Really feel that this could be the end of the road for my marriage.

[NotAHa]

Have nMechanged as people who know me irl may recognise me.

Been with dh nearly 20 years. Have a 17yo dc.

I was early 20s when we got together, dh 15 years older than me. Quite a whirlwind romance and I was fairly quickly pregnant and then married.

For the last 15years dh has pretty much lived As a single person. As in he never, ever wants to do anything with me. He hasn't come on holiday with me and dd since she was 2yo. No days out, trips away.

I've had to do everything on my own with Dd, holidays, going to the zoo, etc. He says it's boring. He has a hobby which takes up all weekends in the spring, summer, early autumn.

If the weather is too bad for his hobby he sits on his computer and ignores me.

He never takes me out, we don't go to the cinema, dinner, nothing.

As Dd has got older it's got easier for me. She's off with her friends and I have got my own friends, interests, become increasingly independent. Been fairly happy. Dh earns a decent wage and I guess one reason I stayed is the thought of splitting up from a financial POV doesn't appeal. Easier to stay, comfortable, I get on with my own stuff.

Dh always has a few holidays every year with friends, all to do with this hobby/sport. It's not cycling btw!

He earns 3x. More than I do and can afford holidays. Although he pays the bills he keeps his money separate and me and Dd. Had to have camping holidays as that's all I could afford even though his holidays are all abroad.

He went on holiday last month with a friend and forgot to tell me! I was furious. Went for a week. Then last weekend I reminded him I was out one day this week and he said he wouldn't be here as he was going on holiday again the following day! I'm furious.

In the past I think I would have been furious but just carried on, thinking he's a wanker, etc but not rocking the boat.

I always thought no point in splitting up as I have no interest in trying to find love elsewhere........

However I've kind of met someone. Nothing has happened. But there is a spark and I think it's very mutual. He's friend requested me on fb and he's just lovely.

I don't want to have an affair. But now it's like I've woken up to the possibility that actually maybe there is hope that I could have a normal/decent relationship with someone. But if it wasn't for the thought of that I would put up with dh. So now I don't know what to do. Dh is still away. Do I tell him when he gets back I've had enough? This thing with this other guy may come to nothing.......and then I could be alone and skint. Whereas I may be. Alone now but don't have money worries.

We would have to sell the house and I would get about 70k as my half of the equity......which is nothing! Plus I have a decent final salary pension scheme and dh doesn't have a pension and I'm worried he could take half of it.

Companionship?

He basically ignores her 247.

It sounds like a very sad lonely live. You ineffect been a single parent but with a waste of space father and husband. I would ditch the dead weight he brings nothing to the table and your dd will thank you for it. Show her what a normal healthily relationship is not some cold hearted bastard.

I also knew a lovely lady who's husband was like this, ignored his wife and DD who were lovely. The moment his dd went to uni he split with his DW and moved his mistress into their home complete arsehole that been said the whole of his side of the family had form for screwing former partners over.

Make your decisions after meeting with a divorce lawyer. You need to make some savvy financial decisions but you can't do that tilll you have more information. While he's away get proof of his finances and see what you would end up with.

Personally I think you would be happier split, poorer but happier

Adora - I mentioned 'romantic' love as a reaction to the post by someone saying that the OP is only staying b/c of money....

All I meant was that there are different kinds of arrangements and marriages. And people are free to make their own choices.

Having a comfortable life and having a lot of independence - friends and things to do on her own - while still having a companion of sorts at home - that is a choice.
I don't like when people judge others based on some idealistic view of love and life....

However, if you are unhappy, OP - than it's time to make changes.

Why are you still with this man?
Do you get companionship from him? No.
Share interests, hobbies, outings? No.
Physically intimate? No
Share parenting? No.
Holiday together? No.
Communicate with each other? No.
Share finances equally? No.

Doesn't really sound like the best recipe for a marriage. It's more like you are passing ships in the night who just happen to live under the same roof. Housemates, not husband and wife.

It wouldn't be enough for me. But I would want to extricate myself from this 'relationship' before contemplating anything new.

