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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Split Advice

33 replies

WillsF · 08/06/2017 09:40

Hi everyone,

Needing urgent advice please. I have recently split with my partner of many years, we were not married and sadly have no children as I have lost our three babies. We lived together for a fraction of our relationship and the house is in my name although we bought it as 'our home'. I will not go in to the reasons behind our split as that may not be relevant at this stage although it was my decision based on his actions. He is leaving the home but would like financial compensation. I am struggling to make ends meet but am working hard to give him something. My lawyer has said he is entitled to nothing although he feels he should get £3
0,000. He will settle for £15,000 however. I'm trying all I can to get this money for him but my lawyer has said this is the wrong thing to do especially as it is likely to put me in a financially vulnerable position and he is not entitled to this despite his claims. I am at a loss what to do, I would like to do the right thing and help him out however I do not want to be taken for a fool and ruined. Has anyone else ever experienced this or have any useful advice at this stage?
Thank you

Wills

OP posts:
Isthereanyusernamesleft · 08/06/2017 09:43

You need to put yourself first & give him nothing. It's your house.

He can't ask for financial compensation, he's entitled to nothing. Whatever he did contribute it was effectively rent.

I know you want to do the right thing but I personally wouldn't give him a penny. You aren't selling your house so why should he be allowed to hold his hand out??

Did he help with a deposit on the house??

Holdingonbarely · 08/06/2017 09:48

I think you need to take the advice of your lawyer. He knows all the facts, which we don't.
Sure if you were rich it might be a nice gesture unless he did something really shitty to you.
But you're not.
Tell him to jump

Original poster
WillsF · 08/06/2017 09:48

Thanks 'isthereanyusernamesleft'

I'm really appreciative of any advice i can get here, part of the demise of our relationship has been down to me being a bit of a doormat and I'm aware all my friends are too protective of me to be objective!
He gave nothing towards the deposit it was my money, that was part of the reason for putting the house in my name

Wills x

OP posts:
Original poster
WillsF · 08/06/2017 09:50

Thanks holdingonbarely

If only I were rich :)

He has been told by his lawyer he is entitled to nothing however he and his family still seem certain that I am being cruel by 'leaving him with nothing' and I have to say I do feel guilty :(
Nice to get others perspectives however, it is helping tons

OP posts:
TheHobbitMum · 08/06/2017 09:55

Listen to your lawyer, put yourself first. Give him. Nothing and move on from him :) you aren't doing anything wrong and you should try not to think of his ridiculous claim to money

Original poster
WillsF · 08/06/2017 09:56

Thanks HobbitMum :)

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 08/06/2017 10:10

Listen to your lawyer.

Don't pay him anything. He wouldn't pay you anything in the reverse situation.

Original poster
WillsF · 08/06/2017 10:21

Thanks Sandboy, I actually had not thought about it in the reverse perspective!?

OP posts:
Ditsy1980 · 08/06/2017 10:22

Listen to your lawyer.
Do not let him and his family coerce you / wear you down into giving him this money. You are not leaving him with nothing, he put nothing in. You put nothing in you get nothing back.

hiddenmnetter · 08/06/2017 10:33

If you bought it with your money and in your name why should he have some of it? If it was a joint purchase that would be different but that's the point of having lawyers do your conveyancing. To establish precisely who owns what. If you own it he doesn't get anything. If he wants spousal maintenance then ask yourself: what has he given up for you that you should then support him for?

My BIL tried to do this to my sister. She had supported him his whole career being for most of their marriage the only breadwinner. Why on earth he believed he was entitled to money despite their being no children and him having lost none of his career potential for her was beyond me...

Listen to your lawyer. It's not a question of "doing the right thing". It's a question of "do you want to give him money?" You owe him nothing, there is no basis for him to claim money. The house is yours. If you want to give him money to make him go away that's one thing. Don't think your paying him something he owes- be very clear on it. If you give him money make sure you know WHY you're giving it to him. If you give him money to make him go away get a lawyer to draw up documents that specify he is unentitled to claim anything else after the fact.

You owe him nothing. You MIGHT want to buy peace from him, but you don't owe him a penny.

FinallyHere · 08/06/2017 10:42

This Is exactly why we sometimes need advice from lawyers and to pay for that advice. Please listen to the advice from the lawyer. So long as you have told the lawyer the facts correctly, then their advice will be correct. Do not let anyone try and pressure or guilt you into paying the ex to go away.

