Best friend? or is she?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Background is best friend and I known each other 13 years, since uni and moved around various cities for love and work. Fast forward and for the last three years we have both been since and in the same city.

We've been really close, it's been great. Done a lot together, shared a lot together; hopes, fears the usual.

Never any issues in the relationship until recently.

At the beginning of the year we both shared large birthdays within 6 weeks of one another, and the decision was to celebrate through a city break abroad. The plan had been cemented, time off work booked etc. She was non committal as the time grew closer and in the end said she couldn't afford it, fair enough. I was upset as I wanted to head away and her late admission (selfishly) left me short. My other friend in seeing my hurt and eagerness to go away went with me.

To my surprise (and quite honestly, astonishment) whilst I was away, best friend booked a May holiday away with her other friend, quite a holiday at that, and one that required immediate payment?? I said nothing, but was hurt.

In the intervening time between now and then things were different, she often 'forgot' to text back, took forever about it, etc. Sometimes I felt like she enjoyed having the upper hand, me running to her.

Then there was a dinner party where she got blind drunk, came onto a guy who said he was interested, but only for a night. Went on to chat to him, publicly shouted at me when I chatted to him at said dinner party, but went home regardless with him. When he didn't get in contact she took drastic measures to get over him (!), platinum blonde hair, cut all short :s What can I even say to that!

Now, onto the crux of the matter. Her parents have a large place that we holiday at (abroad). We have been before (last year) and planned to revisit at a reasonable time for flights, and when we could both afford to (I was beholden to her there). We agree September. Time is duly booked off work once we see great flight prices etc.

Then she suggests her other friend come. I have met this lady for 3 hours in my life, and we probably didn't get on like a house on fire. I said it probably not the best idea spending 10 days away together, threes a crowd et al. She said yeah, fair enough, it's just I mentioned it to her too.

One week later I get a random text which starts 'also, I mentioned it to X, and she's really up for it so sorry, but as i mentioned it to her first I'm going to have to go with her'. Now I'm shocked at both the contact and delivery of this. I choose not to reply as really, what can I say?!

She chases with another text (ironic given her comms of late), suggesting I'm pissed off with her. I say yes, I am and I didn't know what to say, that twice it's happened, the delivery was uncouth and as a supposed best friend I feel pretty undervalued, but moreover, I'm very hurt.

She replies let's meet up when I'm back from holiday (this is the May holiday, and over 2 weeks away?!). I say I think it better to speak before then. We have a telephone conversation where she proports to understand (but going ahead regardless) and suggests: we go on a mega holiday next year. I think this is just to appease me, and if I'm honest I don't want the tokenism and can't help but feel the relationship, or certainly the way I feel, has very much changed.

I hear nothing more from her in the intervening period, other than a text at airport that she's having a drink and it made her think of me (other friend thought that sentiment was a bit of a kick in the teeth).

I hear nothing more from her, almost 2 weeks pass. Very hurt by now.

Now to the present. We had a diary invite scheduled through for a forthcoming event. Randomly I receive a 'decline'. I reply suggesting that's a pity and is she back from holiday. She says yes, was just clearing up diary. I play it politely, asking if she still fancied it and that we should catch up, it's been over a month.

Replying a day later she says yes, it has. She's had such a brilliant weekend (don't know if this is relevant, but she's posted all over social media which she never does, pics of her with other people, very attention seeking, look at me having such a good time). She goes on to say she's very busy and says not free until X.

I suggest that will be almost two months since we have seen each other and it says it all. Ok, maybe I shouldn't have said it like that. But I am incredulous. She replied 'says what'. I've not replied. Been almost a week.

I'm so god damn hurt at her. That's it. Isn't it? She doesn't value me at all and I don't deserve this. I just wish it didn't hurt so much, I swear it's like a bad relationship has ended, and more hurtful given what we've shared.

Have I done the right thing?

In the birthday holiday, you said everything was cemented. But she was uncommitted. Could you explain that a little more?

Was it up to you to purchase tickets/make reservations and then she would reimburse you? Did you proceed with these purchases before she actually said yes, do it? I can understand that if this is standard operating procedure, that you would have had the confidence that this would work out.

That it suddenly did not work out, is the first red flag. The excuse of not being able to afford it is valid, but it is also a blind. Kind of 50/50 which is it? You gave her the benefit of friendship and believed her reason.

Then she booked the next holiday. Another red flag, that also validated the first one.

Shouting you down over the bloke incident...Another red flag. That's three: three strikes and you're out. (But I'm a Yank- doubt there is an equivalent in cricket ).

At this point it isn't surprising about the Villa invite. As previously said, she should have run her intention to add to the party by you first. She chose not to...Another aspect of rendering you invisible. Red Flag 4, as was declining common invites without seeing if you intended to go/whatever...Red flag 5.

