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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My friend is too harsh when rejecting I think

46 replies

Aggieisback1 · 06/06/2017 03:45

A woman I know has been doing a lot of OLD and RL dating recently. She's attractive ,intelligent but not without flaws herself TBH. She has got an ego boost having been single for a while but I don't feel comfortable with what she told me about one date she had and how she goes about rejecting men in general. She met this chap through OLD, got on well with him but didn't feel any chemistry. So she told him outright she wasn't attracted to him and the aspects of his looks which weren't to her taste. I think this was too much. She's also started taking a kind of harsh approach in real life. We were out for a drink and a man came up to us, she proceeds to say "not interested, neither is she (points to me) or anyone else for that matter". It did "work" in that we were left alone but he looked absolutely gutted and kind of melted into the floor. I know my friend has had some bad experiences but I feel like telling her to tone it down a bit. I can't imagine what it must be like having to do all the approaching and then someone humiliating you publically like that.

OP posts:
ClemDanfango · 06/06/2017 03:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aggieisback1 · 06/06/2017 04:08

True enough. Not sure if that's one reason some men turn bad, being on the receiving end of this, or if they just go all quiet. The guy who she told to go away wasn't too bad looking either

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AhYerWill · 06/06/2017 04:36

Yup she's being unnecessarily rude. I'd either tell her straight that it's unpleasant and rude and to cop onto herself (if she's otherwise a good friend) or just stop spending time with her. Life's too short to spend in the company of people who delight in putting others down.

CaoNiMartacus · 06/06/2017 06:40

"Not sure if that's one reason some men turn bad"

Yep. It's women's fault that men turn bad. Hmm

user1487175389 · 06/06/2017 06:47

If she can dish it out and doesn't fall to pieces when people do the same to her, it's her choice, I suppose.

Saves a lot of awkwardness to be upfront. Bit unnecessary to list the exact features you find unattractive but I guess it's her karma.

Westray · 06/06/2017 06:56

Why would you want to socialise with such a rude person?

Aggieisback1 · 06/06/2017 06:57

Cao it is not women's fault men turn bad I never said that. In the case of the rejection I witnessed I felt she was harsh and hurtful. I don't imagine this guy will automatically become a jerk, he's most likely to avoid approaching women he doesn't know in future.

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ptumbi · 06/06/2017 07:16

If she doesn't like someone and doesn't click, then it's ok to tell them. Good boundaries, in fact
Telling them it's because of their looks, or something else they can't help., it's rude.

''Some men turn bad' because they are on the receiving end of it? That's a disgustingly misogynist statement.

Ellisandra · 06/06/2017 07:33

The majority of times that I've been approached in a bar, it has been done in a sleazy way. So I'm not automatically going to criticise her for sending this man off harshly without knowing how it happened. Too many men think it's OK to muscle in on private drinks - including throwing drunken arms round you.
Your friend has the right to enjoy a drink with a friend, without having to fend off opportunist idiots.
Obviously, I don't know that he wasn't respectful and polite - but my experience of that situation is drunken chancers after sex!

Groovee · 06/06/2017 07:55

Can she take it if someone was to tell her what they didn't like about her?

It sounds unkind to tell what you don't like about their looks. It's not rude to say you don't feel chemistry or a spark x

noego · 06/06/2017 07:58

Men deal with rejection from an early age. It starts in the playground. From those experiences they should learn the signs and signals females give off. For example eye contact and smile = q for an hello. If they go charging in with sleazy one liners then they should expect and know they will get rejected and women have their own one line rejection repertoire for this. If your friend wasn't giving off signals and was just having a friendly drink with you then she has every right to be off handish IMO. It's a bit much when a couple of women can't go out and have a friendly drink and chat without being harassed

TheNaze73 · 06/06/2017 08:03

Fair play to her. No one needs to justify why they are not interested.

OnionKnight · 06/06/2017 08:17

As long as she can take it as well as give it she's doing nothing wrong.

Aggieisback1 · 06/06/2017 08:44

I agree she is well within her rights to say no thanks and I don't like men who are drunk or who hassle women out just for a drink. I thought the "neither is anyone else" bit was a step too far though. She has had a slightly rough time with relationships in the past herself but I've heard her boasting about telling men they are unattractive in various ways and that's the but I don't like.

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ravenmum · 06/06/2017 08:49

OLDitis perhaps? Maybe she has had so many mustachioed 70-year-olds sending her unsolicited dick pics that she's "turned bad" herself?

ThomasRichard · 06/06/2017 08:51

No, that's awful. Unless someone is being sleazy, there's no need for that kind of hurtful rudeness.

noego · 06/06/2017 08:56

"but I've heard her boasting about telling men they are unattractive in various ways and that's the but I don't like."

That is out of order!!

Waltermittythesequel · 06/06/2017 08:59

Well, were you interested in him?

Aggieisback1 · 06/06/2017 10:13

I wasn't interested in him, no, but I hardly think he deserved that response.

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HildaOg · 06/06/2017 12:02

She's a cunt but only because people are letting her get away with it. What kind of wimp were you to just stand there? I would have apologised to the guy and left her to play nasty cunt by herself.

OhDearMuriel · 06/06/2017 12:25

Why don't you tell her how unnecessarily humiliating and cruel her approach is?
When you go out with her again, with respect, man-up and show your utter disapproval if she does it again.
Imagine if you had a lovely young son, who came across this bitch !! Stuff like this can really affect people's inner confidence.

Ellisandra · 06/06/2017 13:09

What are you looking for from posting? You're the only one that knows if she was rude (if this man was intrusive, and deserved to be got rid of, we don't know that....) so if she was - why not just tell her?

Howfrustrating · 06/06/2017 13:09

I agree with Hilda. Why do you tolerate her?

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/06/2017 13:55

She sounds up her own arse.

And your not a wimp op.

Aggieisback1 · 06/06/2017 15:41

Hilda I have reported your post for offensive and abusive language. Don't speak to people like that please.

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