Brutal opinions - am I the cause of the awful relationship with my parents?

[lostandfound12]

I need some brutally honest responses here. as with all mumsnet thread, it is hard to give the entire background but im going to try to be fair to each 'side.'

im 29 and i have a very difficult relationship with my parents. growing up, my little brother was the superstar - totally amazing at rugby and went on to play professionally for a few years (doesnt anymore). i get on with my brother and he says he didnt like the limelight much, looking back.

things happened growing up where i had HUGE resentment for the amount of time my parents gave to my brother. it was literally every weekend dedicated to taking him to matches and talking about his success.

dont get me wrong, i was showered with opportunities - and was told so very often when i complained. but i was never into sport, although i did well academically.

the older i have got, the more hurt i feel about it all. it's stupid though, isn't it? i KNOW now that they just made a misjudgement, yet i struggle with it. they left me for so many weekends and evenings (or at least it felt that way) as a teenager. i felt like a failure very often. if my brother way playing, we all had to go - neither parent would do something with me separately.

fast forward to today and my brother does something completely different to sport. ironically, i am objectively the more successful one out of the two of us (not that i care one jot these days about comparisons being drawn - i know that being happy is what matters).

but i can't seem to be around them all without these feelings creeping back. for instance, a few months ago they all went on holiday without me as they "didnt think i would want to come." another occasion i was due to go with them to a uk holiday, and the day before they text to say there was no room in the car so if i wanted to come i would have to drive myself (this being an 800 mile round trip that i could nowhere near have afforded alone and they were well aware of) . they're not big deals but they hurt.

growing up i was called "little hitler," i was asked constantly why i was so jealous of my brother in a really mocking tone, i was told i was weird for not reading magazines and always wanting attention. i was told that i was a hugely difficult child to bring up, and nothing like my brother, so it cant have been them that made a mistake, it was just me who was a shit daughter. i was dancing once in the living room to MTV and my mum told me to stop showing off. as a child i was extremely shy and i was certainly not dancing to show off.

the other side is that they are always there for me if i do really really need them. i think my dad does feel sorry for how things happened, but my mum doesnt really engage with the topic when i try to tsalk about it. she hates any form of self pity, which i understand, but equally i feel it's something i needed to talk about to resolve the relationshp with them. it will never happen though. they are good people, they do care and i know they love me. they have such a better relationshipw ith my brother, though, they seem to really genuinely respect him. there's so much angst between me and my parents that we just dont have that relationship. being critical of myself, i am an intense person, i know that, but i dont feel this sense of suspicion and hurt with anyone else in my life except them.

i know that practically, i either cut them off (i couldnt, i love them), or ignore it once and for all and try to surpress my anger and hurt and put it into perspective. my question really is, i am being unfair? is this usual childhood stuff that most people deal with?

i need a kick up the arse if i am that person, because my head feels such a mess these days whenever i am in contact with them.

No, you're not the cause of this, OP. Your parents are the parents and they should have treated you both fairly, if not equitably. Sometimes one child needs something more than another but, if there are two parents then there's no bloody excuse to leave one child out of things.

Going on holiday and saying "they didn't think I'd like it" is a cop out. Accept that this is the way they are, tell them if you like - and treat them accordingly if that's what you want. They are not fair but that doesn't mean that they don't love you, just that this 'love' isn't a fair share.

Boys have always been Kings in my family; my paternal grandparents had to work hard to try to be fair with just one girl - and three boys to fawn over. My mum funnily enough, was angry about that yet she fawns over my brothers like anything. As I don't like 'fawning', I don't mind and I'm very fond of my brothers - but I'm more distant with my mum and I won't be her 'go to' child now. When I was younger I was more likely to just to please her and win her attention whereas now, I just don't need it.

Think about what you want and work out a strategy for getting that. Whether it's a showdown, low contact with them, whatever. Or just come to a position where you can be at peace with the situation without addressing it.

Is there anybody in your extended family that you could talk to about this?

Sympathies though and I'm not going to kick your arse.

I certainly don't think you are being unfair. You feel the way you feel, and for good reason.

