Vasectomy

[Cromie]

I'd really like to hear any comments people may have in relation to the following:
I'm 46 and have been married to my wife (who I love to bits) for 13 years. we have 2 children, 12 and 7, each of who have special needs.

Up to recently my wife had the mirena coil fitted until recently when she had it removed to help with some research.
It was removed in Feb of this year and since then she has said that she does not want any more children - which I understand and agree with.
She has stated previously that she does not completely trust any other form of contraception, I.e. Condoms and has, therefore, employed abstinence as the primary birth control method and there has been very little intimacy between us for the last ~7 months.
About 3 weeks ago she suggested that I look into getting a vasectomy which is something I said I would do earlier this year but was told not to bother at that time,
I am due to have a consultation in the next couple of weeks.
The things I am concerned about are essentially the risks I have read that are / may be associated with vasectomies, e.g chronic testicular pain, possible increased prostrate cancer and heart disease risk.
I can understand her wish not to become pregnant and to a certain extent the reason for her defaulting to abstinence but this has not been replaced with any other form of intimacy between us and so it is difficult for me to determine whether that aspect of our relationship would improve if I had a vasectomy as this would go some way for me to offset the possible risks that come with it.

She has always been the one to take the responsibility for birth control and I feel that the time has come that I should do my part but the long term risks do concern me, particularly if the status quo in terms of the intimacy in our relationship were to continue.
That said I also know that abstinence so far in our relationship has not been easy for either of us (no surprise perhaps that it has been more difficult for me) It makes me feel rather alone and unwanted - we do have an immaculately clean house though!?

I have mentioned this to her and she has said that she would revert to the mini pill or similar and that I should cancel the consultation which I have not done as I intend to discuss the medical aspect further when I go.

I guess essentially what I'm asking is:
Are my concerns re (long term) health risks well founded?
Would a vasectomy serve to improve our relationship and be likely to improve the intimate aspect of our relationship?

That said I'd like to get any other comments that people may have.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I guess the main thing to consider is whether you (as in YOU - not "you" as a couple) have done with having more kids.

If you and she split up, is it likely you'd want more children? If the answer is no then I'd go ahead with the vasectomy. Yes, there is an element of risk, as there is with any surgical procedure. I've read about (but don't know any) other men reporting persistent pain afterwards, but all the mates I know who've had it (plus myself) had no problems with it. Some mild discomfort which went after a day or so.

My partner has had one as he doesn't want any more kids, and it's been good for our sex life as I never have the pregnancy worry in back of my mind. I also absolutely love not having to take and even more so not worry about sorting contraception/medicine either.

He was sore and off work for 1-2 days after with big bag of ice. And then subtle soreness for 2 weeks after (as in we couldn't have sex but he was fine aside from that). I dropped him off and collected him same day.

I wasn't aware of increased health risks and actually thought it helped reduce chances of prostate cancer? But I'll be honest I think I just got that as hearsay. Perhaps have a chat with a doctor in person, internet can really fuel all sorts of panic.

My dad had one and has prostate cancer currently but doctor has indicated it is linked. He's just at the prime age and health for it (60s) and it's in our genes. He didn't get checked soon enough to have it all sorted in time. If you are worried for prostate cancer, just get regular check ups. Sorry going off topic here....

*Hasn't indicated it's linked .

Would you not be better speaking to your GP about side effects of the V.

The risks of having a vasectomy are incredibly low. It is a simple, quick procedure. You'll be a little uncomfortable for a couple of days and then you'll be fine. Just man up and get it done. The stress your wife feels about getting pregnant is suffocating. Trust me, I've been there. And birth control pills can be a huge gamble. Ask my husband. Our two children are living proof of that.

The risks of having a vasectomy are incredibly low

Not strictly true. The risk of chronic pain is 10% which is not as low as you might think.

Intimacy queries really are for your wife. Fear of pregnancy is certainly a passion killer though.

The risk of pregnancy and child birth surely have far more risks than a vasectomy and much longer consequences. Whether or not the vasectomy will resurrect your sex life isn't something we can answer, I'd suggest talking to your wife. If it didn't resurrect it how would you feel post-op and you broke up and then met someone else? Would you regret your decision? Would she be willing to get intimate but avoid Piv? With two special needs children your wife might feel overwhelmed and exhausted, how much support do you give her?

I had mine two years ago, I'll be honest it wasn't pleasant in the short term but the benefits are now well worth it.

