Just discovered boyfriend has been using escorts

[esk1mo]

i dont know what to do please help. ive literally just discovered it and i dont know what to do

he still isnt admitting that anything happened. hes been texting me since i asked him to leave, saying he just wants to be with me and come home.

ive said no, so he is staying with his friend tonight. i do feel bad because he has no family in this city as they moved up north, but to be honest i moved here to be with him and have no friends in this city anyway. except now i have a house and bills to pay for by myself which i cant afford. at least he has many friends here.

i know it sounds pathetic but i cant see a life without him. hes all ive known literally every day for almost 5 years. i had so much fun, and so many nice times. i feel like i wont enjoy life the same way again.

i know there is no point in being with someone who does the things he has done. i cant take him back and be happy. but it hurts so much.

why would you ruin something so good for the sake of sex, its utterly pointless.

Respect
It's all about respect
Perhaps he's too immature to realise that.
Sadly I don't think men like him ever grow up.
5 years is a long time.
Ask yourself
Can You do 10 or 20 or 30 years like this
I mean ask it genuinely, rather than "will I miss him" they're different things altogether

You haven't slept together in over a year because of what happened in the past - not even the current incident. Your relationship was on borrowed time. Get out now while you're young and have no ties.

But sweetheart it wasn't that good, you haven't trusted him for over a year?

Is that how you want your life to be?

Miserable and wondering where your man is?
Losing your self esteem and sense of self worth because he isn't faithful?
Is this a good model of a relationship for future children?

But esk1mo,your a yong woman in your twenties with no ties and your own place and presumably everything to live for !
On first reading i thought this was a one off occurence but having read the ful detail my own advice to you, though you probably wont take it, is to pack his bags ,boot him out,delete him from your life and your social media and most importantly NEVER NEVER interact with him again !

I am 100% sure that you are better off on your own now and in the fullness of time you will learn to love again.

This is simply abuse.

A one off shag could be forgiven and worked through but this is much much much more than this and i am confident there is yet more to be uncovered.

Yes it will be hard but it's your home so boot him out pronto, do not listen to his crap and fake tears; or at least the tears are all for him, not you.

OP, he's constantly been cheating on you, surely starting again is better than living with someone who has zero respect for you; he's showing you that over and over again, feel sorry for him? No, he's treated you appallingly, don't forget that.

The end of a relationship is kind of like when someone dies - you only focus on the good stuff and forget the real nature of the relationship.

This is normal - you are grieving for what you wanted the relationship to be. You mistakenly belief that he will change, that this was a 'shake up' for him, or that you will be alone forever and that the 'good' in the relationship is better than nothing.

Keep reading your original post op. Keep reminding yourself that this is not love. Love is not betraying your partner. Love doesn't hurt either. So if it's hurting it's not because you love him - it's mostly likely because you are addicted to him.

eskimo,

re your comment:-
"I know it sounds pathetic but i cant see a life without him. hes all ive known literally every day for almost 5 years. i had so much fun, and so many nice times. i feel like i wont enjoy life the same way again".

The first sentence makes me think your boundaries in relationships anyway are way too low, this person took full advantage of your own niceness here. What did you learn about relationships when growing up exactly?. Have a good think about that and unlearn any rubbish lessons you picked up through counselling.

The second and third sentences to me smack of the "sunken costs fallacy" and that enables people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

What would your own counsel be to a friend in this situation?.
Your relationship was really over 18 months in when you discovered his addiction to porn. Perhaps that is a question you should ask yourself seriously now; why did you and he remain together at all from that time?. He has treated you appallingly and men like this too take an awful long time to recover from.

Your relationship is certainly over now and you should not contact him ever again. You owe him nothing really.

