I'm the friend with all the drama

[Cheesetriangle05]

I have been through a lot in the last 18months.
It has been a crazy, crazy time.
It's has no doubt taken its toll on me mentally.
I have Dcs and work full time. I don't get a lot of time to see friends. But when I do, it's always a good chance to catch up. When it's my turn to chat, there's always a lot of drama to talk about, mainly over the last year or so. I could tick every box: relocation, divorce talks, bereavements, job changes, family arguments, illnesses. I always find it a relief to get things off my chest amongst friends, other friends do the same too, but perhaps have not had as many stresses to deal with in such a short period.
I've always a had a lot going on, but never as much as recently. Perhaps I've always attracted Drama, just not to the degree I have in recent months.
Anyway, catching up with a group of friends I've known for a while and I could sense quite clearly that one friend has had quite enough of listening to my woes, without going into detail of what was implied, but she left quite abruptly. I have not heard from her since.
I feel quite guilty for being so stressy each time we've met up, always with problems to talk through. I can understand why she might be annoyed.
It's not likely that there can be an honest, frank discussion to talk through how she might feel and I think she's made a conscious decision to terminate our friendship, Im always conscious to listen to and take an interest when other friends are speaking, but I have been perhaps too occupied with my own problems to have been able to dedicate myself fully to being a better person and better company recently. I guess my friends are becoming tired of my drama and to be honest, so am I.
What's the answer here? Please be kind!

I guess my friends are becoming tired of my drama

No, just that one friend. And that could be for a host of reasons, not necessarily that you were being dreary.

Ime some people like to keep things light. They may have lost a leg/job/husband/money but they don't want to dwell on it - indeed can't cope with dwelling on it. So along you come, fully conversant with your emotions, able to keep things in balance, the to and fro of friendship, and they can't cope. To some people it's unseemly to go on about troubles in company and they get quite hot under the collar about it. Each to their own. Not necessarily your stuff at all.

So it's just that one friend, remember. That said, it's a good idea to check the temperature now and again. Is there someone in the group who is effectively grinding their teeth. Chances are they're one of Those: people who don't appreciate the ebb and flow of life and friendships and don't want someone to let it all hang out in their vicinity. Fair enough. You don't have to take their reaction personally, necessarily.

I think heart to hearts are for one to one situations. Group gatherings are for fun.

Someone upthread mentioned a victim mentality. I think that's what gets to me. I avoid people who paint themselves as a martyr or a victim - we've all been through stuff and people who act like they are delicate flowers blown about by the winds of fate really get to me. Also those who moan about eg husbands being crap but then continue to let their husbands get away with acting like shit while they clean everything, look after the kids etc...it's too much.

We all love a moan but no one wants to hear about how you have it the worst of anyone.

Not saying that's the case, but think about if you're doing those things (I know I can be guilty of it, so I try really hard not to.)

Cheese it's not your fault you've had so much going on, I'm not being funny, but I really hate it when a friend or group of friends, join together to decide 'the best course of action!'

At one period I had medical things, bereavement, relationship issues, pretty much the full bingo card. Two friends I thought that were close and understood started questioning me and saying there's no way that can be possible. I'm still in limbo do I send her the GP's letter that indicates, yes it is my reality.

I always think it's better to have a few really good friends who would stand by you through anything, that Ines like your friends who's visibly letting you know, she's not into it. Whilst she's not into it it's still your life, it impacts you, I doubt you ever pull people up on things if they have a hundred issues or one.

I hope you still have people you can rely on. Maybe say to them I'm really sorry there's been so much drama with me, it's just how it's been, but I understand how it looks from your angle.

If you ever need to vent we're here and I'm sure most of us would hand hold, whilst to get things off your chest. So keep smiling, the good news is you're the spirit of your destiny, it can and does get better. I know it doesn't feel like it and therefore you feel crappy on all levels.

Hope things start to get better and more bearable soon.

I agree with expat on this.

To be honest while friends are supportive, the problem is that one has to be the recipient. So any "drama" they might have fades into the background. In all honesty I rarely if ever mention problems to friends because it soon gets boring for them.

"Divorce talks"? Are you still in the relationship?

Job moves (plural): yours?

