It has taken a long time to get here, but enough is enough

[OnwardsNewLifeAhead]

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a solicitor.

H and I have been married for 15 years, and have 3 dc. All have additional needs - eldest severely, needing full time 1:1.

The marriage has long been over, but I wasn't ready/able to do a lot about it due to circumstances - H works stupid long hours and has never been willing to cut them to help me out. I am a SAHM, by choice initially (although the plan was for me to go back to work, the dc's disabilities don't allow for that - all 3 are at different schools, eldest in the next county and transport is not an option) but now because of circumstance. My life is changed irrevocably, and is ruled by appointments, Statements, forms, school appointments and sourcing extra support/researching theories and managing behaviours, and his has carried on untouched.

He is financially controlling, always has been under the guise of (apparently) me not being very good with money. There is no reason to suspect this, I am actually incredibly careful with money, and certainly no spendthrift. I am probably better than him at managing money, leaving us in a position where he physically has all the money, and spend whatever he likes whenever, while I shop for things in the sales only (so as not to spend too much, as easier to 'justify' a smaller amount) and juggle to make ends meet - a ridiculous situation given the amount he earns.

I have been psyching myself up for this for a very long time, and tomorrow, I start the process.

I am both relieved and apprehensive. I cannot continue any longer like this, but worry about the shitstorm ahead, because there will be one. H is emotionally manipulative, and is already involving the dc, making them the middle of disagreements between us. I want to be able to make that better, and I can't. But I can change this, and I am going to.

So, what should I take with me tomorrow? It's an initial meeting, to talk through options and see whati may be entitled to.
The house is in joint names, and has reasonable equity. He has a decent pension built up, and another property in his name only (also has reasonable equity).

He will not accept this easily, and once I start all this, I doubt he will move out, meaning life will be very uncomfortable for quite a while. But I can do this, and I can get the dc though it. Because it will be better, eventually, won't it?

Best of luck op

Yes, it will be. Everyone has the right to leave any relationship.

Good luck to you!!

Of course it will be worth it. I think you're just having a wobble because you know it won't be easy.

Can you take bank statements, anything that shows his income. Pension statement if you can get hold of a copy. Mortgage information. That would be a good starting point unless I've missed something.

Good luck - you know you're doing the right thing and once it's over you and the DC will be a lot better off.

Thanks everyone.

I a man having a wobble. I barely cope now with the dc and their needs - if he starts mucking about with contact, then I would sink fast, and he knows it. He also won't cope with all 3, so I expect he'll eg refuse to take dd1 due to behaviours, which will leave me with her 24/7 (I have no family support, and no respite). I'll cross that bridge when it (inevitably) happens.

I have mortgage info for our house, but not second property (have a rough idea), have a couple of pension statements, but not sure if all, same for bank statements. I know salary, and just found some interesting info re: bonus which he has clearly lied to me about - it is far higher than he has mentioned. Fucker.

*i am having a wobble. I am definitely not a man

He's really horrible.

You have to play hardball with him, I think. Your life will continue with you taking full charge of the children - you need to have some spare money to help you deal with that.

How old is your eldest child? Would he look after her on her own at all? What will happen when she finishes school?

Eldest is a young teen. When she finishes school? No idea. There's no money, no services and precious few scheme places available. I can't see adult services being any better funded than children's services. I get to carry on caring, while H carries on furthering his career I guess.

I probably will need to play hardball. I would happily walk away with a couple of bags, but I need to think of the dc - dd1 especially, but the others have significant needs too, just not quite in the same league.

I am assuming our situation means an unequal split of assets in my favour, which will make him fight all the harder.

He would possibly look after her on her own - he will offer to, but she may not go, and I can't discount her feelings. He does little to make her feel comfortable, and openly favours the other two over her, with a big difference in how they are treated. She is aware of this. Which makes it all but impossible for me to insist she goes/does anything with him. I take on the lions share (simultaneously, of course, 'giving up' time with the younger two) because otherwise she would be miserable.

He is vile. Good luck and well done!

Oh, and don't let him get away with seeing only the child/children he wants to see. He is father to all 3, so he should take all 3. Mention it to the sol and see how that can be made a condition (even though, he'll probably not pay attention to it).

Horrid man. You're well rid.

Well done on making the decision, getting an appointment and being strong enough to do it Onwards . Is your solicitor a good (tough and mean) one?
Anyone who looks after three children with special needs, with minimum help, is a strong person. You will get through this and oh my it will be wonderful once you are on the other side of it! You will by now have considerable experience of fighting for what you need, so use those skills to get what you need and deserve in this situation.

Keep digging through financial paperwork, if he has lied to you once then there could be any number of policies or accounts that you don't even know about.

You deserve and a

I hope so re: solicitor! They are a recommendation from MrsBert.

I have no doubt there are hidden accounts/money squirrelled away. I have enough to bluff and make him think I have more, I reckon, which may startle him into disclosing more than he wants to. But I will keep hunting.

Thank you for the kind words. I'm not that strong, but hopefully strong enough.

Oh but you are strong.

