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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to want to say he's my boyfriend?

64 replies

Confusedandgettingold · 05/06/2017 19:39

I'm a bit embarrassed to even post this as I'm a middle aged woman (40) and struggling to get beyond this relationship stage!

I've been in several long term relationships, the longest one being 10years that ended a year ago.

I met current love interest 8 months ago and we've been dating (and sleeping with each other) for about 6 months.

We agreed about 6 weeks in that we were exclusively seeing each other and I have no reason to think that he has changed his mind.

BUT...he won't call me his girlfriend. His friends know about me and I have met his closest pals. However I haven't met his family yet. Nor am I rushing to do so. I'm perfectly happy to take things slowly and see where it all goes.

However it does play on my mind that he doesn't want to say we're a couple.

I think I'm too old to be playing this particular game and don't want to waste anymore time.

Is this a red flag? And should I cut my losses and move on?

I think I'm falling in love but it's all beginning to feel frustrating and frankly a bit immature.

AIBU?

OP posts:

contrary13 · 07/06/2017 08:40

It's a huge red flag, in my opinion.

Confused, your relationship sounds exactly like my DD's. Except that she's his "friend" and not his "girlfriend" on the rare occasion when he has no choice but to introduce her to someone they've bumped into whilst out. Except... she's more than a friend, because they're having sex. She's not met his family, and his actual friends - y'know, the ones he's not having sex with - don't know that they're "together" and have been for just over a year now. He only sees her when he wants a shag, and they don't go "out" on dates anymore, since he started renting his own place. They stay "in", instead. So I do understand, from a slightly removed perspective, what you're going through. And I'm going to tell you - fellow 40 year old - what I told my 21 year old daughter, much to her distress.

Huge red flag.

You are worth not only more, but also better treatment than this shoddy excuse of a "relationship".

How can it be a relationship if only one of you is actually invested in it.

Huge red flag.

My DD's "boyfriend" (perhaps actually I should refer to him as her friend with benefits, as that's precisely how he views her!) had a birthday yesterday, which she was very excitedly planning gifts, and an entire day out with him, for. Except, when I asked her what time she was off out and was she coming back overnight, yesterday morning... I got tears and a snarled "I don't know!" from her. She didn't see him yesterday, or on their "first anniversary", or when his mother came down to see him when their university term ended, or when his sister visited, or when his rugby team want to go out on the town, or when his actual friends have something planned, or... the list goes on.

Huge. Red. Flag.

And you, Confused are worth not only more, but better!

KarmaNoMore · 07/06/2017 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MollyWantsACracker · 07/06/2017 08:54

Labelling things can be tricky

I would be a little dubious about him letting you know he attracts female attention. How and why did he do that? If it was to unsettle you I would be preparing to take a step back

sherazade · 07/06/2017 08:59

You're obviously not just bothered about a badge . It's the fact that he can't even commit to saying 'I'm with someone' should he need to ( say if someone asked him out) which is a red flag. Ask him clearly - what would you say if another woman expressed an interest in you ? I'd be interested to know what his response would be

NC4now · 07/06/2017 09:04

What's his relationship status on social media?

User141665468 · 07/06/2017 11:04

sherazade I like that one! I might try it. Quite a subtle comment that would tell you if you should cut and run!

caffelatte100 · 07/06/2017 11:06

Have you talked to him about all this?

TokenGinger · 07/06/2017 22:44

Contrary - your daughter's situation sounds absolutely identical to mine. It actually upset me to read.

I wish I had the balls and self respect to snap away from it.

HustleRussell · 07/06/2017 22:54

LTB

anxiousnow · 07/06/2017 22:56

It's not the label or term, I get you. It's the status. If asked if he is single what would he say? As with someone regardless of actual term or single?

ponyprincess · 07/06/2017 23:10

I think if you've met friends and family then a label.might not matter so much, especially in 40's 50's age bracket

Original poster

Confusedandgettingold · 07/06/2017 23:27

I don't think of him as a life partner, not yet anyway. I think if asked he would say he's seeing someone. Which is what we are.

OP posts:

twattymctwatterson · 07/06/2017 23:45

Op you've been seeing the man for 8 months, presumably you are sleeping together. You are both adults. Is there a reason you can't just have a conversation with him about it?

ravenmum · 08/06/2017 08:16

If he describes himself as seeing someone, is that good enough for you? Or is it really that you want him to say he is your boyfriend? Do you call him that? I notice that your OP just describes him as your current love interest, or "him".

