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Original poster

I kissed someone else perspectives please

26 replies

Whatsoidonow · 14/06/2017 23:09

So after years of arguing DP moved out and we have been sharing contact with DCs. He says he can't live with me and listed the reasons, I'm devastated but he is willing to considered the possibility of working through things but only if I can accept my share of responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship. Finances have been separated and we are sort of on speaking terms but limited contact. He's been gone for about 4 months and says he doesn't want to date but if I do that's my choice.

I did end up going on a date which was ok and at the end he kissed me goodbye and not I feel really guilty as I'm not sure if I cheated bearingbin mind I didn't instigate anything or give any signals it was anything more than just having something to eat together.

I am all over the place and wonder if I should tell him?

Please please help my get my head around this. DP has never ever cheated or anything like that and I would never ever cheat but technically we are both single so I don't know if we do get back together it means I've cheated.

OP posts:
AreWeThereYet000 · 14/06/2017 23:16

You haven't been together for 4 months, if you kissed when you was part of that couple or when/if you get back together that would be cheating, you haven't. Not that it's his business while separated but he also told you as such to date.

GreenTulips · 14/06/2017 23:18

Why do you feel the need to tell him?

Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 14/06/2017 23:19

He also voiced his disapproval if I did though! It's really confusing. It was barely a snog waiting for the train though in hindsight. I feel so stupid I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 14/06/2017 23:21

Green tulip because I feel guilty but then in the other hand he is blaming me for the breakdown in many ways and had ample opportunity to work on things. So while we are separated we aren't. Sorry it's so confusing!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 14/06/2017 23:21

On*

OP posts:
HildaOg · 14/06/2017 23:23

You are single, you can do what you like. Why do you want to get back with a man who you've been arguing with for years and who can't live with you?

It's over, time to move on, find someone that wants you and is compatible.

RiseToday · 14/06/2017 23:25

You've done nothing wrong! Smog away and enjoy I say.

Your husband can't just string you along and I'd be VERY surprised if he hasn't indulged in that kind of thing himself....

Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 14/06/2017 23:29

Rise hmmmmm I don't think he has! We are not together as in rings have gone but then why do I feel so guilty now! It was a good date though more than ok I just feel like I'm deceiving him.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 14/06/2017 23:31

He can 'voice his disapproval' all he likes - he's not your boss, you owe him nothing.

Move in and stop letting him into your head -

GreenTulips · 14/06/2017 23:31

Move on not in - that's a bit quick

Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 14/06/2017 23:32

Hah hah yes it's the most fun I've had in years actually and it shouldn't be with a very very good looking stranger!

OP posts:
thestamp · 14/06/2017 23:33

I think it's important that you take control of this situation within your own mind. Your h has left the home and finances are separated - he has voted with his feet - how he feels about you dating or not doesn't factor into anything. It's not his decision and what he feels isn't important.

How long ago did he say this stuff about you taking "share of responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship"? You say you've had limited contact for 4 months, so I assume it was around the time he left? If so, time has long run out and you can safely tell him to do one.

Even if it were recently, you're allowed to say "cool but I don't want to return to the relationship, it wasn't working". You say yourself that you have been arguing for years. Why bother going on with that?

Draw a line under your marriage and move on, I say. And you don't need to get your h on board with that decision. YOU get to decide that you are moving on.

Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 14/06/2017 23:36

We had a conversation tonight, he wants to explore rebuilding via counselling but he can't make any promises apparently as he's not sure I'm capable of letting go of certain things

OP posts:
RiseToday · 14/06/2017 23:38

What are his issues with you? I'm sure he has his faults too!

Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 14/06/2017 23:41

I'm messy, controlling, can't cope with the basics, bad mother, list is endless, my fault he ended up with MH and alcohol issues because of my PND, I stress him out, he can't deal my perceived chaos the list goes on

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 14/06/2017 23:44

You either try and work on a relationship with your Ex, or be done with it.

He's moved out.
Says he can't live with you and says you can date.

Do you accept you have any blame? Or is it all down to him?

Relationships don't mend themselves, so if you don't feel you can change or need to change in accordance with his list... Then just move on with single life and accept the end.

I have to say I'd be gutted if I was presented with a list of why my DH couldn't live with me.

You don't have an obligation to tell him anything.

Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 14/06/2017 23:47

I am devastated and would love to have everyone back in the same home. Yes to answer you, I do accept some responsibility as it's not been all him but the drinking and screaming at me was out of control at one point actually for ages which he blames me for and I think that's unfair.

I do want to change but I'm terrified that if I do change I will be doing all the work while he thinks that he hasn't done anything at all to end up here.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 14/06/2017 23:50

He sounds controlling

He has you believe it's all your fault whether you admit that or not - he wants you to try again but doesn't want to live with you - he's all talk

You need to move on - he isn't making you happy he isn't looking after you

Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 14/06/2017 23:58

No he isn't looking after me is he :( he doesn't want to live together with all the arguing and the way things have been - arguing in front of DC.

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 15/06/2017 00:18

As PP said is he controlling? You haven't really said much about what has happened in your relationship but you did say you couldn't let go of certain things! What things are you talking about? If he has treated you badly and you don't feel that he ever apologised or was truly sorry then it isn't easy to forgive and forget! You might actually benefit from some counselling yourself for you to decide whether there is anything worth staying with this relationship for. If a date and a quick snog are the most fun you've had for years then that tells you a lot about your life really.

In any event you've done nothing wrong and you shouldn't feel guilty or that you have to tell him anything.

It might be worth you reading up about emotional abuse and manipulative personalities as your behaviour might well be a reaction to his rather than the other way around. Gaslighting, silent treatment, constant criticism can all make you feel like you're the one to blame when in fact the opposite is true.

SandyY2K · 15/06/2017 00:26

Maybe the two of you really can't live together any more. Him shouting sounds awful.

That's not a good environment for the children.

Sounds like he blames you for everything and I don't think that's good at all. He won't accept his faults, but rather says you caused it.

I'd keep things very businesslike with him.

BorisTrumpsHair · 15/06/2017 07:29

Apart from everything else, if he is blaming you for his drinking there is no way you should be considering a reconciliation with this man.

You are properly separated and free to date who you please.

Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 15/06/2017 16:40

I've just discovered that today he messaged an old colleague to offer her a shoulder to cry on as she's 'having a hard time' I'm devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsoidonow · 15/06/2017 16:43

This is before telling me to trust him when he says he has absolutely no interest in having anyone else in his life right now as he isn't in the right space and his focus is on getting better and starting counselling to work brought issues. I'm a mess and I know I'm being weak and needy and desperate

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 15/06/2017 21:07

He's manipulating you. He thinks he can have his cake and eat it. Separate and go try out other relationships and keep you dangling on a string in case he feels like coming back. Don't let him call the shots anymore.