I am struggling to sleep with my husband, is this normal?

[goldiehawn1]

Dear Ladies of the MN,

I really could do with your advice right now. I am on the verge of a divorce. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, together 16 years. We have two sons, 17 and 12.

For a long time, our sex life has been non existent. He sits downstairs looking at Porn and w........g and I go upstairs to bed and sleep. Its obviously not normal arrangement but every time he suggests sex, I just clam up. I find him sexually repellent. I know it is completely my fault, I look at him and think, I just can't give myself to him in that way.

For years now, he has done the following and it has just put an end to any sexual feelings I might have for him:-

He eats and eats and has ballooned in weight
He does not clean his teeth. His gums are black and his breath smells
He picks his nails and leaves them all over bed, bathroom and car?!
He pees all over the loo seat
He takes his clothes off and just lets them pile up for weeks so the room is virtually uninhabitable
He stomps dirty shoes all over the house, JUST after I have hoovered and washed everywhere!
He spends his evenings looking at porn sites and w......g
He is a hopeless father rarely engaging with his children
He gives me no help around the house. Quite literally SITS watching me rush about the place doing 100 jobs
He picks his head and flicks the 'bits's about the house

And these are just a few of the things that have turned me quite off him physically...

Now I know I am no saint but despite raising all these points with him carefully so as not to hurt his feelings, he just continues to carry on and has told me that if I dont start sleeping with him AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK AND PDQ, he will divorce me.

We have been talking through Divorce since December but I am just so frightened to be alone. I know deep down in my heart that it is the right thing for me but my head says stay for the sake of the children and put up with a mucky house and a few random dirty nails here and there.

I just wondered if these feelings I am having are normal and if I am being unreasonable and selfish?

Oh my god, how can you bear to be anywhere near him?!

I'd bite his filthy arm off at the chance of a divorce.

You do know the children are likely to pick up his nasty habits, don't you?

Yanbu. Not al all. I couldn't live like that. Your children shouldn't have to see it or see you live with it. Sounds like divorce might be the right choice especially if he won't change.

I would be bloody divorcing him for his unreasonable behaviour and lack of basic hygiene!

Take your list to a solicitor, discuss it and elaborate as necessary, ask them to produce a petition for unreasonable behaviour and have it served on your husband.

Its better to be in control of the process.

To answer your question, its entirely normal not to wish to sleep with someone who behaves like that, in fact its entirely normal not to want to live with someone who behaves like that.

Your sons need to learn that this is totally unacceptable

I wouldn't want to sleep with my husband if he did all that. Gross. Divorce him first.

If a friend was telling you this what would your response be?.

He is being both unreasonable and selfish here. Why are you together at all. You've already talked about divorcing; time to follow that through and as soon as possible.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You are not alone either, you have your children but they have to follow your lead. You have a choice re this man here, they do not. Your children in all likelihood know far more than you care to realise about the state of your marriage and probably wonder why on earth you remain with their dad at all. Saying to them that you are afraid of being alone is simply not going to cut any ice with your sons. This is no life for them either.

This is clearly NOT the relationship model you really want to impart to them is it. Is this what you want to teach your children about relationships here?. What do you think they are learning from you both about relationships?.

Staying for the children is the worst possible thing you can do in these circumstances. It teaches them that your marriage was based on a lie and that a loveless marriage for them is or will be their "norm" too. They should not be used as the glue to bind you and this slob together. They are not going to say thank you as well to you for staying with him, they could call you both weak and stupid. It could also affect your relationship with them going forward as well because they could well accuse you of putting him before them.

Womens Aid are worth contacting and they can and will also help you here make plans to leave him.

Everyone has their bad habits but usually the rest of their personality and presence makes up for that. If your husband adds nothing to your life or to make you happy, than of course you don't want to sleep with him.
Divorce can be a scary prospect but if you go back to when you were younger and could tell yourself you were going to spend your life with the man you describe in your post, wouldn't that have been pretty scary and worrying too?
Best of luck whatever you do, there is better out there x

Goldie As half an hour ago you joined the dating thread and asked for advice about which online dating sites to join, I'm not quite sure of the point of this thread.