You have had a lot of clues here that she is dumping you. I know it hurts...I've been dumped before (thus the 3 strike rule).

What is the saying? Don't make someone a priority when you are only an option for them.

Step well away. As previously said she may make an overture later on if you have put boundaries in place. Pestering her for contact will only push her away. I would be civil/polite if you bump into her, but certainly don't light up like a Christmas tree to talk to her again. Be casually indifferent. Things can not go back to the way they were.

I have two sisters. One I could very much spend ten days with. The other...we wouldn't last ten minutes.

andbandplayed you make some excellent points and yes, you're right. I somehow put up with more red flags from friendly relationship than a relationship itself.

Some of the comments have been hard to read and unfair IMO, but of course everyone can look on it subjectively and without the hurt in feeling.

For me personally, I've had a lot of let downs of late and this is one step too far. Maybe I expect more from friendships and some of you think that isn't right, but these are my rules and boundaries and a few of you have recognised she's crossed them.

I'm hurt, yes. But it's time to move on.

Whatever is going on with her, she's not in a good place. It's generally accepted that cutting ones hair very short after an unsettling incident is a sign of trauma (so shoot me). Obvs people do this for perfectly ok reasons sometimes but generally it's a sign things aren't good...

Whatever, she is brutally changing track re you. She's showing a pretty conclusive FUCK YOU. Trying to get her to reconnect is asking for trouble - she's on a mission for some reason.. Anyone's guess what that reason is.

You need to back off - for your own sake. Recalibrate, she's gone (for some reason). She may be back, who knows, but for now she's making it abundantly clear she's not there with you. Hurts like fuck

Take no notice of the 'are you treating her like a dp' comments. Honestly! Also the ' go on a nice relaxing holiday with your DH'. Bcs of course EVERYONE has a DH, that's a given. If you don't? Something not quite complete about you /us. To the point we cling onto randoms in an Inappropriate Way (needy, intense) to assuage our fundamental lack. Etc.

Op you sound suffocating. People are entitled to have more than one close friend and allowed to want to spend time with different friends or to not see certain friends for a while if they're busy or want to do other stuff . I'd be pretty pissed off if a friend behaved like you, almost like a controlling and possessive boyfriend.

If you want to continue being friends with her then back off. Don't question her about what she does and who with and don't dictate who she can go on holiday with. Invite her to things but don't sulk if she turns you down. Once you start behaving like a normal friend, I'm sure she'll want to spend the with you again.

Sort of slightly off topic, but when I was single in my thirties I went on walking and ski holidays with a group called SPICE .

Generally mostly female and we're designed for folks going on their own. I had friends but felt it was more sociable to go in a group and also meant I did the holiday I wanted to do without compromising.

Maybe not up your street OP but worth having a look .

The whole 'we're like sisters' thing is a red flag IMO. It screams needy.

She clearly didn't feel able to tell you honestly about her reasons for not wanting to go on the weekend city trip. May be a week away in May was better value for money and she could only afford one.

The question is would you have accepted that as a reason or still felt slighted?

I have a friend I tend to holiday with but i also go away with other people. My best friend of 25 years I see 2-3 times a year but could tell her anything without judgement. I never have a moments anxiety about these friendships as they are solid.

I have newer friends that want trips away, weekends together etc. The are really nice people and I love spending time together but I have lots of friends so can't commit each time. I feel the pressure to commit though which makes me feel a bit stressed tbh.

Hang on a minute, this close friendship is 13 years' standing; both in the same city, and close, for 3 years. I doubt very much if op's friend had 'not known how to tell op she didn't want to be so close' for 13 years. No, this friendship suited them both until very recently.

Different people have different friendships. I personally can't imagine having a 'best friend', it's just not my thing - but plenty of people do and it suits all concerned. What some would find 'suffocating', others don't at all. Let's not project our own tastes onto op's situation.

The fact is a close and mutually supportive friendship appears to have drastically changed recently - hence op's understandable distress.

Thanks staffy, that's exactly it.

The comment to being like sisters reflected the mutual nature of her friendship with me, in the same way I did her. It wasn't an overly intense set up, nor am I this clingy, pathetic spinstress who offloads onto one person and only holidays with one person as I don't have a DP

I feel a lot of the guts of my, as you put it, distress, are caught up in a myriad of reasons that have been thrown in which attack my behaviour.

I know that none of you know either of us, but please consider the facts of her action rather than some imagined suffocation you think I've inflicted!

You do sound a bit needy and controlling and some of your terse replies to other posters & that you've mentioned not getting on with your friend's other friend suggests that maybe you're slightly hard work at times. Not trying to be unkind, but just see it from other people's point of view.