Talk to me about your recovery from emotional, mental and financial abuse.

[ferriswheel]

I am in the early days of his departure and I'm struggling. Night time isn't easy. Any tips? How long did it take? How long before you knew you'd turned a corner? Anything really. Please.

It's gonna take a while, maybe at least a year to start turning that corner. Make yourself your no.1 project. Be kind to yourself.
Use mindfulness. Take one day at a time. Lean on family and friends - now is when your chips are down. Focus on doing things you enjoy and getting fun back into your life. Notice the sunshine on your face, the breeze in your hair, the grass/sand between your toes (it's called earthing - very fashionable, Gwyneth Paltrow does it ). Get a great haircut.
Find a good counsellor to talk things through with. CBT on the NHS probably won't cut it. You need someone experienced in DV. EMDR therapy is showing promising signs for healing psychological trauma.
You will get there.

More on EMDR therapy

Sign up for the Freedom Programme and follow it up with The Recovery Toolkit course to enable you to move forward with your life.

Let go of your the identity that you created whilst with your ex and find your innocence again. Counselling will help. Mindfulness, meditating, A good spiritual teacher/therapist should guide you. WA freedom programme. Anything that suits you and you feel comfortable with. You are not on your own there are people that can help you.

I escaped from an abusive marriage 5 years ago, both emotional and financial abuse. A lot of the things I did to cope early on were practical... I said yes to every offer of help, as well as actively asking for help from friends. I made time to spend with friends again and invited them round (I hadn't been able to have friends to the house when married, or see them as much as I wanted). I took control of my finances which meant facing huge amounts of anxiety, but it really really helped when I did it... I went to the bank to sort out my debt, was incredibly careful about what I spent money on to reassure myself I could cope. And I made sure i bought myself one nice thing every month on payday, as I couldn't do that before. And I took time to notice the things that were better, and to enjoy not having to dread going home, and enjoy being able to have some peace. It took a while to feel better, and certain things would trigger my anxiety all the time, or emotionally send me straight back to how I was with him. And I threw myself into some chaotic dating very quickly which was fun, and a distraction, but I'm glad I avoided actual relationships!!

There was no magic turning point, but every now and again I looked back and acknowledged how far I'd come. After 6-12 months I was a lot better, but it's a continual process, even now.

5 years on, I'm a different person. I'm happy and settled, I'm a better Mum, I do things I enjoy and have a lot more money available to spend. I have a nice home and a new partner who is defintely not abusive and is kind and thoughtful. I had some counselling through work which helped. Stuff still comes up which sets me off, though I can manage a million times better. I wish I had escaped earlier, but I understand why I stayed and that I was trapped and I don't beat myself up over it.

I made a list of things I wanted in my life when I was trying to leave him and I found it again about 2 years after I got out. It made me cry because the things I wanted were so basic, and things I now can't believe were out of my reach. It was stuff like having a holiday, being able to relax in my own home, choose the route I drove somewhere by myself, and see my friends.

I don't take these things for granted now I have them.

Hang tight, your life is going to be so much better xx

Thank you everyone, particularly cat on the mat.

I very much relate to what you have said. I suppose lots of his things are still here and I still feel suffocated by him.

Did you ever make peace with where the nice guy went to?

I think that is the hardest thing.. The sadness for how things should have been .. Not how they actually were.
Ive lost track of time but its a couple of months now since me and H seperated but already i feel so much better, still some bad days but less anxious than ive been for years. Hang on in there

I think it depends on the kind of person you are really. I usually spend a year going through the process of varying stages of anger, regret, feeling tearful, fear of being alone even though it was terrible, then I just get over it and move on. You need time, it doesn't happen overnight.

It is just so odd that he became two people. I will never understand where the man I married went, or where the ferocious beast came from.

I also find it so difficult to realise how he enjoyed making me so unhappy. And how that pleased him. It is just so very awful.

Yes.. My H changed over the years into a completely different person, it made me feel cheated out of what should have been a happy marraige, we were supposed to grow old together but he destroyed the possibility of that. Its hard not to feel betrayed even with no-one else involved.. And night times are difficult .. Lonely, but im noticing every day its a little easier X

Shells, how long have you been out of it?

My marriage ended ten months ago but he only left three weeks ago. I quake more now with the realisation that I'm not answerable to him than I ever did. I was obviously well trained.

Do you ever learn to trust anyone again?

Right now it is so overwhelming.

6 years out.

I still hold on to that moment when I felt free. I think about it every day. It still fills me with joy.

It takes time to heal and I found forgiving him a turning point.

Be kind to yourself and remember that the nice person he was didn't exist. It was an act.

You have been conditioned to behave in a certain way over a number of years. It takes time to behave differently. Think differently. Once you start to think differently and you keep doing that it will become your new normal. Like treating yourself or getting a social life, finding your voice and saying no or yes but doing it for you.

You'll be just fine. It takes time x

Thank you. Can you tell me more about the moment that you realised you were free?