KarmaNoMore · 08/06/2017 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenmum · 08/06/2017 08:27

Yes, maybe that is the problem? That you don't think he is really all that into you? That would make more sense to me...

Original poster

Confusedandgettingold · 08/06/2017 09:55

If he describes himself as seeing someone, is that good enough for you? Or is it really that you want him to say he is your boyfriend?

To the first question, yes, it is good enough that he says he is seeing someone because that's how I see it too. We've both been round the block enough times to want to take lots of time and not rush into anything.

To the second question, that's what I'm unsure about. Maybe I've just because I've always been used to saying "boyfriend/girlfriend" since I started dating in my teens.

But as pp have said, maybe in our 40's it is a bit ridiculous to use these labels.

OP posts:

Original poster

Confusedandgettingold · 08/06/2017 09:59

Yes, maybe that is the problem? That you don't think he is really all that into you?

I don't know about "really" into me but I think that he is definitely into me. As I am with him. It's a pretty balanced relationship and we're still in the states of feeling things out, getting to know each other properly. TBH I would be more wary if it was too much if a hot pursuit or love bombing going on. Been there, done that. It's not what I'm looking for.

OP posts:

PushingThru · 08/06/2017 10:08

40 isn't 'middle-aged'! misses point ;-)

ravenmum · 08/06/2017 10:10

Doesn't sound too bad to me ... maybe just have a chat with him about the wording? Might be something that's been annoying him and you can both laugh about :)

CatsAndCandles · 08/06/2017 11:05

I'm tempted to say that it's a red flag (not saying girlfriend) but there are so many happy ways to do these things, it's difficult to tell.

What is a red flag for me is that you're obviously not that happy about it. Your spidey senses are picking up that something's off - that's what I'd take notice of here. I'm guessing you'd like more and maybe he's not the one for you at the moment, but only you can tell.

I met my partner relatively late in life too. We were both on the same page and I moved in with him very quickly - less than 3 months. The point is that it's not about how long you've been together but about having the same relationship values.

contrary13 · 10/06/2017 12:10

Token - dig deep... you do have the balls and the self-respect to walk away, I promise you that.

My daughter's situation isn't helped by the fact that (a) she's deemed "vulnerable" and (b) he's homed in on that and is, I'm fairly sure, abusive to boot. But I keep telling her that she is worth more, and she is worth better - and that I love her.

She told me a few weeks ago, that I and her little brother are "literally" the only people who tell her that they love her. The boyfriend, the friend with benefits, the shithead who thinks it's acceptable to treat any woman in such a way (my little girl!, my daughter!, my baby!) has never told her that he loves her.

Does she love him?

No. She's admitted to not even liking him.

So I will say to you, Token, what I say to my own daughter: you are worth more, you are worth better, you can survive without him, no matter how difficult you think being alone is - surely that's better than being in a "relationship" where you're made to feel like this?

How I wish someone had said this to me, almost 22 years ago...

Please feel free to PM me, Token.

Frith2013 · 10/06/2017 12:15

My ex was like this (though also very cagey about my meeting his friends).

We were together for over a year before I realised he was still porking his ex wife.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2017 12:42

Great post from contrary13, your daughter is lucky to have you as a mum.

Confused, the fact that you're even posting will tell you that things aren't right in this 'relationship'. The reason that you're craving a label so much is that you don't seem to feel that you have a 'place' in this man's life. The fact that he talks positively to his friends of you is just not cutting it for you.

I think the key niggle point is that to you, as far as he's concerned, he's still 'on the market' and this is leaving you wondering whether you're a 'she'll do for now' or whether this is going anywhere. I would probably feel the same.

The thing is you can't answer these questions by yourself so you're going to have to ask him. And that terrifies you because you think you might not like the answer. What to do? What can you do? Can you go on indefinitely like this? If not then you'll have to speak to him, ask him what he thinks of you as. Then you'll have to deal with what you find out. It may be positive but if not, you'll have a decision to make that isn't for HIM to make.

Ask him. Then decide for YOU.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2017 12:46

contrary13, just read your last post and I think your daughter is trying the tactic of self-preservation. She does love him. Her reactions to your asking what time she's going out on his birthday, their anniversary, etc. These are indicators that she knows and feels a bit foolish for investing in him when he's not in her.

Poor woman. I hope she takes your good advice on board and dumps this loser.

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