Negatives

• it's wasn't the walk in the park I had been led to believe and it the first 24hrs were not great. I'd had a surgical procedure on my balls for goodness sake. (FYI This was not in a uk hospital)
• Certain people will think it's all a big joke, diminish it etc. It's not, it's a more or less permanent end to your fertility, people don't joke around about hysterectomies, you will inevitably get people making unhelpful comparisons to the pain of childbirth
• this doesn't get discussed but anecdotally from a couple of mates all three of us acknowledged that our balls were a bit traumatised/ shrank for a few days while the bruising healed.
• depending on the procedure you have, heed the warnings about looking after your stitches, it's a bit moist down there.
• some people are back playing tennis, going for a run and back to work the same day... I had a weekend off and back to the office but it was about five days before I went back to normal boxers, seven before back to exercising and a very careful "test wank" supported by my lovely wife.

Positives

• wife no longer having to ingest hormones or use any other form of contraception together
• annoying those in your peer group who haven't had it done and basking in the smugness of what a great, caring husband you are by doing it out of concern for your family.
• spontaneous, worry free sex (I must admit we were a little cavalier with the interim period before the second sperm count but it all worked out)

Conclusion
Well worth it, benefits outweigh the risk

My DH and I are planning one. I'm accidentally pregnant with #4 in 4 yrs (first 3 were planned). The accident happened because after years and years of taking the pill (which has risks too) and after 3 back to back pregnancies with horrific morning sickness, pelvic gurdle pain, permanent damage from labour and a cocktail of pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones which impacted me in many ways (vaginal dryness leading to abstenance and embarrassment being one), I just couldn't bear the low moods, deadened sex drive and continuing physical reactions to the pill. Condoms are a mood killer for us. I was booked in for the coil (which I was scared about as it can also affect you with hormones or if the copper one, leave you with a lot of pain) but discovered this pregnancy the day before the appointment.

If DH has a vasectomy I can keep my body hormone free, have a sex drive and normal cycles and finally get on with my relationship with my husband without fear of getting pregnant (I did use a lot of abstinence between babies because of fear).

I think op you really haven't thought of the risks and ongoing effect if all the contraception you've asked of your wife for these many years. You wouldn't believe how deeply affected my mood was by the pill I had taken for 10 yrs before having kids.

Also, what about the damage and pain and incontinence most of us put up with for life after birthing even one baby. Have you thought of that?

Your vasectomy worries are understandable but those risks are so tiny compared to the ones your wife has already taken for you. Have a think about that.

Appreciate the comments so far.
As I said I intend to speak with the Dr re risks when I meet with them in a couple of weeks but ask that here as a means by which to perform a straw pole.
Theory and reality often do not agree.

So far as support for our kids goes I do as much as I can indeed I would go so far as to say that I spend more time with them than she does given that she essentially works opposite shifts to myself and the boys.

I know that the resurrection of sex life is not something that can be assured here as only we can work on that together but asking it here is to try and understand whether the fear of pregnancy can be so strong thst abstinence is considered the only option. If so would such an option change if the woman's partner had a vasectomy.
I don't think my wife is unique in this stance which is why I ask but I could be wrong.

The risk of prostate cancer is not known to be raised.

But the other risks of vasectomy are routinely underestimated.

But the risk of the serious complications, for which no treatment options exist, such as PVPS is around 10% (source NHS). And that doesn't include the other fairly serious but treatable complications such as granuloma or haematoma. And does not refer to post-operative pain lasting less than 3 months or infections or other minor complications.

Surgical removal of fertility is a biggie. If you do not want to be infertile, then you should not do it.

Yes you should take your turn at reversible contraception, which means condoms.

Has she looked at the risks of female sterilisation, if she want a permanent surgical option? They are routinely underestimated. There is also the newish Essure procedure which does not require a GA.

My vasectomy went well, there were no problems. the GP warned me about the risks beforehand but I thought it was a risk worth taking. It's completely your decision, don't let others sway your opinion.

Dh had a vasectomy about ten years ago. Prior to that we certainly had a patch where we didn't really have PIV sex for about a year due to fear of pregnancy. I had had absolutely zero libido on the minipill and i think i had some other health scare on it as well. The vasectomy has been brilliant in the long term but was certainly painful in the short term, both on the day and afterwards. I have to say i was horrified to find out about the 10% chronic pain figure and i think it does reduce the reasons to do it - talk to your GP about that. Luckily my dh and previously my xh do not fall into that category.