I would also read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

End the relationship and don't look back. I have been with two men like this. Firstly my ex-h and father of my two DS and secondly my most recent relationship where we had no children. I asked for advice on here and the overriding opinion was to LTB - which I did. He also was using secret conversations in FB. It's been just over three weeks since I booted him out, and I've made his life particularly hellish during that time. I don't think he'll be repeating his actions any time soon. It will be heartbreaking but he will not change! He might tell you he will but you will never be able to trust him again and believe me that is no way to live. I found out that he did the same to his kids mum too. Let's just say we are the year of friends now... Please take this on board. You deserve so much better and somewhere out there is a man who will love you and treat you with respect. This isn't him.

but i cant see a life without him
It will be scary.
It's all unknown.
It's exciting though.
You don't even like him and you haven't had sex in over a year.
Seriously, there is nothing to save here.
You should have dumped his years ago.
Keep him gone.

Please also look into doing the Freedom Programme.

thank you all for your replies. i have read them all and taken them all in. you are all right, its just very hard to accept.

he spent the night at his friends house, but has been texting me nonstop. begging me not to end things, that we are special. part of me feels he is just trying to manipulate the situation. every other time i caught him i never asked him to leave, i brushed it aside after a day or two for the sake of an easy life. so i think he is expecting me to do the same again. he wont accept that it can be over.

i asked him via text to tell me exactly what happened. he said he was on the train to the other city last week, that he came across her on twitter, was texting her, went to her house. he said he never touched her, never gave her any money, that they just spoke. he said he was nervous and felt like an idiot for being there. he was just asking her questions like why she does what she does etc. i said there is no way she would let you in without giving her money first, they dont work like that. he said she was weird, she kept asking him to stay but he left. he said she seemed like she liked him? i do kind of believe that because in the facebook messages to him she told him she loved him! and without boasting, he is very good looking, he used to model, and he is young. so maybe she is used to men in their 40s and 50s and had a crush on him, ,i dont know. it doesnt make any difference really.

and it doesnt excuse the fact that he was messaging her on facebook a week after meeting her, and speaking to her on facetime. the facebook messages were sexual, he said he would end up spending a couple of hundred pounds on her if he ever met her again.

he said to me he as he has a problem with porn that he wanted to meet her in real life to see if he could go through with it to see if it was just a porn thing. he said he likes compliments from other women, he said he likes the fact that some women come on to him, but that he can reject them because he has a girlfriend. as in he will flirt to the point that something physical may happen, then says no. which is so weird anyway.

sorry for rambling. its all very strange to me at the moment. part of me feels bad because he has no where to go, and not much money, only a couple of hundred pounds to his name. i feel like i should let him stay for a couple of days to sort something out. i dont know.

He's lying about not having touched her
Really don't believe that

Don't feel bad about putting him out either; he didn't value your relationship so you don't need to worry about him. Maybe if she "loves him" he can go stay with her.

sorry OP he has a bit of a screw loose. I had a friend who had a very good looking partner who was just the same. We tend to presume guys who go off like this are all weird and cant get a sh** etc, but its often not the case. Being good looking can give some a cocky kind of confidence that whatever they do their partner will just go along with it because they are a handsome dude. Unless you end it this story will be the wash, rinse, repeat scenario because I think its "in his nature" sadly, he gets a buzz from it and normal boring life isnt ever going to be enough for him . Thats my take on it anyway. It is hard when you love them but its even harder if this goes on for years

An escort will never go to the hassle of letting a potential client into her own home and then sending lots of lovey dovey messages afterwards if there hasn't been anything physical going on and cash exchanged. It doesn't matter how attractive he is, the escort needs to make a living and will only be interested in the financial gain from him. The reason she was probably being so flirtatious afterwards is to ensure she gets repeat business from him. Escorts will often lure the client in by showering them with compliments etc so they'll rebook and spend more money.
Ask him how he'd feel if you were messaging male escorts/strippers and going to visit them at their home. Would he want to continue the relationship with you? I highly doubt it!

He sounds like a manipulative creep who thinks he can wind you round his little finger. Don't be a doormat, he's an asshole and you deserve a hell of a lot better!

