Best friend? or is she?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Background is best friend and I known each other 13 years, since uni and moved around various cities for love and work. Fast forward and for the last three years we have both been since and in the same city.

We've been really close, it's been great. Done a lot together, shared a lot together; hopes, fears the usual.

Never any issues in the relationship until recently.

At the beginning of the year we both shared large birthdays within 6 weeks of one another, and the decision was to celebrate through a city break abroad. The plan had been cemented, time off work booked etc. She was non committal as the time grew closer and in the end said she couldn't afford it, fair enough. I was upset as I wanted to head away and her late admission (selfishly) left me short. My other friend in seeing my hurt and eagerness to go away went with me.

To my surprise (and quite honestly, astonishment) whilst I was away, best friend booked a May holiday away with her other friend, quite a holiday at that, and one that required immediate payment?? I said nothing, but was hurt.

In the intervening time between now and then things were different, she often 'forgot' to text back, took forever about it, etc. Sometimes I felt like she enjoyed having the upper hand, me running to her.

Then there was a dinner party where she got blind drunk, came onto a guy who said he was interested, but only for a night. Went on to chat to him, publicly shouted at me when I chatted to him at said dinner party, but went home regardless with him. When he didn't get in contact she took drastic measures to get over him (!), platinum blonde hair, cut all short :s What can I even say to that!

Now, onto the crux of the matter. Her parents have a large place that we holiday at (abroad). We have been before (last year) and planned to revisit at a reasonable time for flights, and when we could both afford to (I was beholden to her there). We agree September. Time is duly booked off work once we see great flight prices etc.

Then she suggests her other friend come. I have met this lady for 3 hours in my life, and we probably didn't get on like a house on fire. I said it probably not the best idea spending 10 days away together, threes a crowd et al. She said yeah, fair enough, it's just I mentioned it to her too.

One week later I get a random text which starts 'also, I mentioned it to X, and she's really up for it so sorry, but as i mentioned it to her first I'm going to have to go with her'. Now I'm shocked at both the contact and delivery of this. I choose not to reply as really, what can I say?!

She chases with another text (ironic given her comms of late), suggesting I'm pissed off with her. I say yes, I am and I didn't know what to say, that twice it's happened, the delivery was uncouth and as a supposed best friend I feel pretty undervalued, but moreover, I'm very hurt.

She replies let's meet up when I'm back from holiday (this is the May holiday, and over 2 weeks away?!). I say I think it better to speak before then. We have a telephone conversation where she proports to understand (but going ahead regardless) and suggests: we go on a mega holiday next year. I think this is just to appease me, and if I'm honest I don't want the tokenism and can't help but feel the relationship, or certainly the way I feel, has very much changed.

I hear nothing more from her in the intervening period, other than a text at airport that she's having a drink and it made her think of me (other friend thought that sentiment was a bit of a kick in the teeth).

I hear nothing more from her, almost 2 weeks pass. Very hurt by now.

Now to the present. We had a diary invite scheduled through for a forthcoming event. Randomly I receive a 'decline'. I reply suggesting that's a pity and is she back from holiday. She says yes, was just clearing up diary. I play it politely, asking if she still fancied it and that we should catch up, it's been over a month.

Replying a day later she says yes, it has. She's had such a brilliant weekend (don't know if this is relevant, but she's posted all over social media which she never does, pics of her with other people, very attention seeking, look at me having such a good time). She goes on to say she's very busy and says not free until X.

I suggest that will be almost two months since we have seen each other and it says it all. Ok, maybe I shouldn't have said it like that. But I am incredulous. She replied 'says what'. I've not replied. Been almost a week.

I'm so god damn hurt at her. That's it. Isn't it? She doesn't value me at all and I don't deserve this. I just wish it didn't hurt so much, I swear it's like a bad relationship has ended, and more hurtful given what we've shared.

Have I done the right thing?

Some of her behaviour isn't great but you sound quite judgemental about some of her choices and pitying towards her. No doubt she senses that. That would make me want to distance myself from a friend and perhaps not spend a 10 day holiday alone with her

As to the comment about the huge appearance change, I was making the point that she knew what it was, proceeded regardless (it lasted 12 hours) and made a huge drama about how she needed an image overhaul. I was sad for her as it's not an image thing, it's an esteem thing. As a friend, I tried to help, to only get shouted at.*

Were you asked for your help? Yes it was a mistake she made. But her mistake to make. Many people find a image change helps their esteem. Or maybe not. But thats up to her. Its not up you to decide who she should sleep with or when she should change her image.

That comment plus the fact that you feel the friendship means nothing because you havent seen her for 8 weeks, does suggest you are very intense and very over involved/invested. She may just want some space.

Thank so for replies, take the points. I feel a bit shit about some of them, maybe it is me. I only tried to do the right thing and have been left out wondering what I could have done differently.

You were just close! Not ' intense' at all: close, like sisters. You could reasonably have expected to be close forever.

