Is this a bad idea? TRIGGER WARNING

[whereiscaroline]

I was sexually abused as a child by my father. We had a relationship until about 4 years ago. I was always able to "bury" what he'd done, until my DS got to about the same age I first remember the abuse happening. The enormity of what had happened to me then suddenly hit me, I went NC and then had some counselling.

The thing is, I really miss my dad. Putting aside what he did (and I'm not minimising this, I promise), I really miss him as a parent and as a person. It's kind of like a bereavement, and I'm always really sad not to send him a birthday card or a Father's Day card.

He's been writing me letters ever since, a couple of times a year. Not self pitying ones, nothing about what happened. Just updates on their life, letting me know he's there if I needs anything. I've ignored them up til now but have received one today and I have realised that I desperately want to reply.

I don't want a face to face relationship with him again. But I've started thinking that maybe indirect via occasional letters would be OK. It would mean I have a partial relationship back with him. I'm so worried that if he dies that I will hate myself for suddenly cutting him out and never speaking to him again, because despite everything he did he's my dad and I love him very much.

Is this an awful idea?

I totally agree that you're grieving for the normal, loving father you never had, and get a glimpse of it when he writes you these breezy letters.

Personally, I think it's disgraceful of him to continually try to contact you and act like nothing happened. It's very manipulative. And it sounds like he will never truly acknowledge the evil things he did.

I don't think any good will come of opening up the lines of communication. He will probably want you to pretend nothing happened, like he does. He will probably want to be a grandfather to your child. I can't envisage any scenario that doesn't leave you feeling worse than you do right now.

It's a case of hate the sin but love the sinner. That's ok.

Please protect your children.

The alarming thing is that he is a risk to others.

Was the abuse over a long period of time or a one off? This matters because if it was once it demonstrates a strong degree of control and if not it demonstrates that he was unable to curb his urges and I'd be very worried about other young children who he has came into co tact with and you need to consider this as I do believe you have a moral responsibility towards others he may be abusing

I think talking this through with a counsellor would be best.

Have you ever considered reporting him? He could still be a risk to children?

Protect your family and don't let them suffer the residual effects of your abuse - you owe it to them to remain a good and reliable mother, don't risk that now

I think that this is a really powerful statement. You dont know where this will take you. You will not be in control. I would invest in more counselling for yourself to maintain the lovely life you have created despite him.

Why do you need not need him to apologise? How can you forgive when he has not taken responsibility. I would explore this with a counsellor. I am so sorry for what has happened to you, but I fear that you will set yourself up for more hurt which will absorb you and filter out and pollute the life you have built.

Actually the thought that your step mother doesn't believe you, and he hasn't corrected her - that's horrifying and beyond comprehension

Shows he doesn't prioritise you as a daughter or recognise what he has done. And I don't just mean the abuse - also the continued lack of recognition.

You haven't had a proper apology from him by now - and any given now will be weaker for the delay. I don't think you need anything from this person, not an apology or anything. "Closure" is what you make of it - and in this case it's you prioritising your own family and DC

As someone who was abused by my dad. I totally understand the feelings you have.
Until you were told it was wrong it was not wrong in your eyes and it is a hard situation.
I love my dad even though he did what he did and a lot of people will never understand the torture of hating someone you were bought up love and do love.
It took me to have my dd at 21 before all contact was stopped.
I have not heard from him since it hurts but I cannot trust him around my child and I need the space away to start to heal where I can.

If you want to chat feel free to pm me. It is so hard and no one who has not been there will ever understand.

I don't know how to say It Is A Very Bad Idea enough op. I was physically abused by my father and for a while he made me feel guilty so I stayed in contact. Not because I wanted it but because I was still under his thumb. You're going back to an abusive relationship. Just leave it.

No-one on here can tell the op this is a bad idea IMO. It's a decision she must make for herself.

The only warning I would have is as I put above, not to rush into deciding either way and to spend some time talking it through with a good counsellor.

The main thing is this is a question where 'what is right' i.e. Good for the op, doesn't just take into consideration the op. It depends rather a lot on what her father may do in response to any reply, what he will tell her stepmother, how she will react etc.

It is something that warrants careful examination and preparation either way as at this point choosing not to reply could equally feel very final for the op and throw up lots of difficult feelings.

IMO, anyway.

I understand your feelings partially I think. I'm nc with my 'Father' for reasons I won't go into and didn't see him for about 17 years. I saw him at my Nans funeral and incredibly ended up feeling sorry for him. Those are hard and confusing feelings to deal with I get that totally.

However what he did was terrible, no parent should cross that line and he did it (I presume) more than once. It's not just what he's done but the impact I imagine it's had on you. He likely changed who you would have been as a person. Im probably projecting here, sorry. I do get your prediciment but I would remain nc.