However, while my dh and i did stop PIV for a while, we certainly managed intimacy. Our sex life is nobody's idea of perfect but we are big on hugs, kisses, holding hands, primate style grooming etc [ MN vomits] and we also managed some non piv stuff. I think you are right to be concerned about how to get this back separately from sex. Can you talk to your wife about this? Reassure her that you're not asking for a definitive sex solution like the pill, you just want to cuddle and enjoy being close again, and that you are ok with no sex for now provided nothing is permanent and you keep looking for answers.

My husband spent a long time dithering about a vasectomy while I tried to find a contraceptive that worked for me without severely affecting my mental state or causing me pain.
We were careful with condoms but I am currently having a long wait to terminate an unplanned pregnancy.
He's not dithering any more but it's too bloody late

There was, I think if you look at other threads on here a very sincere guy who had undergone the procedure and was suffering with chronic pain. I wonder how he's getting on?

That poster is TheFuzz and his posts are in the contraception topic.

He hasn't posted in that name recently. But his account shows what a PVPS can really mean in practice. The treatment options are reversal, denervation or orchidectomy, and none are guaranteed to work.

He also alludes to how hard it has been to get the NHS to give evidence-based information on the risks.

I've known two people with very chronic pain ever since their vasectomy. It's solved the pregnancy concern. They no longer have sex and I think one of the marriages is about to go down the pan as a result because it's completely changed him and she can't live without sex.

As a man who doesn't want children, I looked into vasectomy very very carefully, especially having read some of The Fuzz's excellent informative posts over the years.

I won't have one. I realise for the majority of men, there will be no long term complications, but I'm not risking the potential of permanent pain and no sex life.

Dh had his yesterday. Has been quite surprised as it hasn't been as painful as he expected. Early days as to recovery times/long term pain though

P.s. I am waiting to get my mirena coil removed as the strings have gone awol so needed a referral to gynae - appt on 23rd. I have to take the mini pill alongside. I will be glad to get rid of all those extra hormones

I had mine a few months ago, as DW and I have two DCs and decided we didn't want any more - all went well with the operation itself (which only took about 20 mins, all told), but the recovery was mixed. It was very painful for the first few days, and a LOT of bruising formed. I then got an infection in one of the incision sites which was extremely uncomfortable and needed antibiotics, so the first couple of weeks wasn't great. Since then, though, all has been well.

One tip, though - make sure your DW has the common sense to realise you won't be lifting anything for her for a while. It'll save an unpleasant scene when you tell her to GTF.

My husband had one done almost 4 years ago. He was uncomfortable for a couple of days but that passed pretty quickly. The removal of pregnancy worries is great and has increased our spontaneity. I do have a family member who had his op reversed 15 years after they got a little girl as a result so it is possible if your circumstances change.

family member who had his op reversed 15 years after they got a little girl as a result so it is possible if your circumstances change.

It depends on what technique is used. My surgeon was very clear that successful reversal would be unlikely. The NHS doesn't cover a reversal either, so any attempt would have to be funded by you.

Very much appreciate the comments so far.
10% risk of chronic pain is my no means a big number but still a real concern.
It is unlike any other surgical procedure where it is typically entered into as a means by which to remove pain whereas the opposite applies in this case.
I guess it boils down to two arguments.

Physically - it ain't broken so don't fix it.

Relationship - the risk of pregnancy is a real one which is / can have an effect on intimacy in a marriage, in theory all things being equal vasectomy removes this risk which should allow both partners to relax and enjoy each other more freely.

That said, am I making the last point as I look a the world through rose tinted glasses?

Update:
I went for a consultation last week during which I discussed the risks with the consultant who stated that the risk of chronic testicular pain was as high as 20%.
Of those men about 4-5% end up with the removal of a testicle as the only way of addressing the pain.
Of the remainder about 50% are left with pain.

Personally speaking and the view of the mrs is that the risk is not worth taking and so that has been struck off our bc options.

I'm not surprised you've ruled it out. That's a very considerable risk of chronic pain you've quoted there. I wonder why so many men get it done? Are the risks not always fully explained...?

Btw, I decided a several years ago that I was through with hormonal contraception and recently decided that I was also done with the copper coil (funnily enough I am not wildly enthusiastic about having a piece of wire stuck in my uterus)... Anyway, I'm trying a natural family planning app, which claims to be as reliable as the pill. Wouldn't like to recommend it, as I've only just started on it, but thought it was worth a mention...? It's called Natural Cycles.