Lost the love of my life

[user1482334903]

Sorry this is going to be long and messy but I'm looking for some hopeful insights.

After a rough year or two, my husband of 5 years (together 11) told me he was leaving me. We had had a tiff but apparently this has been building for weeks in him.

We have had a mostly good relationship with some rocky roads along the way, mostly my fault. Neither have cheated. There have been lots and lots of stress and difficult issues over the years and he has felt like I have driven him away.he admitted Christmas time that he has depression and that he has had this since a teenager but never told anyone about it: he has since said that our relationship over the last few years have made this depression worse and that he is constantly walking on eggshells around me because I am a hundred miles an hour.

Something that is really important is that I run a business while looking after our three year old daughter with no help outside of the home.

I have friends etc but his parents live half hour away and don't drive and my mother has passed away 13 years ago so we don't have people popping in on a daily basis.

He has basically said that I am an anazing mother but a crap wife and he can't move passed any of the things that have happened. Because of the schedule of my work, he is basically fed up of not having any time to himself, feels like he is not allowed to sit down and has to be on the go all the time. He thinks I am rude to him but he can be flat and I often feel like I am the one with the more zest for life. I have workEd d so so hard over the last three years to build my business enough to go full time once our daughter is in full time school in September.

Since he left on Thursday night, he had been here every day taking our daughter out etc for me to catch up with work. I am in emotional turnoil. My heart is in a million peices and I am blaming myself for everything.

He has agreed that there could be a small chance for us but that it's unlikely. We have agreed to see work arch other Wednesday night for a date night when our daughter is in bed - just to have some time together to see if anything is still there. It is for me, he is my everything. But I don't know if it's too late

He is just about to leave now after bathing our daughter to go back to his parents. He is staying there at the moment and needs space.

Can this work? What should I do to make him see the girl he fell in love with?

Sorry for the horrendous typos and spelling mistakes. I was trying to get that out quickly x

I have also listed all the problems and made promises to change them. He said this is what treating him like a normal human being would be, but in the other hand, he is saying that I am an amazing person and that I shouldn't have to change for anyone. He's given up at the moment. He's had enough

What sort of things have you done? You have been quite vague

Does he work? Has he been doing all the childcare whilst the business was being built?

Are you certain there is no other woman?

Why does he think you aren't a great wife?

Stop trying - don't do the pick me dance, its degrading. Although I totally understand and sympathise.

If both of you want to try and make things work, you MUST go to counseling. Clearly, the two of you are unable to effectively communicate and you need a mediator who can help you work out your differences in a constructive manner.

OP, you are quite rightly heartbroken and very scared by what has happened but I want to say this to you - let him go. Im not saying that in the sense of LTB, just that you cannot take the fall for what has happened and I think you would do well if you had some time out from your relationship in order to decide what you want in the future.

He's not being fair. He has come to this conclusion over a good few months, but bottled it up and bolted rather than talk it over with you when it could have been worked on. And he's saying maybe you can still work, so keeping you dangling. You could write a list with a few things that he could change too. Don't go accepting all the blame here, it's not right.

Could you both go and talk to a counsellor to try and talk through things? If he had depression issues he needs to get help for himself rather than offloading a lot of it onto you.

You sound like you need someone to lean on? Have you friends around you that you can talk to? Sending you a hug, you must feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you.

Thank you.

There isno other woman involved. This has been building in him for a wife. He says I am "too much". I am quite an ibtense person, always wanting to make plans and trying to get around everything. He feels like he has no time for himself, that I am moody, rude and generally too much. He has been telling me that we will always be a team and he has been here every day helping with our daughter.

I have done some things in the past like be aggressive during an argument but those have been times when his apathy has pushed me to frustartion.
He is saying there's a chance for us but only a small chance. And he is saying he loves me deeply but the in love has gone. He's basically at the end of his tether. He has done a lot for me and feels like I am never happy. Feel so down about myself as well as heartbroken

Building in him for a while, not a wife. B

Today will be the first day that I don't see my husband since he left. He has made it very clear that he needs me to give him space without texting all the time and I am trying very hard not to. But the thoughts of not knowing what he's thinking is eating me up.

He is going to a gig tonight which has been planned for a while with his mate.

I am still a wreck, eating only little bits here and there and now feeling physically weak and Ill. The stress of the last few days have completely taken its toll on my body. Last night the tension got too much and my body was physically shaking while I tried to watch tv. I am thinking I will take my daughter out to a play centr this afternoon after she finishes part time school to try and get some sort of normality. But at the moment I am just focusing on things hour by hour. We have arranged for him to come over tomorrow night to watch a film and have some just us two to try to enjoy each other's company. I am frightened he will let me down on this as I am clinging on to this hope.

