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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is the grass always greener or is it time to go? quite long - sorry

26 replies

greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 12:56

DH and I have been together for 8 1/2 years and have two boys (5 and 18 months). Last month we sold are tiny house and were hoping to move to something with more space and a garden. When we applied for the mortgage 14K of debt showed up on dh's credit check. He told me that they must be fraud and we spent a very fraught week trying to establish what had happened and contacting the police. During this time I repeatedly said if it is you please tell me but it was always denied. DH then admitted that it was him, he had been taking out loans for the past 2 years to cover family expenses. I feel completely betrayed by him and don't know if we can ever rebuild the trust. We have started going to Relate but I'm not sure I love him anymore or even if I want it to work. It think our relationship hasn't been great for a few years now. Equally the thought of leaving him and the effect on the boys is so scary. Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
Berrie · 19/03/2007 12:58

Poor you. How bad was your relationship before you found out? Do you love him?

Original poster
greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 13:00

I'm not sure if I do love him or not. I've felt for the past few years that I have been the one holding the family together and any decisions from what to have for dinner to whether to go on holiday seem to come from me. DH is a great dad though, very involved with the boys, always does bedtime etc

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FioFio · 19/03/2007 13:03

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Berrie · 19/03/2007 13:06

Is there any way you might be able to get beyond the hurt over the deception and related trust issues to see that he was doing something wrong but for good reasons? (if that is the case) Not saying that I am a saintly person who could do this myself! You've got your boys to think of and as a child of divorced parents, I think that splitting up your family is a biggie. Is it posssible you could get through this? Your thread title talks about the grass being greener - are you looking for a reason to end your marriage any way? I'm hoping that this is not coming across in the wrong way, you've had a terrible shock and...I'm just trying to ask some constructive questions.

Original poster
greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 13:07

Since it happened we have agreed to give up our individual accounts and just have a joint account. I agree with you, I felt sorry that he had to go through it on his own in some ways, and very sad that he couldn't tell me. The thing that hurt the most was that he continued lying when it was out in the open.

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Ifonlyhewould · 19/03/2007 13:08

I agree with you FioFio.

It seems to me that your DH has been doing what he considers his best for his family too. It can't have been easy for him living with the burden of all that debt.

I would say the two of you need to have a good talk.

Good luck

FioFio · 19/03/2007 13:09

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Original poster
greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 13:10

Thanks Berrie, I know what you mean. I don;t think I do really want the relationship to end, I'm just aware that it is going to take so much hard work to get it better and at the moment I just feel so exhausted by it all. It doesn't help that ds2 has been in hospital twice this month as well! I felt so positive after going to relate last week but then the weekend was just the same as ever.

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keeplaughing · 19/03/2007 13:11

I found out my DH had racked up £25k of debt (he kept denying it too) - and it was and still is hard - we're going to relate too now. It turns out he was feeling v inadequate as not earning much but couldn't admit it to me, and then debts got out of control (his was credit cards). I think he was depressed about crap job and couldn't see any way out. I just got more angry cos i thought he wasn't trying but now realise it was a lot more complex - we should have been much more honest with each other. Don't think it's a lost cause at all - unless you want it that way. The trust thing is hard - it's the lies / deceit i found difficult to cope with, but am hoping relate can help us sort through this. Can't really give you advice though it depends what you want / need. do you really think you don';t love him?

Original poster
greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 13:12

We have talked about it a lot but I think dh now feels that it is dealt with and everything should get back to normal. He also said he was so sorry that I found out, not sorry for what he had done.

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Original poster
greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 13:14

Thanks keeplaughing, its good to know others have/are going through the same thing. It's so easy to feel desperately alone. As for loving him or not, i am so confused, my feelings for him seem to change so freqeuntly I really don't know.

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keeplaughing · 19/03/2007 13:15

Sorry but he really needs to understand your point of view, completely unfair to say it's all dealt with. It will probably take time though, keep going to relate. Are there any other things? sounds like you probably were't communicating very well, like me and DH.

Berrie · 19/03/2007 13:15

It sounds as if you're having a really tough time, probably the wrong time to make big decisions. I think I would have the urge to punish dh by making him realise just how much he has risked with his dishonesty and to frighten him into being more honest in the future. I suspect this wouldn't be a very positive way to handle things in the long run but I'm not sure I could rise above it either...

keeplaughing · 19/03/2007 13:17

Oh yes, there are plenty of others, which kind of helps, not feeling as if you're the only one. By the way my DH also said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me and then no sex......(on his part) what does your DH say to you?

