experience of growing up in a house where your father verbally abused your mother

[CeCeBloomer]

I would be really grateful if people could share any experience with me and what lasting impact it has had. I am desperately trying to work out what's best for my children.

My experiences of a verbally abusive father and an appeasing mother are well documented on here

Suffice to say I am virtually no contact with my father and my mother who are still together. He still treats her like shit and I started to refuse to bear witness to it from an early age.

Your children will despise both of you as they grow up , I am afraid. That's how it goes when your father is a dick and your mother puts her relationship before the emotional welfare of her kids.

Women often seem to think that if they just keep putting up with shit, people will somehow see their sacrifice and nobility and rain rewards on them in due course. In some cases it's a classic martyr syndrome but in others it's less straightforward, though cut from the same cloth.

I have never seen this happen, though. People do not respect those who don't respect themselves. I've never known anyone to reward someone who spent their life being treated like dirt and not doing anything about it. Especially when this meant children had to witness it, or worse (and they usually do).

My dad started off by being verbally abusive to my mum, and then it turned physical when he wasn't get the reaction he wanted from her. Safe to say I married someone who is the complete opposite of my dad. Witnessing it all was awful, I was scared to be with my dad alone incase I said or did something wrong. He started to call me nasty names as I got older, and stared sticking up for my mum. My self confidence is horrendous, and can never accept a compliment.

So much resonates here.

There were five of us kids. Three decided to take the easy way out and go with the flow, perpetuating our parents' mistakes.

Two of us kicked the trend, used our father's mistakes as a handbook on how not to behave / not accept shit behaviour from others.

Think about what you want, and make it happen, sod everyone else, take charge of your own life. It might not be easy, but you can do this!

All the best.

Please leave .

The effects on me were basically growing up scared, even in the good times - and there were plenty - because there was always the uncertainty that it might turn nasty. Being constantly watchful, trying hard to smooth things over, feeling like I had to protect my mum by appeasing my dad, feeling like if I could just be perfect enough then things would go ok, begging friends to stay at my house because I knew he'd be nice if there was another person there, worrying about my mum all the time, wondering what was wrong with me and why I didn't get the family like on to or like my friends used to have, generally feeling terrified a lot of the time. If you'd asked me them if I wanted them to split up I'd have said no and been horrified at the thought, but I was a child and didn't know what was best.

Effects on me as an adult - anxious, terrified of confrontation, shut down if anyone raises their voice even slightly, struggle to trust and relax in relationships- constantly on the defensive, lingering guilt mixed with anger and sadness, ridiculous people pleaser still desperately trying to keep everything 'nice', fucked up relationship with food (one of the things that he'd call my mum was fat bitch etc) and very low self confidence.

Leave, would be my advice.

So sorry to hear you are going through this CeCe. Please leave. I grew up in a household where my mother was horribly verbally abusive to my father, who passively took it all. It left me an anxious child with major self esteem issues. I had problems forming and keeping any close or meaningful friendships. I made poor choices in partners. It left me hating my mother's terrible behaviour and resentful of my father's tolerance of it. Please, please leave.

As soon as I realised that my marriage was becoming verbally abusive (me to him, him to me, regularly) I left. And I am so glad I did. Our children are glad I did. Despite a myriad of initial obstacles, life is now so much better - calmer - for us all.

it's only now in my 40s that I can really see just how much damage growing up in such a horrible atmosphere did to me. Please don't allow the same to happen to your own children.

It

Cece
My dad could be like this - no threats of violence towards my mum but verbals. Most of the time he was fine. As a child I was aware. Did love them both but always felt sorry for my mum... As a teen I felt annoyance towards her - as in I thought she should have been stronger towards him. Now as s mum I'm back to feeling sorry for her... Things are mostly fine with her abd my dad- but I honestly think we would have all been happier if they had split - but of course I understand it's eaiser said than done xxx

My father was financially and emotionally abusive, occasionally physically abusive and an adulterer; he tried to convince my mother that she was going mad by hiding knives, teapot lids, etc. They used to argue when I was in bed, but I'm not sure if they knew they woke me up. I was seven when they finally got divorced.

The effect it has had on me as an adult is very similar to that of Composteleana: I'm terrified of confrontation, struggle to trust and will sabotage relationships by pushing people away. I'm also a people pleaser, and have very low self esteem/confidence.

Please don't think your children don't know - they do, even if they can't articulate it, they will be picking up on the atmosphere at home.

It breaks my heart that so many have suffered this kind of abuse.

My dad was verbally abusive to my mum - he had a Jekyll and Hyde thing going where some of the time he was gentle and loving, but when set off he would say the nastiest, most demeaning things he could think of. My mum has a martyr complex and has stuck with him. I felt powerless and invisible, unable to do anything about the dynamic between my parents.

As for me, I've been diagnosed recently with borderline personality disorder. Some of this has to do with witnessing my dad's verbal abuse, and some of it has to do with being constantly invalidated by both my parents. I am hyper sensitive to criticism and rejection, anxious, and have spent my adult years looking to men to re-parent me.

Op ?

Just catching up. i spent last night taking and he is going to move out and give me some space. He also acknowledges it's abusive and unhealthy for our children and can't continue

I also talked to my parents who are fully supportive and a couple of friends

That's good to hear. Keep talking.

