Lost the love of my life

[user1482334903]

Sorry this is going to be long and messy but I'm looking for some hopeful insights.

After a rough year or two, my husband of 5 years (together 11) told me he was leaving me. We had had a tiff but apparently this has been building for weeks in him.

We have had a mostly good relationship with some rocky roads along the way, mostly my fault. Neither have cheated. There have been lots and lots of stress and difficult issues over the years and he has felt like I have driven him away.he admitted Christmas time that he has depression and that he has had this since a teenager but never told anyone about it: he has since said that our relationship over the last few years have made this depression worse and that he is constantly walking on eggshells around me because I am a hundred miles an hour.

Something that is really important is that I run a business while looking after our three year old daughter with no help outside of the home.

I have friends etc but his parents live half hour away and don't drive and my mother has passed away 13 years ago so we don't have people popping in on a daily basis.

He has basically said that I am an anazing mother but a crap wife and he can't move passed any of the things that have happened. Because of the schedule of my work, he is basically fed up of not having any time to himself, feels like he is not allowed to sit down and has to be on the go all the time. He thinks I am rude to him but he can be flat and I often feel like I am the one with the more zest for life. I have workEd d so so hard over the last three years to build my business enough to go full time once our daughter is in full time school in September.

Since he left on Thursday night, he had been here every day taking our daughter out etc for me to catch up with work. I am in emotional turnoil. My heart is in a million peices and I am blaming myself for everything.

He has agreed that there could be a small chance for us but that it's unlikely. We have agreed to see work arch other Wednesday night for a date night when our daughter is in bed - just to have some time together to see if anything is still there. It is for me, he is my everything. But I don't know if it's too late

He is just about to leave now after bathing our daughter to go back to his parents. He is staying there at the moment and needs space.

Can this work? What should I do to make him see the girl he fell in love with?

I think his major issue is that he has had depression but is not addressing this. He cannot keep you stringing along in the background until (if and when) he feels equal to a relationship with you and you don't deserve this treatment. He is upsetting you and you deserve consistency and peace of mind even if that means you ending this marriage.

Don't play the "pick me dance".

If you want him back you need to listen and blindly follow the advice on here no matter how counterproductive it seems.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

" You can't 'nice him' back, he needs to see what he stands to lose." 100% agree with this. It also makes it easier for you if the break becomes permanent. Rip the plaster off don't take it a mm at a time.

have you asked him if he would go to counselling or the doctors with you OP?

Yes we have agreed a break, we haven't officially split up yet. He is staying with his parents as things just weren't working as they were. He is texting every day to see how I am. He hasn't upped and left. We have agreed to watch a film together as all of our time over the last few years have been in amongst stress. We recognise that there is something there between us still and so we are using that as a benchmark to try and see if we can rebuild our relationship.

He says leaving Thursday night was the hardest decision he has ever had to make. I don't think he has faith that I will work on my issues in the relationship. He knows the issues he must work on too. But both of our issues seem to come as a result of the other if that makes sense. I.e I get stressed because he seems flat, he is flat because I am constantly in his face asking him to do this that and the other.

Space is the main thing at the moment. Not physical space but space from all the stress and intensity. I've never given him that. So doing that now is the first step. I know that.

He is texting every day etc but I am making a really big effort to keep things simple and polite: he will recognise that change in me.

I've also always said "all marriages are like this etc etc" and never really addressed any issues he's had. And now I am. And so is he

This is only a quick thought and only me... and it might be me... but have you been somewhat controlling in your relationship with your H?

And if so, are you desperately trying to control the situation now?

If he is needing to escape from the pressure you need to back off a bit and leave him some space. Focus on what you can control - which is how you are feeling about things.

FWIW I don't think there is another woman here - I think your H has just had too much of you. It sounds like he doesn't want to be on the go all the time and just wants to relax a bit.

I hope it does all work out for you though op.

I don't like the way you're talking about yourself OP. IT seems all too convienient that it's ALL your fault and he's made you believe that. What role has he played in this? Or is he such a wet fish he's done nothing but yield to your demands for years?

Men never leave unless there's an OW, abuse or addiction I'm afraid. I'd have sworn myself horse that my, now, exDH would never have an affair, but he did and it hit me like a freight train.

