Just discovered boyfriend has been using escorts

[esk1mo]

i dont know what to do please help. ive literally just discovered it and i dont know what to do

Break up with him

Dump him.

I don't think this is something from which you can recover, personally. (Having just broken up with my BF for much 'tamer' stuff.) The trust just won't be there anymore. However, this is of course your own decision and whether you think your relationship will recover from it.

Does he know that you know now? If not, try and get your stuff together before you tell him - finances, etc. Do you have a friend or family member you can call for support? Just try and protect yourself at all costs here if you're moving out (or he will be) and dealing with bank accounts.

What a disgusting thing to do though. You are worth 1000x more than this.

End it. He's cheating.

Also and I know this isn't a nice thing to hear, but I'd make an appointment at your local GUM clinic.

A decent man just does not do this. You deserve better.

There's only one thing you can do op, leave him. He doesn't value you.

You are the one hurting yourself if you continue with the relationship. He's shown you how he feels.

What's your situation? Do you live together? Kids? Financially dependent of him?
If none of the above apply then dump him and don't look back. If things are a bit more complicated than just being able to walk away immediately then gather your evidence and begin getting your finances in order so you can leave him as soon as possible. Really sorry he's done such a shitty thing to you

How did you find out? Did you discover messages? Or have you seen his internet history? Do you know he's 100% gone through with a booking, or could he have just been browsing them out of curiosity (not that that makes things much better and You should still leave him if thats the case in my opinion)

Dump him if you're not okay with it.

Every man I've ever heard of when it's discovered that he's been paying prostitutes for sex, always claims in the first instance that he was "just looking" out of curiosity. When confronted, it is always "just booked, couldn't go through with it" then it's "it was just the once". Minimise. Minimise. Admit to only what you can prove you know. And then lie. And lie some more.

Listen, you don't need enough compelling evidence to persuade a judge in court. If you're satisfied that you know what he's been doing, just get rid of him double-quick.

ok im calmer now.

we live together in a flat (in my name) which i rent. been together 4 and a half years. both mid 20s. no kids.

about a year and a half into our relationship i discovered that he had paid £30 for a skype session with one of those twitter porn girls. looking back i have no idea why i stayed with him. he explained he had a problem with porn which he had been using since a young age (12/13). i told him he needed to get help. fast forward 2 years and i discover a secret snapchat account on his phone which he has been messaging porn people from. snapchat wipes everything so i couldn't see what he was saying. again he swore nothing had happened in real life so i believed him after much consideration and looking at the 'evidence'. looking back it should have been a deal breaker but i felt like i loved him so much and he was my soul mate, that i should stay with him as he hadnt physically cheated.

recently he hasn't been sleeping, which i know coincides with other impulsive, sketchy behaviour. he didn't come to bed at all last night and left the house around 6am. when i woke up i went onto his facebook messages and discovered a 'secret conversation' with a woman.

the messages definitely confirmed something physical had occurred although i have no idea when. saying things such as she wants him to cum in her, she wants to do other explicit things, asking him if he got home ok, she was worried, and that he should have a nap. she was using local slang from where we live (as a joke, so im assuming she is from elsewhere) and mention of him paying her a couple hundred pounds. because its secret messages his messages disappeared leaving only hers and i didnt have time to screenshot them. but i have screenshots of hers.

i phoned him and said 'i know about your secret conversation so you need to come home and get your stuff and leave.' he said he'd call me back. he then sent me messages such as im so sorry, i never meant for any of this to happen, etc.

he comes home and smells of drink. he starts saying he has no idea what im talking about (um what about the messages he just sent me?) saying 'show me' and that he has no idea who she is. i said 'its funny you were messaging your friends around the same time, and weren't in bed. so did someone hack you at the exact same time you were on facebook just to message a girl speaking exactly like you speak?'

he just keeps denying that its anything to do with him. in one of the messages before they disappeared he said 'i had to FT you' (facetime). so i go into battery settings and he has spent 27 minutes on facetime in the last 24 hours. i open his facetime app and the only people he has facetimed in the last 24 hours is one of his friends , but it said 'cancelled call' meaning he didnt even speak on facetime? so he wiped the call to her.

i have googled the girl and she appears to be a transgender 'model'. not sure if its the same person, but looks very similar. i messaged her on FB to ask if she knew my boyfriend as he was denying he was the one who messaged her and she blocked me!? surely if it wasnt him she would say 'sorry no idea what you're talking about'

he has been in two other cities in addition to the one we live in, so he could have met her in any of these places. i have no idea if its here or there.

i have asked him to get his stuff and leave. i said take what you need for a few days then come and collect the rest in a few days. hes crying and saying over and over 'why are you doing this' and still denying it was him. he said i know you look at my phone, etc so why would i keep anything on it? EH because you thought it was a secret message encrypted to one device only.

