How to fall back in love / get the spark back?

[MidnightMoonlight]

Been with DH 12 years, have a 7 yo.

It's the classic - thought we were happy until someone else came along.

The someone else is another guy who I have to work with and has a massive thing for me. I like him too. And now I've realised life doesn't have to be boring. That I'm not necessarily happy with a safe and content life.

The other bloke makes me feel alive for the first time in years and I've realised DH and I have become stale. Sex life has stagnated. He doesn't pay me compliments or notice my appearance.

I live DH and I want to make an effort for the sake of our DC. He's kind, cares for us and we have similar interests. He is a homebody and very relaxed and rarely takes charge or makes plans or does anything unless I arrange it. He is a good dad and is faithful and reliable.

But how do I stop comparing him unfavourably to a more exciting person. I'm sure its a grass is greener situation but I feel like I'm seeing my life with a fresh pair of eyes lately and I don't like it.

If possible I'd stop communicating with this other person. If not, at least stop discussing anything even remotely personal. Cultivating any sort of friendship is only going to grow more intimacy which isn't helpful or fair (to your DH or your relationship).

Have you talked to your DH about your dissatisfactions? Have you asked him to be more complimentary or to organize something for you both to do once in a while? It sounds like your husband is a good guy and it seems unfair to write him off as boring and safe if you haven't discussed these things with him.

'The grass is greener where you water it' and if you're expending energy on this fantasy relationship with someone else then you're diverting energy you could be investing in improving your relationship.

I'd imagine that excitement is likely to fade in most long-term relationships and would with this other guy too. Try to remind yourself of that.

If I've been eating carrot cake for years suddenly chocolate cake looks really good. Like above you need to stop expending energy into this other person. I think a lot of us go through stages of having crushes. It's what we do about it. Do you want out of your marriage?

I started to feel like this about three years ago with my DH. I started to feel bored and restless, and also started to not want sex anymore. My DH is lovely and kind, but I just started to feel really fed up with the routine of life.

I started spending more time with someone else who I had known for a long time and who I was in touch with on a daily basis anyway. I can't say much more than that but let's call this person X. I ended up totally falling for X and we ended up starting what was - from my point of view - an emotional affair. We were texting constantly, totally wrapped up in ourselves, I was distracted constantly. There were times I'd be having sex with DH and desperate to get back to my phone. In my head, it was like having 2 relationships. My H never really noticed any of this...too busy engrossed in his phone as well, and I was incredibly good at hiding my emotions (more on this below).

The 'relationship' with X went on but things started to go wrong. It was incredibly intense and volatile. We were on a total high one minute then having these awful misunderstandings the next. I started to become quite needy and we started arguing, although just couldn't leave each other alone.

Things came to a head when X and I had a huge row and I realised what an absolute mess I was in. I ended up phoning a counsellor and booking some counselling sessions. She helped me unravel some of my issues such as what was X providing for me that I wasn't getting from DH, what was making me so restlsss. We discussed mid life crises and how to find contentment in your relationship at whatever stage you're at, how to cope when the spark goes, how to accept people as they are, how maybe H had noticed what was going on but had chosen to ignore it for a peaceful life. H knew nothing of the counselling and still doesn't. It blows my mind that I went through such a huge crisis and he literally had no idea what a mess my head was.

I am kind of coming through it all now but it was undoubtedly the worst experience of my life. The strength of my feelings for X totally blew me away. We still have to be in touch daily which is hard.If it had been a sexual relationship, it would have been utterly disastrous.

It's very frightening what can happen when a gap opens up and someone else steps in. I never in a million years thought I'd be writing this.

Been in very similar situation and I have read alot of threads on this .

The advice is to re focus all attention on your DH, use the new positive focus to benefit your sex life with him.

Ellabeth gives great advice and I would love to know how she feels now and how long it took to get " back to normal".

I am also still in contact although not reguarly however I do feel ashamed at how I acted and upset that I often still think of him. We had a physcial and mental connection and in alot of ways he feels like a best friend at times but I have to pull that back and think I want to be with DH .

You are not alone in this.

Charlotte - part of me feels that I'll never feel 'normal' again. I look back on all the years I had with my DH and I was so content, and never gave happiness a second thought. I feel hyper aware of everything these days...trying to keep our relationship on track, trying not to get overwhelmed by my feelings for X, trying to make sure DH and I have sex and don't drift. It's not a hugely comfortable postion to be in. I do love him but that effortless contentment has gone. I don't think that will ever come back. I've been through such a crisis - and I really don't say that lightly - I really do think it affected my mental health, that sometimes I think that in itself puts distance between us. I look at him happily watching tv at times and just think 'my god, you have no idea'.

I've had to try and manage my feelings for X but it's hard as we need to be in touch constantly. Our lives are hugely entangled. It's ok but not great. I think X loves me whereas I fell in love...if that makes sense. My emotions were out of control, and still have the ability to be, although counselling has made me more aware of this. It's no magic fix though.

I'm very aware of how fragile I can be whereas before all this I was the happiest, most emotionally secure person ever.

