Anyone else want to shove a rocket up laid back husband's ass?

[totheseaside]

" Your husband is so laid back, if I was married to him, he would have a real calming effect on me."

"You're so lucky, he's so laid back."

"What a lovely laid back man he is."

"He's hilarious your husband. A real laid back character. So laid back, he's comical."

" I wish I had someone like him."

Genuinely fed up of my husband's fan base, largely made up of my own friends. To live with, it's draining. No decisions get made, no plans get sorted, no problems faced. It all ends up on my shoulders.

I found it calming until DCS came along and I now just want to shove a rocket up his arse. I get no support whatsoever when life is chaotic, I would go so far as to say DH is very apathetic and doesn't appear to care about much at all. He's even laid back when he's crossing the road and I've had to speak to him about dawdling leisurely infront of cars with DC in the pushchair.
Friends love him.
I can't take much more.
just looking for kind friends who can empathise/tell a tale of their own experineces with laid back.men.

Is he laid back about everything ? does he get to work on time and meet deadlines? Does he buy tickets to events he wants to go to or arrange to meet up with his mates?

Probably not what you want to hear but I finished with my laid-back boyfriend just this weekend, largely because of this. I thought at first he was great because, like you, he was a great calming influence, but it ended up driving me bloody mad. No initiative, no decision making, no action, not pro-active in the least....I tired of it pretty quickly, I'm afraid!

What sort of job does he do? I must admit it would drive me bloody crazy.

Mostly gets to work on time but always meets deadlines. Last minute chaos works for him apparently.

Has he always has someone in his life he can rely on? Has he ever had to really really rely on himself to make something happen?
Is he the kind of guy who would be happy with things just not happening?

I identify, ime it's because there's always been someone there for him to ask for help and he's actually genuinely not bothered if things don't happen. Being with me creates a busy life for him, one that he loves, but one that allows him then to be happy not putting anymore effort into things because there's already enough going on. If it weren't for me I suspect he would actually feel quite lonely and wouldn't be happy. He really appreciates me, but because he's never taken on the responsibility for thinking about things, it's also never struck him how much work it can be and how much of a burden it is.

He's a manager!! A chaotic one. But again, everyone seems to love him for it. He's very helpful, but usually because he doesn't prioritise so he would happily drop everything to help someone with something when he's up to the eyeballs himself then work all night, not sleep and we have to fave the consequences then. It's very hard work and draining for me.

There are levels though... I love DH very much and would never leave him over anything around this. He doesn't take me for granted he's just laid back.
My ex however, i did leave for this very reason. It was painful, blood out of a stone type stuff on a daily basis. Everything took forever. I'm a real doer though, I'm quite impatient and I don't like to think of a day or moment wasted.

He was slow and it was laborious on the big things and the little things. I left him because of the big things, it was only ever me moving us along in life. My DH is the opposite, the little things can be frustrating but he gets the big things right every time.

Would you say it's the big things as well as the little ones for you guys? Any examples?

I would say both big and little.
I find the lack of communication the most frustrating thing of all. Planning our finances, planning a schedule for renovating our property. Everything just passes him by, unless I address it and then if it's too much hard work, he just seems to resist my efforts and makes it difficult for me to plan or organise, throwing obstacles in my way. Then I become the aggressive one out of frustration and he's still lovely and laid back and deserves to be treated better. And I then feel guilty.

It's that whole "Mindwork" thing, isn't it? It's been on my mind a lot recently - DH does well in a challenging job but cannot hold a single fucking thought outside of work. The glass is always half full, even when it's clearly empty, everything will always be fine (yes, because I make it so), he paddles along in his own happy chilled world but, after 6 months, still hasn't called the man fixing some chairs to see if he's actually fixed them (yes, that's a tip of the iceberg thing).
But then again sometimes when I'm stressy and anxious his zen-like calm is what I need. So it's swings and roundabouts.

I've found my people . hassled I know exactly what you mean!

OP what does he say when you try to talk about how you feel?

