Arrogant boyfriend & says comments to my 5 year old which I don't like-am I sensitive?

[emmad1980]

Hi
I would really appreciate some advice please. I've been in a relationship with a guy for a year. He's a great guy in so many ways but there are several things irritating me. I live on my own with my 4 yr old son and he lives alone in his own house

• He goes on a lot about how hard he works round his house and how much he has to do etc.. and has said in front of my son on a few separate occasions something which I dont like- round his he was in kitchen making us both a cup of tea and my son was "helping" - pouring in milk and my partner said "We're doing team work - working - whats mummy doing?" and again when he was putting up a shelf for me the day I moved home - "we're working hard aren't we?" And what's mummy doing?" right at the one second I was sat down - course my son said what he saw "nothing" - my partner said oh yeh "mummys doing nothing".

He once commented when after I worked full time all week with a migraine fri night - got to his sat morn and was very sunny - I got out my towel and lay on the grass to soak up some sun! He has a lovely garden and was watering his plants etc again he said that comment - and hes said before that when I'm at his (maybe one night a week I stay over and he stays at mine one night a week - he's said I should offer to help him in the garden watering pants etc or in general with anything when I'm at his if I see he's doing something - like watering - I said I'll of course cook, wash up, tidy up after myself but I'm not going to go round and help him with his chores on the only two days off I get a week. Of course if he needed help with something I'd do it.

In general I worry that he goes on about how hard he has to work in his house to keep it so nice (he has a large 4 bed and he is VERY clean and tidy. He's fine with my sons toys scattered round but he likes to be very clean). I worry if we live together and down line have kids he'd be type of man to come home - me on mat leave or working part time and him make comments like "whatve you done all day" and comment that I dont do enough round the house.

He's also made jokes before which I've told him I dont like "you greedy b*h" when I ate the last sweet and when I finished of a whole bowl fish and chips! Its clearly a joke but Ive said I dont like it. Altho the first time he said it over fish and chips I was stunned and he said "Im just joking - was trying to embarass you!" -

He's obsessed with his shower - expects me to wipe it bone dry after each shower to avoid water marks

We broke up 2 weeks ago but back together and I raised a few points - I said with the comments I cant accept them and he said its just a joke and he cant promise not to make them - its who he is and he wants to be able to joke in a social setting etc - I think he means jokes like "shes so lucky to have me, I work so hard, she has everything, she gets to work part time and doesn't do anything all day" all joking but I cant stand it

Hes said before "I'm such a catch and my ex could have had it all with me - house car holidays family" Hes a little arrogand and he has said before "I know I'm a little arrogant but I like it" - ive said for me arrogance is the worst trait in a person!

Lastly he hasn't given me a key to his house! He works from home a lot but on 1 occasion he had to leave for work at 7am - I was at his and I leave at 8am - he made me leave with him saying "oh we need to get up and leave by 7" I said well if it was my house I'd give you a key and u leave when u want! He has said I dont really need a key and that people lose keys and that he had a bad experience with an ex who after split he worried she'd let her self in etc... I find it insulting/patronising to be honest that after a year he wont let me have a key and has made me leave at same time as him. He has said I'm pressuring him into giving him a key and he said he doesn't respond well to pressure and he wants to do it in his own time etc ...

Lastly he earns a good salary but is in no way generous! I earn decent money and work full time so I dont want or need his money but he's stingey sometimes! His brother gave us vouchers for a posh meal out for xmas - we ordered a bit more and got charged £20 - he made me pay half - if my family gave us a present and I took him I would pay the extra not split it! Hes given me a memory stick to save our hol pics b4 and charged me the £6 for it!! Supermarket shopping once at the till he was getting a food shop in and I said I'd get a meal and wine and at check out for us to eat together at his and he said "is there anything else you want to get" - he'd got a few other bits like bacon that I would have had a bit of and bread.

