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Original poster

Widower with an unchanged house

43 replies

Ladylouanne · 13/06/2017 21:59

I've been seeing a lovely man for nearly 2 years. He's been widowed 4 years, I've been widowed for 6.

He treats me incredibly well - he's kind, funny, gentle and thoughtful. My marriage was unhappy in the final years so all these qualities in my bf are things I really value.

The only issue I have is that I'm increasingly becoming bothered by being in his house. Basically, I don't think he's changed a thing since his wife died. It doesn't feel like a shrine or anything, it just feels 'stuck'. There are a few photographs of his late wife around which is totally fine (I have a couple of my late husband in my place), but it's other things that bother me. For example, photographs of his late wife's friends that were obviously ones that she put up. There's also a little room that I think she must have used as an office with lots of little personal things in, including lots of photographs of the two of them.

I don't think I can find a way to raise this as it seems hugely sensitive. In no other way does he make me feel 'second best' or anything.

Do I just say nothing?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/06/2017 22:11

Could you just see him at your house?

Xmasfriend · 13/06/2017 22:14

Ooh. That's a toughie. Do/can you talk about his wife at all? Maybe say you were thinking of redecorating a room at yours and ask if he had any plans to redecorate at all?

Howlongtilldinner · 13/06/2017 22:19

Somebody once told me that men see sentimental stuff as just 'stuff'. I'm not trivialising feelings, but just that men don't see things the way us women do.

My partner is a widower too, there's 'stuff' in the bathroom, and in his study and kitchen. I've never heard him remark or ponder on these things, but she will always be in his thoughts.

His bedroom was a memory too, he has since decorated it. Maybe you could suggest redecorating rather than removal? That may be a way to address it.

Original poster
Ladylouanne · 13/06/2017 22:20

I wouldn't want to just see him at mine really - we live an hour apart and have pretty much shared the travelling since the start.

The decorating thing is a good idea but I've actually redecorated by whole house in recent years and just renovated a room recently but no comments on similar plans from him! There is actually an element of this which I think is just down to disinterest in 'homemaking'. I like my house to look nice and will often be looking for things. As long as his is clean and garden looks neat that seems to be the extent of his interest!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladylouanne · 13/06/2017 22:22

Howlong - I think that is right. I've often been taken aback by him offering me the use of things that belonged to his late wife on a very practical basis. I wouldn't do that with my late husband's things as they were his alone.

OP posts:
GuntyMcGee · 13/06/2017 22:24

Could it possibly be that he just doesn't 'see' that stuff? Like because it's always been there, he doesn't really notice it?

Especially if they were things that meant something to his wife, she put them there etc. Perhaps they're just not on his radar?

I agree with a previous poster, perhaps suggesting redecoration would prompt him to look a little bit more at his surroundings and make decisions over what is important to keep

SheepyFun · 13/06/2017 22:24

He may just not notice at some level, especially if he doesn't use what was her office - my parents moved into their current house about 15 years ago and haven't redecorated any of it, despite there being some unusual decorative choices in some of the rooms. They also have boxes of stuff that haven't been opened since they moved. My parents have both the time and the money to deal with this if they wish.

So I guess I'm saying it might be inertia rather than a deliberate choice.

The question is, where do you see this relationship heading? If you've been seeing each other for two years, then hopefully you have some idea. That may answer how much of an issue his house is - could you just meet elsewhere, or do you anticipate living together at some point?

SheepyFun · 13/06/2017 22:25

Sorry, x-post with other posters.

mayhew · 13/06/2017 22:26

I think the majority of men don't "see" houses in the way most women do. When I want to change something in our house, all my husband wants to know is
1 how much?
2 how practical?

Afterwards he might say he likes it but I don't think he's that bothered really!

Hassled · 13/06/2017 22:27

I agree that he probably just doesn't even see it - this is just what his home is like. Are you planning to move in together? If you're both happy with how things are, and your relationship is good, does it really matter? What's bothering you about it?

MrsPorth · 13/06/2017 22:28

I'd bet that it's an unconscious thing. He hasn't really noticed it or given it much thought.

Or perhaps he's thinking of the feelings of their children (if applicable) when they visit.

I'd raise it gently and see what he says.

Original poster
Ladylouanne · 13/06/2017 22:30

There is a definite inertia factor here, I don't doubt it for a minute and I suspect he would genuinely be concerned if he thought it was upsetting me. That's what's bothering me though - I don't think he's going to change things of his own accord as he won't see the issue.

I suppose when we got together I thought I would see some changes over time but this hasn't happened. We haven't discussed long term plans beyond being committed to each other, planning holidays etc. Practically, neither of us could move in the immediate future so the situation won't change much.

OP posts:
barrygetamoveonplease · 13/06/2017 22:32

My dad and I were talking about 'things' tonight. My mum died in 2014. He said that he finds seeing the alarm clock she used really comforting - knowing that she touched it, held it etc. So he keeps it by his bed.

Does it really matter if he keeps his house the way he has it?

JaneEyre70 · 13/06/2017 22:35

If you've been seeing him for nearly 2 years, I'd say you know him well enough to just be honest and next time you are there, point to a photo and say "I hope you don't mind me asking, but can i ask why you still have this up??". Make him aware that you aren't overly comfortable with it. He may be clueless as you've not said anything before and he honestly may not even see it. If you do say, and he doesn't make any changes, then you have an issue and I'd be reluctant to spend time there. You both have a past, but no one wants to see it on a daily basis.

