Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

do you sometimes think that you have you just settled for Mr Reliable......

37 replies

daisey · 19/03/2007 13:39

someone who will make a good partner and father and who loves you. Rather then somone you are crazy in love with or find incredibly sexy and attractive.I dont know whether ive just settled for my partner whom im marrying in 2mths or whether the way i feel is just a natural progression after being together for 6 years.

Hes a good man who loves me deeply. Hes a great father. Hes a nice guy but sometimes i just think do i love him? Am i just settling for someone who makes a good family man.

OP posts:

Crazydazy · 19/03/2007 13:42

Maybe you should postpone the wedding!! I can understand what you mean though.

I firmly believe in order to be happy for the rest of your life you have to be with your "equal". Someone who you loves you and you love them the same in return, I don't believe it can work otherwise but I guess thats just my opinion.

inanidealworld · 19/03/2007 13:42

Nothing wrong with that. Never underestimate a good man

ohsmellyjelly · 19/03/2007 13:43

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/03/2007 13:43

Sounds like pre-wedding nerves.

Good partner, father, and unconditional love far outweighs 5 minutes of 'passion' that will fizzle out or become the love you have now. Which is fabulous. Make the most of it.

Crazydazy · 19/03/2007 13:44

Must admit though I am not and never have been crazy in love with DP, our love grew over time and just seems to get deeper and stronger over the years and I am far happier with that than I could ever be with the lust thing.

I am getting married in 2 months too

inanidealworld · 19/03/2007 13:45

Presumably you only expect to marry once and for it to be lasting so the constance and love of a 'good'man is surely to be treasured.
I sound like my gran now

doggiesayswoof · 19/03/2007 13:47

Hmm. I think being 'crazy in love' is not the best basis for a marriage anyway, as that phase rarely lasts.

However I would be worried if I was about to get married and not even sure if I loved the person.

But also, think it is good to question these things before you get married. Go into it with your eyes open.

Would you be able to talk to him about this? I don't mean blurting out that you're not sure you love him, but a more general conversation about what makes a relationship work etc?

fortyplus · 19/03/2007 13:47

I had a few boyfriend who gave me shivers and 'hot pants'.

Never felt quite that way about dh, but I've been with him 20 years which I never would've managed with any of the others. Lust is a wonderful thing, but it's far more important to be with someone who shares your values.

Crazydazy · 19/03/2007 13:52

Totally agree fortyplus. I think you realise you have finally grown up when things like that are more important to you.

Original poster

daisey · 19/03/2007 13:55

It sounds completely stupid but the other day i had someone come to fix the boiler and i just felt really atttracted to him and we were chatting away etc and i just felt a chemistry. And i guess it has given me pre-wedding nerves because i just wondered whether im with the right guy.I love him but do i love him for the right reasons. I mean in terms of being a good husband and father i could do no better. I mean after 6/7years of being together does your relationship change? It just feels like we are more like friends (which is how we started) and a partnership then lovers etc.

OP posts:

ohsmellyjelly · 19/03/2007 14:01

Message withdrawn

fortyplus · 19/03/2007 14:04

Honestly... if you share the same values you'll be fine. Nothing wrong with having the hots for the Gas Man - doesn't hurt to window shop as long as you have no intention of buying!

IdreamofClooney · 19/03/2007 14:07

At this moment I wish that I had selected a partner who I considered to be a good father, reliable etc as it would have saved me years of heartache, stress and hassle.

my advice would be that if you both care deeply about each other and can see yourselves spending the rest of your lives together then what more can you ask for?

I would choose a life of security with a man who loves me and is a good father and a decent person over passion any day!

Hassled · 19/03/2007 14:10

I think Mr Reliable is a great person to settle with. I married someone I was "crazy in love" with and it was a disaster because basically we had no friendship, and being "in love" doesn't get you through the broke/young kids/exhausted stage of a relationship. A lot of years later, I'm soon getting married to a Mr Reliable and more than anything else, he's my best friend so I have no doubts that it will work.

northerner · 19/03/2007 14:12

Hmm, I don't know. Luckily I married Mr Reliable who is a greta dh and Father, but I also happen to fancy the arse off him.

If you don't, there will be many more meetings with people like Mr Boiler fixer.

Then what?

Original poster

daisey · 19/03/2007 14:14

yeah i wouldnt ever do anything i guess i want to be greedy and have both love and lust. I regret that we never married sooner because now it feels like we are marrying because its about bloody time rather then when your young and madly in love etc iykwym. Although im hoping the wedding will bring us closer together once the day comes as theres not been alot to look forward to.I think since ds whos nearly 3 our sex life hasnt been great.Plus our circumstances have changed i completely depend on him as im now asahm.

OP posts:

everthoughtfull · 19/03/2007 14:17

I had exactly the same feelings as you before I got married. I was preggers at the time and was DESPERATE for a family and hunted down a good, funny, reliable man who I thought would make me a good hubby and a great father to the kids.
Five years down the line we have three kids and things tick along. We work well as a 'team' as far as the kids go, but we are not as physically close as he would like. I just find it really hard to remember the woman I was before I had kids. There is no closeness anymore and sometimes it is incredibily lonely. I think at the start, because there was not that initial 'fancy the pants off him' feeling, it has always been difficult to have a lust fueled relationship.
This was my choice though in the beginning, but I can say that over time once the bonking stops (can't remember the last time tbh!) it is a lonely life........

babywhiting · 19/03/2007 14:17

no i married a complete idiot then divorced him...never fancied him but just wanted company!!
now i've got mr right i fancy the pants off him he's a great dad and we're hoping to get married in 2009.
neer settle for what you think will do ....it will never make you happy forever.
love is what you make it.

ohsmellyjelly · 19/03/2007 14:19

Message withdrawn

wpcanniecartwright · 19/03/2007 14:24

so what did you do Mrs Jelly

mumto3girls · 19/03/2007 14:25

I still fancy my DP after 10 years and we ae getting married next Spring...

wpcanniecartwright · 19/03/2007 14:25

i ask cos i recognise this 7 year thingummy, may be a coincidence cos althoguh we have been married 7 years we have actually been together 17!

expatinscotland · 19/03/2007 14:26

Mr Crazy in Love Incredibly Sexy. Hmmm. Always turned out to be Mr Unreliable, and over the years, I found that less and less sexy.

Sorry, but gimme Mr Reliable ANY DAY.

wpcanniecartwright · 19/03/2007 14:27

my dh is certianly not mr reliable, but would i be bored to tears with someone else!

ohsmellyjelly · 19/03/2007 14:28

Message withdrawn

Flip

1 2