Is this all normal and does it get better? I hope with all my hope that we can work things out.

OP, you sound as if you are in agony and Im so sorry. Today will be hard but please try to break it down into even smaller bits than hour by hour and find things to do in perhaps 15 minute bouts that you can enjoy. Its easier that way.

But, I also want to say - right now your husband is having his cake and eating it. He's off out tonight to a gig and tomorrow he's gracing you with his company to sit and watch a movie with you - I would put money on the fact it will end up with you having sex with him because you'll do anything to try and get him to enjoy his time with you! And you know what? You wont enjoy any time spent with him because your doing it based on the terror of losing him. What will happen after he's been at your house and more than likely go to bed with you? He'll go back to his mothers or wherever it is he's staying . Put a stop to this now! Tell him, I've changed my mind about the movie tomorrow night, we're separated and its time to start living it.

All the business of clinging on to this hope - he knows it and he is playing you for a fool. Let him go and then decide if you really do want him back or if its your fear thats letting this horrible situation continue.

This man has the best of both worlds right now.

Thanks. I can see where you're coming from. I can't just let him go though as there is some hope still left for us and I want to try to make it work. I won't be sleeping with him tomorrow, he wouldn't anyway. He wouldn't want to take advantage of me. He's not staying over either. He's made that clear as it will confuse things and we haven't been separated a week yet.

His boss is a single woman our age and I'm worried that she may offer support over text and this could lead to him developing feelings for her. I guess my mind is worrying from one thing to the next all the time.

Today I just just get through today. And see hat tomorrow brings.

He has text to say good morning and to check in on me and our daughter this morning. He text first. We've had a little conversation about plans to see our daughter tomorrow and us tomorrow night and it's all been very direct and simple

OP, my reply may seem abrupt, its not my intention, I just want to reply to you before I go out.

I can see where you're coming from. I can't just let him go though as there is some hope still left for us and I want to try to make it work

Sometimes we have to be very careful what we wish for and I think this kind of situation is one of those times so I'd let him go and see how long it takes before he wants to work on your marriage, or he decides this is the life I thought I wanted and do indeed want. You in the meantime can be deciding what it is your really want and for all you know it may just be a life on your own. Right now this is not a level playing field. Youre terrified and he is quite happy to go along with having his cake and eating it, or as we say in Scotland - playing at hoosies.

And its good you wont be sleeping with him, but Id not pay a bit of attention to him not wanting to take advantage of you. In fact Id go as far as to say it has nothing to do with that at all. There is either someone else, or there isn't and he's well and truly left you but is too much of a coward to tell you.

His boss is a single woman our age and I'm worried that she may offer support over text and this could lead to him developing feelings for her. I guess my mind is worrying from one thing to the next all the time

I think you should ask yourself why you are worried about this.

Today I just just get through today

Yes, and try to even enjoy a very small part of it.

And see hat tomorrow brings

Give yourself a good day. Dont let your husband decide what it will be.

He has text to say good morning and to check in on me and our daughter this morning. He text first. We've had a little conversation about plans to see our daughter tomorrow and us tomorrow night and it's all been very direct and simple

I know you dont want to hear this but the best thing for you would be to text back and say lets have a rain check for tomorrow.

Hopefully someone else will come along and manage to say in a better way things I'm struggling with.

I've been on MN for a while now and in these situations, very often an OW appears. Just for your own peace of mind, consider some snooping.

On mn and in real life I have NEVER known the man to leave the family unless there is

Another woman
Another man
Addiction issues
Abuse

You are worried about the single boss because your instincts are screaming at you.

I'd put money on an OW.

Meanwhile, get to the GP for support with the physical and emotional effects of all this stress BEFORE you reach breaking point.

As I see it he THINKS he's letting you down gently when in fact he's leading you on to thinking there's hope.

My ex did almost same exact thing,

It's a facade so they can look to others like they tried.

And yes in my case there was an OW which he wouldn't admit to for years.

Get a clean break emotionally agreed with him. Contact with your daughter doesn't have to be at home he can take her out to soft play and his parents. My dd was 2 when we split and my ex did the coming round of an evening to bath n bed her, then he'd hang around chatting after she was down making it feel 'normal' which of course it wasn't and made things so much harder for me.