All the very best for you.

FinallyHere · 08/06/2017 10:43

Oh, and remember that if they decide you are a soft touch, who will pay out money for no reason, you may find that you never get rid of them.

Original poster
WillsF · 08/06/2017 10:54

Thanks everyone, you have hit the nail on the head hiddenmnetter I am confused as to why he so vehemently believes he is entitled and I am i guess stopping my guilt but that may be fool hardy and yes FinallyHere I am worried that by doing the 'nice' thing I may then be a target for further pay outs and my lawyer did say it could be taken as an admission I do owe him something, although i'd like to think he would not do that...naive perhaps?

Wills

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 08/06/2017 11:31

I think if he was paying all the mortgage or similar, in lieu of contributing to the deposit, then he might have some sort of moral claim, but it doesn't sound like you've been living there long and if there's no legal basis for it then listen to your solicitor.

I guess I can understand his concerns if he has to now find a deposit etc, but that's the position many unmarried people find themselves in when a relationship ends. It is hard. There are plenty of threads opened on MN where women are faced with exactly his situation, and often with kids in tow.

Original poster
WillsF · 08/06/2017 11:43

Thanks ChangedName, I guess it is the moral claim i'm wrestling with, he has paid toward the mortgage but we have always split this equally (admittedly despite me earning slightly more). I guess i'm in the same situation a lot of people find themselves in where there is a lot of hurt, anger and fond feelings and i'm ultimately trying to do the right thing for us both

OP posts:
Racmactac · 08/06/2017 11:56

He's not entitled to a penny so tell him where to go.
Stop listening to him and his family and listen to the professional that you have paid for advice or what was the point

hellsbellsmelons · 08/06/2017 12:03

i'm ultimately trying to do the right thing for us both
No no no no.
It's YOU now.
There is no US!
Think about you.
He's a feckin' chancer! So are his family.
Block, ignore and delete from now on.
From every thing!
Social media, phone, emails, messaging apps.
Get your lawyer to send a letter outlining the fact that he is NOT entitled to a thing.
You owe this gold-digging asshole absolutely nothing.
Ensure that is exactly what he gets!

FinallyHere · 08/06/2017 13:03

But if you didn't own a house, you would have been paying rent between you, so its all good.

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2017 13:10

He would have had to pay rent otherwise, wouldn't he? How much rent was he paying before he moved in and how much did he give you towards the mortgage?

You have paid for a lawyer to give you good advice. You've been given the same advice that your ex's lawyer has given to him. You owe him nothing.

You lived together "for a fraction" of your relationship - how long was that?

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2017 13:11

And you split because of his actions - even less reason to give him a penny.

HmmOkay · 08/06/2017 13:27

Listen to your lawyer.

He's not left the home yet?

That makes it tricky. I'd be trying to think of ways to get him out first. His family sound very supportive of him so I'd be suggesting that he moves in with them. As it is your house alone then you can always just change the locks if it comes to that but see if he will go willingly first.

Once he is out, it will be a lot easier.

Categoric · 09/06/2017 11:46

Please don't pay him a penny. Your lawyer will have given you good advice. If it were me, then I would set a date for him leaving and explain that you will change the locks on that date.

MoreProseccoNow · 09/06/2017 15:23

It's hard to comment without knowing purchase price & how much you each contributed to the deposit, how long you lived there etc.

Legally you may not owe him anything, but morally......then again, if he cheated, sod him!

Cricrichan · 09/06/2017 19:16

It depends.

Legally he's entitled to nothing .

However, if he's contributed to the mortgage fairly then out of goodwill I'd feel obliged to give him some of the increase in value of the property. BUT it depends on the reason why you split up. If it's because of him being unfaithful or a cocklodger then I wouldn't give him a penny, but if it's just because you grew apart then maybe give him a fair share of the increase in value of the property (minus costs incurred by you).

But if

whatsmyname2017 · 09/06/2017 19:23

Hi OP. I have a similar exP. We have just separated and the house is currently under offer. He has moved out. There is no equity in the house so we both walk away with nothing. Although its in both our names, my parents loaned us the deposit, he put NOTHING in at all. Because its my decision to split he seems to think he's entitled to some sort of compensation. He listed all the things he bought for the house at one point!