Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsure if I can do this after all

34 replies

Literallottie · 13/06/2017 13:23

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband had been having an affair with someone from work. After the initial shock I took stock and agreed to work through things but now things have settled down again I feel like I am expected to carry on as normal. It s all I can think about and yet I worry that I will push him away if I keep wanting to go over the details. I wonder when he leaves the house if he is going where he says he is or if I leave the house if OW will visit him. There's obviously a lot more to this but would love to hear from people who have been in this position and recovered from it without being a paranoid jealous wife!

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 13/06/2017 13:29

I think the only way it can work out is if you're really frank with him about how you're feeling. Tell him you're feeling very paranoid and insecure about everything (which is totally to be expected after him doing such a shitty thing) and he's going to have to work hard to make sure he's reassuring you and helping to rebuild your self esteem up.
If he's expecting things to be just as they were before without any additional effort being made then he's very much mistaken. People can't recover from affairs without hard work. He's got to accept that one of the prices he'll have to pay is having you questioning him a lot until the dust has settled. If he doesn't want a jealous girlfriend then he should have done everything in his power to not create that emotion in you.

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2017 13:30

Why do you want to recover from it? You feel like you can't trust him because he's just shown you that you can't. Ltb

Original poster
Literallottie · 13/06/2017 14:02

I think what I am unreasonably asking is to see into the future and find out if this is it, how I'm going to feel now forever or if I actually will start to trust him again. I need to know (crystal ball) if this is worth my effort, just talking on here helps, I'm not necessarily looking for solutions but it's good to hear from others.

OP posts:
Brahms3rdracket · 13/06/2017 14:11

Is he still working with OW? What's he done to try to reassure you and convince you that it's worth trying again?

How did you find out about the affair and how long did it go on for?

I don't think anyone would ever recover if the cheating spouse does nothing differently, stats living together as normal and carries on as if nothing had happened.

noego · 13/06/2017 14:13

To be truthfully blunt, once the trust has gone it never comes back. if you stay with him you will have a niggling doubt I your mind every time he goes out alone whether work or socially. It's up to you if you want to live with that.

Adora10 · 13/06/2017 14:19

He's had no consequence for his appalling behaviour so in his mind, you've just to STFU and carry on regardless, not exactly the actions of a man that is repentant and sorry. Also the trust is now broken no matter how much you paper over it.

painsucks · 13/06/2017 14:23

I am just over a year from finding out about dh affair with someone he works with and still does. I still feel sometimes I don't know if I can get over it but not as much as in the beginning. I still struggle with my feelings and thoughts. All I know is that I want it to work and get better. I know I still love him. I know he loves me. So I will keep trying. He is trying his hardest to make it work. Did take a while for him to realise just how much hurt he caused and how he could loose everything. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Original poster
Literallottie · 13/06/2017 14:38

Adora it's not quite like that, he's genuinely sorry (I think) but he's a very matter of fact kind of person and finds it easy to shut off from things. He has had consequence, I wasn't sure that I was even going to try work through things for a while, this he says scared him so much thinking about what he stands to lose.
Painsucks thank you for your words, i hope you also start to get through this.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 13/06/2017 14:43

I feel like I am expected to carry on as normal

So who is making you feel this way OP because if it is him, he's completely out of order.

Original poster
Literallottie · 13/06/2017 14:44

Noego I'm genuinely worried that you might be right. Only time will tell if it's something that I can live with.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 13/06/2017 14:44

How long was affair, do they work together now?

painsucks · 13/06/2017 14:46

It's only been a few weeks for you and the one piece advice I would give is you don't have to make any decision about the future. Start by just worrying about the day your on, then a few days, then a week. The first few months were awful. Think it takes a while for the shock to wear off and for you to realise this is now your life. Did you have any idea or was it a total shock when you found out?
If you want to ask me anything feel free to pm.

Original poster
Literallottie · 13/06/2017 14:48

Adora I am putting the pressure on myself. Having never been in a situation like this before I don't know if this is part of the 'healing' process and something I will get through or if this is how I will now always feel. I'm conscious of going on and on at him and while he does have to accept the consequences etc if this is going to be the basis of relationship for the future then I don't think I can handle it forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Literallottie · 13/06/2017 14:52

Adora I don't want to give too much detail for fear of outing myself so I can't elaborate too much more. I'm not purposely being cagey.

OP posts:
Original poster
Literallottie · 13/06/2017 14:53

Thank you again painsucks

OP posts:
Adora10 · 13/06/2017 15:04

No worries, I see now OP but don't be too hard on yourself, you are the betrayed one so he must expect to be questioned over and over; it's a normal reaction for goodness sake.

