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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone got up and left everything?

32 replies

Florida28 · 13/06/2017 12:03

Sorry if this is a long post and in anyway upsetting to others. My head's all over the place and I don't know what to do for the best.

For a long time, really long time, I've been thinking about walking out on my life. I'm off work today because I can't paint a face on it and do my job. There's just so much mess going on I don't know where to begin.

I love my husband but I don't think it's for the right reasons. We don't have any children. Little over a week ago I went to the police to report sexual abuse I went through from the age of 5 until I was 18. I've never told a soul but alluded to it with my husband. The reason I went to the police was a throw away comment made by my mum, I guess I reached breaking point with it. I'm tired of dealing with the emotions and issues it raises every so often. My family try to be supportive but have their own major issues going on.

I dont even know why I'm explaining all this. The only thing stopping me walking away from it all is financial. I have a loan and credit card and very little savings. Do I walk away with nothing, leaving everything behind and start from scratch? How do I do it?

Sorry if I'm all over the place I can't think straight at all but need someone to help me get things straight in my head. I need a plan of action to focus on Confused

OP posts:
temporaryfiles · 13/06/2017 12:06

What reasons do you love your husband, if not the right ones?

Where would you go if you up and left and do you think your problems would be left behind?

Sorry you are going through this, OP. Sounds really hard Flowers you did a very brave thing by reporting the abuse.

BadHatter · 13/06/2017 12:10

This isn't fair to your husband. You're only staying for financial security? That's selfish.

He deserves to be told how you feel so you can both find happiness.

temporaryfiles · 13/06/2017 12:16

ah...I see its for financial reasons.

So what you are really asking is if you should leave your husband?

Original poster
Florida28 · 13/06/2017 12:16

Thanks for replying so quickly.

I love him for making me feel safe, secure and like I matter. Are they the right reasons or good enough reasons to be married and with someone? He's given me the stability and consistency I've needed for the past 14 years, but all of that's just been blown out the water. I suppose he's shocked I went to the police.

I feel like I've lived a life of lies that's are about to all come out in the open. Since I was young I pretended to be someone I'm not and now I can't/won't pretend any longer.

I was thinking of heading to Europe and initially booking into cheap B&Bs, I've also thought about buying a camper. It's not the issues of my past I'm running from I've dealt with them time and time again. It's everything the whole rat race and everything that goes along with it. I just want out x

OP posts:
Misspilly88 · 13/06/2017 12:18

I think he needs to know about the abuse, how can he support you if he doesn't know?

temporaryfiles · 13/06/2017 12:19

Have you spoken to your DH about any of this?

Original poster
Florida28 · 13/06/2017 12:19

My husband would love to jump ship and take a couple of years out. But he thinks we need to focus on the years ahead. Pay off the mortgage, be responsible and prepare for retirement.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 13/06/2017 12:20

OP, so many of us feel like this at times (not for the same reasons) but its best to sort the "practical" in your head first, otherwise you will exchange one set of problems for another and different set.

Original poster
Florida28 · 13/06/2017 12:21

Not in any detail. He knew I had experienced abuse. He has no idea of the extent and details. I don't think I could upset him with all of that. What I have told him he says he's struggling to handle

OP posts:
Lostbeyondwords · 13/06/2017 12:23

Florida can I suggest that perhaps what you're feeling now and have been for some time is a symptom of what you've been through? Have you had any counselling? Did anyone know? I would guess not if you are reporting now, and I'm so sorry.

Can you not have a talk with your dh if he would he possibly be supportive of you? It may well be that after talking, after counselling, after being heard and listened to (and perhaps some justice if possible?) that you may find yourself in a different frame of mind.

You're clearly stressed and making rash decisions at a time like that is not a good idea.

Give NAPAC a call or look at the website napac.org.uk there is a raft of organisations that can try to help and support you. Please contact some or take some time out before doing anything hasty. Running away won't change how you feel inside. I promise you Flowers

Original poster
Florida28 · 13/06/2017 12:23

With regards to packing up and leaving he knows the lot. Wishes we could do it but thinks we should be preparing for the future and I know that's the right thing to do but it feels so wrong

OP posts:
temporaryfiles · 13/06/2017 12:23

So you want your husband to go along with you?

I am sure there are many people have thought "fuck it" - bought a camper and buggered off out of the rat race.

It doesn't sound practical financially though, and doesn't sound like your husband is up for it.

Lostbeyondwords · 13/06/2017 12:25

Sorry, cross posted a bit there Florida I don't know what to say, but going to the police is obviously going to dredge everything up and be a hard process. You will need support.