Now she's pulled the rug - and doing it badly, brutally, rudely, disrespectfully. So painful! And as she's a friend, society says she can do plain what she likes, when she likes, how she likes. If you have anything to say about it you're intense, judgemental blah blah

It just fucking HURTS to lose such a precious - you reasonably expected forever - friendship. You have my full sympathy

Thank you so much springy, it's true, we were like that, that's why I'm hurting. I'm trying to be self aware and I just don't understand. Pulling the rug is exactly it.

If I was intense she's very much as too- until she wasn't.

Your kind words made me emosh!

Look, it's shit when this happens to you. Bewildered as someone said, with a large dose of "what did I do?"

But it does sound like the relationship had been for the past few years a bit exclusive, in the sense there was an expectation that you do things together first.

The city break for your birthdays. She pulled out saying she couldn't afford it. I suspect she just didn't fancy it once the other friend invited her to the "big" destination. Suddenly a city break didn't look quite so exciting and she could only do one or the other. Usually the only way you can get out of a holiday is to claim you can't afford it. What you cannot say to your supposed bestie is "I much prefer the sound of her holiday so I'm dumping ours for that one, 'kay?"

I understand why you feel hurt - it sounds really painful.

I do, however, think people have commented gently (and not so gently) what you could have done differently. There is a possessive edge to the way you describe your friendship - lots of calculated withdrawal and then 'hurt' messages. I understand why, I really do... and the bewilderment, however she doesn't sound like the kind of person who is going to respond to this at all. I think you are opening yourself up for a world of hurt and feeling vulnerable if you carry on like this. It seems you have to accept the change in relationship and enjoy it as something else (not sure I could) or let it go.

I'm sorry .

june I'm glad you can have the luxury of going on holiday for 10 days with DH. I don't have a DH. My friendships are important to me, as the PP said, we were like sisters.

And yes, it plugged the loneliness -for us both. Maybe before posting you can consider that some people are single and don't have the comfort of a DH to holiday with.

Are possibly treating yiur friend kike they are a replacement Dp?

I get it you are hurt. I just dont think the issue is all on one side. Even sisters relationships ebb and flow. Even sisters dont only go on holiday together, just the 2, all the time.

Your last posts suggests your are ectremely lonely and would like a dh/dp to go on holiday with etc.

This friend can't replace a committed romantic relationship.

I also see her point of view with the holiday home.

She invited her friend along to join the two of you, presumably thinking 10 days is a long time, the more the merrier. Other friend is flipping thrilled, it's a formal offer.

Then you say no.

This puts her in a bloody awkward situation. What does she do? She's already invited someone who's looking forward to it.

She decides she can't rescind her invite, she can't dump this friend on your say so and then look her in the eye afterwards.

So she says sorry first come first served.

It was that simple.

For goodness sake, I can't win. No, they're not a replacement DP. I'm just making the point that friendly relations are important, and that if I'm to be criticised for wanting to holiday with a friend as it seems intense, yet societally more acceptable to holiday with a DH etc.

Glad you think it that simple, Elspeth. Maybe it would be if it not for the incident previous, or the fact it bloody hurts.

Sorry, but you're going to get objective opinions here. We don't know either of you.

I fully expect that, elspeth, I'm just asking you to dose a little emotion into your objectivity. We are not robots. It can and does hurt.

Its not wanting the holiday that makes it look intense. Its the whole story you have painted

I am not trying to upset you. Just suggest that you look at the whole if you want to salvage it. Maybe her boundries have changed.

A realtionship with a dp is different. Usually its mutally exclusive and you choose to combine most aspects of your life. Its not acceptable to ask your boyfriend to go on holiday with you and your husband. Its not accpeted you would have a boyfriend and a husband.

But you can have different friends and invite other friends to join you doing something. Your best friend felt she wanted a change. So the friendship has to change.

In a romantic relationship, if one decides to have anotger romantice relationship it usually spells the end. Thats not the case in a friendship.

Your choice is to recognise she wants to change how things are and accept the change or end the friendship.

All relationships never stay the same forever. You change with them or they die.

I'm not sure sisters is indicative of a close relationship tbh if the relationships board is anything to go by. Plus it's also misleading in its definition of dynamics given that most sisters have their own families and friendship circles.

I feel for you op. You sound unhappy and confused

But in the nicest and gentlest way it seems to be the tip of the iceberg as to what's going on underneath. If you don't mind me asking when we're you last in a long term romantic relationship?

LedaP speaks alot of sense. Listen to her OP

I wouldn't go on a 10 day trip with my sister if you paid me, tbh. And we text every day.

Have you both been part of a larger circle or is it always been the two of you? It does sound very full on as I said my best friends from uni will go months even a year or so of not seeing each over due to families, working moving around. We don't let this divine our friendships. When we met up we pick up where we left off. I seen my friends last October for my sons christening then one of them in April then both of them in May bank holiday.

I was particularly close with two different individuals and would regularly go out with them. They wouldn't gel well with other friends and seemed to rather go out together. When I met dh I had different priorities we moved into together and didn't have as much spare money. She want really full on and it got to the point it was suffocating. My other friend understood I had a BF as she did but again when I extended my family further she couldn't understand why I choose to have another baby and she lost her drinking buddy.

