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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner slept in bed with another woman

54 replies

Goodgonegirl · 08/06/2017 22:00

Don't even know how to explain this - apparently on a group night with work friends out my partner (we don't live together) walked home with a female colleague who fancies him, he let her in - they were very drunk, she came in with him, he thought she would sleep on sofa but she got into bed with him.

He was apparently too tired to argue so let her sleep in the bed. Nothing happened, or so he says. He didn't tell me this for six months.

Would you believe nothing happened? Could you continue the relationship? I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2017 22:48

He told you this, which may or may not even be true, because he wants you to break up with him. He's too much of a coward to do it himself.

PlaymobilPirate · 08/06/2017 22:52

A few years ago I was on a group walk8ng holiday. We were in shared rooms. One if the blokes got locked out if his room because his room mate was shagging someone.

We were asleep - he tapped on our door and asked if he could kip on the floor. I told him not to be daft - he could top and taul with me. There were 3 other women in the room with me. It was fine.

I have a dp, so does he. Totally innocent- not saying his definitely was but it's possible.

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2017 22:53

I guess something different. I guess he thinks you'll find out another way.

The thing is, after six years, if you're not bothered enough about each other to live together, then surely it's better to give it up?

How old are you now? Do you have children?

mydietstartsmonday · 08/06/2017 23:00

I have slept in a bed with a married man and I can assure you nothing happened. I was single at the time, young and attractive and missed the last train home so bunked in his hotel room. So I would take it at face value. Look him in the eye and ask him to tell you nothing happened.
You will know.

Original poster

Goodgonegirl · 08/06/2017 23:01

Imperial..that's true..mid 40's. My children are at uni now,, he has a teenage daughter. It feels like we could have been happy together, but feels like the time has now passed, if that makes sense?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2017 23:03

Yes, it does. I think if there's a lack of real passion, that moment can pass. (That lack could be on either or both sides.)

Maybe it's time for you to have a relationship with someone closer to home who doesn't let women who fancy him get into bed with him?

C0RAL · 08/06/2017 23:13

Can I just check - you lived in the same town for 4 1/2 years but just dated and didn't love together?

AlletrixLeStrange · 08/06/2017 23:17

My ex did this!
Although I do still to this day believe he was just a bit of an idiot who genuinely thought it was alright and nothing happened, it is the reason he is my ex. Cause that's not on.

LellyMcKelly · 08/06/2017 23:18

I wouldn't be surprised if he's telling you now because there's a baby on the way and he wants to get his side of the story in first in case it turns out to be not his.

siillygoose · 09/06/2017 01:53

I have slept in the same bed with a couple of male friends (I am a woman). Nothing happened. But I was 18-20. I would not do that pass certain age, I dont think it is appropriate.

AngelaTwerkel · 09/06/2017 05:10

I've also slept in the same bed as male friends, but I wouldn't bed share with someone who was attracted to me.

I think it's strange that he "sat you down to tell you" after all these months have gone by. I agree that you should steel yourself for the possibility that there's more to it.

OliviaStabler · 09/06/2017 05:42

I agree with a PP that he wants out but doesn't have the balls to do it himself.

Janeinthemiddle · 09/06/2017 06:33

My DH, then BF, shared the bed with his then exGF, while he was going out with me. Nothing happened and I believe him.

Deathraystare · 09/06/2017 07:24

Ask yourself, would he have been so understanding if a guy had 'slept' in your bed????!!!

flumpybear · 09/06/2017 07:34

This isn't great - I've actually slept in the as bed a blokes who were friends without doing anything too - two of whom I did fancy and one was not single, but like I say I didn't do anything and neither did they - well not then anyway but that's a different story and not related

GeekyWombat · 09/06/2017 07:54

Absolutely agree with PP that he's too gutless to end things and has told you this in the hope you will do it.

for you OP. You deserve better.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/06/2017 08:02

Why did he invite her in?

That's a statement and a half...

Neutrogena · 09/06/2017 09:29

Sh1t happens when drunk.
Sounds like you don't trust him. If you don't get rid.
If you do trust him, big girls pants and get over it.

UrsulaPandress · 09/06/2017 09:33

I've done it. Even with blokes who have fancied me. So it is possible.

Although the blokes did take some convincing that I did not want sex.

NellieFiveBellies · 09/06/2017 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caffeinestream · 09/06/2017 09:46

If nothing happened, why did he wait six months to tell you? Guilty conscience? Or is he worried she's going to tell you they had sex, and decided to get in first?

Sure, it could have been completely innocent, but tbh, the whole relationship sounds like a bit of a waste of time. Six years together, you moved away from him and he's not interested in moving in together or anything?

Don't waste anymore time on him, regardless of whether he's telling the truth or not.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 09/06/2017 11:13

Nellie is right, what is the benefit in him telling you this to you and choosing right now to do it?
He is not telling you for your benefit, or he would have done so at the time,
Nor is it realky apparently to assuage building guilt, because he claims he has nothing to feel guilty of..
Why give this type of potentially break up information out now, when logically it looks like he can only loose by doing so?

TatianaLarina · 09/06/2017 11:21

He's telling you now because he wants you to end it.

His heart is obviously not in your relationship and it sounds like he's tired of the long distance thing.

Teddy6767 · 09/06/2017 11:24

Even if nothing happened I'd still be extremely annoyed as it's completely wrong and disrespectful towards you. Did she sleep fully clothed? And if she fancies him then chances are she was probably being flirtatious and trying to cuddle up, especially if they were both really drunk. I'd probably end the relationship but I have zero tolerance for things like that

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/06/2017 11:37

He is hoping that you will take the pressure off him, and dump him.
This is why he has told you.
Time to move on OP, you are young, go and enjoy yourself, without the burden of this long distance romance, it has run its course.

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