OP I definitely think the best thing to do is to go and see a solicitor before you do anything else. You are assuming you can't afford to live on your own, yet you had accumulated rather a large sum to buy your house. Surely when you sell the house you will have a nice tidy lump sum to buy somewhere a lot smaller. Sorry if I have got this wrong but you sound like you would be better off than most.
I am currently selling my house after separation and will get a massive ZERO equity from it so having to start from scratch with 2 young DC. It can be done.

Josuk, fair enough but your example holds no water in this thread; the man ignores her and has done all of their relationship, that's not the same as being with someone as a companion, it's quite the opposite.

What a waste of 17 years, and your poor daughter being brought up in a home where her parents hate each other.

Seriously, just leave. I would rather be broke than live such a miserable life.

So if it wasn't just for money, why have you stayed with him? And was it really worth it? I can't believe what some people put up with and subject their children to. He sounds awful, but you've done nothing to put the situation right. Your poor DD.

The op stayed in an emotionally abusive relationships because unfortunately that's what lots of women do. Not sure why she is getting so much shit. And the gold digging comments 🤔

I understand, op. I really do. and i'm not inspirational. but what is helping me is what someone said to me recently 'what would you want your daughter to do if she were in this situation?' it gives me strength and focus

Painting that is sort of inspirational; it will definitely help me to focus. I once confronted DH with his behaviour after he'd given a barrage of verbal abuse and said "would you want our DDs to be shouted at like that when they are married?!" This is what he spat back at me (wait for it, this is good):

"I should hope you will teach our them how to look after their husbands properly so it won't be necessary!"

(excuse random our)

BTW maybe those posters who are being critical - and anyone else interested - would benefit from this recent thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2906263-why-do-people-stay?msgid=68438032#68438032

Sorry to hear your marriage is so rubbish. Just to add my tuppence worth, firstly don't be scared about being alone, you mention this a few times but you're emotionally alone already in your marriage.

Secondly have you spoken to him about being unhappy? He seems very selfish, so does he realise that you want more from the marriage? I would ask him if he'd consider counselling before walking out on him. He may also be missing having a relationship but not emotionally intelligent enough to do anything. Unlikely I know, but I'd give him one chance to realise how he's messed up. Good luck!

thats a great thread, StaplesCorner, sad but so many posts rang true.
how horrible of your h to say that!

Distance - you do realise that marriage for 'romantic' love is a fairly recent construct - and people marry and stay together for a whole host of reasons.

Yes. Women's rights is also a fairly recent construct. Or the idea that children and non-white people have rights. Not all constructs are equal. And yes, getting married because you actually love and fancy the other person is the best option, in my view.

From a psychological point of view, seeing that your parents can't stand each other fucks you up, to a greater or lesser degree. And the fact that many, many people find themselves in this situation doesn't make it normal or good.

I am so sorry for you. I understand how he has worn you down in a way. But you were an independent lady and you are still that person. You have just lost confidence. So crack on! Go looking for information. If he's away so much you have plenty of time to do this. My mother left my dad when I was 14. She was a selfish woman who had lots of affairs openly. Me and my 2 sisters lived with dad. It was fantastic when she had gone! I asked him why he put up with it and he said for our sake! I told him that I wished she'd gone years before. Why not treat your daughter like an adult now and tell her your plans. She might be praying for you to separate and she'd be an ally. I was happy dad confided in me at 14 and I told him later that if she hadn't gone I wouldn't have come back from university. We were much much happier. Money was tighter but I look back on those days with a lot of nostalgia. Oh do it! Do it! You won't regret it.

I've read your drip-feeds with an increasing sense of sympathy... for your daughter, OP - not, most certainly and definitely not, you.

My parents were like you and your husband. My father refused to go on days out, shut himself away when he was at home, worked extremely long hours and had to go away an awful lot with work. He also had a hobby that took him on holidays abroad during my childhood/teen years. My mother, meanwhile, is cold, devoid of any empathatic feelings to any of her children, and is obsessed with money and social status. In fact... if I weren't a damned site older than 17, I'd be wondering if you were my mother, from the tone of your posts. Both of my parents have admitted to affairs - I know of at least four that my father's had, and my mother took a great delight in telling me about two that she'd had when I was a young child, when I was 14 years old. Neither of them know that the other has cheated.