Zen-like calm sounds positive atleast! I think.it used to have the same affect on me, but now I just find it apathetic. He doesn't seem to care about a single thing.

The mind-work is the issue for sure.
I.wouldn't mind if he could acknowledge that I do it or at least just pay attention when I do. I'm sure he thinks that family life ticks along easily by itself.

Fruit box: he rarely reponds
Just looks at me dazed as if I'm speaking a foreign language!

*or scratches his arse whilst continuing to flick through TV channels! 😤😂

Very difficult to undo that damage, what do you want?

So you're married to a man who is really popular, and who loves to help people. Always meets deadlines. He's not controlling. Or abusive. He's funny. And your friends think you are lucky

It sounds to me like a marriage of opposites, which I think are the best ones, although sometimes difficult to handle

I'm a rather dull control freak married to a butterfly who everyone else thinks is so entertaining. And they love her stories (but she's exaggerating, I want to say, she's making it up)

I've learned to accept and enjoy the differences. You only have to read most of the other threads here to see that you could be looking at your situation from the wrong angle

I don't think you are lucky. I think he's a passive aggressive arse.

If he can hold down a good job and meet dead lines at work then he's perfectly capable of doing so at home. It's just he can't be bothered and knows that if he acts daft for long enough, you will do it for him.

You can spot the partners of PA men because they are always 'unreasonably' angry. Outsiders think the woman is too stressed and uptight and the man is a great guy.

Google " passive aggressive husband " and see if you recognise anything.

I think you sound like opposites.

Neither of you are wrong, just different. Did you expect to change him?

Why should he do the boring stuff when you do it for him?

Sounds like me and my dh. He drives me mad. No planning, everything last moment, ask him what he's doing tomorrow at 11:59pm and he 'hasn't thought that far ahead!'

Yet he's in a very good management position at work, had yet another promotion and is very highly thought of.

This is because he lets others shine by not micromanaging, it brings out the best in people as they step up, there's nobody better in a crisis. Because he's naturally chaotic and last minute, nothing phases him and his problem solving skills are remarkable.

I hate it though, I'm organised and a planner which means we really don't have many problems and I get anxious when things are left to chance because I do get stressed as I don't seem to have the luck he does. But then it can't all be luck, there's something in his approach that life favours.

We've both tried to see it from each other's POV. My answer is to step back and ensure I'm reasponsible for the things most important to me and his tasks are the ones that aren't and that I'm not reliant on him doing before I can do the next step. That works best for both of us.

My DH is the same in some respects too. I can pop out having asked him to do something and two hours later.... nothing. He then mutters that I "haven't bothered" to get paint shade cards so we can decorate the house - but if I suggest he does it he is "too busy". He isn't laid back all the time though and has quite a short fuse if things aren't quite so, so I think I'd rather a totally laid back husband at times!

I should just add, my dh never says he's too busy, he'll do whatever I ask but we don't have the same approach or share the same priorities but he respects me when I want what he doesn't, and I appreciate that we're just different and that doesn't mean I'm right. I can't be otherwise he wouldn't be so successful.

totheseaside,

His fans however do not live with him on a daily basis like you currently do.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?. Do you really want to teach your children this set of lessons about relationships?.

I would read this article; it sounds like his incompetence here is deliberate so you end up doing all the boring scut work he doesn't want to do. He is basically showing you a complete lack of respect and does not give a monkeys. He knows you will take up the slack he makes.

www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

Joysmum Great posts

And OP I think you were actually very fair to your DH, I think you just need to adjust your perspective slightly

While I'm an atheist, I think that this modern translation of Matthew 13:57 nails it with "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family"

None of us would be content being married to someone like ourselves. We look for similarities with friends, while we look for what we lack in ourselves when we look for a partner

I'm a hopeless delegator, while my DW is fantastic. She does it with over the top compliments, which verge on the insincere. But people love it!

My ex-husband was like that, OP.

Note the 'ex'.

Drove me off my tits.

Is it fair to expect some one to change their personality ? You chose to marry him knowing what he was like.