He is ALWAYS late to meet me and doesn't always phone. He arrived 45 mins late to meet parents for 1st time - didn't even phone to say late!!! Then when he left he joked about something said bye and "remember, I'm not always right just MOST Of the time" - cringe!

then our first time out with HIS friends in a restaurant - 3 couples - bill came - it wasn't too much and ALL the other couples paid JOINTLY! I got my purse out - not wanting to assume and he worked it out and I paid him my share - in my view that was embarassing - I should have paid him back later when alone or he should have treated me! And next time I'd have paid for him! His friends have joked to me that hes a tight ar*e - so I'm not imagining it! He says his hobby is to save money, coupons etc , count the pennies - and that's how hes ended up with a 4 bed place and will retire by age 50 cos pumps all money into mortgage - never treats me really and if he does he goes on about how lucky I am!!!

Lastly! he's said on several occasions "I dont want to be taken for granted" - I DO NOT do that - hes said it several times. He says he does "so much for me" - he doesn't! My friends say he does nothing over and beyond what a partner should and whenever he does something - once fixed a tap he makes such a deal of it - ur so lucky to have me I'm so good to you etc.... he made me pay him back the 2 quid for the washer tho!!! My idea of a relationship is to put your all in and go out of your way and be kind and generous - not penny pinch and add up exact cost of everything - Im a generous person and I dont keep track. - after a first hol he sent me a spread sheet of all our costs - he'd kept tabs on everything down to the fact I spent £2 on water which we shared and for the can he spent £10 and I spent £5. He had paid for £80 for something on his cred card when we ran out of money and I said let me know how much you've put on your card so I can give you back half - he should have just said oh its x and I'd have paid him! Not send me a spreadsheet!

Hes a decent guy - very family orientated - wants what I want - settle down have kids etc would never cheat, trust worthy etc but he doesn't make me feel like how I think I should feel :-/

could you put up with his "jokes" am I being sensitive?  Thank you if you reached the end! I'd really be grateful for advice and could you put up with this?? he wont change! Am I being to sensitive??   I've brought it all up with him and he wont change

Yes finallyhere I think that hits the nail on the head - I was shocked when he said that to me! He wasnt saying it like its a fault of his he recogninses and will work on - he's saying he LIKES being arrogant (he meant only a little - maybe he meant confident) but he is a bit arrogant and I HATE that in a man - urgh!!!

but he is a bit arrogant and I HATE that in a man - urgh!!!

Then why are you with him???

Do not have a child with this man, jeez if he's like this now he'd be positively financially abusive if you went on mat leave.

He really thinks he's Gods gift doesn't he?

Because he only said that arrogant comment just the other day - so Its really now got me thinking shall I end it but wanted to think it through first.. way up all his good and bad points first before I end it - he had said once before he knows hes a little arrogant but this was the first time he said, last week, that he likes being a little arrogant - Who says that anyway? who says oh yeh I am a bit arrogant and I like it!!

Who says that anyway? who says oh yeh I am a bit arrogant and I like it!!

Someone who is arrogant and likes it, that's who!

yes he does think hes gods gift! He thinks hes a catch and has told me numerous times Im lucky to have him and that I mustnt take him for granted and how he "cant do any more for me" - he doesnt do much! nothing out ordinary! Helped me on the day I moved house - built my bed etvc and I was VERY grateful - I took us out for dinner and said thank you repeatidly

Oh good God OP, just bin this wanker off. He's overtly told you he possesses a trait that you rightly hate, and that he loves it. He will continue thinking he's a catch as long as credulous women act like he is by staying in relationships with him even after he's outright told them he's a turd. You can't control what other women do but you don't have to be party to this yourself and you don't have to waste your time on such a twat. Think of your existing child, is this the kind of person you want in a fatherly role?

Oh and tap washers aren't £2, wouldn't be surprised he charged you petrol and wear and tear to drive to the shops to buy one. Tight with money tight with love.

LTB you don't be need him for anything, he sounds like a tosser. You and your dc can do much better than him and his crap comments. He won't change, he will get worst and it is awful to run you down in front of your child.

OP you deserve so much more than this - has he ever told you how lucky he is to be with you?

It sounds as though you really do not like him very much....so end it! Why are you even asking us?