As you're going to be divorcing a grade a cunt, my top advice would be to wait and wait and dig and dig until you get as much financial info as possible. Is he self -employed? Please God I hope not..

You can do this. Chances are he'll play dirty - all the more reason to get every and all possible info so you're primed and ready to rip him to shreds.

Let us know how it goes with the solicitor. Wishing you all luck and love, you deserve it. Your time now

OP I took a charge out on our house in order to take my not-soon-enough-tbxh to court as he is emotionally and financially abusive. My solicitor (recommended by Womens Aid) took care of it all bar signing on the dotted line. It got him out of the house and is now funding my divorce which of course he is stalling on, trying to hide assets and spend as much of 'his' savings as possible before it goes to court.

It's not ideal but as you will also be divorcing a grade A bastard then it might be useful to know you could possibly access more money for the divorce if you need to.

Good luck OP and lean on friends and WA if you need to - it's going to be tough but worth it

He's not self employed, thankfully. I have been gathering info for much of the last year, so have a reasonable amount.

I have some money put aside for divorce costs (see: I am good at managing money - I've even managed to save money from the amount he transfers each month), plus H must have had a funny turn one year as I have an instant access ISA in my name - he must have been desperate to not pay the tax on that amount, as I've no other savings in my name (presumably as I can't be trusted ) so I should be ok.

I have a relative who would help out too, if I need them to, but I'd really rather not have to ask.

If he's going to be difficult then use the anger to keep you going.The first step is the hardest and feeling you've started on a roller coaster that you can't get off is scary but once you've found the right solicitor for your and have a plan it gets a little less overwhelming.
Lots of good advice here about getting as much evidence together as possible about finances and taking care of yourself too.

Adult services round me are far better than child services. You might get some respite from disabled SS - good luck, you can do this.

WhyIs makes a good point about Women's Aid - do get them on side. National helpline is difficult to get through (unless you call at night /overnight 0808 2000 247) but look at their site and click 'Women's Aid Directory ' to find your local office - easier to get through and get the ball rolling.

You may find that evidence of his financial abuse qualifies you for legal aid btw. I'm sure there is copious evidence of it. Women's Aid, and a WA recommended lawyer, should point you in the right direction.

I feel hopeful for you op.

Well, I've been, and so that's done. Solicitor was good, didn't tell me anything I don't already know, but is preparing a letter to get the ball rolling.

Now I just need to tell H.

And work out what/when we tell the dc. I doubt H will move out, so it we'll be in for a rocky few months.

I really don't think I'm in WA territory (and I know there'll be some posters suppressing frustrated sighs at at that!) - H is emotionally manipulative, and financially controlling, and just not a very nice person, but from what I know, he will front up and pay maintenance etc - he just won't make it easy.

Good start.Well done.

Thanks. (or rather ) needed - I am more emotional than I thought I would be. I think it is the relief that I am finally doing something about it all.

But also sad that it has come to this.

Not sad enough to back out, or be persuaded when H inevitably starts pulling his weight in an effort to make me 'come to my senses', but sad nonetheless.

"I really don't think I'm in WA territory (and I know there'll be some posters suppressing frustrated sighs at at that!) - H is emotionally manipulative, and financially controlling, and just not a very nice person, but from what I know, he will front up and pay maintenance etc - he just won't make it easy".

Why do you think that you are not deemed worthy of WA's help?. Abuse is not just physical in nature.

You are very much in WA territory; you are precisely the sort of person they help. Controlling behaviours are also abusive behaviours. Do not ever think that a call to them will be a waste of time because it won't be.

I would not assume that he is going to be reasonable about maintenance either; I would hope for the best and prepare for the worst. He is, as you rightly say, likely going to make all aspects of you separating from him as long and protracted as possible as punishment to you for leaving him.

I would read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Its okay to be sad but his actions have caused you to end the marriage. He would have been the self same regardless of whom he married.

Thanks Attila.

It's not so much that I don't think I'm worthy of the help, but more that I don't need it, iyswim? This will undoubtedly be unpleasant, and difficult, but WA is a finite resource (money, time) and there are others who unquestionably need it more than me. I am aware, I have enough money to see this through, and I am prepared to fight if necessary.

I am going by his past conduct re:maintenance. I have step children, and he has always paid for them (maintenance, school fees, even still supporting hem as needed now they are adults) as he should - no praise for stepping up from me, just acknowledging he has (in the past) done the right thing and I have no reason to suspect he wouldn't now.

I don't doubt he will still make it all difficult, he doesn't want to be here, getting divorced again (not that he particularly wants to be married to me, he just doesn't want to be divorced again).

It would definitely be wise to hope for the best but prepare for the worst, though, you are right.

Well done, Onwards. You have the right attitude. I hope he just plays ball as the inevitability of the consequences of his actions is bourne in on him again. He can't avoid looking at himself when he finds he's being divorced again, can he?

Look after yourself.

Good for you for getting out of there! I'd be tempted to say that you're going for joint custody 50/50 if he doesn't agree to any reasonable demands. Sounds like that option would scare the life out of him (and he should be perfectly capable of caring for his own children).