experience of growing up in a house where your father verbally abused your mother

[CeCeBloomer]

I would be really grateful if people could share any experience with me and what lasting impact it has had. I am desperately trying to work out what's best for my children.

Oh the effect was lasting - my whole life. I'm still struggling to even speak to my father and our relationship is quite minimal. Of course it depends on the extent of abuse, my father regularly screamed over trivial mistakes or accidents we made, has always been highly critical (and hypocritical) of everyone around him, and was sometimes physical. I hated him for treating me like this, but he was even worse with my mother, whom I've resented for not saying enough is enough and leaving. Unfortunately it was her choice, me and my siblings had no say in the matter.

Hi. My dad was verbally abusive to my mum. Called her fat and disgusting a lot and generally we all had to walk around on tiptoes because we were scared of setting him off. I went straight from home into a verbally abusive relationship myself. I didn't recognise that there was anything wrong with being treated badly and put down all the time because that's all I'd known. After 10 years I worked away with a group of men and saw them treating and talking about their wives respectfully. It was a total eye opener as I honestly didn't believe men could be like that. I left my husband and was lucky to find a man who treats me well and with respect. But when I came accross a man at work with similar personality traits to my dad I crumbled. I needed intensive counselling for a long period of time to work through my history with my dad. I realise now that it's had long lasting influence on my self esteem and my confidence. I've also seen my mum eventually have a nervous breakdown. After that she refused to take anymore shit off my dad and surprise surprise he actually managed to change. You've got to be prepared to leave for this to happen I think though. Sorry for the ramble but you and your children deserve to be treated with respect. I look back on the old me and can't believe I ever felt that how I was treated was ok. Big hugs xxx

It's reasonably infrequent but horrible when it happens, he called me a cunt and said he wanted to rip my brains out in front of our children the other day because I wanted him to do laundry. Used to be much worse pre kids including mild violence - pushing, fronting etc but went on a domestic abusers course, anti-d's and things have been much better. Luckily our eldest wasn't paying attention so didn't hear what was said but at 3 is old enough to understand. The impact of splitting is so great and 98% of the time he is a good husband and father.

I am 52. I have had a lifetime of abusive relationships. Long term mental health problems and have made some poor life choices.
My Dad is still verbally abusive despite being over 80 and having cancer. He has been like this all of my life.
I would not inflict an abusive household on a child and believe very strongly that children should be protected from seeing their parents being abused or abusing others.
It was having my son that motivated me to leave my abusive husband. I didn't have the self esteem to leave for my own sake.
It still blows my mind that there are people who have never been abused and have never seen a family member abused. I wish that I was one of those lucky ones.

Its the 2% that counts. Its a bit like saying 98% of the meal is safe to eat, only 2% is poisoned.
And witnessing abuse is poisoning.
As for your eldest 'not noticing' - believe me - children notice.

Op I don't know if you've become numb to it, but that really is a horrific thing to say to you. I've never heard any of the men I know say anything even remotely in the same ball park as that. Please don't let yourself minimise it.

Iris sorry you have been through that. I think I am very lucky.

It's hard to explain but I think I minimise because my husband is emotionally immature it's like living sometimes with an angry teenager but yes v occasionally I am scared of him

I have been where you are and as difficult it is to hear kit gets worse the older they get. Kdos to you though for recognising it - I stuck my head in the side for a long long time. It was my 7 year old DD picking up on it and my MIL pointing it out that finally made me leave. I'm 3 months out and don't regret it for a second.

Like you, I used to think that most of the time it was ok and just occasionally he was abusive. What I see now though is that it only happened so infrequently because everything I did was to appease him, and I had altered myself so much that it became normal life.

that was my childhood. I am sure my father WAS polite to my mother sometimes, but unfortunately I can only remember the times he called her names, belittled her, put her down, bullied her and so on. In other words, I can only really remember what you call the 2% OP. Leaving him when I was 12 was the best thing she ever did. Ever.

You need to leave him. I spent years allowing my ex to talk to me like shit he also gave me regular beatings. I was only 25 and scared to be a single parent. Sometimes he was nice and I would minimise his actions.