Just read some of the threads on the ukpunting site if you want to see how a lot of men/assholes operate. A lot of them say they could never give up seeing escorts as they love the thrill of it too much. Even if their wives found out they say they'd still find a way to continue doing it. Don't listen to his bullshit

i agree teddy there is slim to no chance that an escort would waste their time pursuing someone, whats the point? i haven't actually 100% confirmed she is an escort. all i know is that they met on twitter, and him mentioning spending a couple hundred pounds. i cant find anything on google. except that she is transgender!

he was so shocked when i told him that, he said that he didn't do anything to find out that she is transgender. he could have just paid for oral sex though. its very suspicious because he took money with him to City A where he met her, then on his way to City B the next day, he asked me to send him £150 (from joint account). i was confused as to why he needed that money, i saw him take money with him and suddenly he ran out. he denies taking enough money with him though.

part of me wants to let him stay, in the spare room. i signed into his facebook and saw he had been messaging people he knows asking for a spare room, to no avail. im signed of work at the moment, have been since january. my income is £700. my rent is £750. its only my name on the lease. i'll have to go back to work obviously, which i dont mind, but i dont know how soon i can go back. if i let him in the spare room for a few weeks then he could help cover some bills or something. i have £8 to my name at the moment. he's left me in a shitty situation. surely he should have realised his name isnt on the lease, so if he fucks up he is out on his arse.

i have read threads on UK p u n ti ng thanks to MN, thats how i know the way escorts operate! they all seem to take the money first then get down to business. so even if they did just talk, he would still have had to pay her money for that.

OP - sorry it happened to you.
And it it clear from your posts that you care about him and that you are grasping at straws - almost looking for excuses for him, and for 'best cases' - like maybe he came in and didn't have sex, etc. Maybe he can help you pay bills for a while....

However, your relationship had major issues.
You are young people, he is - as you said - attractive, and clearly sexual - and you haven't had sex for over a year. And that is not really sustainable - him cheating (in some way, or another) was a matter of time. Just being realistic. Sorry if it's too blunt.

In the way your posts sound - you have some sort of mutual dependency - but at the same time major issues. And it doesn't seem like those issues are solvable.
He can (and will) try to minimise and promise change. You, seem to want to believe it, despite knowing you shouldn't.
He may weasel his way back. But - since you didn't manage to forgive and move on last time - it won't be any easier this time. Intimacy and sex won't be there. And - he'll do it all over again.

If your rent is higher than your income - I'd look for a smaller place. Move back to where you have friends and family.
Start fresh. You are still young.

Go to your benefits office and see if you qualify for any financing help whilst you are signed off sick. Don't take him back in, he will play on your goodness to stay to keep things comfortable for him.

i just want to clarify that he hasn't cheated because we didn't have sex. we were doing other other stuff, just not full sex. and we were still always very touchy feely and romantic. the first time he used skype to webcam with a woman (after 1 yr 3 months) we were having very regular sex, so i really don't think its related to that (at least not the sole cause, i think even if we were having full sex it still would have happened).

i am 2 months into a year long lease. and £700 is what i get from my parents and sick pay combined. i cannot apply for housing benefit as my lease does not accept DSS. i was served a section 21 from my last property after applying for housing benefit (that was after 3 years of a perfect tenancy while working and doing my masters degree). housing benefit contacted my landlord to confirm my tenancy details and he served the notice and moved new tenants in immediately after we moved out. i dont want the same thing to happen to this property.

sorry if i have implied that im having second thoughts - im not. i know this is absolutely the right thing to do. i am just using MN to vent about my feelings because there is no one to talk to in real life about this.

im going to speak to him tonight because its annoying me that i dont know if he is telling the full truth. either way it makes no difference, but id rather ask one last time.

His explanation sounds like bollocks to me.

Do you want to risk being in exactly the same position but 10 years older with two children to support? If not then you know what you have to do....