Absolutley furious!!!!!!

[louisejanep]

Hi mumsnetters, I am absolutely furious and need some advice! Myself and partner been together 9 years and have beautiful baby girl who will be 2 next month. I have been under quite a bit of stress lately im doing a masters degree and is very intense, then 2 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant. I really cant go through with this pregnancy due to not the right timing with studies, already having a DD and financial pressures and dont feel im in the most secure relationship. Anyway I booked in for an abortion on thursday (after lots of tears upset and guilt thought it was the best thing to do) I was an absolute wreck on thursday it was only a consultation but still its not the nicest thing to go through. My partner knew i wasent feeling good as I was nearly sick with guilt/fear on the day etc. Went there on thursday and they have scheduled in for tues. As I have a major deadline I decided to take laptop upstairs tonight and get it done ready for tomorrow. my partner is out all day (work) and night (gym) till really late and I have been having a few doubts as to why he wants to constantly be away from home. So i created a fake profile on facebook to spy on him tonight and found that he had been liking loads of girls photos , which i kind of thought ok im not overly thrilled with that but not too annoyed. I carried on scrolling and found he had commented on a fairly attractive womans photo saying she looked better without a filter. I looked at the date it was sent and it was the day i went in for the abortion which i was crying and feeling so upset about on the day. Yet hes gone and told another girl she looks nice. Hes just come in now and I have hit the roof, at first i showed him the photo and said do you know her and he said no. then i said whats this commemt. and he said he was being 'kind' wtf!!!! Im livid i called him a scumbag and told him im leaving in the morning. I am so emotional and upset and wanted some advice.

One thing I wouldn't do is come off SM, because of a jealous partner.

He's damn well hypocritical to have done that. That was a signal of his controlling nature.

In fact, I'd be right back on all channels of SM, to shoe him I won't be dictated to. Except you have bigger fish to fry with your studies.

Do not feel you did wrong by checking up on him.

Ignore unhelpful comments on here. They'll only piss you off. I don't understand why you're being asked why you still have sex with him whilst in a relationship. Nonsense.

Do what you have to do and stand firm. Now is the perfect time to look at whether you want to continue in a relationship with the with a man who prefers to go out every night.... Leaving you with your DD.

What part does he play in her life on a day to day basis?

louise

It sounds like you're not happy. Don't buy in to "breaking up a family" rubbish. I'm in my late 20's and you will find so many threads where I mention my wonderful step dad or "all my parents". Sadly my relationship with my daughter (2 yesterday) broke down last year however, some 9 months on, she is as sunny natured and happy as she has ever been because we have determinedly forged a pleasant relationship.

It's really a shame when relationships which involve children fail but utterly miserable parents who stay together seem more damaging, if the adults I know are anything to go by.

You sound like a strong woman, I'm sure you will do right for yourself and your daughter.

relationship with my daughter's father broke down.

I must learn to proof read

thank you Sandy its nice to have an understanding and emphatic fellow mumsnetter to talk to.

This is the thing I dont understand he has been very controlling in the past with who i speak to and who i socialise with. Before I met him I use to be a completley different person as to who I am now, partly the reason im so fed up. Im 27 now and feel like Ive wasted the whole of my 20s sitting in with him every weekend because he was worried i was going to mix with the opposite sex.

His mum had lots of affairs and this broke up the family and he has always been petrified of history repeating itself, so i have gone out of my way to make sure he doesnt feel insecure and excused his behaviour a ridiculous amount of times.

So for him to be so against me even talking to a member of the opposite for him to comment on photos of girls just makes me think theres a reason hes so insecure because hes obviously upto something. He is an amazing dad to our little girl and takes a weds off to look after her while i go to uni and then if i get called into work of an evening he will get home from gym earlier so i can go work

yes he blocked me because he doesnt want to see what i do on fb (which is post photos of my daughter the majority of the time) atleast now i know the real reason. Hes said tonight he will get rid of FB but im not interested in having a conversation with him.

Alisvolatpropiis sorry to hear your relationship broke down, although I think your probably a lot more happier now than you ever were. I just worry about the initial shock, last time we had a rough patch i went back to my mums, but i would have to get my own place and worry about bills etc with being a student and a mum

thank you Sandy its nice to have an understanding and emphatic fellow mumsnetter to talk to.

Your welcome.

You know the sad part is that his childhood experiences, are impacting on his adult relationship with you.

I actually wish mums and dads who have affairs read this and realise, that them having affairs, does affect their children. They get so wrapped up in the OM/OW, that the welfare of their children and doesn't concern them.

They're quick to say, kids are resilient and that they bounce back. Indeed they can do... But these things become part of who they are and it stays with them for years to come.

That's not excusing his behaviour, but it's me understanding that there is a reason for some of how he behaves.

I'd use that to my advantage in stating what you want out of the relationship and what you want from him as a partner. If he wants something different, then you will need to compromise or part company.

Relationships can be complicated.

I've got a fair amount of relationship experience and if you need to reach out to me via PM feel free, as I don't always get the chance to catch up with threads.

louise there is an initial shock,I won't pretend otherwise but then once that has settled down (I'd recommend going back to your Mum initially) you can look in to tax credits and so on.