Consider yourself lucky that you know about your daughter's two suicide attempts - because, to this day, mine don't know about the times I tried to take my own life. Your daughter needs you to be her mother right now, to help her, to get help for her... to remind her that she is the most important "thing" in the world to you - not money and some infatuated flirtation you have going on, because you want your husband to sit up and pay attention to you. Be a mother, OP, not a money-grasping cold fish.

Because of my parents and their shining example of how to behave in a marriage, my two brothers and I have floundered. DB1 is married, to a woman considerably younger than him, who "accidentally" got pregnant because my brother refused point blank to be a parent - because, or so he's told me, he didn't want to repeat any of the patterns of parental behaviour which our mother and father taught us (my nephew, by the way, is adored and cherished and my brother is a fantastic - if slightly unwilling - and very involved Dad!). DB2 is on his second marriage, has a son whose childhood he consequently missed out on and is only now starting to get to know, as an adult, and has a wife who reminds me an awful lot of our mother (DB2, incidentally, is 10 years older than me and very much the golden child!). And then there's me... I have one child who has severe mental health problems, and who is desperate for her grandparents approval over mine. I have another child whose grandparents can't stand to be around because he reminds them of me. And I cannot trust anyone enough to be in a relationship with because - according to my many, many psychologists and therapists over the years - because if my parents can cheat on one another, then so can whoever I'd end up with. Actually my ex did cheat, but that's not relevant.

Do you see those sentences above about my many psychologists and therapists over the years?

That's a possible future for your child, I'm afrad OP, if you don't start to make sensible, rational decisions about your marriage and her home life. She is under an ridiculous amount of pressure from all sides - and all you seem to care about is how you won't get much money from your husband if you leave him, so you'd better stay so that you won't be poor and viewed badly in your social circle. Except I suspect that you already are whispered about behind your back, because of the diabolical money grasping cold fish attitude that you seem to have. I know my mother was. I know my daughter is (which breaks my heart) because she has the same attitude towards money and prestige that you appear to.

Think about what you're teaching your daughter. Think about how unhappy and miserable she is - her ignoring your husband's texts? Probably because she is rightly trying to focus on clawing a future for herself out of this mess which you have both created around yourselves and sunk her into the middle of!

Oh, and one last thing... because of how our parents are, my brothers went NC with them years ago and, following their horrendous behaviour towards my children last year? I barely have anything to do with them and am working towards NC, too. They have grandsons they've never met, a great-granddaughter whom they don't even know about.

Is that the future which you want for yourself...?

OP you can negotiate help with DD uni fees as part of the settlement, the CMS amount is not a given and people do negotiate other stuff.

His savings are marital assets and should be considered in the split too.

I'm really confused. Many women stay in a loveless marriage as they can't afford to leave or would be worse off. I'm only able to think about leaving now as I reckon I might be able to get benefits to top up my income, but my DDs have often said they don't want to lose this house or their rooms etc., home is very important to them. My husband is an arsehole, yes he comes on holiday and days out with us, or rather he has done previously, but he spoils everything he attends.

So how is this OP any different to the many hundreds of others that post each year on Mumsnet about wanting to leave their husband?

I really think you need to stop and take stock of how you ended up here. Forget the new man, forget your DP. What about you? How did a financially independent, capable woman end up accepting what you have accepted? You have no relationship, just and arrangement of convenience, you have a daughter who is struggling and estranged from her father, you have chosen this to your own massive disadvantage. You need to understand how you got here, or you will continue to make decisions that are not in the best interests of you and your daughter. I say this not to hurt, but having had a bright, capable, intelligent sister sacrifice all her potential to support her husband and children only to be totally screwed over by him, leaving her high and dry, she has only got herself back on track, once she figured out how she meekly accepted being left up shit creek without a paddle.