Original poster
greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 13:19

Hopefully he is beginning to understand how I feel. The counsellor at relate told him that his actions in terms of lying were not dissimilar to having an affair which I think made him stop and reflect! I don't think we were communication very well, he has been very stressed by work as he cannot find a permenant job and has had 3 new contracts in just over a year. I also suffered with PND after the birth of ds2. I'm not sure how much of the communication problems were related to him keeping things secret as I was aware that something was wrong but he wouldn't talk to me about it.

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Original poster
greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 13:21

keeplaughing, dh says he would understand if I decided to end the relationship. which I feel once again puts any major decision making down to me.

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keeplaughing · 19/03/2007 13:27

god, I really feel for you, this sounds so familiar to my own situation. My DH said a similar thing to me - 'I suppose this is the end of the relationship then' it's as if they want you to make a decision,which made me v angry, as you feel it's now they need to make huge effort to make things right. In retrospect now and having done a lot of thinking (and with help from mumsnetters)i really believe he was stuck and didn't have a clue what to do (they're not resourceful like us and probably feels very guilty and inadequate so low self esteem and depression with job issue?

keeplaughing · 19/03/2007 13:28

gotta go now as DH home in a min, but will return a bit later, promise. My mantra is to play the long game, so don't do anything rash right now

Original poster
greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 13:31

I think you are probably right, its so great to find other people to talk to because it can feel so desperate on your own and friends/family all have their own ideas as to what you should do. Why oh why can't men take a bit of initiative for once and say look I know it will be hard but I'm sure we can work at it rather than us having to do everything.

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Original poster
greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 13:32

Thanks keeplaughing, I should go to really as I'm on my lunch break at work. Hopefully back in the evening.

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keeplaughing · 19/03/2007 19:04

Hi greenbeanie, here on and off tonight if you want anything. am looking forward to seeing what counsellor says when we get round to talking about the lying issue, not there yet as she thinks we're raging alky's (dh mentioned a drunken row)and is making sure we safe before addressing underlying issues....

Original poster
greenbeanie · 19/03/2007 22:40

Hi there, hope it goes well with relate, when are you next going? How did you find out about dh's debts? I think the fact that they have lied is the hardest thing to deal with rather than what they have actually done. Had a chat with dh this evening and said i wasn't sure if I loved him anymore as everything felt so confused and i feel so hurt. He has said he will do anything to help me ove him again and seemed to really appreciate how much he had hurt me. Maybe there is hope after all. I do hope so

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keeplaughing · 20/03/2007 10:22

Hi, that sounds good to me and best you're dealing with it now. ~This happened to me about 18 months ago and i was v v angry / hurt etc for a long time but we never dealt with it. I said we needed to talk to someone about it as I knew it would cause an ongoing major problem (which it has)but wanted him to make the effort to do something as it was his fault - which he didn't. I know this probably sounds childish now but i wanted him to take responsibility. I can't remember what happened first now - i found a letter, (i may have already been suspicious, knew something wasn't right, and looking for something)overdue payment on a credit card i didn't know about. He swore that was it. Then i was more suspicious due to the fact he'd been lying and had hidden a credit card from me. What had he used it for?? Thought i was going mad, then he got another letter, put it in bin , ripped up, said it was junk mail - i made him show it to me, another card, went mad, he said that's it, then got call from bank when he was out, and i went ballistic. He came home, cried, said he'd really fucked up, should he go etc. I got sensible head on as by this time he was maxxed out and missing payments etc, only answer was to take out loan on house....Felt like I'd had to take responsibility for his fuck up and seething resentment inside. the problem then is tho' that you start to question your own judgement apart form anything else, and start thinking if he lied to me about that and then lied some more then he could do it about anything. Obviously sex life crap by this point so start imagining things about that as well..and it all spirals downwards. One of the worst things to me is compounding the first lie with further lies - how are you s'posed to believe anything? You must feel the same as your DH did it too, for a week...the only thing i can think in retrospect is that they really are stuck and have no idea what to do, by this stage i don't think it's malicious just trying to buy time to get themselves out of the mess. I did find it helpful to read some stuff about why people lie - I'll have a dig around and let you know what i found. Anyway keep strong (you are already )and we will get through this!! Relate on Weds

anniemac · 20/03/2007 11:01

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keeplaughing · 20/03/2007 11:11

Agree anniemac, there was an underlying issue to my DH doing this, part of which was that we didn't talk about money things and how we felt about it when we started living together, i earnt more than him and he felt inadequate - as time went on i got pissy as he didn't seem to be trying to get another job (he hated his) and thought he was being lazy / irresponsible about it. He had a track record of unmanaged finances anyway so we kept them quite separate. But a definite mistake i see now...