Widower with an unchanged house

[Ladylouanne]

I've been seeing a lovely man for nearly 2 years. He's been widowed 4 years, I've been widowed for 6.

He treats me incredibly well - he's kind, funny, gentle and thoughtful. My marriage was unhappy in the final years so all these qualities in my bf are things I really value.

The only issue I have is that I'm increasingly becoming bothered by being in his house. Basically, I don't think he's changed a thing since his wife died. It doesn't feel like a shrine or anything, it just feels 'stuck'. There are a few photographs of his late wife around which is totally fine (I have a couple of my late husband in my place), but it's other things that bother me. For example, photographs of his late wife's friends that were obviously ones that she put up. There's also a little room that I think she must have used as an office with lots of little personal things in, including lots of photographs of the two of them.

I don't think I can find a way to raise this as it seems hugely sensitive. In no other way does he make me feel 'second best' or anything.

Do I just say nothing?

Thinking about you saying you feeling like a guest in 'their' home...
More thoughts about my fiancé's home!
You know when you go to a boyfriend's parents' home, and it's kind of nice seeing photos of him from years ago on the wall? It's quite a nice feeling of 'this is where he came from'.
I actually have that feeling, a bit, about 'their things'. I like to see the photo of him and her and their kids - some days it makes me well up that he doesn't have that, have her, now. But mostly it just makes me smile thinking of the happy life he had that led him where he is now, the experiences that made him.
There's a vase that makes me smile because I know the story - their story - behind it. And it's a bit like when his mum tells me something he did when he was 5... I find their joint things, her things, a window into his previous life and I find I like knowing all about him.
Her dog ornaments make me smile, because I know that he's not really a dog person, but he agreed to the dogs because she really was, and he loved her - so they remind me that he's a good partner.
I don't find it negative that her things are there. If I am a guest, I am a welcome guest, and I like that he has invited me into the stories of his life with her.

Thank you all for your really helpful replies - sorry, I fell asleep last night!

It's got me thinking a bit. Maybe part of this is me and I could relax a bit about asking question about things in the house. I think it's nice really that he is so comfortable and open about his previous life.

Ellisandra, your post is really lovely. I do feel like a very welcome guest when I am with him. He is attentive and looks after me the whole time I am there.

I wouldn't say the relationship itself feels 'stuck'. It has definately been a slow burner, development wise, and things feel to have intensified and becomes stronger even recently. I just know that any moves to live together would be about 3 years away at least, and many of the factors in that are mine, not his.

Just tell him how you feel. Don't press him for action, or 'complain ' , just say "there are times when I feel as if I am walking into xx's house, it makes me feel ........"

I agree with pp, about clean and garden neat and tidy. Dh is like this. If I passed away, I think he may be oblivious to this, re a future woman's needs, although he is incredibly caring and quite 'aware' generally.

That's it Oblomov. I was actually going to say that despite him being thoughtful and caring most of the time, i do actually think he has been a little bit thoughtless about this issue. The thing is, if this situation existed after he'd been divorced it would feel perfectly reasonable to say something. Because he has been widowed, it's harder.

Testtube, I can see what you are saying. I guess I'd just hoped he would take the initiative himself, rather than having to have this pointed out.

He's not doing anything wrong as such so in common with any situation like this, either YOU have to change (by working at letting it go in your own mind) or he does (probably prompted by a few gentle questions that encourage him to pack away done stuff or at least reassure you what the stuff means to him). Since you say moving in is years away, I'd start by trying to let it go - and if you can't it is gentle question time. Good luck, you both sound like really nice people.

As other people say he just doesn't see it.

I really don't see why it's a problem at all. Decent men are pretty hard to find just enjoy having found one. Out of the five sisters in my family two of us found decent men the rest have endured a parade of arseholes.

He is a really decent man and having had a difficult marriage, I agree they are thin on the ground.

I'll keep trying with the sorting out my own head but might just try a gentle question if the opportunity arises. Hints won't do it I suspect!

I agree with Peanut it wouldn't be an issue with me. But I think I tend not to "see" things too. Then I spot something I've lived with for years and I'm surprised by it.

Sadly I also agree with Peanut's nicely worded parade of arseholes. Yep, my family's experience too.

I wouldn't say anything ,4 years isn't very long imo and he'll do it when he's ready or maybe at the point you move in ( if you do!) or perhaps not at all but all is ok if he's a decent man.

My mother died many years ago and my dad has never got over it. When he moved out of our family home he got rid of a lot of stuff but the things he kept went 'where they belonged' in his new house. This genuinely had little to do with his feelings about mum, just that, in his mind that was just where things went. He has a pot with a lid thing that he makes pickled onions in- that goes on the kitchen windowsill. The cactus I brought home from school goes on the upstairs landing windowsill.....particular pictures were re hung at the same 'site' in the new house. When I spoke to him about it he just seemed perplexed as to why they would go elsewhere! Try not to take it too personally op.

I discussed this briefly with DH2 this morning. He said he asked about the things in my house mostly because he thinks when people have something on display it means they are at least happy to be asked about them, and possibly actively want to talk about them. (And he's right about that - or for me at least. Very personal items, like letters, are packed away.)

He said he begun realising quickly that a lot of things that appeared to have belonged to DH1's weren't around the house because in any way it was being preserved as a museum. (And actually, I'm not really sentimental and had changed a lot.) But purely because in the course of nearly twenty years together, things that had started as DH's very much felt like 'ours' and I hadn't thought to replace them. For example, I wouldn't replace my awesome l'atelier du vin corkscrew with a cheap one just because its engraved with a 'thank you for being best man' message to DH1.

We didn't have a practical choice other than for Dh2 to move in here when we got married, so we talked loads more at that point of course. Space is at a premium and it was a good opportunity to pack some of 'Dh1's things' away to keep them nice for our DC. In your shoes I'd want to know that this would be happening at that point, I think.

I'd say you should only really bring it up if you were going to move in together! Otherwise, maybe the odd questions about certain photos or objects may help him realise how much is there that.may be time to move around (mainly photos of people he doesn't know etc.) X

Grief is different for everyone. There's no right way or wrong way to grieve, and there's no timetable. If your marriage was unhappy towards the end you may have the grief along with relief, and guilt at the relief and be ready to move "on" much faster. If his marriage was great right up to the end, his grief is going to be completely different, he may have guilt with moving "on" when really it is moving forward. Moving on, moving forward looks different for everyone. He's two years behind you, probably with a completely different relationship to grieve. Taking the step to date is huge. His late wife is a part of him. If you are embracing him, you have to embrace her too.
Grief is just hard work, it's a rollercoaster and you get hit at the oddest times. Eight years in I was in tears the other day when I found some things during a clean out (and I'm in tears now - damn you grief!). And I've dated other people during that time.

Been working all day so had a chance to read these extra comments.

Somer - thank you for your extra research this morning! I agree there is something about things becoming joint, even if they originally belonged to just one of you.

Grief, yep, I can't deny it's a weird thing and his will be different to mine, which has been pretty complex. It's what makes me feel very reluctant to say anything - the feeling that I'd be being a bit mean really.

It doesn’t at all if he isn’t committed to another woman. If he’s got another woman in his bed then yes it does matter. Lots of people don’t change stuff and that’s completely their choice but if they want or have a serious relationship then it’s signalling he doesn’t want to move on and will ultimately cause a break down.

@Whenyoulookup you do know this thread is almost 8 yrs old don’t you?