the police for what she was doing. Our reasons for wanting to move are we just want to be able to start our own life together and have our own independence as we are both getting older and need to be able to stand on our own two feet but we'd still come and see her when we had time when we weren't at work. We sat down last and explained this to her and she responded by saying 'what because I'm so bad to live with? You're making me out to sound like some sort of monster. You won't be able to afford it anyway so you might aswell just stay here and if you cant be bothered to come round for a few hours each night then don't bother at all but you wont be seeing your sister' I think that was totally uncalled for just because she doesn't want to be on her own, she has prevented my boyfriend from trying to get work just so she doesn't have to spend the day on her own but unfortunately that's something she's just going to have to get used to. I work 9-5 all week, sometimes doing extra hours and even though I'm knackered when I get in and just want to go to bed, me and my boyfriend still go and sit with her for a few hours until she puts baby to bed. I think the fact that she told my boyfriend he wouldn't be able to see his sister is absolutely disgusting just because we want to move out and start our own life. It doesn't really bother me as I have no connection with his sister but the fact that she said that to him is horrible. She also keeps saying that because she's been a council tenant for over 20 years me and him are entitled to keep the 3 bedroom house on when she moves away back to her family in a few months - Can someone please tell me if this is true because there are families who are waiting to be housed and we're just 2 single people?? Or is it just her way of trying to keep us there as long as possible?

I would appreciate it if I didn't get the verbal abuse I got last time I posted as my circumstances have changed now that my boyfriend is working

OP posts:

dustarr73 · 15/06/2017 12:37

Deja vu anyone

NilesCrane · 15/06/2017 12:39

*I don't understand why people come here for advice, 99% of people say the same thing and then the OP just ignores it all. Just do what you want, you're going to anyway.

Yep, over multiple threads.

NilesCrane · 15/06/2017 12:39

Bold failed there.

SparklyMagpie · 15/06/2017 12:42

tccat do yourself a favour and read OP's past threads about her controlling dick of a boyfriend and his druggie mum who has a 1 year old baby who the OP cannot stand, then you might understand the comments

SisterhoodisPowerful · 15/06/2017 12:42

If you can't afford a flat, rent a room together. It's what most people have to do when they're adults.

caffeinestream · 15/06/2017 12:49

Does he still insist on picking you/taking you from work, and telling you you can't go out with your friends?

NewPurrs5 · 15/06/2017 12:51

ttcat I'm not usually so harsh but honestly this girl has posted several times over- pages and pages of support and practical advise come rolling in and it's like she has her fingers in her ears!

OP go home to your parents and give yourself time to grow up.

tccat · 15/06/2017 12:55

Well surely if that's her situation it's help and support she needs
As with any abusive situation it's not always easy to see things clearly and ltb
Piling nasty comments on to her because she didn't listen last time is not helpful
People often don't listen or take advice because they can't see the woods for the trees , that's why they keep coming back and posting , to try and make sense of a situation or find a way out

MaidenMotherCrone · 15/06/2017 12:57

tccat please read the other threads.

DawnOfTheMombie · 15/06/2017 12:58

You'll just be the be the same thing over and over again because you're posting about the same thing over and over again and nothing will change people's opinions

MaidenMotherCrone · 15/06/2017 13:00

Have your parents done a u turn from being abusive to supportive Op?

Just go home and carry on with your apprenticeship.

DawnOfTheMombie · 15/06/2017 13:00

*be told the same thing

user1495832265 · 15/06/2017 13:08

I've definitely seen previous threads.
However, either my AS isn't working properly OR the OP has name changed because I can't find the other threads under this username.

Anyone have a link by any chance?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/06/2017 13:09

Yes the OP name changes to another "userlotdofnbere" each time.

Original poster

user1497522710 · 15/06/2017 13:10

We have applied for council housing but because his mum lost his birth certificate and he doesn't have a passport they'll probably tell us the same as everyone else - insufficient ID. And no, my parents don't like my boyfriend and I didn't have a very good home life but they still love me and want me to be happy and help me the best they can because at the end of the day they're still my parents.

