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Original poster

sexless or split

42 replies

flossiepie · 04/06/2017 18:30

In a nutshell been married 12 years, haven't had sex for last 4 years. DH is a loving dad, kind and supportive and tells new often he loves me. Initially he witheld it when he was depressed but now we have left it so long neither of us want to. ..or are scared too. He keeps saying we will make more effort but it never happens.

Massively wrongly I had a one off with a guy I met who is in a similar situation to me. We both craved intimacy and passion and met up. Yes I know this is completely wrong but it showed me what it was to feel desired and attractive. He lives at a distance so it won't happen again.

No idea what to do and should I bite the bullet and leave

OP posts:
Pinkheart5919 · 04/06/2017 18:40

Does your dh know you've cheated?

Staying and cheating isn't a nice way to behave so you either as a couple look at seeking some talking therapy? It might be able to help you both and help you get sexually close again if you both want too.

It sounds like your marriage is ok otherwise? As you say he's a good dad, kind and supportive. If I loved him I wouldn't give that up without trying my absolute hardest first.

I think to leave you have to be absolutely sure as you can't take it back after

Original poster
flossiepie · 04/06/2017 18:44

No he doesn't know, he would be mortified, rightly so. We tried counselling a few years ago and it helped other bits of our relationship but not the sex. We could try again but don't know if ive got the emotional energy for it again. Maybe I should just initiate it but I'm scared of getting rejected or pushed away like in the past.

OP posts:
Flowerdew2 · 04/06/2017 18:45

I wouldn't leave my husband for that, no. He is a loving man and good father you say. Surely that's worth fighting for?

Original poster
flossiepie · 04/06/2017 18:50

Yes he is. Just don't want to live the rest of my life having no or very little sex. I guess I'm more sexual than he is and just feel we were never that compatible with sex and I couldn't be myself. I think it's scary dealing with it after so long

OP posts:
Stubbornmare · 04/06/2017 18:50

Flowers oh OP.

Put the affair behind you, try to move on from that. Talk to your husband about how you feel. Sit down, have a wine Wine and really talk to him. Take intimacy slowly, one step at a time. It's worth fighting for. Sex isn't everything.

thestamp · 04/06/2017 19:01

I'd leave, personally. A marriage without sexual contact isn't something I could live with.

You could try counselling again, and focus on the sexual side. You would probably need to disclose the adultery bit, unfortunately. But id put a deadline on it. You have one precious life, don't use it up longing to be loved in the way you crave...

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 04/06/2017 19:03

Why don't you tell your husband that you cheated and let him decide if the marriage is worth saving?

Rainybo · 04/06/2017 20:15

I would leave too. It doesn't sound like it is just the sex, but the affection and intimacy are gone. Those don't just mean sex. You're housemates.

IronNeonClasp · 04/06/2017 20:22

I would leave. I could not live without intimacy. Well, I couldn't and that's why he moved out three weeks ago and we're getting divorced. Don't get me wrong, there were a number of other contributing factors.

Guess you have to weigh everything up.

You've already slept with another man so maybe you know the answer deep in your soul really..

jeaux90 · 04/06/2017 20:49

Life without sex and intimacy is just co-parenting you can do that when you are divorced too.

I couldn't live without sex and affection. Life is too short.

Original poster
flossiepie · 04/06/2017 21:41

I think I need to give it a last chance and for us both to have a deadline so to speak. It's easy to let things drift on and not get addressed

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 05/06/2017 06:34

I did leave. I couldn't live without the intimacy. Best thing I ever did.

TheNaze73 · 05/06/2017 08:14

It would be a deal clincher for me. Be honest with him & tell him what's happened. He may be mortified but, so should you be about no sex in 4 years

Babyg1995 · 05/06/2017 09:49

I would leave he can still be a good loving father if you split I couldn't live like that.

Brandysnaps200 · 05/06/2017 12:30

Personally, I would tell him you slept with someone else. It could be the kick up the backside he needs to bring the intimacy back in your marriage as he might be worried you do it again or, worse case, leave him.

Member652554 · 05/06/2017 14:06

I have been in a similar situation to you. It became too awkward and lonely to bare. So I left. I would advise you do the same. Also sounds like if this other guy lived closer you would be happy to cheat again so what's the point...

Original poster
flossiepie · 05/06/2017 17:45

Those of you that left, did you have any regrets if you marriage was otherwise good?

OP posts:
Princesspinkgirl · 05/06/2017 22:14

I was in this situation with ex dh i cheated several times eventually met a new guy now happy with baby N engaged to b married sometimes these things happen im happier than ive ever been good luck op

Princesspinkgirl · 05/06/2017 22:15

No regrets op from me

DixieFlatline · 06/06/2017 02:43

he witheld it when he was depressed

If I didn't feel like having sex while depressed I would find it utterly abhorrent if my DH decided to frame it as me withholding sex.

IronNeonClasp · 06/06/2017 07:13

No regrets flossie Wink

fantasmasgoria1 · 06/06/2017 07:27

I left after same amount of time with no sex. My marriage was awful though which made the decision easier but I still would have ended things as he would never try and do something about it even though we talked about it endlessly

Original poster
flossiepie · 06/06/2017 07:52

I understand depression causes lack of sex drive so I wasn't undermining the effect it can have, however he wasn't depressed before then (and we rarely did it) or now. I think it's the reluctancy to seek help. I did ask if he was gay which was dismissed and also had testosterone checked, all ok. However maybe it's also me now as I don't really see him in that way but I guess after so long together that can't be expected as much as early days together.

OP posts:
Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife · 06/06/2017 07:56

Do you want to have sex with him?

Original poster
flossiepie · 06/06/2017 09:47

Yes as I want to avoid a broken marriage and would like too rekindle some intimacy but I think making the first move is the worst bit. In the past (previous partners) I've usually been confident but I think lack of confidence and fear of been pushed away makes me not want to.

OP posts:
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