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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In your opinion is this abusive to a child (possible trigger warning)

27 replies

Domino123 · 12/06/2017 13:32

Hi,

I would really appreciate your points of view on the following behaviour, would you deem it to be abusive.

Father of daughter aged 7/8/9 repeatedly plays 'trick' on her - when she goes to sit down on sofa next to him he will quickly put his hand out with the palm facing upwards so that when she goes to sit down she sits on his hand and this makes her jump up and away from him.

Similar kind of age father comes home drunk from the pub. It's christmas and there are balloons around. One is long and thin and he picks it up and tells her it looks like a willy.

Also makes comments to older daughter (14) about the size of the breasts of a person on TV and how the 14 year old daughter has bigger breasts than person on TV.

I just wondered how you would view this behaviour?

OP posts:
purplecoathanger · 12/06/2017 13:34

Completely inappropriate and very worrying.

Pinkknickers · 12/06/2017 13:35

Yes, totally inappropriate and abusive!

despacito · 12/06/2017 13:35

Yes! Get them away from him

ImperialBlether · 12/06/2017 13:35

Is this something that happened to you?

If it's something that's ongoing now, that girl needs to live separately from her father.

dappledlightinflight · 12/06/2017 13:36

All odd and concerning.

rightknockered · 12/06/2017 13:36

That's very disturbing

Honeyandfizz · 12/06/2017 13:37

Completely inappropriate and unacceptable. He has no parental boundaries which is extremely concerning, the dc need to be away from him.

Original poster
Domino123 · 12/06/2017 13:38

Thank you.

Can I ask - is there a particular scenario of the three that you find more disturbing? Or are they all equally on the same level?

OP posts:
Fruitcocktail6 · 12/06/2017 13:42

They're all disgusting, but scenarios 1 and 3 in particular

TrueSay · 12/06/2017 13:42

This person is dangerous to these girls. Get them away.

Mulberry72 · 12/06/2017 13:44

All three scenarios are deeply and equally disturbing. He appears to have no parental boundaries at all.

The poor girls should be nowhere near this man.

Original poster
Domino123 · 12/06/2017 13:45

Ok, thank you very much for your comments.

No one is in any immediate danger as these were things that happened to me (at different ages).

I am in therapy for various reasons, including sexual abuse as a child (but not from my father).

Just working my way round to this behaviour now..I'll add it to the list...

OP posts:
LorLorr2 · 12/06/2017 13:45

Would say the first and last are the worst because I do know some dads who would say something like the middle one as banter. This man sounds inappropriate and I would not leave him alone with children

Reow · 12/06/2017 13:45

Fucking hell.

LorLorr2 · 12/06/2017 13:46

Sorry to hear that Domino :( x

Original poster
Domino123 · 12/06/2017 13:50

Thank you everyone.

Thanks Lorlorr. I'm ok, really. Just spent so many years minimising things I sometimes need other people's help to define what it all was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Domino123 · 12/06/2017 15:57

Forgot to add - standing around naked in front of your 10 yo daughter.

I know that my DH wouldn't do that in 100 years, but some families are more relaxed about nudity? (though my mother wasn't at all).

OP posts:
category12 · 12/06/2017 16:19

In context of other behaviour, the nudity might be a problem. I think most people would put on pants but I daresay some families are more comfortable with being nude in front of each other. Put together with the previous examples though...

category12 · 12/06/2017 16:20

I mean, I occasionally walk naked to the bathroom, but at speed and would cover up if I was standing around.

Original poster
Domino123 · 12/06/2017 16:35

Thanks category. We were on holiday and I distinctly remember him just standing in front of me like that, and my mother telling him to put some clothes on and him just laughing and not being remotely bothered.

I can remember being embarrassed.

Same holiday he took a picture of me wearing a dress of my mother's sitting under a fire extinguisher and said I was too hot to handle.

God I feel sick now.

OP posts:
tccat · 12/06/2017 16:36

Oh Domino I understand what you're feeling, those kinds of things happened to me, because it's not overt abuse you doubt yourself and try to kid yourself into thinking you're overreacting
It's hard to accept but it was abuse , it took me until my father died when I was thirty to be able to tell anyone and accept it
Big hugs, it's awfull xx

Original poster
Domino123 · 12/06/2017 16:45

Thanks tccat.

Just trying to make sense of it all. I guess I can kind of see where my brother got the idea I was fair game now..

OP posts:
tccat · 12/06/2017 17:09

It's not so easy though is it, to make sense of it, my dad died seventeen years ago and I still struggle with it, it's good that you're getting therapy and I hope it works for
There's no easy answer or fix, try and not let it colour the rest of your life

thethoughtfox · 12/06/2017 18:35

You don't need to answer but was the person who abused you related to your father? Perhaps they were both witness to / experienced abuse and the cycle has continued.

QuiteLikely5 · 12/06/2017 18:43

He sounds like an absolute pervert. I'm sorry. Flowers