I find it so difficult to accept that he is not a nice person. He's the father of my children. I feel so sad they get him for a Dad.

I'm such a strong person, normally. In my processional life no one would believe that this could happen to me. I can hardly believe it myself.

Excellent advice from Naicebiscuits, I agree completely! My ex is a massive trigger for me and I still have to work up to sending him a text about DS and remind myself I'm being reasonable, and often check it out with my patient DP.

I know that he was never a nice guy... I've talked to his family who have also gone NC with him now. I was just one in a long line of women he did this too, both before and now after me. I continue to try to make peace with myself for falling for the lies and not seeing through him. That does remain a challenge sometimes. I feel angry sometimes for staying so long and letting him damage me so much.

I do trust my new partner completely. We talk a lot, and he went through similar with his ex so we're on the same page. We have to be aware of what triggers each other and both have had to be patient with each other sometimes when we behave in a bit of a crazy way because of learned responses etc. I have had to learn what it's like to be in a mutually respectful relationship where you have each others back and support each other. I'm still surprised when he says how much he enjoys me going off and doing fun stuff with my friends as he wants me to be happy. A world apart from what I'm used to.

It's normal to feel that everything is overwhelming. I felt like that a lot.

But I can barely recognise myself now from the me 5 years ago (and I had to live with the ex for 6 months after we split too... worst time of my life). I was also very well trained it turns out. I now get people expressing surprise that "someone like me" could have been in an abusive relationship as I'm outwardly confident. I do tell people about it and what it was like, it's important for me that others understand it to some extent, although I don't think anyone really gets it unless they've been through it.

So keep posting if you need reassurance, and expect to have good days and bad days. But overall it does get so much better.

Oh wow, catonthemat. Your new relationship sounds so good. I yearn to be in a relationship where I could enjoy speaking. My stbxh worked very hard to make sure any conversation was debilitating and angry. He tried his best to make me feel like nothing I said made sense. I don't know why anyone would do that.

I know it is far, far too soon but I guess I am very lonely and cannot ever imagine it not being like this.

Find people you can truly open up to and talk, talk about everything swilling around in your head. And time, it takes lots of time, it will get better

My new partner is a revelation... for both of us. It's not without its challenges I'll be honest, and we do have to put the effort in. But the vast majority of the time it's just easy, there's no second guessing stuff or treading on eggshells and we genuinely enjoy spending time together and have a lot of fun. We just wish we'd met years ago!

I can't even imagine it catonthemat. Sounds wonderful.

Pp I guess talking and talking is important. I don't say much to lots of people but I do have good family. I feel protective of my children. I don't want other people to know they have such a selfish father.

Oh and I decided to make a list of what I wanted in a new man when I was ready... I started with "not a psychopath" and my mum said "I think you can do better than that dear!".

So I made a proper list, and it was long. And I someone gave me amazing advice which was to only accept what I deserve... and everyone deserves the best. So with my very long list, I would mentally tick things off when I met someone. And I discarded some right wankers thanks to that list. I decided I would stay alone and happy if needed as that was better than being with someone who made me miserable and stopped me being me. So far it's working ok!

I also hate the fact that my son has a useless father. He's starting to realise that now for himself and that's hard too as I desperately wanted him to have a great Dad. But I'm a far better Mum now than I would have been if I'd stayed, so I know I did the best for my son.

Yes. I'm a better mum already. And that's with a lot of the money and house stuff still ongoing.

How did you know you could trust your new partner with your child?

I can't imagine it. I truly can't. I feel so betrayed and cheated and degraded and humiliated.

Also, catmat, do you mind me to ask, was there a particular event that meant your son started to realise the truth about his Dad or just a drip, drip drip effect?

I waited a good 6 months until he met him. And in that time I watched how he was as a father to his kids (without meeting them, but in terms of how he stayed in touch, how often he saw them, how he talked about them, his values as a parent etc). He didn't push to meet my son and we agreed it together, it was anxiety provoking for both of us!

And as my son has got older he's just started to realise things a bit more as he's got more aware and compares the 2 houses. He's realising his father won't pay for anything, he sees his father go on holidays without him, he feels ignored when he sees him etc etc etc. It's heart breaking really, and especially difficult at the moment. I'm hoping it gets easier in the future and would equally value good news stories from other people about that!

One of the things I did to help me recover from a horribly emotionally abusive relationship with a man, who, in the early days at least, was utterly the man of my dreams, was to read Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven. It changed my perspective from seeing his awful behaviour as the exception to the norm, to seeing for what it really had become - the norm.

I also focused on something a good friend said to me: 'if a man ain't enriching my life then it's time for him to get off my bus.'

Finally I let go of covering up for him, of making excuses for him. I accepted that he was no longer the lover of my dreams but the nag of my nightmares. It was an incredibly painful revelation to realise that, what for me had be genuine, lifelong desire and love, for him it had been a dispensable diversion. It felt so bad for a day of two, I really cannot tell you how bad - like my guts were being ripped out. But I got through it. I realised that actually I was his loss. I am the better person - he is the loser.