It's been 9 months now since I actively left my husband and I can honestly say I am so much happier. Sharing our daughter childcare wise, I do find it hard sometimes, but her dad wants to care for her too, so I have no right to prevent it.

It sounds like everything is all about his feelings and absolutely none about yours. Precious snowflake, might get his feelings hurt.
But he is able to set his own boundaries as we all are. That doesn't mean you have to agree to them.
It appears that he has a wandering eye, at a minimum. You are justified in having a boundary to not tolerate that. Not silly at all.

My love life doesnt involved someone who is a controlling wanker that tells me to not post on social media.

Sandyy2k ive messaged you x

I would imagine that it's a huge double standard. I'm assuming from your posts that if he were facing a heartbreaking day and incredibly stressful times, you wouldn't be slathering over strange men on the internet. It's hard to see someone you love complimenting someone else when you're at your most vulnerable. I totally get it OP. You needed to feel like a team. I hope you're okay at an incredibly difficult time.

I would imagine there is a fair bit of projection going on in your relationship op. Think of all the things he's accused you of and it's entirely possible that it's because he's doing them himself! He is coming across as quite controlling and manipulative from what you have said. Is that the case? The blocking you on sm is frankly rubbish. He doesn't want you seeing what he's doing or how often he's on their by the sound of it.

yes i think it would have bothered me, but due to the current situation and he has been telling me hes worried about me. Then can do that on the same day just really upsets me. Ive always trusted him and thought he was just insecure, but this has put huge doubt in my mind.

You do realise you don't 'need an excuse' to break up with him?

He goes out at 8am and comes home then goes the gym till 9/10 every night whilst im trying to juggle DD, a job and a masters degree

Have you discussed his lack of parenting/input with him?
Just because he looks after his own dd one day a week doesn't make him a good dad.
Him coming back from gym early so you can go to work is not something 'special' .....looking after his own child is NOT 'doing you a favour'.
A GOOD dad would be spending time with his dd or helping out around the house etc instead of buggering off to the gym all evening every day.

The reason Im still having 'sex' with him is because we live together, have done for 9 years and have a beautiful daughter. is that good enough for you?

Errrr.....no.
That is NO reason to continue having sex/unprotected sex with someone!
Especially when that someone is selfish and doesn't make you feel wanted or loved.

You also say he is so physically and emotionally distant from me.....yet you continue to have sex

You have every right to feel hurt and angry at him - but you can't blame 'pregnancy hormones' for your situation. That's just a cop out.

I suggest you own your mistakes and move back to your mums until you sort out your housing situation.

Staying/continuing having sex with him just so you don't have to stand on your own two feet/avoid things is ridiculous.

Find your self respect and stop shagging a guy who blatantly treats you like shit and who you suspect is cheating on you.

I think people probably do innocently comment on photos of the opposite sex (bad timing aside), but the fact that he's blocked you on Facebook is fairly suspect, to be honest. Him 'not wanting to see you doing anything upsetting' is a really bizarre excuse and the whole thing would make really uncomfortable and curious about what he was actually up to. If the relationship were to continue I'd probably want a period of total transparency.

It doesn't sound like you should be in this relationship, neither of you are behaving very well.

I'm generally fairly open minded and tend to think people get unduly worked up about what their partners do on social media. However, there is a big difference between making occassional comments on friends photos to tell them they look nice, gorgeous etc and (by the soundscof things) commenting on lots of unknown or barely knowns to basically tell them you find them attractive. IMO he is fishing and if he gets a bite i bet he'll be right in there.

OP, you sound like an amazingly strong and capable woman. Your only weakness has been your blindness to how completely non-value adding this man is to your life. He's not there for you and he's not there for his child. He's controlling and you can't rely on him or trust him. You have to make your own decisions but think about the point of having a partner. The two of you should be greater than the sum of your parts. He's just bringing you down.

BTW OP, did he go with you for your consultation and will he be with you tomorrow when you have the termination?

Yes but waited outside with our DD. Yes he will pribably be there

I don't think you are over reacting, he left you to deal with a pregnancy and abortion on your own and seems to spend all his spare time seeking out other women on FB and complimenting them, sorry but I think he's fishing and is an insensitive selfish git. Your feels are all valid OP.

Why would it cross his mind that you were flirting with the opposite sex on FB? It's because that's exactly what he has been doing.
He's controlling and I, too, think he's been fishing for hook ups. He is spending a lot of time out of home and I would not be surprised if he isn't always where he says he is.
Your gut instinct told you to look for clues to the truth on FB. You trusted it and you acted on it, be proud of yourself.
Regarding pp, nothing gives me the rage more than patronising talk of a woman 'obviously' behaving unhinged 'because of pregnancy hormones'.
I'm sorry you have a pregnancy dilemma right now to deal with.

Yes but waited outside with our DD. Yes he will pribably be there

Well I hope he appreciates how hard a time this is for you and gives you all the support you need. For what little is worth, I really feel for you and you're in my thoughts. Best wishes for tomorrow.