Really feel that this could be the end of the road for my marriage.

[NotAHa]

Have nMechanged as people who know me irl may recognise me.

Been with dh nearly 20 years. Have a 17yo dc.

I was early 20s when we got together, dh 15 years older than me. Quite a whirlwind romance and I was fairly quickly pregnant and then married.

For the last 15years dh has pretty much lived As a single person. As in he never, ever wants to do anything with me. He hasn't come on holiday with me and dd since she was 2yo. No days out, trips away.

I've had to do everything on my own with Dd, holidays, going to the zoo, etc. He says it's boring. He has a hobby which takes up all weekends in the spring, summer, early autumn.

If the weather is too bad for his hobby he sits on his computer and ignores me.

He never takes me out, we don't go to the cinema, dinner, nothing.

As Dd has got older it's got easier for me. She's off with her friends and I have got my own friends, interests, become increasingly independent. Been fairly happy. Dh earns a decent wage and I guess one reason I stayed is the thought of splitting up from a financial POV doesn't appeal. Easier to stay, comfortable, I get on with my own stuff.

Dh always has a few holidays every year with friends, all to do with this hobby/sport. It's not cycling btw!

He earns 3x. More than I do and can afford holidays. Although he pays the bills he keeps his money separate and me and Dd. Had to have camping holidays as that's all I could afford even though his holidays are all abroad.

He went on holiday last month with a friend and forgot to tell me! I was furious. Went for a week. Then last weekend I reminded him I was out one day this week and he said he wouldn't be here as he was going on holiday again the following day! I'm furious.

In the past I think I would have been furious but just carried on, thinking he's a wanker, etc but not rocking the boat.

I always thought no point in splitting up as I have no interest in trying to find love elsewhere........

However I've kind of met someone. Nothing has happened. But there is a spark and I think it's very mutual. He's friend requested me on fb and he's just lovely.

I don't want to have an affair. But now it's like I've woken up to the possibility that actually maybe there is hope that I could have a normal/decent relationship with someone. But if it wasn't for the thought of that I would put up with dh. So now I don't know what to do. Dh is still away. Do I tell him when he gets back I've had enough? This thing with this other guy may come to nothing.......and then I could be alone and skint. Whereas I may be. Alone now but don't have money worries.

We would have to sell the house and I would get about 70k as my half of the equity......which is nothing! Plus I have a decent final salary pension scheme and dh doesn't have a pension and I'm worried he could take half of it.

unfortunately you are going to face financial uncertainty if you divorce. if he has savings, he has to declare them, but equally he could spend them first. I see your point and understand about your dd. she might not be bothered though, and prefer to see you happy, or you could wait a few more years and gather money/look for proof of his savings? you would only need a one bed flat then. or you could stay but start dating (do you think he is living a sexless life as well?)

If I stayed and started dating I would be scared what he would do if he found out.

Years ago someone in our village had an affair and the dh found out and gave the wife a total beating. Dh said if he ever caught me cheating he would do the same. He's never been violent to me. And I'm not 100% sure he meant it. But he seemed serious.

To be honest I haven't spoken to him in ages about it. I've tried in the past and it's made no difference.

He knows he's crossed a line now. He rang up last night and I told him I didn't know if I would ever forgive him for this and put the phone down on him. He's been texting Dd since asking if we're ok and she's ignoring him. I haven't even told her I'm mad with him. She's actually not quite 17. Is in year 11 and in the middle of her GCSEs. Which is what has pissed me off the most about this week away. Dd is stressed out her mind and taking it out on me and he's left me to deal with it all in my own while I still have to go to work. My boss is on leave this week which means I have to travel for work more to sites further away so stressful week for me anyway while trying to juggle Dds emotional health. She's had two suicide attempts this year.

Your dd has had two suicide attempts and you are worried about yourself and thinking about an affair?!! Man alive! Do you think your priorities are a bit skewed? Why is she so unhappy? Do you think now is a time to rock the boat?

What job do you do? Lots of people manage on one income, why wouldn't you?
Could you move to a cheaper area? Move to an area where dd could commute to university? Again, lots of teenagers go to university without £6000 a year from their parents.
Since you were early 20s when you met him you've never really had to fend for yourself so I can see why you are nervous but lots of women do it. We do it because we have no choice, it's hard but at least we aren't beholden to selfish, nasty men who treat us like skivvies.

She was getting bullied at school. She starts a new school in sept and is now a lot happier and positive.

you might find your lives improve once this unspoken tension (ie your rel with your h) has gone. your dd doesnt seem to get on well with her dad, maybe she would be relieved.
I understand why you stay. I did this for years too. but we have joint finances so my life really is more comfortable. without that, you are just talking mortgage and bills. get a lodger!
if you get financial advice, its possible you will get the house until your dd is a bit older, when you could downsize anyway

dd will be better off in terms of uni finance if you split.

What if he's just waiting until your dd starts uni and then he leaves?
That's exactly what one of my friends dad's did when her and her twin left for uni. He knew he'd have a lot to pay in maintenance and his wife would probably get a better deal, she'd always been a sahm. He ended up staying in the family home and moving his 20 something girlfriend in, within weeks of his wife moving out! Fortunately for my friend uni money had been put into accounts for them from being young, her dads given her no other help at all.

