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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the friend with all the drama

39 replies

Cheesetriangle05 · 10/06/2017 17:57

I have been through a lot in the last 18months.
It has been a crazy, crazy time.
It's has no doubt taken its toll on me mentally.
I have Dcs and work full time. I don't get a lot of time to see friends. But when I do, it's always a good chance to catch up. When it's my turn to chat, there's always a lot of drama to talk about, mainly over the last year or so. I could tick every box: relocation, divorce talks, bereavements, job changes, family arguments, illnesses. I always find it a relief to get things off my chest amongst friends, other friends do the same too, but perhaps have not had as many stresses to deal with in such a short period.
I've always a had a lot going on, but never as much as recently. Perhaps I've always attracted Drama, just not to the degree I have in recent months.
Anyway, catching up with a group of friends I've known for a while and I could sense quite clearly that one friend has had quite enough of listening to my woes, without going into detail of what was implied, but she left quite abruptly. I have not heard from her since.
I feel quite guilty for being so stressy each time we've met up, always with problems to talk through. I can understand why she might be annoyed.
It's not likely that there can be an honest, frank discussion to talk through how she might feel and I think she's made a conscious decision to terminate our friendship, Im always conscious to listen to and take an interest when other friends are speaking, but I have been perhaps too occupied with my own problems to have been able to dedicate myself fully to being a better person and better company recently. I guess my friends are becoming tired of my drama and to be honest, so am I.
What's the answer here? Please be kind!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/06/2017 17:59

Most things are only as dramatic as you make them.

RebornSlippy · 10/06/2017 18:02

I note you mentioned when it's your "turn" to chat. Can you honestly say that you give due time and attention to what is going on in your friends' lives? I understand the importance of having friends as sounding boards; it's invaluable. But friendship is a two way street and this means that they must also have a forum to unload. Just because they may not have the same multitude or severity of issues that you have does not mean they are not worthy of air time.

Be honest with yourself, OP. Do they get this time to off load with you? Or do you find yourself dominating the conversation or merely tolerating their talk while waiting for your turn to talk?

I ask because I know people like this and it becomes a monologue of their woes and problems. And while they certainly have them, it is a very one sided relationship and one, which is hard to tolerate after a fashion.

TheNaze73 · 10/06/2017 18:03

It sounds like one way traffic. Is that the case?

CrazedZombie · 10/06/2017 18:05

Are other people in your group going through stuff? I'm not saying that you are ignoring their needs but can you find out what's happening in their lives? Do you have outlets other than these friends with regards to venting about your problems? MN is very knowledgeable about practical as well as emotional stuff.

AndBandPlayedScotlandTheBrave · 10/06/2017 18:18

Perhaps it is everything that is negative all the time...that can be a drain. Friends can be supportive, but imho, they are not the same thing as a support group. You could try to apologize for this and monitor your choice of subject. And perhaps get a counsellor for yourself to process all that you are going through.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2017 18:20

Perhaps you have been far more self-absorbed than you think. You need to be honest with yourself and really examine your behaviour. Being around someone who is constantly complaining, constantly blaming everyone else for their miseries, is exhausting. EVERYONE has problems and taking yours in day in day out was probably too much.

YoshimiBTPR · 10/06/2017 18:21

Can you afford counselling? Sounds like you have had a lot going on and if you feel the need to offload then it's probably to help you cope.

If you don't see them often and if you have no partner to chat to I can see why you end up spilling it all when you do meet.

Try not to feel bad about it so far but perhaps try to do it differently next time. Could you chat to one of your friends who you trust to be kind about it? Perhaps it's not as unbalanced as you think or you might get some useful feedback.

Setting aside your own worries altogether occasionally and chatting about others lives (esp if they are lucky enough to be happy) might provide some relief from your own drama.

Chasingsquirrels · 10/06/2017 18:25

It depends whether it is all the time or phases of your life all coming together but not a normal thing for you.

I went through a bad time when exH left and went over things endlessly and felt I was just going on about it to my friends.
I'm now back in a similar place following dh's death.
But in between the times, and still now, I've also supported my friends and been there to listen to them.

I'm tired of the stuff in my life at the moment - I'd like to get off and be back to a normal keel. I'm sure my friends would like that too. But sometimes life isn't like that. It isn't as dramatic as I'm making it - it isn't actually dramatic, it's just deep numbing grief.

Can you do anything yourself to address the drama in your life, or to fill it with other things?

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 10/06/2017 18:33

I have a friend like this (Anna is that you Grin?).

While anyone else is talking you can see her planning what she wants to say, thinking about her own version of when this situation happened to her, not really listening at all.

It's incredibly frustrating and I've had to leave the room before when she starts.

WingsofNylon · 10/06/2017 18:43

Sorry you are going through a tough time. Friends are for offloading but they are also for fun. Maybe you are using them too much for the first and not really being good company?