Original poster
Ladylouanne · 13/06/2017 22:36

No kids on his side as I would agree that's a very valid reason for keeping more things around.

Hassled, I think you are right, he will just see this as what his home is like. What bothers me I suppose is that I feel like I am a temporary guest in 'their' home, and I don't always feel comfortable (I know I am a guest, but hopefully I'm main sense)

OP posts:
Somerville · 13/06/2017 22:37

Hello LL, I remember a previous post of yours about your nice chap. Flowers, right? (Did he ever buy you any?)

To some people, stuff is just stuff. Even when it belongs to someone they love and miss. So they don't move it.
Others are deeply sentimental about the stuff, so don't move it.
I think I'm your shoes I'd want to work out
A) which of the above he is
B) whether it would ever be okay to move her stuff (assuming the relationship is moving towards possibly cohabiting in the future)

Is it really that insensitive to ask him if he has changed much in his house since she died? And if he says he hasn't, then to ask why not? Personally, as a fellow wid', I don't think it is. But you know him and we don't. Do you really think that will upset him, or is it more awkwardness at asking it at all?

someoneelsestrolley · 13/06/2017 22:38

Personally, I wouldn't say anything to him. It's a very personal and sensitive subject and I think he will make changes if and when he is ready.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 13/06/2017 22:46

Everyone deals with grief differently and maybe he isn't ready to change his home. 4 years is not a very long time, after losing a loved one, for many people.

If your relationship is otherwise good then I really wouldn't say anything.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 13/06/2017 22:49

Should have added, when my grandma was widowed at only 50, she never moved or changed photos of my grandad, despite her having another partner from 53- until when she died at 80. They never lived together but shared a life together.

Mupflup · 13/06/2017 23:01

My guess is he just hasn't thought it might be a good idea to get rid of things / change things round. Not the same scenario, but about 10 years ago I left my ex, with nothing but my clothes, left everything else there. He rang me about 3 years ago to ask me what I thought he should do with 'the books', which confused me as I had no idea whst he was on about. Turns out that he'd left all of my books (prob about 200 of them) on the shelves all that time as he just hadn't thought to get rid. I've also seen recent pictures of his wife in which some of my decor etc still makes an appearance!

Original poster
Ladylouanne · 13/06/2017 23:02

Hi Somerville! No, I have yet to be bought flowers. I fear that's another thing that won't happen of its own accord.

I don't think he'd be upset at me asking, but I know it would make me feel uneasy. It feels like I'm being unreasonable and asking to remove evidence of his wife having lived there. I would be fuming if he asked me to change anything in my house, but mine is far more neutral territory.

He's just been on the phone (FaceTime) and was so bloody lovely as usual but I sense from the way he was looking at me that he knows something isn't quite right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladylouanne · 13/06/2017 23:06

Mupflup, that made me laugh! The whole issue on decorating though is that all the walls are completely neutral so he'd probably just repainted them the same colour and it would look exactly the same as before!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 13/06/2017 23:15

I expect it's mainly inertia, with a little bit of not wanting to move her things thrown in. I mean, I expect he just doesn't "see" them - and day to day they're not items of sentimental value - but if he were actually to start clearing them, they might at that time become "seen" and sentimental.

My widower fiancé's house still has his wife's things. Not much as he's not a 'clutter' person generally - but still bits and pieces. For example she had a dog, and there are lots of dog ornaments around! I think he's blind to them - but if he made a decision to clear everything away one day, it would be an emotional day.

Do you need it to feel like your home? Does it matter if it's 'stuck'?
You don't live there. I am perfectly happy and comfortable when I visit - but it doesn't and won't feel like 'home' to me, because it isn't. I don't live there - that doesn't bother me, I don't need to feel at home there.
It may be that if he wasn't widowed, it still wouldn't feel like your home.

You said you don't feel second best in any way, but you do describe it as 'stuck'. And you mention that for practical reasons you can't move in together yet... can I throw in a thought? Maybe for those practical reasons your relationships feel stuck. Good, but stuck - treading water and unable to progress to living together. And the discomfort at her things could be a manifestation of the frustration of being stuck?

In your situation I wouldn't say anything - but it's easy for me to say, as my fiancé's wife's dog ornaments don't trigger the same reaction Flowers

wrinkleseverywhere · 13/06/2017 23:18

Can you gently sound out who did the decorating when his wife was alive. I bet it was her, he doesn't notice it, has no interest in it & that it has never occurred to him that you may be upset.
When I met DH, he had lived in his flat for four years by himself and there was nothing in it other than furniture, a nice mirror & a nice poster. The mirror & poster gave me hope that perhaps he did take a small amount of interest in home decor. It was only when he officially moved in with me & we were sorting out removals that I learned that the mirror & poster had been left in the flat by the previous owners!

Somerville · 13/06/2017 23:42

Oh I totally understand you not wanting to ask him to change anything. I don't mean that at all. But just asking general questions to get a feel for whether he has changed things or not already and if he ever might want to or not. It feels like quite a natural conversation to have - but perhaps I think that because DH2 started asking questions about my home and DH1's things very early on. I was never upset by it at all - I liked him showing interest in my home and my memories, and even in the bits that were most difficult to talk about, like my grief.

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