It sounds like they were really crap parents to you. Telling you that you were difficult. Calling you "little Hitler" (horrific). Consistently giving your sibling more time, effort and attention, then ridiculing you for your resulting insecurities. Your mum telling you to stop showing off when you were dancing, in context, could be considered emotionally abusive. Your brother was put in the limelight, and you were shamed simply for being visible.

You feel awful around them. You say that they're there when you really need them. But your mum won't engage in a discussion about your feelings about this - that isn't 'being there' for you. It doesn't sound like they are able or willing to support you emotionally. I'd keep your distance and look for secure attachments elsewhere.

They were dreadful and unfair and are now unrepentant. Little Hitler is a terrible thing to say to a child.

I know it's easy for people to say 'stop looking to them for approval' and nigh on impossible to do (been there, got the t-shirt). You don't need a kick up the arse, you need help, and I think the way to get that is through counselling/therapy. It changed my life so much.

Do you think it might not be to do with your brothers sporting success but more to do with the idea that they don't value 'girls'?

What's the background with your parents and their parents?

Are you the eldest or youngest?

Is there any chance that your brother might be a half brother?

Just wondering if there is more to this than them just being rubbish parents?

Have to read and run hit you've described my life story. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel how you do. Will be back later to share

Do you think they would consider Family Counselling? Other than that, look into getting a Life Coach for yourself to try to work this through in your own head.

At the end of the day, your parents make you feel crap about yourself. This is not what parents are supposed to do.

Read up on Golden child, Scapegoat child Lost. Some things might strike a chord.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/

For reference I've been there, but messier. My parents are both passed away - several years now, and I've come to terms with it all - but some sibling relationships are damaged. Once I got past the initial grief of losing my mother - I felt a weight lifted that had been there all my life. It was an awful kind of relief.

thanks for the replies.

to answer the questions, no definitely not about not supporting girls. i think the way my parents see it - and was often what they said - was that i was offered all sorts of activities but i wasnt interested.

i was offered lots of activities, just as my brother was. i had the same opportunities, i just wasnt a superstar at a young age in something.

theyre older now, so often seem naive in what they say, so much so that i feel sorry for them. i agree with the poster who said that my mum isn't being there when she wont talk about this. she is incredibly dismissive - it makes me feel worse than before i brought it up!

on the other side, though, i can be terrible around them - im irritable and always on the defensive. i definitely dont help matters. what upsets me is i dont feel that way around anyone else at all, it's just them. my mum doesnt really know me at all, either, and to be honest, im not sure she wants to. or if she does, it's on her timetable.

just read the scapegoast link - thanks for that. i dont think it fits, though, as my parents are VERY willing to celebrate my achievements. i qualified as a doctor last summer and they couldnt have been more proud -they sent a card and some lovely messages.

i think that is why it hurts so much, because i cant let go of the childhood experiences.

I'm not surprised you feel hurt, resentful and angry. Your parents have treated you horribly. It's very easy to blame yourself or to minimise your feelings by excusing them, but this is because you've been conditioned by your parents to think that it's normal. It isn't.

Do you have children? Can you imagine being that hurtful and frankly cruel to your child? Calling them "Little Hitler"? It's awful. Your Mum's hatred of "self pity" is her way of saying that you are not allowed negative feelings. That's emotionally abusive and I would hazard a guess that you have spent years "stuffing your feelings down"?

It might be an idea for you to see/speak to them less, detach gradually, as this lessens their ability to hurt you. 💐

Your brother was the Golden Child and you were left to get on with it. thats not your fault. I'm not surprised you are defensive around your parents, especially as your mother is dismissive about your feelings.
Think about it; if you had wanted to compete, would they have had time to support both of you? they arent ebing honest with you.

You cant change them, you can only change the way you feel about the way they treat you. Consider going for CBT.

You realise that they have made mistakes in your upbringing, but especially your mum, don't want to discuss it. You also say you want to maintain and improve your relationship with them.
You would probably benefit from some therapy to work through your childhood and the impact it has had on you. Go to the bacp website to find a qualified counsellor or therapist in your area.
You can't change other people's behaviour, but can change how you react to it...
Good luck, and congratulations on becoming a doctor.

Firstly congratulations on becoming a doctor.
My DPs definitely favoured my younger twin sisters, and still do.
There's sweet FA I can do about it but boy, it hurts.
Perhaps I should seek CBT too.