One day my Mum said to me how would I feel if DD was being treated like that? It was a real eyeopener for me and a light came on. I didn't want DD to think it was acceptable for men to treat women in that way. I left.

It was hard I had nothing to begin with but I was free of the shitty life I had with him.

I grew up hearing my father screaming at my mother that she was a piece of shit, a shitbrain, fucking this, fucking that, and while she sometimes screamed back, she often just stood there head bowed and would then blame it all on his own father. I don't respect her for putting up with it and minimising it. Unsurprisingly he became verbally and physically abusive to me and my siblings.

It has left me with lifelong depression and anxiety (these qualities are not inherent in me, they are direct consequences of his abuse) and once I became a parent myself, it caused a complete mental breakdown and near suicidal feelings. I have a poor relationship with my sister because my parents never modelled a healthy way of managing conflict. Luckily my brother has vowed he will never be like our father, and he can keep us just about civil, but that's the most we'll get.

Luckily I have always had healthy relationships, basically by choosing men who were nothing like my father. But it was a while before I realised it's not actually normal for a man to scream that you're a piece of shit, and that it is actually normal to be severely damaged from growing up in that environment.

I love my mother, but I don't respect her decision to stay and the stupid fairytale narrative she has spun around it. She should have left and told him why. I also don't respect her for dismissing me as self centred because she prefers that narrative to the fact that I am damaged from spending my childhood and formative years being screamed and sworn at, slapped, kicked, punched and threatened with death.

Thank you all for sharing

OP I'm sorry this is happening to you, I really hope you decide to walk away for your sake and the kids.
My dad regularly belittled and criticised my mum, occasionally she stood up to him and there would be a blazing row. I was an anxious and insecure child as a result of the atmosphere at home and those issues followed me into adulthood. Your children are being affected I'm afraid even if they aren't showing it yet.

I should have said how sorry I am that you are going through this CeCe.
There ar lots of useful organisations to help you and your DC. Women's Aid comes to mind immediately: www.womensaid.org.uk

I grew up in a family like this too and I feel so sad for all the other posters :( i put myself into fostercare at age 12 because my home life was tearing me apart. Hearing my dad belittle my mum, i was actually terrified of him. I was jealouse of all the children at school (even as early as year one) when I found out it was possible for parents to split up. I dreamed my mum and dad would split up. I resent them even now at 22 and mourn for the childhood I could have had. He wasn't like that all the time but like pps gave said its only the times he was that i remember.

My Dad would often verbally abuse and belittle my mum (the belittling was in front of us kids and the verbal abuse when they thought we were asleep). It made me in particular rather nervous about standing up for myself due to my mum just taking it all the time. My thinkng was that the other person would leave my life so I became a bit of doormat in some respects.
My dad was never physically abusive to my mum but even at 8 years old I would wish my parents would split up. I was always tenterhooks when we had family days etc but if 1 or other parents took us out on their own it was always a much more enjoyable experience.
Thoughts are with xxx

So sorry to hear of your situation, OP. I grew up with a father who was verbally abusive towards my mother - although he was very remote with us and to this day I have never had a conversation with him (he is 92). Nothing I did was ever good enough and when my ex H left when I was pregnant, he cut me off for five years - in that he gave my mother the "lobster is not welcome in this house" speech and I overheard.

Every relationship I have had has followed the same pattern. I think it's called an Electra complex. I am only "comfortable" in an abusive relationship, with a man who belittles me constantly and is remote and cold. Anyone who has been warm and affectionate, I'm uneasy with and have no respect for as I feel that they must somehow be flawed or mistaken (a bit of Groucho Marx: I wouldn't want to be in a club that would have me as a member).

I also blame my mother for not standing up for herself. She was (is) the classic victim/martyr. None of us (siblings and me) have had decent and healthy relationships and we're all divorced, one of us three times, and single.

It's really good that you are acknowledging the effects on your DC.

You're not the only one in this predicament OP. I truly empathise.