It's taught me never to judge people on appearances. I had the happiest, breeziest smile on my face in the school playground, in the midst of all this.

Ella thank you, it is so hard as something like this is so hard to talk to anyone about at all your honestly and self awarness is really a breath of fresh air .

I have had the same feelings looking at DH thinking he has no idea what is going on . I find this really difficult as when we got together we were so passionate and young i remember thinking how could that ever change or could people ever cheat if they are happy.

I really struggle now with any confidence even tho DH is great I am not happy with my weight after dc and feel no pyhsical attraction to dh due to my own issues I am so overwhelmed with the dc but when i think of my friend i do feel a tiny reminder of what it is like to feel physical desire

In the exact same situation. Wish I could stop how I feel!!

The grass can be greener. You only get one shot at life. If he's not making you happy, do the off

Lara, that is the hardest thing. It's impossible to talk to anyone in real life. My situation just built up and up in my head. All these intense emotions, and the guilt and confusion just swimming around constantly. It was like a pressure cooker. I hated that I was obssessed with X but had no outlet. It was inevitable that things would come to a head. It was dreadful xx

Sometimes life is like this. It's why so many men have affairs. Let's face it the excitement of the secret is better than the drudgery of everyday life.

I have had two physical affairs. I am older and wiser now but at the time they were exciting and made me
feel exhilarated. It was terrible behaviour from me and despite knowing this I continued with it. I recognise my own neediness now but at the time it was easy to "blame" my nice but rather dull husband.

How would you feel if your husband were texting someone every day, having intimate chats, looking at someone with lust in his eyes? He perhaps is. For every affair that is discovered there are many that aren't. Mine weren't.

Why have you reverted to the "we
must make it work" position? Do you feel you should or is it because needs must?

I have the same situation EllaBeth. Did you come through it? I'm still in contact with the another man but both have feelings aswell as been hugely attracted to each other.

Peace and harmony, did you get your marriage back to where it should be?

Hi Pie, no we didn't. We ended up splitting up a few years later.

What is stopping you leaving and being with each other?

You'd feel the same about the new one after 12 years. Picking up one man's dirty socks is the same whoever the man is.

He's denying it all to himself really to avoid confronting how he feels, both have kids so avoiding all the upset.

It's a tough one. it's very hard to get the feelings back when they have gone. You won't get them back while you have strong feelings for someone else though. Affairs whether physical or emotional are intoxicating whilst you are involved in them. One of mine was a man at work too. i ended it by leaving work in the end. Unfortunately I have a very destructive nature (or did when younger) and didn't learn from my lesson.

Yeh exactly and the obligation to try and make it work with DH. The other man doesn't live near me so that helps, we tried not to contact each other but drawn back to each other, both enjoying the interaction via texts.

You enjoy the interaction because it's exciting. It's the reason most people get drawn into affairs. It gives you what you are missing in your relationship. The distance convinces you that it's not perhaps as bad as a physical affair but it is the same.

What would your reaction be if your DH was doing the same? Would you be furious/jealous etc or apathetic?

Well we did meet up once, we both want to again but know it's wrong so trying to to ignore the fact we want to. If DH did I think id be surprised if anything but don't honestly think id be as angry or jealous as I should, that probably explains alot

It does unfortunately. Once you feel like that it's going to be hard to get it back. Continuing as you are though will guarantee it. Ideally you should break things off with the OM, both try to work on your relationships for 6 months and if both after that time still don't think your relationships will work then both do something about it.

You also have to bear in mind that he may not feel as strongly as you do. A lot of men in affair situations have zero intention of leaving their wife

It also seems men can handle the emotions better when they are having an affair and can pretend everything is ok at home where women struggle with the emotions

Yep although I was good at that too so it's not always the case. I came
from a very cold and unemotional family background though. Some men use both emotional affairs and physicals affairs for the buzz not to think they are going to live happily ever after.

Do you know there are 800,000 Uk members on a married dating website. That's a lot of people. 90% of them are men. I'm sure most were just curious but curious enough to sign up! I was on that site for a couple of days and when I registered I had over 600 messages in 24 hrs.

Blimey that's scary, the last couple of years have certainly opened my eyes and realised that a lot of couples whole look the perfect family could well be going through something like this.

Pieandchips - did you see my reply on the 9th at 23.03? That is kind of where I am now. I do feel in a better place but I'm very conscious of keeping on the right track and not getting overwhelmed by various emotions. This time last year I was on an absolute emotional rollercoaster with X. In my head, it was the most perfect coming together of two souls. I totally idealised it, and it wasn't long before the cracks started to show. All this was a total distraction from my actual marriage.

I asked my counsellor if I would still feel like this in 10 years. She said no, and time would give me a lot more perspective. We discussed all the positives in my marriage and my life, and with trying to work with what you have if you're in a relationship which is fundamentally a good one.

For various reasons, an actual relationship with X was out of the question. We just had - and still do - such a strong emotional attachment. I'm more conscious these days though of trying to move it from sitting directly in front of me to making it sit to the left of my life (my counsellor's words!)