sexless or split

[flossiepie]

In a nutshell been married 12 years, haven't had sex for last 4 years. DH is a loving dad, kind and supportive and tells new often he loves me. Initially he witheld it when he was depressed but now we have left it so long neither of us want to. ..or are scared too. He keeps saying we will make more effort but it never happens.

Massively wrongly I had a one off with a guy I met who is in a similar situation to me. We both craved intimacy and passion and met up. Yes I know this is completely wrong but it showed me what it was to feel desired and attractive. He lives at a distance so it won't happen again.

No idea what to do and should I bite the bullet and leave

Our marriage lacked sex and intimacy and it's taking consistent effort to bring them back into our relationship but we are both committed to it and it is working.

I brought it to a head, we had spoken quite a few times about it but when I started talking about separation it brought things out into the open. We're focusing on what we both want from the marriage and trying to meet each other's need. We have gone over old resentments and problems which have been allowed to fester and we make an effort to communicate better which has been the key.

I hope you manage to get some resolution.

Well you can't not tell him about the affair and stay in the marriage asking for sex; it would put his sexual health at risk.
You should either end it, or to tell him about the affair and let him decide.

Sorry but no sex means no relationship to me so I'd have to leave; what you did was awful, totally selfish and nasty but yes a symptom of just how bad the relationship has got to, unless you both agree to go to counselling and are actually 100% up for it, I'd call it a day.

Is there any touching,hugging or affection because if not then the feeling of being unloved will eat away at you,it affects your confidence .You need to have a frank talk with him about if this is enough for you both and if not plan what to do about it.

Yes cuddling and affection but we both kind of freeze beyond that.

Have a drink to help with nerves first?

Op , you asked how things are for those of us who left : for me , It's been many months now since our break up and all is well so far. I am happier, healthier and more productive. Like you it wasn't a sudden change , we rarely did it anyway and when we did it , it felt very fake and sterile . I also found that once the intimacy is not working , it is so much harder to ignore the other person's daily annoyance and short comings . Resentment builds up etc . I hope you found a solution hun

"" Personally, I would tell him you slept with someone else. It could be the kick up the backside he needs to bring the intimacy back in your marriage as he might be worried you do it again or, worse case, leave him.""

So with that advise in mind any man out there with a depressed DW go and have an affair to give your poor partner a right kick up the arse to shock her into sex again ....not the best advise really is it

How would you feel if your DH cheated on you? You should come clean and leave.

Sorry OP when I said I was in a similar situation, I meant the no intimacy in the relationship part NOT the having sex with another man thing. That will probably upset your husband quite a lot and more than likely change the trust and respect in the relationship. Not saying this to point fingers just to give you an honest opinion.

My ex and I didn't have sex or any form of physical contact for almost 4 years, many times I asked her what the problem was, I asked her to go to the doctors, she refused, I arranged counselling, she refused to go, everything I did, was blocked, I tried for almost 10 years to get to the bottom of the problem.
Eventually, I left and it's been the best thing I ever did, those who say sex isn't important, to me, are dillusional,, sex is an animalistic act, we are basically animals, they procreate to ensure the next generation are there to continue the species, so why shouldn't humans do the same.
For those who are happy in a sexless relationship, fair enough, but, It's not for me, I enjoy sex, kissing, cuddling and being with my partner, we hold hands, spend a lot of time with each other, talking, eating, sleeping, shopping and sex is only a small part of what we are and do, it's not a 24/7 activity, but we connect and that works for us. Lust has a lot to answer for, yes, we can be in Morrisons, she may lean over a freezer to reach for a chicken or a tub of ice cream, a though enters my head and I'll whisper something naughty in her ear, every time, it will bring a smile to her face, she may say something back, but it's not a case of tearing each other clothes off there and then, but a little tease that will last all day.
I won't tell you to stay or go, but, I left and have no regrets.

A.

I was reading an article about this at the weekend and it described the awkwardness of couples who do not have sex regularly and how it almost feels wrong and a bit incestuous after years of living like brother and sister. It was advocating counselling for those who want to resolve matters, opening up the relationship with given boundaries for those that are happy together and don't want to split and leaving for those that cant deal with the second option.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to carry on as is so I'd either leave or work on it. If you have a go at saving your marriage, going to therapy would be best and you can go for sexual therapy rather than anything else. I probably wouldn't try to attempt full on sex straight away. Perhaps some massages, lying naked together, kissing etc. to gradually build things up.

This sort of thing.
counselling-matters.org.uk/sites/counselling-matters/files/SensateFocus.pdf

I genuinely believe the intimate side of a relationship can run its course and I also believe many many people are doing what I did and having to get drunk to tolerate sex for decades even which is so unhealthy and wrong. It's the 21st century. We are not in Syria. Why can't we all be more honest about it and review how marriage creates a fucking unrealistic scenario in many cases where we subjugate control of our bodies and happiness just so we don't rock the boat.

I'm in the process of separating as that intimacy just wasn't there any more after 18 years. It's tough to make the change but husband and I are hopeful we can both get that missing intimacy back with others, in due course.

You're saying you want to avoid a broken marriage, but also that you crave intimacy and looked elsewhere. If you stay with him, you will probably end up having an affair. It sounds like the only reason it only happened once with the other man is because he lives too far away.

You need to tell your DH, and make him really listen to you that you cannot tolerate this anymore, you do not want to live like this anymore and it needs to change.

OP he needs to know you cheated on him. Why don't you arrange an evening out doing something fun you've both enjoy in the past?
You need to connect again. Go for a meal, and book a hotel. Have some drinks, and just brave it. But he does deserve to know you cheated, alongside knowing you really want to try and make your relationship work.

Any updates OP?