I have two seperate friendship groups one from school where we are all moms and my university friends who don't have families yet we all still remain friends because we understand our lives get busy with work families etc.

She can still be you friend even best friend but I would extend your friendship circle further. Social with others.

If you are already feeling a bit got at, you probably won't like what I've got to say, but I really think you could still turn this around with this friend if you did listen to the advice on here.

Basically you are acting like you are in an exclusive monogamous friendship here, as if your friend is your partner. You are cross if she holidays with anyone else (even though it really is up to her what holidays she fancies, my friends holiday with lots of other friends) and even crosser when she invites someone to her own/family's holiday home, which again, might have been nice if you hadn't been so jealous of the other person (why only speak a few words to them and decide you wouldn't get on?) You are then sulking and sending not very nice texts about 'how long you are going to be apart'. Op, this is not friend behaviour and nice friends won't put up with it. I have a lot of good female friends, including a best friend, and I wouldn't want such an intense and exclusive friendship with one person, nor would my friends expect it- we all have each other's friendship AND lots of other friends/holidays/nights out.

I also think your friend is behaving fine- she knows this is all too intense and not very healthy, so is backing off a tiny bit, going out with new and different friends (what would you do if she got a boyfriend!) and still including you- she invited you to the villa this year, she said she'd like to go on a big holiday next year, and posted a message saying she was thinking of you on her holiday (which she is entitled to go on and have fun, with anyone else!)

I think the door to that friendship is still open, but only if you stop the pity party and start being a good friend in a less intense way. If you are 13 years from uni, then you are at least mid thirties, and it was always inevitable that things will pull you away from a very intense friendship, be it new partners, new travels (as you may not always live close), having children, or just making new friends. If what you want is a life partner, who can do the big holidays with you, then you need to go out and find one, not be cross at this friend that she can't always do that with you.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I think if you carry on the way you are, with this level of anger towards someone living their life fairly normally to my eyes, then you will lose her as a friend. She didn't make a vow to you, and she will move on if you don't stop it. I'd text her apologising for the last text, just say 'I'm sure you are pretty busy, totally understand,be lovely catch up when you have a chance, let's chat again soon' and leave it for a week or two. Then look to widening your own social circle/finding a partner so you are less dependent on her.

I think as you get older the notion of a 'Best Friend' falls by the wayside. I'm close to my friend from uni, but as the years have gone on, she has other close friends, as have I. Our friendship has evolved and we're still in a good place: I'm going to be Godmother to her baby, she's my maid of honour.

It sounds like this is what she's doing OP and I'll be honest, you do sound quite intense and needy.

A relative of mine is on her 50s and always goes on about her 'bestie' to the point the rest of us were polite but inwardly did a lot of eye rolling. Then her BFF moved to a coastal town without telling her.

It's ok for female friendships to come to a close. Back away gently and forge friendships with others.

As Turnip said, 'best friends' usually evolve as you get older. Often it is when one or both of you get into a long term relationship/have children. The fact that this didn't happen with you two allowed the situation to carry on much longer and almost made you into a 'couple' yourselves. And then eventually your friend met a new friend, and it was probably exciting like meeting a new partner, and she then felt shackled by your full on relationship. I understand how you feel hurt but I do think your friendship needs re-defining to allow each other freedom.

I think the problem here is not your friend wanting a less intense friendship, but rather the way she has gone about it.

The Birthday weekend situation was just silly. Your friend should have made it clear that she did not want to go rather than tell a lie and amplify that lie when she paid for an even more expensive holiday later.

The invite to the holiday home is the same. You had an invite from the previous year and were happily looking forward to it. Your friend should have said to you honestly that she was going to invite another person and say that if that didn't work for you, then she was sorry but that her preference was for a different holiday companion this year.

There are really much tougher conversations that you will have with close friends as you get older than not wanting to go on holiday together.

In my close friendship group, we have supported each other through infertility, miscarriages, divorces, PND, redundancy, death of family members etc etc. You can't do that unless you are honest with each other.

In fairness to you friend, she may be frightened of the way you react if she is truthful. In which case, perhaps you might consider whether your expectations of the friendship are too high?

I would send her a brief message explaining that you have been friends for a long time and would like to clear the air.

I had a situation with a friend of 30 years who just stopped getting in touch, but because another friend is related to her I sometimes hear about what she has been doing.
I had to face the fact that she had other friends she would rather spend time with, which is hurtful, and that maybe she didn't value our friendship as much as I did, but that's life.
Friendship is a gift. We don't 'own' our friends, and they, and we are free to move on.
As you get older having different friends for different things sometimes works. I have as sympathetic friend who is very supportive, a shared interest friend, a friend who always makes me laugh. None of these is a 'best' friend. All of them (and a few more) are important, but in different ways.
It is hard OP, but I hope you will be able to move on.

Honestly op the whole freindship sounded a bit intense & sounds like you relied on her a bit too much. Would be good for you to take a step back now. Of course you are hurt & thats understandable. But put some distance between you for now & see what happens in future

I think that as others have said, you can't force someone to be in a friendship they don't want. Generally if someone becomes flakey with you the best thing is to just stop chasing them.