He may also (if it's not the boss woman) be waiting to see if OW will leave their partner if they're also in a committed relationship and hedging his bets (seen that happen a few times too)

Eat drink and sleep when you can and look after yourself and dd he can look after himself.

I would be absolutely shell shocked if there was anyone else. He just isn't like that at all and I can see that i am to blame for mostly the break down of this relationship.

I wouldn't call it emotional abuse in my behalf, but the relationship has been more on my terms instead of his. This hasn't come out of the blue, in his head he has tried and tried, but we haven't done anything practically to change things when things have got tough.

Who did the majority of the childcare? Does he WoH?

Cherchez la femme

I should add that he does have depression

He has done everything possible to help me. I haven't appreciated him enough and have laid my stress into the relationship. That's what it comes down to. He has had enough of the stress, intensity etc. He hasn't had time to even go to the toilet when he walks in from work some days because I've had to work or ask him for help with something so that I can work straight away. There's is no other woman in this case. He has even said that if relationships are as stressful as this then he would rather never be in one again.

I've asked him if he's letting me down gently and made sure he promises he is not but he said this isn't the case. He is an honest person, too much so sometimes.

He has said while it's unlikely that things will change, he is willing to try to salvage something - to see if we can enjoy each other's company again for the time being.

Is he taking medication for the depression?
How long has he been taking the medication?
Sorry but I'm not liking this either.
He has you running around trying to 'fix' everything and what is he doing exactly?
It cannot be all your doing?
So what do you do that's soooo bad?

I would read 'the script' op.

He's telling you he's not in love with you anymore because you've been too intense with trying to build your business whilst caring for your 3yr old DD and that he doesn't have time to himself.

He's going to leave the marriage and his child to live with his parents.

You're concerned of single, same age as him, boss. That he may confide in her.

He's going to a gig with a friend tonight and has asked you to not text so much.

He's stringing you a long as a back up plan to tell you there is a tiny chance that he may want to continue with the marriage and his family but probably not. He'll decide after a couple of date nights, as he wants to check how he feels/ your behaviour?!

I'll eat my hat if he's happily leaving the family home to go live with mummy and daddy again and the boss lady doesn't have something to do with the negative light he's decided to paint you in. So much so that you've been gaslighted into believing it's all your fault. Every post you write you seem to take responsibility for it and his actions.

Whilst you're shaking on the sofa he's at a gig enjoying himself and he'll pop and see you tomorrow night when he doesn't have plans.

Sorry to sound so harsh but this is quite plain to see from an outsiders opinion. And btw, many many women who find out at OW would say they didn't see it coming and didn't think their DP/DH would ever dream of doing that. Until they stumble across it..

All you've said is exactly what I would have said before it happened to me too. There was even a poster on here who admitted on threads about trust/infidelity she'd always posted that she'd never need to worry about that with her man and guess what! There she was in same position many of us has been in.

My ex and I were very honest had a great sex life we even told each other if we had crushes on people and tease each other about it.

Then it went
Mentionitis
Complaints about me/marriage
Spending more time at work grumpy at home
Secretive with phone
No longer wanted me at his work social events

I found texts, phone number and email proof which I confronted him with when he had a suspicious night away for work (which didn't make sense at the time). He still denied.

7 years later he admitted during a drunk call week before his wedding to her while trying to get back in my pants!

You need to take some control back in this situation. I know that is easier said than done because of how badly you are feeling at the moment.

In short, I think he is being a dick. It's fine if he wants to end the marriage because he isn't happy and doesn't see any way forward, but in that case, that is exactly what he should be doing. Instead, he is calling all the shots. He has asked you not to text him so much because he needs space, has he even considered what YOU are going through? It's fine for him to text you when he wants to and when it is convenient for him.

He knows that he can take his time with his decision to either end the marriage or not because he knows that you are there at home, moping around waiting for him, ready to welcome him back with open arms.

Pull the rug from under him as he has done to you. Tel him that you cannot go ahead with date night plans, that you accept that he is unhappy and respect his decision to leave the marriage, but you will need to put boundaries in place regarding setting up times where he can see the children, and not in your house either. i guarantee that if you want to save the marriage and make him see the light and what he could be losing, this will be the quickest and least painful way in the long run. You can't 'nice him' back, he needs to see what he stands to lose. Right now, you're acting like a doormat, and that is not something that he will find attractive.

He doesn't want to confuse things by staying over? But it's fine to watch a movie like nothing happened, knowing that he is giving you hope.