Is this a bad idea? TRIGGER WARNING

[whereiscaroline]

I was sexually abused as a child by my father. We had a relationship until about 4 years ago. I was always able to "bury" what he'd done, until my DS got to about the same age I first remember the abuse happening. The enormity of what had happened to me then suddenly hit me, I went NC and then had some counselling.

The thing is, I really miss my dad. Putting aside what he did (and I'm not minimising this, I promise), I really miss him as a parent and as a person. It's kind of like a bereavement, and I'm always really sad not to send him a birthday card or a Father's Day card.

He's been writing me letters ever since, a couple of times a year. Not self pitying ones, nothing about what happened. Just updates on their life, letting me know he's there if I needs anything. I've ignored them up til now but have received one today and I have realised that I desperately want to reply.

I don't want a face to face relationship with him again. But I've started thinking that maybe indirect via occasional letters would be OK. It would mean I have a partial relationship back with him. I'm so worried that if he dies that I will hate myself for suddenly cutting him out and never speaking to him again, because despite everything he did he's my dad and I love him very much.

Is this an awful idea?

Did you ever get any counselling for what happened?

I am sorry I cannot offer much practical advice, I am nc with my father. There was no abuse but I loathe him.

I think if this were me I would want nothing to do with him.

Maybe you need to give yourself some time to grieve the relationship and see where you are when you have had some time and space to think.

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, I've had 2 lots of counselling, one when much younger and one lot a couple of years ago.

It's so hard because despite it all, he's still my dad. There were about 15 years after the abuse stopped of a normal parent child relationship and he was a brilliant dad during those years.

I just really miss him, of course not for the person he was or what he did, but just as my dad. The person I could call and talk to when things went wrong or went right. His sense of humour, his positive attitude, his ability to always talk me down from any mess I'd got myself into. Just like I said, I miss the part of him that was a good normal dad and I wonder whether I could get some of that back, and stop my own grief of the loss of the relationship by an indirect relationship.

I'm sorry for what you've been through op. Has he ever acknowledged what he has done? I'm afraid that I could not have any kind of relationship in that situation but obviously it's complicated and everyone is different.

I personally would not be able to forgive and forget and there would always be that fear what if he did it to my kids.

Does your mother/ step mother know?

Honestly, I don't know if I could. It's forever a power imbalance and a ripping of innocence isn't it?

He is a very disturbed man who needs help. He did it once, he could do it again.

I'm not saying he's evil but, he has no self control and no empathy.

I honestly feel for you to even have written correspondence he needs to acknowledge what he did, seek help for it and show the steps he's taking to prevent abusing another child.

If he did it from a young age and over a long period of time a kind of Stockholm Syndrome may be at play.

If your friend told you the exact same thing, would you advise her to stay in contact?

Nothing is black and white but some things are just near impossible to move past.

He took gratification for himself, ignoring your feelings- no father, lover, stranger should ever do that.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you

Why don't you have a chat to NAPAC. They have experience in these matters.

There is very little I couldn't forgive, but what he did to you is just about the only thing that would an absolute deal breaker.

Nothing he can do can ever eradicate the decision he made, and you need to be realistic that it was an adult decision, no excuses.

Why bother with an arms-length relationship, isnt that a non-relationship by any other name?

to you OP whatever you decide.

Just thinking about a man doing that to his offspring chills me to the bone.

I was abused by my dad.
I have moved past it
I have forgiven him
We do have a relationship now - although not terribly close.

Very few people know
Even fewer understand
But it works for me,
And given I was the victim - and I can live with the choice to be in contact with him. It's no one else's business.

Please do what is right for you
And feel free to pm me if you would like

It's never black and white

He has admitted what he did and apologised, albeit indirectly and only once. He claims he has sought help but obviously I have no evidence of that.

I would not allow any relationship between my son and him, and would not want any direct contact myself anyway.

My stepmother has been told, but has chosen not to believe it. My mum knows and believes me.

Thanks for the NAPAC referral, I will email them to see what advice they can offer.

I think the reason I want a "letters relationship" is just like I said, to feel he's still partly in my life. I want him to know what's going on with me, in the same way I want to know about him and his life, even if I can't be part of it in person and vice versa. Like I said, I suspect I would torture myself if he died and I had never spoken to him again, because despite everything he is still my dad and I love him for every part of who he is apart from that one awful part.

It's really common I guess to think that a person who has done something bad must be evil all the way through, but somehow in my head I just see him as a wonderful person which a really awful, rotting part inside him which did those things. I miss all the other parts so much

I don't think that anybody who hasn't been in your shoes can really offer any meaningful advice. Only a hand hold and our very best wishes. It's such a complex thing, not at all black and white. That's not to say that what he did to you wasn't 100% wrong - that part most definitely is black and white.

The only observation I would make is that you say he acknowledged what he did and apologised for it "indirectly" (so via someone else?), but also say that his wife has chosen not to believe you. That means that he must be lying about the abuse, whether it's just to her or to everyone. Those are not the actions of a changed man or a good person. After all that he did to you, he is happy for people to believe that you have made up the most terrible lie about him.

I hope that whatever you decide brings you peace

I doubt he is evil but he did something very sick and potentially ruined a child's life.