What PPs have said are hard hitting but honest accounts of how the children feel. What's struck me in particular is that the children resent their mothers for not walking away. So there really is no point and no fairy tale ending in "staying together for the kids."

Lobsterquadrille2 - that makes so much sense. I've never heard of an Electra complex.

The impact in my family was on the girls more than the boys. The boys turned out fine - not abusive husbands. The girls were not fine, but in different ways. One married someone who is almost a replica of Dad and spends her life keeping the peace, enabling, as paralysed by it as Mum was. The other had relationships with similar men who she tried to change, all ended very badly with a lot of trauma, but a pattern she repeated. She was always angry that our lovely kind well meaning mother had just put up with it all. Please don't - please model the relationship you want your children to have, or none at all.

Its the 2% that counts. Its a bit like saying 98% of the meal is safe to eat, only 2% is poisoned

Precisely. Even if infrequent it is extremely ugly and aggressive. You can try excusing him but even a very immature person should have the braincell and consideration to not say such things, especially in front of his kids. Over a laundry request? Give me a break.

My Dad is a narcissist, outside of home everyone loves him, they think he is the greatest guy. He is funny, talented and has so many friends! When he had a heart attack followed by a triple bypass I had to queue to visit him as there were so many visitors. He was/ is a great Dad to me and I grew up very much a Daddies girl, never putting a foot wrong for fear he would turn against me. I know now that I was the golden child.

He was incredibly verbally abusive to my Mum, who would hide things just to keep him from blowing up at her. Our home was definitely paved with eggshells! My parents would regularly have huge fights where my Mum would leave and I would sob in my bed praying she would come back. She always did. I have asked her as an adult why she never left him she says that he told her that if she left he wouldn't let her take us and he would never let her see us again. I hate that she believed that!

Apart from the rows, the way he spoke to my Mum really affected my self esteem. She believed everything he said until she became everything he said. She was beautiful, slim and full of fun and personality when she met him. He introduced her to his Mother saying she was big and fat, my Gran asked him in front of my Mum why he said that as she was anything but! He cheated on her and she became bulimic to loose weight that he gave her a complex about. As a child I remember my Mum making herself sick all the time, I developed a phobia of being sick. Mum would say she was ugly and stupid, things he made her believe. As a result I felt ugly, he then spent my teens calling me fat and saying I looked like a leper/ like I had scabies because I had acne. He I am more than certain hasd constant affairs throughout their marriage, not that he will ever admit it (I grew up believing that men cheated on you, my poor husband had to deal with my insane anxiety when we first met. In the end he sat me down and said 'I am not your Dad I am not going to hurt you like that'. Realising that my parents marriage was causing issues in my own relationship was eye opening for me. I had a list of behaviours that I would not put up with in a relationship but my dh never needed me to say them. I know how lucky I am to have such a logging, kind , gentle and respectful husband!

My brothers grew up thinking that they should behave towards women the way my Dad behaves towards my Mum. Both of my brothers are verbally abusive towards my Mum, my Dad sits and says nothing as he treats her the same. My poor Mum is a shell of the women she once was, she is a fantastic Mum but now so anxious all the time. She has became reclusive, she is obese, so neglectful of herself that she is now living with severe side effects of living with very high blood sugar levels. She suffers from depression and severe anxiety. She will never leave my Dad, I have tried but she lives for the good times they have together.

My brothers are verbally abusive to their girlfriends. My eldest brother is staying out of relationships until he gets counselling to help him deal with anger.

Believe it or not my dh and I have a good relationship with my parents. They are like different people when they visit us. My Dad knows I won't accept him being abusive to Mum/ me/ children so is actually a loving Dad and grandparent to me and our two children. Unfortunately my poor Mum still gets it when she gets home. My dh and I have offered several times for her to move in with us but she doesn't want to.

I have no idea why it says logging instead of loving!

I was bullied relentlessly throughout school, I know that is likely linked to my Dad and the way he treated me. I think he failed to see that my Mum is a part of me. When he abused my Mum he was abusing me!