If you bang on in a 'woe is me' type way when it's your 'turn' that can be very self-absorbed and attention seeking.

It's difficult to tell from your post if it's that or if your friend is being unreasonable as we obviously only have your side of things.

If you're honest with yourself-do you think you are going on about your dramas?

I had a catch up a while back, that eventually became (after more wine) all about one friends particular woes. She apologised, but I really didn't mind. There was a lot going on for her and for various reasons she has less support. I was happy to listen to her.

The person who left is allowed to not want to listen. You don't know what is going on for them that drives their reaction. I'm a bit surprised that people don't think friends are people you share struggles with. Having said that, I'd pick your moment. Don't launch into what a terrible time if you're all out and enjoying an activity. The groups of friends I have tend to split into smaller conversations naturally, which is where I'd be having the discussion about something that concerns me.

I might, depending on the friendship, text the person who left and say something along the lines of 'notice you left, hope I wasn't monopolising the conversation too much. How are you? Hope all is ok in your world.' I remember my mum basically writing off a friendship when person in question came round, whinged about childcare and suggested my mum look after hers because she 'didn't work'. My mum had three kids, chronic fatigue syndrome and was struggling with a major renovation project. Which the woman would have known, if she'd asked 'how are you!'.

OP - you asked what the answer is - you should apologise to your friend and then stop dominating the conversation when you go out.
You may think your life is harder/more troubled than everyone else's, but the truth is is probably isn't. It is not all about you.

You've had a lot more than normal to deal with and some people can't cope with that.

Changing jobs? Relocation? Bereavements? Illnesses?

These are not easy things, but they're hardly unusual. Most people take them in their stride.

Frankly, OP your post sounds like it's almost a matter of pride that you h"have all the drama." Your friend sounds as though she did what she needed to do to keep her calmness - rather than feed what sounds like somewhat self-regarding drama, by responding to it, or protesting to your face - she just removed herself.

Maybe you need to have a think about what might be going on for her which caused her to leave a group of friends, presumably a gathering she was enjoying?

As I said earlier, sometimes thinking of others before yourself can really help you - helping others can make us feel good.

I think if you see your friends regularly, it's ok to chat about everything, and have them as sounding boards. But by the sound of things, you don't see them much, yet have still completely offloaded. I can understand it, but think you need to put a face on it more. Balance, and all that. I agree that counselling would be a good, positive decision so that you don't need to use your friends for this on the rare occasions you see them.
Hope things improve for you soon OP. It sucks when all our problems come at once

I'd advise OP to take this seriously.

If it's just the one friend who the bad vibes have come from and/or the drama is a relatively recent thing, then maybe it's a one-off/something that'll blow over.

But if it's a very longstanding thing it really needs to be nipped in the bud as soon as possible. Many people can't abide excessive drama.

Well I think we can all have phases like this where an overwhelming amount of rubbish descends on us.

I guess it's a hint that you need to take a step back, take some time to relax a bit more (exercise, mindfulness) and listen a bit more when out with friends.

On the whole I think it's a bit shitty of her to do that. But some people only want to surround themselves with positive people. They aren't interested in the problems of others. I'd say she's not your type.

In my own life, job moves enforcing relocations at really inconvenient times, three redundancies, illness, several bereavements with the death of close family members and family fallouts have been pretty common place. Every new year I used to wish for it to stop, until I realized that actually, this is just the stuff of life.

Putting to one side the people who have coping issues and who would benefit from both practical advice and perhaps counselling, if you are able to acknowledge and accept this, it does help with your general attitude.

Think carefully about whether your friends are likely to regard you as a 'radiator' or a 'drain' I have friends who've had far more than a fair share of challenging situations, but even when they confide, we still have a warm and pleasant conversation. There are others though, who always seem to have a litany of problems and the way they act is so draining that at the end of their conversation, I usually feel quite spent and not particularly eager either to continue the meet up, or to arrange another.

If you think back through your conversations, how you present the situations, how much you not only listen, but respond to your other friends, and you analyze how others might perceive you, then you should get your answer. Either you really need to look to yourself, or, perhaps this particular friend had other reasons for reacting and bailing the way she did.

Do you want to repair and continue with that friendship? If so there are surely ways to approach her and sort it out.