Talk to me about your recovery from emotional, mental and financial abuse.

[ferriswheel]

I am in the early days of his departure and I'm struggling. Night time isn't easy. Any tips? How long did it take? How long before you knew you'd turned a corner? Anything really. Please.

Blessed. Yes I've read that book. It is amazing. Heartbreakingly awful, but amazing.

I can't see what you say with such clarity yet. And I've cried so many tears I'm not even really sure what they are all for anymore.

And the other thing about talking to people. Some people at the start, who I first shared with, were very judgemental. I guess its all simmering away inside me at the moment.

How could he? How could he break me? How could he break us? How could he do it to himself?

I don't understand why he wouldn't stop being so badly behaved?

Did anyone ever work it out?

You will see it. You are doing so amazingly well - it just doesn't feel like it right now.

Don't worry about people being judgemental. Like I think Cat said here, it's really hard for anyone to understand what we are all either going through or have gone through unless you have gone through it yourself.

I am a professional person and outwardly very confident. Most people I know do not know what I have been through because I have not had the energy or the inclination to date, to talk about it to many others than close family and a couple of close friends. And not only do they not know, but if they did, I don't think many of them would believe it because they could not comprehend how someone like me could be so dominated by someone like him. But it is an insidious process - these men are nothing less than vampires, trying to suck the lifeblood out of women like us. And the more confident, clever, kind and beautiful the woman the more they will degrade and abuse her because that makes them feel good. But this website is FULL of survivors' stories - and stories not just of survival, but of personal growth, of social and emotional success and happiness gained.

You will get through this because you don't need him - you have just been conditioned to feel like he is your world. But every day, every hour, every minute you spend independently from him, those invisible ties are loosening, weakening and very soon, one day you will wake up and feel so different that it will be hard for you to remember just how bad you once felt under his control.

We are all with you xx

Thank you. It is very hard not to feel scared, alone and betrayed.

I moved out exactly one year today,my daughter chose the day as it was her birthday.
It was such a relief to just be in a fresh space and I was lucky to find somewhere to live near dds school.
I kept going with lists as I would get distracted between my shifting moods and trying to keep dd on an even keel,we had no TV or WiFi for 6 weeks and that helped enormously as we talked.
We went out for a meal tonight with exh,we get on ok,the man I meet out is not the same currently screwing with my finances through the solicitors.
That will be sorted soon and I will come of worse but at least I am free.
In the early days dd and I loved to lounge around in our dressing gowns in the morning,getting up late and noone being snide about it,no egg shells.Having a bed to myself,white sheets,never having to cook a Sunday roast ever again!
We are coming out into the sunshine,divorce nisi granted(unreasonable behaviour),dd had some counciling at school(she said that she didn't think it would affect he for so long)and we are both in a good place now.
Keep strong and be happy.

I had a lot of support at work with shift patterns while dd adjusted and people have been putting the pieces together about thinks I have let slip so if there has been judgment I haven't felt it
A few peeps who didn't know when I left were commenting on how well I looked so I knew it was real!

ferris I think you will find the answer if you google narcissistic abuse, sociopathic abuse. Prepare for a lightbulb moment.
There are many informative, supportive websites initiated by hundreds of other survivors. Out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) is one of the best.

You feel betrayed because he has betrayed you. Please focus on that. He has let you down, totally.

You feel scared because the future you dreamed of, longed for and thought was within your grasp, is not there any more.

And above all, you don't understand why he has done this to you - and to himself.

I get this. I spent the better part of 18 months wanting to know why - 18 months of highs and lows and more lows and eventual heartbreak. 18 months of packing to leave, then not being able to go through with it - of leaving then begging him to take me back, which he did - and why? Because he knew he'd got me where he wanted me - at his beck and call. Sadly the why they do it we may never know beyond the can do it, it makes them feel better about themselves, their self-destruct button overrides everything else.

Coldbath well done, and Happy Birthday to your daughter. Your hard work has paid off. I guess it is about getting through all of the moments.

But why do they need to self destruct?

I worked so hard so that he would have every reason to understand why his behaviour was wrong. But he was so bold. He shut me down, deskilled me and took away my dreams.

He doesn't think like you, like most of us. He isn't logical, he isn't reasonable.

In his mind he is superior to everyone else. He can do no wrong. His way is the correct way, the only way. Trying to reason with him is futile.

Keeping Yes, that's him. That's exactly him.

Did you fall off your chair?

Erm? How do you mean?

Did you fall off your chair with the recognition.
Maybe not. It's just I've read a lot of people are surprised to find it's a situation many others have faced too.

Oh. No. I've made peace with his need to be superior. Its how he enjoyed hating me. And how he got a kick out of being so, so angry. And making me so much nothing.

I think rebuilding self belief and finding the person I was in our early years was my best step,sadly I will never recover the friends I had until I had no one in the end.Luckily I have supportive family although they are all the other side of the country.
Mostly I wish I had got out earlier,why do we try to keep things going when it is so,so bad?.

Hot I think we stay because we can neither believe or accept that someone would work so hard to make it so horrible. That's what I still struggle with.