I feel like this is going to be quite a long ramble so apologies in advance.. I just need some help.
My OH and I have been together for approaching two years. The relationship is generally good and we are stable I would say, most of the time. We live together, (my house/mortgage).
We recently suffered the loss of our DS, who was stillborn at 38+2, four weeks ago today.
We are both still grieving, obviously and we are dealing with things quite differently, however we seem to be strong and we are leaning on each other a lot, especially me on him. If anything it has brought us closer together.
The problem I am currently experiencing (and have been for a while) is to do with one of my OHs friends. My OH would probably describe him as his best friend. He hasn't done anything directly to me but I feel like he hasn't helped our relationship over the past two years.
I'm being a bit vague, one example of "not helping" -
My OH likes to go out with said friend to the pub or wherever. Whenever they go out together they always get way too drunk, to a point where my OH doesn't come home, so I am unable to sleep or relax because I'm constantly waiting for him to get back and he doesn't come home.
This friend lives about 30 miles away and my OH practically always travels to him instead of friend coming to us, so it's not like he can just walk home after he's had a skin full.
The most recent incident was a few days after DS was born - OH went out on his motorbike to run some errands for his business, which I was fine with, I appreciated he needed a bit of time to himself and he had been amazing during the birth of DS and afterwards, I must reiterate how good he was, I couldn't have wished for a more supportive and caring person to go through the worst time of my life with.
Anyway, back to the story - he also went to see some of his friends, friend in question included. I sent him a text message at around 5pm, (he went out at about 11.30am) to see that he was ok and when he thought he would be home. He said he wanted to see another of his friends and would come home once he had seen him, I was expecting him to return at about 9/10pm. He didn't return. 3am rolls around and he asks me if i will go and pick him up as he was too drunk to ride home and he had been hiding in a park because he was worried the police would see him! I obviously obliged because I was worried about him and I just wanted him home and safe, he was about an hours drive away, at 3am and on no sleep I wasn't best pleased but I didn't feel that I could be that mad considering the circumstances.
This is not the first time this has happened, it used to occur before DS was even conceived (probably happened between 8-10 times in total I'd say, where he didn't come home when he had said on the night multiple times that he was just having one last drink and he would come home) we have had multiple discussions/arguments about his behaviour in the past and that I find it disrespectful that he can't just do as he said he would in the first place.
I find it annoying as I wouldn't do it to him.
I feel as though he is two different people at times. When he is with me, he is kind, caring, attentive, loving, I couldn't wish for a better partner. Then when "the friend" is involved he turns into this idiot who can't decide when he's had enough to drink and he forgets that I exist. I feel as though he's a bad influence on the OH, although it's no excuse, my OH is a grown man and should be able to make adult decisions by himself.
Anyway, last week or maybe the week before (after above incident), he mentions he would like to go out with said friend to get food/go to the pub. I said I wasn't comfortable with this as I wasn't prepared to go through another night of panicking. He didn't go out, but he was a bit pissed off about it.
He then asked how I would feel if he wanted to go away for a few days with said friend on the bikes or go out somewhere far away and stay over in a hotel so there was no worry about him coming home. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with this at the moment although to be honest I am unsure I will ever feel comfortable with this.
I feel like he's asking too much given his twatty behaviour previously. I'm worried he's going to do something stupid or something horrible will happen. I'm paranoid beyond belief.
I have quite a few friends and different circles of friends, although I don't see any of them that often really, this is the way it has always been between me and my friends and that for us is fine.
I just feel like my OH wants to see this friend all the time and as soon as he mentions him my heart drops because I'm worried about what will happen when they get together.
I did think that if OH goes away for an overnight piss up session that I should do the same, meet up with friends or have them come here and have a wine and film night or something? I just don't know how to stop panicking.
"The friend" came to our house last night, we all had a takeaway and sat in the garden, had a few drinks etc and I felt ok-ish and better for knowing where the OH was(!)
When "the friend" was leaving I overheard him and OH having a conversation, I didn't hear it in full however I picked up "the friend" saying that he had recently had a piss up session and drove home plastered at 4am, he was saying "it's just not worth it, mate". I heard my OH laugh and say "Well, I'm not going to deny that I enjoy it" Friend replied with "you just need to build some trust, mate, start slow and build up from there".
Now this is sound advice in my opinion, that is what we need to do and ideally a bit of trust needs to be created before I am going to be comfortable with OH spending time with friend in question. I felt like OH's attitude and reply was a bit shit to be honest and it made me question him a bit. I feel like he's just going to behave like a prick again as soon as he gets the opportunity.
I felt crap after hearing it - I suppose it confirmed that OH still wants to spend time with this person who causes us/me so much grief.
I feel like my thoughts about this person are not all that rational but I don't know how to be comfortable with him and my OH's friendship. For some reason I don't tend to put all the blame on OH, I have blamed the friend instead and it's resulted in me having this seriously strong dislike for him.
I suppose what I want to know is, am I being irrational?
Can anyone offer me another perspective because it's going around and around in my head constantly and I need something to either take this away or confirm that my feelings are normal and I'm not being mental.
If it makes any difference, Im 24 and OH is 31.
Thanks in advance.