I remember when I met a woman who was single until she was 35 and then had a failed engagement but thought she was God's gift to men because she had a job and a house and....no, actually, I don't remember that woman at all, because she DOESN'T FRIGGING EXIST.

He sounds like he does a lot at your house and childcare/looking after your son.
You say that you have told him that you won't do anything at his as you only get 2 days off..
I suspect that is where the lazy comments are coming from.

Sounds like a communication issue, he's saying, in a sometimes unkind, unacceptable way that you are 'lazy'. Obviously the mean comments have to stop that should be non negotiable.
It sounds like you have different life choices and priorities - neither of which are wrong in themselves but not compatible unless you recognise them and work on them, he might be too arrogant to try or he might love you enough to make it work. You would choose in your spare time to catch some sun - you work hard, why not. He would choose to keep the house immaculate so sees you as 'lazy' when you aren't working rather than accepting that at the weekend you are entitled to sit in and enjoy your garden.
Not the same ones, but my DH and I have really different life choices. e.g. He would step over the post, I would pick it up, then he never opens it.
I think most people have these sort of irritations but the main thing is to have the dialogue to work through it. He sounds like he might not be prepared to do that.

Oh just bin him off ffs! He makes me want to vomit just reading about him.

I can't believe you'd stay with someone like this who is going to be around your child while he grows up, so therefore his attitude could possible influence your DS, yet you sound like you'll stay with him because it's better than being single. You sound selfish to me OP. Your child should come first and exposing him to someone as controlling and twattish as this is irresponsible

I was thinking he sounded like a petulant schoolboy who was over protective of his pocket money and his toys/house.

The fact he only started dating at 35 makes him like a youngish teen who needs a few years of going out with girls to teach him how to behave.

Could you imagine how he would be if you had a child together. He would be weighing up every penny spent on the baby and will probably expect it all back wen they are older

Bin him love, then work on your self esteem, be alone for a while. Then you might be savvy enough to start dating again without falling for mr diamond dick again.

OP, the fact that you've written all these points must indicate to you loud and clear that you're having serious doubts already. These traits you describe will become sources of resentment. He should not be calling you a 'bitch', never mind all the narrow minded penny pinching stuff. You are already feeling devalued by him so you need to need your gut instinct. Forget his 4 frigging bed house - that won't be enough to keep you happy. Good luck x

So many red flags, don't do it.

Decent guy? I don't think so ...

user1495025590
Are you her sad boyfriend

A turd rolled in glitter is still a turd.

Being chronically late to meet you is an act of contempt.

Training your son to hold you in contempt is an act of contempt. Imho, his eagerness to participate with your son is probably more based on his hidden agenda to 1) have a confederate in putting you down and 2) train someone impressionable to adore him with complete adulation- as an example for you to follow, no doubt. With his personality, I would find it highly unlikely that he is playing with a child simply out of the goodness of his heart.

Assigning behaviors of past girlfriends onto you is emotionally immature.

You think he would never cheat? Did he declare this himself? Watch out. Normal rules do not apply to him. In his mind it wouldn't be cheating. Non cheaters would not talk about it; they just wouldn't do it, no need for discussion. Bringing up a subject and declaring how awful this or that is and he'd never in a million years do it would be a red flag to me as it is building a false facade. Protest too much. Perhaps that is why you don't get a key?

OP he's horrible.

OP.....learn to enjoy being single.

You don't need a boyfriend.
If you want a boyfriend then try joining some interest groups etc to network/socialise and meet people that way.

Most people i know who use online dating use it as a means of getting shag or playing around - that goes for the women as well as men.

You don't have to put up with a dick just because decent men are hard to find.

OP, have you considered getting some counselling? It just comes across like you're pretty desperate to have another child and don't really understand what normal relationships are like (based on the fact you've carried on with this guy and have even doubted yourself).
Perhaps professional help would help you understand where your feelings aware coming from and manage them. I feel like you're sat risk of clinging onto any random abusive psycho because your biological clock is ticking. However, that could end in a lot of heartache and suffering for you and your son :(