Although as I said on that thread too, you really don't need to begin threads with "Dear Ladies" or "Dear lovely ladies" as there are men on here

Yuck he sounds repulsive, no wonder you don't fancy him, who would?

Tell him he can have his divorce, clean up his own filth and find someone blind with no sense of smell or standards.

Surely your life can only be improved with him not in it.

I would seek out legal advice from a Solicitor asap and present him with a divorce petition for unreasonable behaviour.

He is not the boss of you nor your keeper. He has a brass neck to ask you to sleep with him once a week. I doubt he would actually follow through on his threat to divorce you though, he is too much of a slob to do that. Set yourself and your children free of him.

Why has he got all the cards ? Grab the divorce and run !!

Lor, yes I know everyone has their bad habits which is why I want to make sure I am not being unreasonable.

Its the YOU MUST HAVE SEX WITH ME ONCE A WEEK AT THE MINIMUM demand that is just turning my stomach and I just can't bring myself to do it. It feels forced and mechanic (on my part)

The bad habits are a massive turn off for me too.

Atila - yes he keeps saying he is going to divorce me for not sleeping with him but he never does so I think its going to have to be initiated from me

Not a pizza - do you think he is unreasonable then? would you put up with those habits?

Has your husband/partner ever given you ultimatums around sex? Am I being unfair not providing it for him?

You don't have to provide sex for a wife or husband. If either party don't want to do it there isn't much you can do apart from talk about it, accept it or leave and move on.

Sounds like the relationship is dead as he irritates you. It could get back on track again, maybe or it just may not.

Right now ask yourself honestly what you want if somebody could give you a magic wand?

Surely, Goldie as you're asking which dating sites to join, this whole thread is surplus to requirements? Seems odd that you're asking stuff about whether your husband is unreasonable (and of course he is) if you're already planning online dating.

Yes thats a bit odd

He sounds repulsive. Good luck with the online dating. Find someone with good hygiene.

Separate first though eh.

Shatners - this thread is absolutely NOT surplus to requirements.

If you had a wife with iffy hygiene habits who demanded sex from you, how would you feel?

Your tone is unpleasant and unkind.

And yes I am looking into a life sans my husband (why on earth can't I?)

For your information, and as it seems to bother you so much, I am not intending on dating now, I am currently married.

However there might come a time when I decide to leave this man and then, (if its ok with you of course!) I might try dating again.....

You absolutely should leave your marriage. He is hideous. We've all said so.

I just don't understand why you would investigate dating first, that's all. Seems very cart before horse. If I was in such an appalling relationship, dating would be the last thing on my mind. Just getting out.

Leave him immediately Goldie! He's disgusting... There is so much better out there. I think you're right to be looking into the dating now. Detach mentally first and then the only pain in leaving is sorting out the legal stuff.

Give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't stop being rank and unhelpful then YOU will divorce HIM. Give him a month (plenty of time for him to start brushing his teeth etc) and if he doesn't change start proceedings. If my DH was like that I wouldn't go near him at all.

Oh my god, let him go right ahead and divorce you. In fact no, kick him out and start divorce proceedings yourself! He sounds like a vile pig. No wonder you don't want to sleep with him.

Has he always been like this or have a lot of these habits happened over time? He is clearly in a position where he cares so little about you that he does whatever he wants in your presence. Most people who feel the need to do something gross like pick their nose, fart or whatever, will do it in private and not openly in front of their partners.
He demands sex yet isn't prepared to make himself attractive to you but I suspect he is using this ultimatum simply to make you to blame for your failed relationship. If you split up, he can say "she refused to ever have sex".
I wouldn't judge you for looking at online dating. I suppose you probably just want to see what you might have to face in the future. Its irrellevent anyway.
So you are NOT being unreasonable and selfish, he on the other hand IS.

Wow! He is absolutely vile. I'd be grateful for the divorce offer. Quite fancies himself as some sort of Lord of the Manor, with you as his slave, does he? And he demands sex with you because no-one would actually choose to have sex with it, and he doesn't have to make any effort if he just gives you an ultimatum.

What a horrible, disgusting man. Glad you are leaving. Good luck!