Nymerialuna · 10/06/2017 18:43

Unfortunately negativity breeds negativity.
I will never forget a comment made to me years ago that basically said we know you are ill and suffering but you are making yourself a victim, is that what you want to be?
Really hit home.
Turning that into something that may help you, perhaps your friends are sympathetic to your issues but are you perhaps playing the victim a bit? It's probably not intentional but we all get wrapped up in our own issues.
Could you try setting a rule that you only mention the negative if someone asks? And / or set a limit on how long the discussion lasts.
You could also use the time with friends as your escape from the problems xxx

WingsofNylon · 10/06/2017 18:46

Also as pp said things are only as much drama as you make them. Thinking back to the past 2 years I could write a list fairly similar to yours but not once would i consider any of that time to be drama. Is a job change really a drama?!

numbmum83 · 10/06/2017 18:53

I can be one of these types of friends . I've had so much happen to me apparently I could write a book but I have also have friends who will msg me and go on and on and on about themselves and don't even ask how I am . Then are shocked when a few months down the line they find something out about me and say "why didn't you tell me ?" It's pretty hard to get a word in edgeways with them moaning on about themselves.

I've just ended a 10 year friendship with my bff for a number of reasons but 1 being she would struggle to even recall anything significant that has happened in my life coz all our conversations are dominated by her pointless drama . I stopped even telling her anything because if I started a conversation about me she would interrupt me and say "can I just finish what I was saying before I forget" .
Sometimes people need counsellors not friends ...

Sn0tnose · 10/06/2017 18:57

Have you been using the catch ups with your friends as an opportunity to talk things through and have a good moan? I don't blame you if you've had a lot on your plate, but if you're doing it every single time, then it's going to be quite draining on your friends. How much time do you spend with them just having a laugh and not talking about the negative things going on?

The next time you're out and someone asks you how you are, I think that it would be a good idea to smile, tell them that you aren't bad and concentrate on the positives. Your friends will be there for you when you need them, but they aren't trained counsellors 💐

NImbleJumper · 10/06/2017 19:26

You know, I find that when I am going through tough stuff, when I see friends I don't want to talk about the crap at all. I want to find out what's going on with them, not go over and over the dreary shite I'm having to live through.

I find thinking about others and immersing myself in their ideas and views really helps ME by directing energy out.

You generally get what you give in this life, I find.

KeyChange · 10/06/2017 19:40

I've had a tough year and have worried about dominating the conversation. It's cos I rarely have adult company so when I do it just all pours out. I'm now totally sympathetic to old people on buses striking up conversation.

I have apologised to friends about it and they say they understand. I think it just helps to let them know you really appreciate them listening and that it won't be like this forever (hopefully).

I have been on the receiving end too with a friend who had a messy breakup. I spent every meet up listening to the latest development. Ironically she's been completely disinterested in my troubles so I've barely seen her. I think our relationship was defined by her being dramatic and me being supportive and she couldn't deal with that changing.

I'm now actively trying to talk less about my situation cos to some extent it was just refuelling the drama rather than laying it to rest.

SeaEagleFeather · 11/06/2017 14:41

All the previous stuff can be true but sometimes, some friends are pretty shallow. Good time friends tend to be unable to cope when someone's going through a hard time, never mind a whole pile of things happening at once. You've had a lot more than normal to deal with and some people can't cope with that.

Having said that, it could be that you do need to maybe talk a bit less about the difficult stuff and leave it behind when you meet up, sometimes.

another20 · 11/06/2017 15:15

Do you think that the rest of the group had an issue? Did they comment on her leaving? What is she like in the group? Could be that she felt you were over bearing - or maybe she generally needs to dominate or be the centre of attention?

Ellisandra · 11/06/2017 16:30

Changing jobs is rarely a drama.
You don't like your job or you spy opportunity elsewhere. You apply. You get it. You give notice. Your friends say "well done!" and then you start your new job. That's it, most of the time.

And "divorce talks" made me Hmm - so, not actually a divorce then?

Might be worth a little honest introsoection!

GreenTulips · 11/06/2017 16:34

There needs to be a balance between the good stuff and the bad - any funny things happen recently?

My DH gets very miserable and self absorbed during stressful times and can't see anything right with the world -

When you are on your knees you still have laughter - it's what keeps us going

ElspethFlashman · 11/06/2017 17:41

relocation, divorce talks, bereavements, job changes, family arguments, illnesses

Other than "divorce talks" (dunno what that means tbh) that's my list.

I always give myself 5 mins to talk about it. If people want to know more they ask more and it can stretch a bit longer. But tbh if I've been talking for 10 mins, it's time for me to shut the fuck up and ask about their stuff.

Paperdoll16 · 11/06/2017 17:50

Hmm, I think you need to pick and choose when you share those 'woes'.

It sounds like the only time you chat and catch up is on a girly together. Who wants to talk about negative, depressing crap when looking forward to a catch up.

I'm not saying that's not what friends are for. They are. But I would share my shit with my closest friend(s) only, in a two way street/ text convo/ phone call etc

when we go out it's to have a drink and a laugh. It would annoy me if every time I got dressed up or caught up with my friends it involved counselling I would be less reluctant to go too. Time and a place..

Holdingonbarely · 11/06/2017 18:17

Perhaps a therapist is a good idea. I felt and still feel that I massively burden my friends with my "obsessional" overthinking

Then i obsessionly overthink that they're fed up with my obsessional overthinking

Therapy helps...

PaintingByNumbers · 11/06/2017 18:25

maybe spread things out between people, so one friend for grief talk, one for divorce chat etc, or try counselling - tbh it will be better for helping you come to terms with eg bereavement, and save fun stuff for friends. we all need down time to forget our worries, friend time is great for this.

category12 · 11/06/2017 18:27

Are you talking about anything fun and having a laugh together, or doing anything nice together? If it's just a lot of intense conversations, it does get very wearisome.