Look at the facts

• he's off taking it easy at his Mums, no housework, no childcare, no cooking I expect

• he keeps texting you to keep his 'options open' - how do you think he'd react if you stopped being so available for him? If he wants space, give it to him. That includes space from communication to you as well

• he's off with 'a friend' to a concert whilst you're at home looking after the dc and sat, in bits, shaking

• he comes over every night to see the dc so you are left a mess again

• he comes over Wednesday night when he's got nothing to do

Take control OP, if nothing else stop being so available for him, let him miss you. If the marriage does breakdown, he won't be able to come over every night or text you every day because eventually you won't want him to.

He's having his cake and eating it right now, if he had any respect he'd give you a definite decision on the relationship and let you rebuild your life

But what are you asking him to do exactly?
Stuff he should doing anyway?
And he doesn't like the 'nagging'?
So instead of stepping up like a grown with responsibilities and things that need doing, he's run away.
Great!

Men never leave unless there's an OW, abuse or addiction I'm afraid.

Not true of every man at all.

When I say aggressive, I mean I am natrurally more fiery than him and can blow off the handle with him very easily.

He is not sitting in his mothers doing nothing. He has been back every day on the train as we share a car and helping out making sure we are ok.

His eyes were so puffy you can see how much he's been crying.

The gig he is going to tonight has been booked for a long time with his friend. I know he is going with him I am friends with the wife.

And we both agreeed tomorrow night over the weekend as a night to see each other.

I have been controlling to some extent; not to the point of telling him that he can't go out/ see people etc but I have in the sense that i have expected him to do all the things I want I do. If he said he was tired, I would tell him he has no right to be tired etc with all the things I do- looking after a business and a child. We don't have much help in terms of babysitters (his parents do babysit from time to time). A few months ago he said we should have one night a month where our daughter sleeps up his parents for us to have some time to relax but I said no, because I didn't have a child to ship her off to others etc. He is also very bad at diy or anything manual and I have always said this to him. I guess I've worn up down without realising. But I have also been very loving and worked so hard on keeping a business afloat whilst having a baby and running the house as best I can. I've also done everything for his family, speak to his mother more than him, make them Christmas dinner etc. He is partly to blame too I am more romantic but yes I am more intense than him. He can be quite cold on times. I'm just venting here I suppose and giving you the reasons he has left.

He only told me about his depression late last year and I was the only person he ever told. Since leaving, he has told his parents

IF what you are saying about your expectations of him and not allowing a one night a week off of childcare to have couple time IS as bad as he's making out (only you would know and I'm highly sceptical as cheats tend to 'lay the ground' for why they are 'forced into an affair') then that could constitute emotional abuse and is not a healthy way to be. All relationships need nurturing.

Yes I agree with you. And only now I am really recognising these things. I just hope he sees my true colours. He says I am an amazing person but I am "too much". It hasn't all been bad, we've had the best times of our lives together. I've simply got caught up in trying to please everyone and create the perfect family

OK, we stop talking to his mother more than him.
Why would you do that?
Is it a control thing for you?
I also think and night for your DC with their grandparents once a month is a good idea. If you trust them, that is.
We've all relied on babysitters from time to time.
You do need to spend some alone time together.
Telling him he has no right to be tired is a bit odd.
Although I understand where you are coming from.
You are doing a lot.
What does he do exactly?
What are his jobs in his house?
What % of housework does he do?
Does he have a list of things he does each day/week?

"A few months ago he said we should have one night a month where our daughter sleeps up his parents for us to have some time to relax but I said no, because I didn't have a child to ship her off to others etc. He is also very bad at diy or anything manual and I have always said this to him. "

Oh my goodness, so he really tried to reclaim even one night a month of couple time with you and you totally blew him off, in addition to telling him all the things hes bad at. Sounds like hes not really been a priority for you for quite a while.

You need to cancel the movie
If you are to have any chance of reconciliation back right off. Think about it, if in the past a relationship had run its course (to you) and you ended it, would the person you broke up with have changed your mind by promises of change and begging you to stay?
What if they said I respect your decision and trotted confidently into the sunset? Wouldn't you think oh maybe that was a mistake? Maybe you wouldn't but surely you can see that the begging/I'll change scenario is the least attractive!

Have you agreed who will look after your DC during this separation? Don't fall into the trap of him having time, money etc to do what he likes while you run the home, work and parent.