Only time will help you with this, if he is genuinely remorseful and is moving heaven and earth to make you happy then stick with it.

Tbh for me it would depend on length of affair (length of deceit) and also if he is still working with her.

Want2beme · 13/06/2017 15:06

Sad to say, you'll never trust him again. If you stay together, you'll always have doubts about what he's doing when you're not with him, what he's thinking, what he really thinks of you, has he met or spoken to her today, etc. If not believing you can live without him is the major factor behind you staying together, I can tell you that's not the truth. You can have a good and fulfilling life without him. I've been through this and wouldn't put myself through it for anyone again. I'm worth more than that & so are you.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/06/2017 15:11

he's a very matter of fact kind of person and finds it easy to shut off from things.

  • no, he doesn't get to do that here.

No it's probably not going to be the case that you'll trust him again -why would you? That would be stupid! He's a cheat. Nothing to say that you can't on balance decide that you're ok living with the uncertainty and think he probably won't do it again, though.

I think it's too early to tell for you yet, but that your H displaying already the ability to 'shut off' that probably contributed to him being able to cheat in the first place isn't helping.

Let him know you're still thinking about what you want to do.

JoJoSM2 · 13/06/2017 15:15

Have you considered getting professional help?

If you trust the Real Housewives of Orange County, it takes 2 years to get over an affair. Perhaps it's similar in RL.

painsucks · 13/06/2017 15:24

I know what you mean about not wanting to out yourself. I worried when I have posted in the past. Esp as certain things happened that I know if people who knew me read it would know it was me.

There is another forum I use called surviving infidelity which has some useful information on there and forum boards for people at all different stages to talk to each other.

Original poster
Literallottie · 13/06/2017 16:29

Thanks everyone, I know it is still very early days and I'm not going to get the answers I need, only time will tell. I think relationship counselling might be our next step.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 13/06/2017 16:56

Its very difficult. I have been in the position of finding out something a long time after it happened (11 years) It was very emotional stuff he had written and I found , one sided Im told on his side and she knew nothing (I know the person) and extremely upsetting and for months I found it almost impossible to function as normal and there was an "expectation" that because I hadnt left I think that I would carry on "as normal". In the end (and it took maybe 4 months) he seemed to "get" how devastated I was and has been doing IC on his own and has stopped getting angry if anything is "brought up". As he now says he was totally in the wrong, was a "tw* and he feels "extremely small" and I have every right to bring it up when i do so (which isnt all the time) and that I am not to blame for any of it and deserved none of it. Even with all the remorse and stuff , I still 100% dont know if I will every fully trust him again and I have to decide in time if for me thats enough and you will probably be the same. I do know however that I doubt its something he would ever do again. I too am hyper vigilant in case she contacts him as he was posting on her FB page for years (and before I knew the depth of his crush) "when are you back in UK, be nice to meet up" or sending a few FB messages a year on messenger--nothing dodgy I have seen them but of the "how are you" kind of stuff. Like you OP, I think this kind of hyper vigilance lessens in time if there are no recurrences but it isnt nice and its difficult for them to make it right as whats done is done. If he genuinely is remorseful and honestly loves you, you will not push him away by wanting to talk about it, although it might take him a while to twig exactly how much it has hurt you and initially he may get agitated because its uncomfortable for him. Most essentially "good people" who did something really stupid and deceitful but as a one off really dont like having to feel like a total sh . I think my attitude now is "tough" , I felt like sh* for months.

painsucks · 13/06/2017 18:01

We have both had individual counselling first and then Marriage counselling which we are still doing now.

With the individual for my dh was to work out why he had done it and how he could make changes so didn't happen again.

With my individual was bit different as I had other life event happening at sametime.

Marriage counselling has been good as a space where you can say what you want and it's safe.

Again feel free to pm if you need someone to talk to or ask questions.
Xx

Original poster
Literallottie · 13/06/2017 18:39

I am on what feels like an emotional roller coaster. I know it's early days yet but I'm really struggling to function. I can't focus at work and am a wreck when home with the kids. I have had time off work but can't stay off forever and had to go back. Getting back to life as normal is what I'm especially struggling with, as life isn't normal anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Literallottie · 13/06/2017 18:42

I'm going to ask him about counselling tonight, I'm sure he will go for it. Thanks Yetmore, I agree with everything you said, I'm just wary of becoming that bitter and twisted wife who won't let things drop. If I find I can't let it go long term I will have to end it as I can't imagine feeling this way forever, i simply can't function

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread