My brother is opposing respite care for mum. Help!

[Twinklyfaerieglade]

DM has been wheelchair bound for 40 years and paralysed for the last 16. She has always been looked after by my dad at home. I managed to get them to have Social Care visits, growing from one a day a few years ago to four a day now. However for the last two years she has also had dementia which has made the situation worse. She hates hoists so dad lifts her on and off the commode several times a day. If she has to go in the hoist she cries so dad lifts her. She is very light, 5 stone but dad is only 8.5 stone and they are both 88. He also prepares all their meals, does all washing, housework, shopping etc.
He has recently told me he is very tired and needs a break. Admitting this after 40 years is a huge thing for him. He takes the "in sickness and in health" vow very seriously.
So I contacted Social Services to ask for a respite assessment. My brother is adamant that mum should not be looked after outside the home as it would disturb her (he is right she wouldn't like it) He will not accept dad needs a break and is putting pressure on dad to buy in extra help at home. My brother lives 80 miles away and visits every two months, phoning once per week. He has no clue about how much dad is on call and consequently how much he relies on me. I live alone and have recently stopped working so I speak with dad for half an hour a day and go over to see them and take dad shopping 3 times a week. I live 20 miles from them. I cannot do more and I don't want to see dad drop down dead in front of me.
How do I get my brother to see that his solution is unworkable? He is very superior and has always been treated as both the golden child and the family genius. Not justified as we have exactly the same academic qualifications but dad is convinced my brother is the fount of all wisdom.
I am beginning to think my only possible solution is to slightly distance myself and do what I can but no more.

Tell your brother to fuck off. Until he comes to take care of your mother 24/7 for just ONE month, he has no say in the matter.

You need to ask him if his opposition to the respite means he is offering to come and care for his DM to give his DF a rest. If he is not planning to do this then he needs to butt out.

You need to advocate for your DAD. This poor man is being literally worked to death caring for your mum. Your concern needs to be about what's best for him.

Tell your brother to take a weeks annual leave, bring a suitcase and move in with them for the week so he can do the respite care for his parents to his requirements without mum having to go anywhere.

Your dad could even come to you for a couple of those 7 days.

You tell him, verbally and in writing, exactly what constitutes an average day for your dad and exactly what you do. And you tell him he is selfish, arrogant and ignorant and remind him that he has no legal say over this whatsoever. I'd raise that pressuring your dad not to have the break he sorely needs and massively deserves could be seen as abusive, too.

Well first of all, I've been there.

Have you thought about having the mother of all rows with him?

I often found that habits were so entrenched that there was always someone declaring that the only way forward was to keep on keeping on. And sometimes I had to go nuclear to get them to realise how much people were close to breaking point.

Ring him and tear a strip off. Tell him Dad has to be as important as Mum.

But be aware, your Dad may not do respite at the last minute out of guilt. There wouldn't be anything you can do about that.

Your Dad gets to make the final decision, it has nothing to do with your brother, he does NOT get a say in it! You need to tell him this very clearly.

It is not up to your brother and if he is that opposed to it then he can come and provide all the care you Mum needs whilst your Dad has a break.

As I provide personal care for my daughter including manual handling I know how tough it is and I am exhausted ... your Dad is over 40 years older than me. I don't know how he does it.

Stand up for your Dad before he breaks down.

Always seems to be the relative who offers the least practical and emotional support who often turns out be be the biggest pain in the arse in these situations.

You may or may not be able to change your brothers mind. Taking your Dad away for a holiday, insisting your brother replaces your Dad, and manages with carers, could help.

Otherwise, it's not what your brother thinks that matters. It's choices for your parents to make, supported and guided by you, because effectively, your brothers not there.

If you ignored brother, and tried to work on Dad. Emphasise whatever is persuasive to him. That if he doesn't have a break, his health will go, and he won't be able to carry on?

Find out what's possible. Respite care elsewhere?where? How to finance?
Is 24hr care in her own home ,for say ,a week , a possibility offered by local agencies?

If your Dad will agree, to a definite plan, get on the phone and tell your brother in no uncertain terms that that's what's happening, and if he doesn't care for it he can organise respite differently next time.

My uncle was a bit like this when my gran was deteriorating with dementia, my mum did the bulk of stuff to keep an eye on gran and my uncle would periodically swan in and make out like he knew what was best for her. I ended up supporting my mum with confronting my uncle, I attended the meetings with social services with my mum and was vocal about what needed to happen. Unfortunately it's meant my relationship with my uncle never recovered but I did what was right at the time for my mum who needed the support. In the end my gran ended up wandering and was found with a broken wrist. Only the did my uncle admit there was an issue

Stick to your guns OP and stick up for what you know is right. It might make for uncomfortable family gatherings but you have to advocate for those who can't. My uncle couldn't accept that she was deteriorating, frankly sticking his head in the sand wasn't going to help my mum or gran.

So your brother comes to stay and look after your mum for a week.
If he doesnt do that he has no right to an opinion.
Is he ignorant and bullying about other things?

Unless your brother is prepared to come in and look after your mum for a week so your dad can get away or have mum to his house for the week he really has no say!

Tell him to jog on.

I see this so often with families and it infuriates me.

Your poor dad!

Has such an assessment actually been carried out by Social Services?
Would your dad actually let these people into their home?. Your father in particular is in all likelihood now suffering from carer burnout and will become unable to care for his wife if he continues. I would emphasise to your dad that it is more than ok to accept outside help now despite what his son says.

Unfortunately your parents have allowed this dynamic of he being the golden child to be created and now its really coming down to bite them.

I would tell your brother most firmly to butt out as he has no real idea of what is happening here with his parents day to day. He is also too distant both mentally and physically to be of any real use here to either of them.

Whilst he is well enough to have a say, it's up to your dad.

In this situation i would probably visit and argue with my sibling.

Might it be an option financially and practically for carers to stay in the family home with your DM while your dad goes elsewhere for a break?

It might sadly now, or very soon, be impossible for your dad to care for your mum.

Assuming that he's attempting, very badly, to protect your DM without understanding the situation, and assuming that you are normally a "nice" accommodating person, then I think that going nuclear might work wonders here. Hearing you scream down the phone in defence of your DF, and yelling at your DB exactly why he needs to STFU can be surprisingly effective.

I love all my family dearly (they're very nice though none of us are perfect) and I have lost my temper with senior family members precisely twice in fifty years when they inadvertently did something dreadful. Both times they straightened up and flew right with astonishing speed.

As a carer, your father is entitled to an assessment. I really think your brother should step up to the plate and look after your mum so he can see what the reality is like. If your parents are on a low income, can you and your brother pay for a cleaner to take some of the burden off him on a permanent basis.

I would be asking him if he plans to care FT for your mum when your dad drops dead from exhustion? Because if he keeps up his stupid opposition the choice will be full time outside care or he cares full time for her. He has no idea how fucking hard being a carer is nevermind at 88!

Gosh. Thank you everyone for your great advice and support. Strangely I feel better just for knowing I am not being unreasonable.
I will call out my brother on his views, he knows I can be fiery so it won't have the surprise factor but is worth trying. Sadly I don't think my dad will decide alone. He said a year ago that all decisions should be three way (him,me,bro) so I will have to tread carefully. He hates to see his children at odds.
But at the end of the day I must protect my dad as best I can.
Thank you all again

if you're usually fiery, he won't expect the extremely calm, quiet approach - tell him that living so far away, he doesn't see the realities of what your dad faces. in order to understand he either comes down for a week or your mum goes to respite care for a week. which does he think is better for your mum?

Has your brother done any of the care for your mother? Can he give dad a break for a day or two once every three weeks?

Tell your Dad that he can only continue to be a good carer if he takes a break. Talk to him about what will happen to your mum if he tires himself out looking after her

Carers trust should also be able to provide more support to your dad

Jesus your brother had no fucking idea. He sounds really thick tbh. I'm a carer and even looking after people I'm not related to can be so emotionally draining as well as physically.
Respite sounds like it would be so good for your dad, he needs a good quality of life too. Tell your brother to dick off. If he doesn't want your mum to go into respite then he does it himself. No other option. Selfish cunt.
Your dad sounds like an amazing person op.

It's funny how it's always the non-care giving relative who opposes the respite for somebody else actually providing the care - FFS!

I would be sorely tempted to tell my brother in this situation that that was fine and his parents would be expecting him on such-and-such a date to look after his mother in her own home while our father was going to stay with me for a week. See how he likes them turnips!

Please get your DF some respite.
Also very seriously consider getting a Power of Attorney organised if you don't already have one for one or both of your parents.
Have that difficult conversation about longterm care - just sow that seed of thinking about what is to happen 'just in case': what if your DF needs hospitalisation and cannot look after her? What if she falls and breaks her hip??

Wishing you the very best of luck - my family has had similar issues and my gran who lived to 102 was looked after at home to the very end. It was not pretty, not safe and near-enough finished my mother off.

Sometimes strength and love lies in accepting that we need help