Second wives...

[Thinkingloads]

Would it bother you if all plans you made with H, he then discussed in detail with his ExW?

TBH I have the most disgusting ex ever - if i met a man and he was good friends with his ex i would like that and view it as a sign he was decent. it depends though obviously on why you feel uneasy and if it is sneaky etc then probably not so much.

Is there a reason he would be talking to her about your plans?

Thank you for your response, glad I'm not alone! I just don't get it, makes me cross. Tonight it was our holiday, not even fully booked yet and he is on his phone discussing it with ExW

Yes. Yes it would. Rightly or wrongly. My dh had such a bloody amicable split even tho she cheated on him but he respected my immature and jealous streak lol and distanced himself until they eventually had no contact (no kids etc). I swear she realised she'd let a good one go and regretted it - she would do things like invite just him to parties etc. She can fuck off lol, much easier to have a vile, abusive ex like mine

I get that they can be friends and that's fine with me but often feels like three people in a marriage! H just won't get it, it would be nice not to have to share everything

Goodness only knows what my (now late) ex said to wife 2 and wife 3. When we were married, he lied to all his friends about me, making up a personality for me that had nothing to do with the real me. It never occurred to me to care what he said to his wives.

Of all the ways second wives get a bum deal, this isn't the worst or anything like, but I would want to know why.

Why is he talking to her? Do they have children because that would be a relevant reason for him to explain his plans. If that's not the issue and he can't let go of her then you have a big problem.

I would worry that he hasn't properly disassociated from his ex-wife or he was wanting to make her jealous, either way it shows that there are unresolved feelings still at play

There'll always be a thing, whether really positive or negative withbthe first person someone marries. This seems a bit too far though

I was going to ask if they have DC they need to make plans for?

No kids. It's all a bit shit isn't it, just can't settle, 3 people in this marriage and I hate it. All plans get discussed.

There's no reason for him to keep her in his life then. That's not fair on you. He's not over her. You can do better than him. You deserve to be in a two person marriage, not a three person!

If I was to bring it up as an issue with H he would tell me that I'm the one with the problem, it would be my issue.

If there are no children, there is no need to be discussing plans. It's fine to be amicable but he's going overboard.

'If I was to bring it up as an issue with H he would tell me that I'm the one with the problem, it would be my issue.'

And my reply would be - 'No, it's your issue. Because you're going to be looking down the barrel of a second divorce if you don't cop on, and quickly. I want a marriage with us two in it and no-one else. If you don't want to distance yourself from her, I'm going to distance myself from you both.'

And do it. This is ridiculous. Give him a short timescale to drop this nonsense, or give him the boot.

If there are no kids involved then there is no reason for him to be in her life at all. I don't get why people stay so close to exes, especially when it's hurting their new partner. This level of detail and discussing your plans is just bonkers. Tell him he's no longer married to this woman! Sorry this would make me so angry.

No kids? That's not on then. Agree with Fizzy. How long have you been together? Has he always been like this?

As long as you dont share your plans with anyone then you can ask that he does the same.

(oops, forgot men and women cant be friends on MN).

Perhaps during the next phone call he can pass the receiver over to you so that you can discuss how he performs in bed?

What? I assumed they were in contact because of children. If there's no kids why on earth are they talking? Your plans are none of her damn business. Would he mind if you had an ex you discussed everything with?

Men and women can be friends, problem I have had is that 3 of the 6 men who I would have classed as really good friends have turned round and declared feelings for me.

It's a bit crowded, as Diana would say.

I'm aghast at this op. Really aghast. And for him to say you're the one with the problem?!?