OP posts:

Bestseller2017 · 15/06/2017 13:18

The way some posters treat this 18 year old is disgusting. She is young and obviously vulnerable. I don't understand why she is less worthy of support than other posters on here, many of whom do not leave their relationships after horrendous behaviour or abuse and that is their choice.

HeavenlyEyes · 15/06/2017 13:23

So your parents are probably right that he is no good. And if he has no birth certificate then he just has go google and apply for a new one. I would go and live back at home and get rid of this toxic bloke and dodgy family. I wonder why your bar is set so low that you tolerate such rubbish. A relationship should not be like this.

Original poster

user1497522710 · 15/06/2017 13:26

I would appreciate it if I didn't get the verbal abuse I got last time I posted
The majority of messages I've read are exactly that. I only wanted advice on the house. I didn't want to be told 'she always gets the same advice and never listens' Remember when you all said he wouldn't get a job? Well he did, like I said he would when you were all telling me to 'open my eyes'

OP posts:

user1495832265 · 15/06/2017 13:26

Thanks Hodge.

I did find three of the OP's other threads - she had asked for all her posts to be removed on them. Feel rather sorry for HQ having to do that and no doubt she'll ask again.

Just to clarify I wasn't asking for anyone to link name changed threads, as that would be unfair to the OP. I wasn't certain if AS was working properly for me so I just meant other threads under this same username.

Notreallyarsed · 15/06/2017 13:29

With respect OP, you've had numerous threads with lots of really good advice re housing, work, how to get organised to get your own place and many more things.
He can get a copy of his birth certificate from the town hall, he can apply for a passport, you can do the same. Peo

Notreallyarsed · 15/06/2017 13:30

Posted too soon...

People are getting irritated because it's the same threads with a slightly different slant each time. You didn't listen on the previous ones. So folk are pissed off.

ijustwannadance · 15/06/2017 13:32

The problem is op, when you tell us stuff like him making you come off the pill and controlling your every move, getting rid of your friends and stopping you seeing your family, him finally getting a job means sod all.
He is still an abusive, controlling idiot.

Underthemoonlight · 15/06/2017 13:32

ffs if your not prepared to take the advice people have given to you the first several times why do you think a new thread would be any different.

CatsAndCandles · 15/06/2017 13:35

OP, you've had lots of good advice but I get it, I really do. You're going through a process; one of those life experiences which a lot of us have also been through. You're asking us for advice even though you might not be ready to act on it yet. That's OK. I'm going to tell you anyway.

At 18, the chances of your relationship with your bf lasting are close to zero. (If you don't believe me, ask around.) These are your 'having fun' years. Only it's not that fun by the sounds of it.

Actually, you don't sound at all happy and that's what I would like you to be aiming for. Not tying yourself up in knots, trying to make it work with the bf and his demanding, druggie mum and sister.

Often when we're young and our loved ones don't like our partners, there are good reasons for this. I'm guessing that they want you to be happy too and also see that you're not. They can probably see that you're not a good match and can imagine a better one for you. They're probably worried that you will end up pregnant with this guy and consequently tied to this unhappy situation for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

Please don't underestimate what you are possibly getting into here.

Here's the thing:
Focus on what you want.
Focus on creating the life you want.
Make moves towards that.

So, for example...
You want a harmonious, happy life.
You look at your mil. You look at your parents.
Which is the best match to living a harmonious, happy life?
Choose that!

Hope this helps.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/06/2017 13:40

Well that's great that he's got a job in the fortnight since you last posted. I hope he keeps it and steps up to the plate. As I said, that should also make it easier for you both to break away from his mum. Why not follow some of the other good advice from PPs to start getting your ducks in a row for whatever you do next such as getting ID sorted, because without that you will have far fewer options.

Flip

1 2 3 4