looking back i wonder why i stayed but i believe men like him can compartmentalise this behaviour and separate it from real life. i do believe he loves me, and he has never ever raised his voice at me or acted anything other than lovely to me which is probably why i could excuse the past behaviour. he is a nice person otherwise, will stick up for people, lend people money, he treats women in his family with respect. but there is this other side to him that clearly he has been keeping very hidden. i think he is ashamed of it but cant stop doing it, maybe he is addicted.

im worried because he is the sort of person that will drink and threaten to kill himself, like take drugs or something. sleep on the street. i dont know, do something to make people feel sorry for him?

just wanted to add that we haven't had full sex in over a year for various reasons, partly because i felt repulsed by his previous behaviour on snapchat/skype. before that i was tested as part of a termination i had. havent had sex since then.

Save yourself all the heartache and follow this woman's lead:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2942703-Another-Boring-Prostitute-Husband-one

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted was spot on with all lying and minimising that comes with this. Don't get drawn in to it all. You haven't got kids together so luckily for you you can just cut him off completely.

You're actually in a really good position here, no kids, not tied up in a mortgage etc. Get him out and never look back. Of course he'll cry and deny and threaten to kill himself it's all part of "the script".

Listen Angel, you can dump him for any reason you like or no reason at all.

By what you have described, you should have got rid of him quite some time ago. It's your flat, he's a liar, you don't trust him an inch (and nor would I) and you have had enough. Get shot of him.

Really, who cares whether he harms himself with drugs or whatever? You shouldn't give way to thoughts of those sorts of threats. Most losers who threaten to do such things never (unfortunately) go through with it. It's all more blackmail to shut you the fuck up.

It's heartbreaking to discover that someone is not who you thought they were, but that's not a problem of your making. He did this. Over and over.

He needs to leave.

And, no he doesn't really love you. You don't betray the person you love.

It doesn't matter that he's nice, generous and doesn't shout. That shouldn't be your standard.

Absolute honest and trust should be your standard.

Threats of sucide, drugs etc are not your responsibility. You aren't his mother. It's not your job to look ok after him.

There are consequences to actions. He needs to deal with the consequences to his.

he has admitted that he met her in one of the cities (not the one we live in) last week. he said nothing happened, they just spoke.

which is utter bullshit. he wont say how he contacted her initially, he wont say if anything happened. he said ' you now i block this stuff out, i honestly dont remember'

which is utter shite. he just doesnt want to say to my face that he had sex with someone else.

he tried to tell his mum that he'd been messaging a girl and thats whats wrong. i text her and said no, he had met an escort.

i feel so utterly stupid. i never thought i would be posting on MN about this. i read the threads of women who this has happened to and thank god that it isnt me. i even read some of the more shocking ones to him.

only the other day did i read to him about the woman whose husband had been visiting thailand for sex. he was as 'shocked' as me.

Erm, you don't need to explain to his Mum why you are kicking him out. It isn't for her to decide.

Does it really matter whether he had sex with an escort or just "met for coffee" .

Does it matter if she was an escort or not if he was engaged in sexually explicit texting with another woman?

Don't let him or his family minimise your outrage at his deceit.

'you now i block this stuff out, i honestly dont remember'

Girl, whaaaaaaaat?

If he'd have at least admitted it that would be one thing, but the fact that he's coming out with stuff like that is just craziness.

Come on..... imagine this was your best friend lapping up that kinda bullshit. You'd want to give her a shake and tell her to kick his arse out sharpish.

Be your own best friend and get bloody rid!! He's no loss!!!!

Don't let him cry and plead his way back into your life.

Get him out, and give yourself space and time to think.

You are in a very strong position and don't need to put up with this.

i feel so lonely and empty already. the anger has gone and i feel like i want to ignore all the bad stuff just to have his company.

how pathetic is that.

im worried because he is the sort of person that will drink and threaten to kill himself, like take drugs or something. sleep on the street. i dont know, do something to make people feel sorry for him?
This will sound harsh, but he's an adult and he's not your responsibility. He's had 2 chances before, this is strike 3.

You've had a lucky escape. You are not married, you have no kids and the property is in your name.

Tell him to leave. What happens to him is no responsibility of yours. He made a choice to do this - he thought it through, searched for someone, booked it, turned up and had sex.

Lot of hoops to jump through for something meaningless....

What other option is there? You gave him one chance and it's still escalating (assuming you got the full truth first time round).

Do you want to be posting again in a few years about the same thing but with kids?

You know what you have to do. Pack up his stuff in bin bags and chuck them out the door. Change the locks and say good riddance.