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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has admitted 2 affairs!!!

29 replies

JellyNump · 20/03/2007 11:39

This has been going on a while now. He has been 'weird' since last Aug/Sept and then in Feb finally decided he wanted to split up, then about 2 weeks later on a Friday night called and said he wanted to talk. He said he wanted to have another go at things, and I pointed out I didn't want to split up in the first place, he was the one who said about splitting up and said he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to go to RELATE as he saw no point and no one could change the way he felt. Then on the Saturday he picked me up from work and said he needed to tell me things about 2 situations, I needed to know about. He said back in Sept he had been with this girl from work while I had been with B & SIL and they had done just about everything but sex, and he also said in Jan/Feb time he had been with another girl at work but it was 'alright cos I only kissed her a few times'!?!? I pointed out that didn't make it alright as we were married. Then on the Sunday he was on the phone in the front room to the 2nd girl he had 'only kissed a few times' and I went mad at him. I DD in my right arm and I slapped him with my left, he picked us up and threw us across the room where we landed on the sofa. I walked out with DD and took her to my parents. Later he wanted to talk again, and he admitted he HAS had sex with the first girl!
He wanted to know what I was thinking after he told me so I said that I had had a gut feeling for the past 6+ months that he had had something going on with these 2 and he denied it and got really nasty and angry if I asked anything and he even asked me how I could even think he'd do something like that. I told him he had actually made me feel a lot better as the gut feeling I'd had had gone away and I didn't feel like I was paranoid anymore.
Solicitor coming this afternoon to sort stuff....I'm a bit scared of that.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/03/2007 11:42

He's shagged both of them. He's a liar who used physical force on you instead of controlling his temper like an adult.

He's a manipulative bastard who is trying ot make YOU feel bad about HIS cheating.

In the long run, both you and your children are better off without him.

MadameWeb · 20/03/2007 11:43

you poor,poor thing

you are doing the right thing, by divorcing (i assume thats why the solicitor is coming round?)

hes a nasty disrespectful piece of dirt, and for him to throw you and your daughter across the room is unbelievable,

you are better off without him!

((((((())))))))

keeplaughing · 20/03/2007 11:47

Why did he NEED to tell you this, and like this. He needed to offload his guilt more like. He is obviously very confused, he leaves then says he wants you back, then wants to know how you feel when he tells you he's been with so else, then gfets angry at your (justifiable) reaction. Keep him away while you think what you want to do

Original poster
JellyNump · 20/03/2007 11:50

He said he would say it was self defence because I hit him first! I pointed out that after the past few months I'd put up with and the fact I was holding DD at the time, I didn't really think self defence is what it would be called.
I'm so fed up, sometimes we are able to talk about stuff to getthings sorted out and I want to stay amicable to a point for the sake of DD but normally we end up arguing, he gets nasty and its me who gets upset and feel like I've done something bad, but all I've done is wait around for him to come home when he's been out til the early hours of the morning or waitedfor himto text to say he's staying out at a 'mates' house. He says he has no reason to lie anymore and I said I have no reason to believe anything he tells me anymore.
Yes the solicitor is coming round to sort out a divorce, which is hard becausee I don't really believe in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
JellyNump · 20/03/2007 11:53

keeplaughing I think he has something wrong with him. I really wouldn't be surprised if he has some slight mental health problem. He is totally irrational and illogical. He asked when I was worried cos he didn't come home til 3am after finishing work at 10pm and couldnt get hold of him, why I didn't assume he was ok and out with his mates or in town or something?? and I said for the same reason I can't assume he was led in a ditch somewhere waiting to be scraped up by a paramedic. He cannot seem to think about anything in 'the real world'. He is a selfish b@$!@£d tho

OP posts:
keeplaughing · 20/03/2007 12:01

Are you living together now?

Mumpbump · 20/03/2007 12:04

I know someone who used to get beaten up regularly by their spouse. They used to say that they didn't believe in divorce and that marriage vows were forever. But marriage is like any other contract in my mind and if one of you breaks their side of the bargain, then the other has the option to consider themselves released from their vows. Took years and a lot of abuse before the person I knew divorced their spouse...

Original poster
JellyNump · 20/03/2007 12:16

No I am at my parents with DD. I'm not putting up with him going in and out as he likes all time of the day and night.

OP posts:
greenfinch · 20/03/2007 12:17

i'm so sorry to hear what has been going on, you must feel a sense of relief (in a way)having the affairs confirmed.

your husband's behaviour does ring alarm bells to me as it does to you from your messages, you are brave seeking advice of a soilcitor to start divorce proceedings at this stage, i would certainly follow through with a divorce after what has happened aswell.

what a vile man!