1Violetcream · 13/06/2017 12:27

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and that things have reached breaking point for you. I just wanted to say firstly having just broken your silence you are bound to be in a very fragile emotional state. What you have done is huge for you and you family..... it will take a while to settle. Secondly, feeling like you want to run away..... and all the fantasies that go along with that (Europe/ camper vans) are a sign of not feeling you can cope with your life and often that you may be suffering from depression. You might find that it followed you! If you love your husband for the reasons you do it sounds like he might be a safe and supportive person to help you get through this time. He may understand you need to change some things in your life, or that you need a break from work etc. I would urge to go reachbout to him and your Dr maybe. He's probably reeling from your revelation, but out of concern. Give yourself some time. Lots of love xxx

temporaryfiles · 13/06/2017 12:28

Will your husband support you through what is to come with regards to the police and reliving stuff from the past?

Original poster
Florida28 · 13/06/2017 12:28

Talking has never been a strong point for the real me. So counselling didn't work out before. I've got an appointment on Thurs but I don't know if it'll do me any good as in if I'm in the right place for it just now. The hysterical thing is, it's partly what I do for a living! So need to take a step back from that and look at a possible career change! Hence why I'm thinking walk away and start again just now while all this other chaos is going on.

OP posts:
user1486956786 · 13/06/2017 12:28

there is also the reality and practical part to consider. You can't/shouldn't just up everything with debt and little savings no matter how old you are. What about your long term future? Retirement?

Did you ever do 'gap year' when you were young? I've done a lot of travelling when young and it was great at the time but believe it or not, it gets draining, exhausting. I've set up a life in a new country and it was so so hard. Job, house, making real genuine friends etc. I'd never do it again, maybe a 6 month stint somewhere when retired, but that's it.

If you genuinely want to up and leave it all and start somewhere else, you need to plan it... money being the main one.

Sorry to put a downer on things but just being practical.

Can you look at doing more holidays/weekends away? Inject some new fun into your life.

Lostbeyondwords · 13/06/2017 12:33

Do you think maybe that's why you were drawn to that career OP? Taking time out could be very beneficial and it's never too late to change career path.

You may very well need some time before you can approach counselling then, you need to be in the headspace for it and it's not for everyone. But would you go and see them and sort of "feel it out" and see how you feel, seeing as you have an appointment (which are like gold dust)?

Original poster
Florida28 · 13/06/2017 12:40

He'll totally support me through what's to come. But I don't know how he will handle it or that we're strong enough to get through it. So again I feel walking away will save him the upset of having to go through it. And to the person saying in selfish for staying with my husband for financial reasons u've picked me up wrong or I wasn't clear. Being off work or unable to work just now has added to the to walk away idea, so I'm not a financial burden on my husband while I deal with my issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florida28 · 13/06/2017 12:44

The practical long term side of things I have little interest in worrying about, I know wrong attitude. I want to live for the here and now. If we focus on retirement and living life then who knows if we'll be here to enjoy it.
I've never done a gap year and it's probably why I'm drawn to it now. I suggested we sell up take a year or two out travelling then come back when were ready and start again. The other thing is my husband is 17 years older than me so retirement is in closer sight for him.

OP posts:
temporaryfiles · 13/06/2017 12:54

Can you go off on your own for a while, say 6 months to a year? Maybe do some volunteering in another country?

temporaryfiles · 13/06/2017 12:54

Could you ask your work for help?

user1486956786 · 13/06/2017 12:59

You don't have wrong attitude. If you didn't do the gap year thing then I can see your urge now. I understand living in the moment, but you do have to balance it a bit with long term practicalities too. Although I'm fine one to talk, I've moved to the much sunnier and warmer side of the world so it's much easier to view weekends as mini holidays.

Taking a few years off together would be amazing. If not possible, would he be supportive if you went away for 3-6 months alone?

user1486956786 · 13/06/2017 12:59

Then come back and try career change too.

Original poster
Florida28 · 13/06/2017 13:08

I'm considering going off on my own but how do I make my husband see I'm not walking out on him? it's like saying you hold the fort while I swan off for some headspace. I just need to find the right way to say it and do it.

Unfortunately my work are extremely unsupportive and given the line of work I do it's awful. In fact that's wrong my boss the CEO is unsupportive and has very little people skills.

If I could get my husband on board with me taking some time out from everything I think that would be my best plan of action. He agrees I have to change careers regardless, my job is making me ill and totally triggering, my family try to be supportive but are too caught up in their own lives. For years I've painted myself to be head strong, positive and 100% supporting others but I can't do it anymore Sad

OP posts:
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