I am struggling to sleep with my husband, is this normal?

[goldiehawn1]

Dear Ladies of the MN,

I really could do with your advice right now. I am on the verge of a divorce. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, together 16 years. We have two sons, 17 and 12.

For a long time, our sex life has been non existent. He sits downstairs looking at Porn and w........g and I go upstairs to bed and sleep. Its obviously not normal arrangement but every time he suggests sex, I just clam up. I find him sexually repellent. I know it is completely my fault, I look at him and think, I just can't give myself to him in that way.

For years now, he has done the following and it has just put an end to any sexual feelings I might have for him:-

He eats and eats and has ballooned in weight
He does not clean his teeth. His gums are black and his breath smells
He picks his nails and leaves them all over bed, bathroom and car?!
He pees all over the loo seat
He takes his clothes off and just lets them pile up for weeks so the room is virtually uninhabitable
He stomps dirty shoes all over the house, JUST after I have hoovered and washed everywhere!
He spends his evenings looking at porn sites and w......g
He is a hopeless father rarely engaging with his children
He gives me no help around the house. Quite literally SITS watching me rush about the place doing 100 jobs
He picks his head and flicks the 'bits's about the house

And these are just a few of the things that have turned me quite off him physically...

Now I know I am no saint but despite raising all these points with him carefully so as not to hurt his feelings, he just continues to carry on and has told me that if I dont start sleeping with him AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK AND PDQ, he will divorce me.

We have been talking through Divorce since December but I am just so frightened to be alone. I know deep down in my heart that it is the right thing for me but my head says stay for the sake of the children and put up with a mucky house and a few random dirty nails here and there.

I just wondered if these feelings I am having are normal and if I am being unreasonable and selfish?

He sounds disgusting. YANBU, other than by continuing to live with him. Being single and alone would surely be infinitely preferable to the list of indignities you're currently suffering. Tell him to file the papers, you're ready. Or, even better, go and consult a solicitor yourself and get the ball rolling.

Neither of you are getting anything from this & neither of you will step forward to change the cycle. Get out

I would rather live alone in an igloo for the rest of my days thsn cohabit with a pig like that

Cheek of him. Does he really think other women are going to be lining up to sleep with him if he goes ahead with his 'threat' to divorce you? LTB.

David Attenborough would like your opening post which is a pretty good description of a cave bear.

Sounds like you're describing my ex. Disgusting slob. Didn't demand sex though... Practically non existent though. I ended it.. I deserved much better than him. As do you.

My ex husband was like this except he didn't want sex either, thank God. He repulsed me.
I left after 22 years.
Admittedly, he had mental health issues. I stayed out of pity but eventually couldn't do it any longer.

Going was the best ever. Life is now good.

After 3 years I met my now dh. He is squeaky clean !!

If you've been together 16 years, how can you haves 17 year old?

And what is this "staying for the children"? They're almost grown adults ffs...what do THEY think of their wanker dad???

I would separate - it might be the making of him. He is a horrible mess and must hate himself. Being forced to actually cook and clean himself and also to engage with the DCs one to one might transform him.

Your lack of love for him (which is understandable) could be making it worse for his self esteem. He will still be around, he is the DCs father.
I would see a solicitor tomorrow and start the ball rolling, if this doesn't cause a transformation in his behaviour I would seek a divorce. Start thinking about what you want to do with your life.

I wouldn't have sex with him either. What a discusting man! And demanding sex from you?! You are NOT there to satisfy his sexual needs!! Tell him the truth.. tell him he smells, tell him you're sick of him sitting on his fat lazy arse whilst you do everything, and tell him marriage doesn't mean you're there to satisy his sexual appetite!

He sounds utterly repulsive, but i wonder if he is suffering from depression? A lot of the behaviours you mention are classical symptoms of depression. However, I don't understand why you've put up with this for so long. It sounds absolutely horrendous. As others have said, its an unhealthy environment for your children. What if one of them came into the room whilst he's engaged in his unpleasant activities? (i.e. porn etc). If you have sons they will pick up on this behaviour and if you have daughters god knows how that will screw them up. I remember reading that Frankie Boyle had become addicted to porn and spends his evenings in much the same way. Can't watch him anymore as a result. Porn addiction is just so common unfortunately, but the whole picture of his behaviour and treatment of you is horrible. He needs to get therapy and sort himself out. He needs addiction treatment and counselling. Just leave. Don't look back.

"Fine, off you go". Or a bit more grown up "when you have sorted your hygiene, taken control of your health, step up as a father and step up as a partner, then I will be all over you like a rash. Otherwise, see you at mediation".

By all means put a bit of thought into planning your divorce but the most helpful things to do are get a grip of finances and consider living arrangements. im no psychiatrist but the fact you're still with someone most of us would have kicked into touch years ago plus your first thought is online dating says you may need to work on your confidence and independence.

Why are you wasting your life staying with him? Leave! He sounds vile

Thank you all for your support and great advice. Sometimes when you have lived with a situation for a long time and put up with it, you are not entirely sure if it is 'ok' or not.

It can be tricky discussing such personal issues with friends because of course they know him too and that would be unkind.

So its been wonderful for me to read all your wonderful responses. I really am truly grateful.

To give you an update, I spoke with a Lawyer yesterday to start the divorce proceedings. I'm terrified but I think it will be the best way forward for me and my children.

Hugs and love to you all, Goldie xxxxx

Wow - well done goldie! From what you've said I really feel you're doing the right thing. Take control of your life and kick this sad sack to the curb. You deserve better - and that includes being single.

Well done!! Look forward to hearing how things progress.