Muminfife · 20/03/2007 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

warthog · 20/03/2007 12:26

this is awful. the physical violence is terrible, but the mental abuse is insidious. you can't trust this man. i'm glad you've got your parent's support.

keeplaughing · 20/03/2007 12:53

jellynump - what do you actually want to happen? Do you want to divorce him? You sound as if you're not sure?

persephonesnape · 20/03/2007 13:30

everything he'll say btw - about how you forced him into this situation is absolute rubbish and the guilt talking.

GRUMPYGIRL · 20/03/2007 13:33

You deserve better than this, dont let him play with your mind - he assaulted you when you were holding DD that is unforgiveable.

mumblechum · 20/03/2007 13:55

As I'm sure your solicitor will say, you should apply for an injunction to give you protection (and occupation of the house) till the divorce and money side are sorted out.

homemama · 20/03/2007 15:19

I'm not remotely defending him but I was just wondering if he's always been this way or has this come about since you lost your son. I thought maybe if it was new then it could be grief. If this is the case then although his behaviour is totally unacceptable, maybe, with help, there's a chance for your marriage.

Either way, you've done the right thing. Good luck

Original poster
JellyNump · 21/03/2007 20:47

He was like this before apparently and as this time he has said it was because of Jesse (DS) dying, peole have actually questioned him as to why he was like it before Jesse was even thought of!

At the moment I'm confused. I cannot live with him and his behaviour because it has been as Mum put it, some sort of mental torture. He will go out,say he'll be back at midnight and then turn up at 2am, where I have been lying awake worried he may have had an accident, or say he'll text to tell me he's staying out or not and then not text and not show up or go out for petrol and take 1.5 - 3 hours to do so, then come back saying he was 'just driving around'. He will also take/make long long long long phone calls outside in the car, which I know damn well aren't work related. I AM SICK AND TIRED of this crap he's put me thru and the 2 affairs just top it all off. However we have since been getting on better and I think it is this that is clouding my judgement.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 21/03/2007 20:52

He is treating you like dirt. It must hurt like hell but fast forward a few years and choose whether you'd like the worst case scenario or the best case scenario. Your DD deserves to meet a loving, caring, partner and she won't learn that from this relationship. She will learn that its ok to settle for less. I wish you all the love and luck in the world. Stay strong. Stay focussed.

Original poster
JellyNump · 21/03/2007 20:59

Its really hard at the moment because I feel mean, I think its because although he has hurt me I still love him deep down (or the person he was). I'm convinced he has some sort of depression/breakdown/mental health issue and apparently found out yesterday MIL took him to a child psycologist when he was 3 but not sure what for? so a possibility he has something wrong??? MIL cannot admit to having anything wrong tho, DH older brother blatantly has cerebal palsy but PIL will not recognise this and treat him as tho he is 100% and although have been advised to register him as disabled, never have done, so it is possible DH has something that they have never admitted? I feel mean because he is struggling to pay for the mortgage and bills on his own now and from Monday cannot get to work easily as the courtesy car he has after writing my car off, has to go back. I don't like being spiteful and I actually feel sorry for him because of this, although at the same time I want to announce to the world that he is a lying cheating b@$!@^d!

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 21/03/2007 21:10

so, who is your best friend? What would you say to them in this situation? What do you want for yourself? Write it down and compare with your posts. Don't waste your lovely life and your dds lovely life hoping and wishing and wanting and trying, because it doesn't have to be that way.

Stand up and be counted. It will not be easy but it will be worth it.

Original poster
JellyNump · 21/03/2007 21:14

I know, if my mates DH did this to her I would tell her to leave him as he is a twat who has no concept of responsibility.
He seemed to like the idea of marriage and kids but actually getting stuck in and doing it.....he wasnt interested. He likes to 'look after' DD if we visit people eg: PIL but he doesnt normally do it

OP posts:
Original poster
JellyNump · 21/03/2007 21:29

WHY is he lying to me?????????
Last night DH said he would call me after he had spoken to his Mum and then he text to say he was on the phone to his uncle. SIL called today to say BIL had spoken to uncle and uncle has not heard from DH since a few weeks ago when uncle gave DH an earful about taking responsibility for things and stop being a knob!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

OP posts:
charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 22/03/2007 15:00

Jellynump

Do you think he's feeling guilty about the cheating and now doesn't now what to do - his he suffering from lost little boys syndrome?

Original poster
JellyNump · 26/03/2007 21:21

I dont know what he wants or what he's 'suffering' from

OP posts:
keeplaughing · 26/03/2007 23:39

jelly nump, how you doing, sound a bit pissed off?

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