As the victim it's perfectly acceptable for it to be your decision. Just make sure it is you who calls those shots.

It's not right for anyone but you to tell you how you should approach this.

Hi op, I too was abused by my dad. I've not spoken to him in over 10 years and never plan to see him again but that's partly because he was such a crap father so I had other reasons too. I think that made cutting contact for me much easier.

I know what you mean about him not being all bad, despite my pathetic excuse for a father, as a person I could get on with him really well. Very few people are 100% evil, that doesn't mean that his actions weren't evil, but I'm sure you know that. These men often don't fit into the Jimmy Saville example of a creepy man. They're often very nice men who you would never suspect.

At the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you. You owe him nothing, don't do it for him, any choices you make need to be for you.

I really feel for you, OP. You have lost a parent, and of course that means a great deal to you. No wonder you are grappling with a feeling of responsibility and wondering about your choices.

Remember that you wouldn't have had these awful choices to make at all if you hadn't been put in this situation by your father, who should have protected you rather than harming you.

It's ok to choose whatever you think is best for you -- not anyone else. Maybe worth discussing with a counsellor to be sure of your feelings?

If you want to summon up some rage toward him to drown out those positive feelings, remember that it's very statistically unlikely that he only abused you. There are very very likely other victims. In the wider family and beyond.

There is no right or wrong way to feel in this situation I think. Please do not punish yourself for whatever feelings you have.

I do think though whether to start up an indirect relationship with him again is not really a decision that it would be wise to make alone.

There is no rush, you don't have to decide right now or lose the opportunity.

I think you should have some counselling support to go through your feelings about it and help you come to a decision.

Those of you who are saying you'd want nothing to do with him? You can't know that. You aren't living OP's life. You can imagine but not know.

I am nc with my dad because of sexual abuse and when people say "if I had a dad like that I'd think/feel x" I think: but you don't, so you don't know that. I feel really judged by people who have the luxury of only imagining and not knowing.

I decided to go nc after a lot of therapy but I also miss him and even occasionally ring to hear his voice and then hang up.

So I hear you, OP. But I think you need to explore, ideally with a counsellor, what you want from contact and what it could bring up before you even attempt to go there.

What I will say is that there is likely to be much deeper grief and disappointment in there. It might feel like the abuse is in a separate bubble and you also have this other relationship you want to get back to, but it's highly likely there are more deeply buried feelings.

You feel like you are grieving for the good parts of your relationship with him. But that grief may also be for yourself and what was lost. You may be missing the part that's easy and manageable to miss, but is that all of it?

Maybe talk to NAPAC, or look on the Survivors Trust website for support in your area. to you

No right or wrong answer.

If you want to write letters to him, do it.

Do what you want and need to do. It's your life, your decision.

The right answer is what feels right to you.

I do wonder if the safety of letters is partly because it enables an element of fantasy, that this man, who you'd never let around your DS, who you don't want to meet with, in writing could be the fairytale father. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that if it's the case, but better to engage with your eyes wide open.

Similarly, if he starts wanting to meet up, are you ready for that?

Just take care of yourself.

What he did was the most evil , disgusting un father like thing and he is not a kind caring man. He abused you and that woukd be the end of any contact or relationship for me. He would be dead to me. How would you feel of your son was abused by his own father ? Would you still believe he wasn't an evil father and allow your son to have contact ??? I'm sorry this happened to you but I honestly can't believe you want him in your life and can forgive him. God knows what type of man he is and what he gets up to now especially with regards porn etc chills me to the bones even thinking it

Apologies in you take my response as an attack. It's not meant to come across that way. I'm just so angry at what this vile human did to you . Ultimately it's your choice and so long as your comfortable with it then thats all that matters. I wish you well op

OP - maybe the grieving you're feeling isn't for the lack of seeing your dad now. Maybe you are grieving for the patent you never had.

He doesn't sound like a "parent". On principle I wouldn't want someone like that around me in case he hadn't changed (and went anywhere near your DC), or in case he was subtle at being emotionally abusive and is just piling on new issues you have to resolve. That'd just stretch out the feelings you have now indefinitely, when you could put a stop to this sooner.

So sorry for what you went through

I was going to post that and then realised... The fact that I've just apologised as many times as him...if he wanted to show you he'd changed and had regrets, he should've done something much clearer eg shown you he's signed up for counselling or wanted to talk it through with you properly

To be clear... From a random internet person with no vested interest in hurting this man - I would walk away from this "parent" and never look back.

Build on your NC now and please don't contact him again. Ultimately he's a paedophile and has wrecked a large part of your life, and is even now.

Maybe your feelings of conflict over going NC are less to do with him, and more that you're just a very loyal person and looking for love, security and lack of confrontation in your family life? Don't waste your good qualities on a very bad and harmful thing.

Protect your family and don't let them suffer the residual effects of your abuse - you owe it to them to remain a good and reliable mother, don't risk that now

It's normal to feel cheated of father/ child relationship and to want some kind of contact. It's not a terrible idea to exchange letters, but I would seek professional guidance and support throughout. He will always be a risk mentally, emotionally and physically. Good luck