I think also that when one goes home it's easy to fall into the same relationship and feelings one had. I go back to stroppy younger sister when my sister is around. Whereas off home territory we manage to be adults together.

It sounds as though your mother is not prepared to face the damage. Can you become the adult to what is frankly a disappointing outcome, and remove yourself from the child response?

It doesn't mean burying it, it does mean not forcing it on her. She will put it off but that gives you time to tahini through what you want to say, what you would say in a number of scenarios, what you want as the outcome.

Once you've worked through that, the actual discussion may be easier.

Huge remorse scenes are rarely achievable and if they do get achieved often the air is not cleared: storms rumble in the background.

Ooh and congrats on the doctor...

You don't need a kick up the arse , they do. A parent should treat their children the same . Just because your brother excelled at rugby doesn't mean that your achievements during childhood (and I'm sure there were many , no matter how small) should have been overlooked.

I'd be pissed off that they celebrated me qualifying as a doctor when they'd treated me so unfairly in the past tbh.

even as a child they would be very proud of me for my achievements - it wasnt as if they ignored me. it was more than my brother's importance way above and beyond mine - or at least thats how it seemed. this was because of the amount of time that was spent on her. but as my parents frequently say, they'd have spent the same time on me if i had an interest like he did.

spent on him!*

They have failed you. Your emotional needs were, and are, inconvenient. IF either are narcissistic then they are celebrating your Doctor success as a reflection of themselves.
They did their best. They won't change. Therapy or self education can help you to accept this.
BUT please do put yourself first. You have my sympathy.
With regards your OP - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Was it less about achievements and more about him being a nicer person than you. In their eyes I mean

By saying it was your fault for not taking up any of the interests they offered you, they are making excuses. Having a child is not so they can make you proud by their achievements. The message your parents have given you is that achievement by their children = love and attention. They are supposed to love you unconditionally - regardless of what you might achieve.

It's incredibly hurtful when you realise that your parents value achievements because it reflects well on them. It took me a long time to realise that it's ok to think "I love my parents but I don't actually LIKE them as people".

Your mum won't discuss it because she knows she is wrong - if she talks about it she will have to admit that she failed you and still does. Easier for her to carry on as she is.

Maybe talk to your dad, without her being there, if you think he might be more open.

None of this was your fault.

Whoever' fault it was - and you were a child - I think you would benefit from some counselling now.

Hi lostandfound

Your parents completely and utterly failed you as a child. These are toxic people and your parents treated you abysmally. Calling you difficult and little Hitler indeed is shocking. Your mother seems to be the driving force behind all this and your dad has simply enabled her to behave so towards you because he is a weak bystander. Neither of them come out of this looking at all emotionally healthy. It is NOT your fault they are like this, you did not make them this way.
What if anything do you know about their own childhoods; that often gives clues. Pound to a penny it was dysfunctional as well.

An absolute NO to any family counselling; there is no point in at all going down this route. They will likely not go and even if they did they will deny everything and make it all out to be your fault again like toxic people do. You will not be able to improve your relationship with them, particularly your mother, because she is both cold and uninterested in you. They are not going to say sorry and you will never get their approval, its all conditional. Its not possible either to have a relationship with a narcissist.

Seeking a therapist for you alone would be helpful. You ideally need to find someone who has no bias about keeping families together despite mistreatment. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Remember too that such people are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your role that they assigned to you was one of scapegoat. I realise you do not think you are the scapegoat but you very much are in this family. Your achievement at becoming a doctor was very much celebrated because it looks good on your parents; they can bask in your glory.

Your brother was and remains far more favoured; he is the golden child in this scenario. That is a role also not without price but your brother is unaware of that. You may well love them but I think you are still seeking their approval really rather than love. These people only love their own selves. Do not ignore this, this needs addressing through you seeking therapy.

I note that you say they are naïve in what they say, such people like your parents really are stuck emotionally at around 6 years of age. What you describe here is very typical of a scapegoat's life within a narcissistic family structure.

Where are your boundaries with regards to these people; what do you want to do re them going forward?. Such people do not and never do apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. I would lower all contact with them further to a point of zero. You owe these people nothing.