Unsure if I can do this after all

[Literallottie]

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband had been having an affair with someone from work. After the initial shock I took stock and agreed to work through things but now things have settled down again I feel like I am expected to carry on as normal. It s all I can think about and yet I worry that I will push him away if I keep wanting to go over the details. I wonder when he leaves the house if he is going where he says he is or if I leave the house if OW will visit him. There's obviously a lot more to this but would love to hear from people who have been in this position and recovered from it without being a paranoid jealous wife!

I have every sympathy as I've been there too. Things got easier but the trust never returned and he cheated again. It was horrible to go through and if anyone ever cheated on my again, there would be no second chances! I deserve better than a life where I feel second best and constantly suspicious and you do too!

Those are my exact doubts. There must be some relationship that recover from something like this, hopefully mine can be one of them. He's enthusiastic about the counselling and says he's willing to do anything to try repair things

By all means try counselling, I did. We went to relate and he was initially very sorry and willing to do 'whatever it took'. Only a year later he was messaging other women and throwing it back in my face telling me that I was paranoid and should be over it. We'd have a big argument every year or so after that. 3 years later I caught him messaging another woman (who is now marrying) Something snapped in me at that point and I decided to start building my own life without him. We didn't separate properly for another 2 years but by that time I was in a better place to deal with it.

Relationships do recover but to stand a chance of a healthy future you need to feel assured that he has been totally honest with you about what happened, why it happened and when it happened.

Honesty always helps these situations best (the irony!)

Relationships or healthy ones require love, trust and respect. Your trust has been eroded and I think that only you know whether you can trust him again

Time does heal and where there's a will there's a way.

Don't stay and be bitter - if you decide to stay communicate your worries now so that you can feel more secure inside

Good luck I hope it works for you

Three (maybe four) years on from a similar situation here.

I'm not going to go into too much detail. I did post at the time, without changing my name, so it is all on here if you search.

Communication is the key. If you feel stressed and worried about things, you must not push it aside and tell your DH.

My DH was very like yours. Mr Matter-of-fact, just get on with it. Part of the reason he was able to allow himself to have an affair was because he was so adept at squashing things into a tiny box and keeping them separate. He had totally separated his work life from his home life, had become an expert at compartmentalising things. So it was 'easy' to have an affair with a colleague.

The aftermath of the affair changed him. No, I didn't kick him out (for more than a day or two), I was 'weak' by some of the standards applied by other posters at the time.

He had individual counselling, which I guess gave him the tools to open up about things he'd usually have kept locked inside.

After the initial shock wore off, he still allowed me to rant, rave, cry, scream, shout and hate him. He never blamed me for the affair, never made me feel I shouldn't be allowed to bring it up, never made me feel that it was time I got on with it.

It's not an easy path. It does take time. I think it took around two years for me to completely let go of it. But now we are happy. And the trust has returned. He had to work hard for it. I'm glad he did.

Thanks Jones, I feel weak too and always said that if anything like this ever happened it would be over. Just goes to show you never know what you would do until you are in that situation. We are booked with relate now for an initial assessment but I've had some negative comments from friends that have said they weren't that useful and that they seemed to encourage separation

Healing is possible. All depends on how much your spouse understands and shows remorse.

This list is what usually helps the betrayed spouse, but it's still never easy. The honest truth, is that an affair taints a marriage forever, but that doesn't mean you can't go on to be happy within the marriage.

If your husband is going and continues to do the following and after about 6 months to a year, you still feel as you do, then consider whether reconciliation is possible for you.

It's not for everyone and it requires patience and a lot of heavy lifting from the cheating spouse.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

I also think it would be helpful for you to read www.survivinginfidelity.com

It's a great source of information about infidelity and it gives you ideas on how to stand firm and not take nonsense.

You don't have to answer these questions, but...
How do you know the affair is over?

Do you know how long it lasted?

Do you know if the OW is married or attached?

If so does her spouse know?

Has he written a no contact letter to her?

Does his job require interaction with her?

I've heard this from the OWs side and seen affairs go underground after discovery.

From experience, an affair (if it was long term) rarely ends on dday. They just go LC (low contact) for a while.

If the affair only 'ended' when you found out, then that doesn't really indicate remorse and just that he's sorry he was caught.

It's always good to know the extent of what you're forgiving.

I can't agree more with everything that's been written, thank you.