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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Absolutley furious!!!!!!

49 replies

louisejanep · 11/06/2017 22:56

Hi mumsnetters, I am absolutely furious and need some advice! Myself and partner been together 9 years and have beautiful baby girl who will be 2 next month. I have been under quite a bit of stress lately im doing a masters degree and is very intense, then 2 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant. I really cant go through with this pregnancy due to not the right timing with studies, already having a DD and financial pressures and dont feel im in the most secure relationship. Anyway I booked in for an abortion on thursday (after lots of tears upset and guilt thought it was the best thing to do) I was an absolute wreck on thursday it was only a consultation but still its not the nicest thing to go through. My partner knew i wasent feeling good as I was nearly sick with guilt/fear on the day etc. Went there on thursday and they have scheduled in for tues. As I have a major deadline I decided to take laptop upstairs tonight and get it done ready for tomorrow. my partner is out all day (work) and night (gym) till really late and I have been having a few doubts as to why he wants to constantly be away from home. So i created a fake profile on facebook to spy on him tonight and found that he had been liking loads of girls photos , which i kind of thought ok im not overly thrilled with that but not too annoyed. I carried on scrolling and found he had commented on a fairly attractive womans photo saying she looked better without a filter. I looked at the date it was sent and it was the day i went in for the abortion which i was crying and feeling so upset about on the day. Yet hes gone and told another girl she looks nice. Hes just come in now and I have hit the roof, at first i showed him the photo and said do you know her and he said no. then i said whats this commemt. and he said he was being 'kind' wtf!!!! Im livid i called him a scumbag and told him im leaving in the morning. I am so emotional and upset and wanted some advice.

OP posts:

fussygalore118 · 11/06/2017 23:02

Honestly it sounds like a overreaction to me....but hubby to the lengths of setting up fake FB accounts to see what your OH is up to is not somthing that couples do in a happy trusting relationships.....

fussygalore118 · 11/06/2017 23:02

Going not hubby....bloody phone

JK1773 · 11/06/2017 23:03

I agree with fussy. What made you do this? I comment on all sorts of crap on Faceache. It means nothing

Original poster

louisejanep · 11/06/2017 23:04

when you have a gut feeling though in a relationship though you either ignore it or follow your gut.

OP posts:

seoulsurvivor · 11/06/2017 23:06

I wouldn't be happy with my husband commenting on other woman's photo.

I also wouldn't be happy with him creating a fb profile to stalk me.

You sound like you both have issues in the relationship that need sorting. It sounds like so much hard work.

JK1773 · 11/06/2017 23:07

If you have a gut feeling about your relationship there must be to it than one comment

Original poster

louisejanep · 11/06/2017 23:07

Because he never use to be so secret over his phone he wont put it down, hes constantly on it. He goes out at 8am and comes home then goes the gym till 9/10 every night whilst im trying to juggle DD, a job and a masters degree. I think its selfish and he doesnt pay me compliments or is so physically and emotionally distant from me, so i know it was OTT to create a fb profile but i want some answers to his behaviour. And to deny hes seen the girls profile when hes liked nearly all her photos, why wasent he honest when i gave him the chance?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 11/06/2017 23:08

Oh give the OP some slack here! Can't you see how emotional she'd be on the day of an abortion, and to have your partner commenting on a woman's looks on FB would be horrible!

scottishdiem · 11/06/2017 23:10

Will that is a fantastic over reaction. To be honest, if my DP had created a fake profile to snoop on me in that way and then said we were splitting up I would be relieved.

He may not have been at home enough but that is something that could have been worked through. Along with setting a decree that he should not be commenting on the looks of other women I suppose. But you have gone for the huge nuclear button before even speaking to the person you have a child with. I suspect you dont want that relationship with him, never mind what he thinks of you.

Original poster

louisejanep · 11/06/2017 23:11

thank you ImperialBlether! I have never 'spied' on my partner but with all the stress and emotions going on at the moment i suppose i had a crazy moment and thought somethings not right i am going to look through his facebook

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 11/06/2017 23:15

I think not having this child is the right thing in your situation.
You are doing well to try and concentrate on you Masters, because a valuable education will be necessary as a single parent.

Your gut was screaming and I think there was a good reason for that.

If he didn't know her, why be nice to a stranger on FB... sounds like he was looking to strike up a conversation. I would have thought he'd have better things to do when his partner was going through this.

I'm not sure of your age, but do you think he might be bored with the relationship and feel tied down.? Did you get together when you were young?