Really good to hear, CeCe. I wish my mother had been more like you instead of the "I've made my bed" attitude (partly generational, to be fair). I've spent my life seeking male approval and, as a PP said, feeling permanently anxious.

All the very best of luck to you.

I've just left a relationship that had a very similar dynamic. I called time on it two weeks before Christmas after he "jokingly" called me fat in front of our daughter and some of our friends. When I pulled him up, he instead of apologising, turned nasty and said if I didn't like it, do something about it. I've been in my own place for two months. The feeling of not walking on egg shells is amazing. It's not been easy and I miss my daughter when she's with her dad, but I'm much happier.
Good luck. Xx

My dsd is just sitting her a levels so we are going to wait until after. I feel pretty shattered and just wish I could have a crystal ball so I really knew what was best for our little ones

I could write an essay about it. My parents divorced when I was about 4 or 5 I think - I was born in '69 and I reckon it was sometime in '74 when we moved away. by about '78 or '79 my mum met the person who was to become my step father. It's just the classic story, he was all nice and smiles to start with but soon after the true colours started to show through. Ordering us all around and telling us what to do all the time, shouting over the top of everything my mum said, no one else could have a voice, he had to have the last word all the time - threatening behaviour, he was an ex RAF PT instructor and 6'3" - basically bullying me and my brother as well as my mum. I can remember one time I was dragged out of my room and slapped around for listening to the sex pistols on my tape recorder. He used to storm up the stairs taking his belt off and cracking it so me and my brother could hear - the fear was unbearable. He'd burst into our room and start lashing it over the furniture and the ends of our beds as two small children aged 8-10 would be cowering for cover- and this would just be because we'd had a little argument over the lego or something - what a dick. He'd regularly grab my the arm and squeeze it so hard I couldn't move for pain, drag me around and slap me round the head. bearing in mind that I'm a small person at 5'4" and only weigh 9.5stone now! That's just what he used to do to me and my brother - the shouting and the arguing with my mother became so intolerable that by the time I was 14 I wanted to kill him. I'd lock myself in my room take the pillows from my bed and punch and punch and punch them imagining I was beating him up. I couldn't stand to be in the same house as him let alone the same room. I began to refuse to speak to him, I stopped even acknowledging him, meal times were a spent in silence. My mum would tell me to at least say hello to him but I wouldn't, I just said I'm not talking to that idiot. I started to grow apart from my mother, I lost respect for her, my school work went downhill and I started drinking which just led to more arguments, shouting and slapping around. By the time I was 17 I was spending pretty much all my time at my girlfriends house with her very normal fun loving family who really did me a whole load of favours. I cut all contact with my step father and barely saw my mother. It wouldn't really be until I was in my mid to late twenties that I began to build back up any sort of relationship with her - after she'd divorced him cheating. Sound familiar? more self destruction followed after I broke up with my first girlfriend, she cheated on me several times, and by the time I was in my thirties it became apparent to me I was having trouble forming normal relationships - I split with my last girlfriend of several years 14 or so years ago now and have still not been able to form a cohesive loving relationship despite a few 'flings' here and there. In that time I've travelled a lot, taken up mountain biking and yoga, been on a lot of retreats in south America to drink the soul healing medicine ayahuasca and stayed on yoga retreats in India. I've now this year gotten around to buying my own place and am happy with my life :)

Leave OP it's truly miserable growing up in a house like that. My father died 3 months ago just short of 51 years of a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive marriage. I wasn't even slightly sad. I stopped hating him a long time ago because he wasn't worth the energy but I much as though I love DM I will never completely forgive her for making us live like that. Leave for yourself but leave to allow your children to have happy life

Splitting up is the best option. Living in a house where anyone is being abused, in any way, is horrendously damaging for all involved. Children see and hear far more than most adults realise, and permanent damage can be done by being exposed to this sort of thing.

And even if that weren't true, you deserve better. You deserve to be loved and cherished. Get rid of him.

Both my parents were abusive. My mother verbally, father silently and then physically. When they divorced, we lived with my mother who destroyed my self esteem by turning her acidic, evil tongue on me, my sibling was taken/put into care and died not long afterwards (overdose) and I moved to live with my father who mostly ignored me and finally detached my retina with one, well placed thump. Sorry.

Not me but my brother. He has a terrible temper, just like my dad really. He used to rage at my sil calling her a fat bitch etc. But he really used to let rip at my nephew, screaming in his face and calling him names. They used to stay at my parents house when visiting and my dad had to drag my brother away from my nephew a few times as he was going berserk at my nephew. Never really did it with my nieces though.

Sil left when nephew was about 13 and he went to live with her.

I would describe my nephew as a ghost. You can be in a room with him and not know he is there, he is so quiet, rarely talks, has some odd hobbies - collects Pokemon (he is early 20's) and hardly any friends. I feel so sorry for him as when he was young he was talkative, happy and friendly, I saw him change over the years due to what my brother put him through

Verbal abuse to my mum only ended up extending to my siblings and I as we weren't so little anymore.

Im really bad at handling conflict. I either explode in rage or run away. Im not good at resolving conflict.