The most important thing is to have a calm house while DD finishes her exams so bide your time. Use the time whilst he's away to have a good snoop for bank statements etc. so that you have an idea of what he has in the bank. Has he made investments in shares or savings plans, etc. Start considering what assets there are in your home that might be worth selling.
Talk with DD after exams and ask her opinion about any thoughts and plans you have in mind.
Are you parents alive? Could you live with them for a while?

I am sure that you will manage financially. I think you should go for it.

What marriage?

Did it never cross your mind that being brought up by parents who clearly don't love each other and ignore each other (to put it mildly) was going to harm your daughter? Really?

In a very real sense, you have prostituted yourself. You have sold yourself for money.

What a helpful,post, thanks for that insight.

Did you miss the post where I pointed out I'd have been £600 better off over the last 15 years if I had divorced him? That I have no access to his money?

I actually bought my first house at 21yo on my own and paid the mortgage off just before marrying him. He's screwed me finanically, so I don't see how you get that I'm a prostitute. I'd have been far better off if I had never married him, let him move in to my house. I'd have paid the mortgage off by now and have been secure.

you are still young enough to start over. every year, you will be in a worse financial situation and possibly giving up half of another year of your pension. is the house in both names? can you find out what savings he has anyhow? legal advice would be a good first step

This is not a marriage, it's not even a relationship, it's a marriage of convenience and how that is enough for you is beyond me, he's lived the life of riley whilst you have done all the leg work, how can you eve like him, he has no interest in you or his child but you are hanging on cos he earns good money, jesus Christ, is that all that matters to you?

Sounds like you are going to stay and have your bit on the side, good luck, having said that, I doubt he considers you when it comes fidelity either as he gives you and your child zero consideration.

I could not live like this, comfortable life or not.

I was thinking for a moment I was reading AIBU! OP maybe posters in the evenings are more sympathetic, or maybe its me as I am in a very similar situation and if I wasn't ashamed of staying for nearly 30 years before (I was) then I would be now!

Difference is I am 55 and DH already retired so lots of pension issues, we used his retirement money to pay off a huge debt.

I am worried about the arse wiping thing, he talks a lot about being "cared for" and already has some big health issues. And my eldest DD is also doing GCSEs but she switched off from him years ago. This week I have finally said to myself this is it, it can't go on and am looking at solicitors, I am thinking that I could carry on in our house until youngest is 18, mortgage is fairly low (I work part time and can't get a mortgage at my age) and he could get a flat then I wouldn't ask him for maintenance. That is if he doesn't kill one of us when I tell him, and yes I do mean that literally.

You need to start googling. Your DD will thank you for it. I reckon if I stayed with my husband then eventually the kids wouldn't want to know me or even visit us, certainly wouldn't want grandchildren to . I am fairly upbeat at the moment, starting to plan etc., but its going to get very difficult very soon.

From your OP:

Dh earns a decent wage and I guess one reason I stayed is the thought of splitting up from a financial POV doesn't appeal. Easier to stay, comfortable, I get on with my own stuff.

You have stayed married for purely financial considerations.

One reason. So no, not purely.

And finances is one reason I stay now. Like I say for the next two years I would be better off if we were apart. So if you think I've stayed purely for money then why didn't I leave ten years ago?

Walking out on a marriage is scary for numerous reasons, especially when dc are involved.....it will be easier now Dd is older.

And even if you believe it.....why be nasty enough to say it? Is it helpful, is it kind? No, it's fucking bitchy.

That's how you are coming across OP, you don't actually have a marriage, well you do, but it sounds like from both your pov's, it's based on convenience.

You have only one life; surely if you split you'd be entitled to half of what he has; or maybe you are happy enough to carry on as you are, if, so, why post? I think you are losing out on being with someone that is kind, considerate and does want to have a relationship with you. And don't have an affair regardless, it will make you feel crap.

Good luck Staples. Am sorry you're in a similar situation.....you sound like you have a good plan though.

Distance - you do realise that marriage for 'romantic' love is a fairly recent construct - and people marry and stay together for a whole host of reasons.
Companionship, having and raising children, social position, support of all kinds (emotional, etc), someone to talk to in the old age, etc.
Divorce is stressful, no matter how amicable it is.

We don't know the OP, don't know what's in her heart/head.

Are judgements really necessary????!!!

As the the marriage based on 'romantic love' - how many of these marriages crush and burn vs how many actually survive?
There is a reason why fairy tales end with the weddings - and we don't see the prince/princess in 10years arguing about lifting up the toilet seat and unloading dishwasher...

As to the OP - I'd be smart - go see the solicitor first. Get your ducks in order.
Figure out if you want to leave irrespective of that other man.
If the answer is yes - go for it.

If the answer hinges on that specific guy - well - I'd say - explore that first.... In whatever way makes your comfortable. Your life, your choices.
(I realise that here on MN it's an anathema to say that)
But - I do truly that people are free to make their own choices. Stay, go, love it not.

Romantic love?

Why on earth would you stay in a relationship when the man makes it perfectly clear that he will not spend a minute of his time with you, if you think that's ok for some then fine, I would think it hard to find any woman who would be prepared to put up with this level of ignoring.