Original poster

louisejanep · 11/06/2017 23:16

scottishdiem, the reason i have not been on social media for about 6 years is because he told me to come off social media becuase he didnt want men commenting on my photos which is ridculous because i dont have hardly any male friends on there. Let alone me comment on pictures, hypocrisy?

OP posts:

JaneJeffer · 11/06/2017 23:18

What he did is very insensitive at such an emotional time and he needs to be told. Why is everyone attacking the OP? She obviously had suspicions already to go to these lengths.

scottishdiem · 11/06/2017 23:18

louisejanep well thanks for the drip feed. As he is a controlling wanker like that I do wonder why you are still having sex with him.

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/06/2017 23:19

Right - first and foremost I think you are under an unusual amount of stress. You have said you are booked in for a termination. Is that what you want? I'm not asking because I'm an anti-choice tosser. Is your partner being supportive?

Secondly - what made you set up the profile? Is it you feel unsupported at a time when you need support most or because he has form?

SandyY2K · 11/06/2017 23:22

why wasnt he honest when i gave him the chance?

Because he did something that he shouldn't have and was trying to hide it from you.

Because he knows it was wrong.

I'm not surprised that you don't feel secure in the relationship, as he's giving you reasons to feel insecure.

I think it's right to set boundaries and show what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship. If he wants the relationship, then his behaviour and actions will demonstrate that.

You need to have him step up with your DD, especially as you're studying right now.

When he's not working, then you need to be assertive and leave DD with him. Get out, take your laptop to the library and do some work.

Original poster

louisejanep · 11/06/2017 23:22

Thanks for the kind comment Sandy. Yes we got together when i was 18 and he was 23. Hes 32 though now and all of a sudden wants to be with his friend every night hes not that young tbh. I dont mind him going out but when its every night but a saturday night its a little tedicious. I find things a struggle with being on my own, then every night i sit in and work on my degree as i know it will better my daughters future and my own future and when Im not doing uni work im at work a few evenings a week. It may have been an over reaction, but when you feel so lonely and distant in a relationship then you see something like it, it infuriates you.

OP posts:

Catherinebee85 · 11/06/2017 23:23

He's allowed social media but you're not?

I think your reaction was a little OTT however you had pregnancy hormones, the stress of your life anyway, assignments, work, Dd etc AND the abortion consultation going on!

Is he showing he appreciates how hurt you are? Have you been able to express how you feel calmly? How has he behaved since? This now will all be very telling xx

Original poster

louisejanep · 11/06/2017 23:24

scottishdiem your love life must be perfect? The reason Im still having 'sex' with him is because we live together, have done for 9 years and have a beautiful daughter. is that good enough for you?

OP posts:

seoulsurvivor · 11/06/2017 23:26

OP people are trying to help you. Get mad at your controlling partner who comments on other women's fb, not the people who are trying to help.

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/06/2017 23:27

You sound like a brilliant Mum and woman in your own right.

But what are you getting from this relationship? Honestly would you feel more like you had to shoulder all the responsibilities if you were actually a single mum? Being a single mum isn't the worst thing ever and quite frankly, your partner seems to be rather punching above his weight going on your posts.

SandyY2K · 11/06/2017 23:30

Secondly - what made you set up the profile?

This has been answered. She had a gut feeling.

I wouldn't be happy in this relationship either.

Original poster

louisejanep · 11/06/2017 23:30

thank you all for your responses. I have always felt guilty because I constantly study all night, therefore I didnt mind him starting the gym but now its every night, its getting a bit much especially with hormones. It would just be nice to know hes around so I could talk to someone. No we both have social media but he blocked me ages ago as he said he didnt want to see anything that would 'hurt' him which is ridciulous because all my facebook posts are of my daughter at different toddler groups we go to. Im just trying my very best to get an assignment submitted tonight so sitting in daughters room in dark working away, well mainly talking on here. He has come in and asked me if i have stopped being silly yet and that he hasent done anything wrong and he loves me so much. Sorry but im not buying it, told him i dont want to hear anything he has ever got to see. I may be over reacting but i feel hurt and angry

OP posts:

Catherinebee85 · 11/06/2017 23:34

Stopped being silly?

He hasn't got a clue has has he?

Original poster

louisejanep · 11/06/2017 23:35

Alisvolatpropiis thank you very much for the lovely comment :) tbh I dont know what Im getting out of this relationship anymore. I tried to split up with him in December and he begged me back and I felt so guilty and felt like I shouldnt be splitting a family up and it would impact our daughter. His mum and dad split up and hes been psychologically damaged over things, and i worry i would be doing the same.

OP posts:

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