My brother is opposing respite care for mum. Help!

[Twinklyfaerieglade]

DM has been wheelchair bound for 40 years and paralysed for the last 16. She has always been looked after by my dad at home. I managed to get them to have Social Care visits, growing from one a day a few years ago to four a day now. However for the last two years she has also had dementia which has made the situation worse. She hates hoists so dad lifts her on and off the commode several times a day. If she has to go in the hoist she cries so dad lifts her. She is very light, 5 stone but dad is only 8.5 stone and they are both 88. He also prepares all their meals, does all washing, housework, shopping etc.
He has recently told me he is very tired and needs a break. Admitting this after 40 years is a huge thing for him. He takes the "in sickness and in health" vow very seriously.
So I contacted Social Services to ask for a respite assessment. My brother is adamant that mum should not be looked after outside the home as it would disturb her (he is right she wouldn't like it) He will not accept dad needs a break and is putting pressure on dad to buy in extra help at home. My brother lives 80 miles away and visits every two months, phoning once per week. He has no clue about how much dad is on call and consequently how much he relies on me. I live alone and have recently stopped working so I speak with dad for half an hour a day and go over to see them and take dad shopping 3 times a week. I live 20 miles from them. I cannot do more and I don't want to see dad drop down dead in front of me.
How do I get my brother to see that his solution is unworkable? He is very superior and has always been treated as both the golden child and the family genius. Not justified as we have exactly the same academic qualifications but dad is convinced my brother is the fount of all wisdom.
I am beginning to think my only possible solution is to slightly distance myself and do what I can but no more.

Your dad really needs the respite, even if it's just for a week to recharge.

My dm is my dfs care, and as yourself takes the 'in sickness and in health' vows seriously.

Ignore your db. Help your df have a break.

'That's absolutely fine DB. In fact, I'm glad you feel that way. Will you be coming up during the week or on a weekend to give Dad the respite he needs? Or will you simply be paying for the extra care?'

My granny had dementia and lived with my parents. They were relatively fit and well but it was exhausting. My uncle, who lived miles away and was in complete denial was very opposed to her going into residential care.

Mum and dad booked a month trip to Australia and arranged for granny to be cared for by myself and the Uncle and his wife. I had a baby and boy, it was so difficult and I was a trained nurse. Uncle and his wife had a massive wake up call.

Oddly enough, on their return my parents were surprised that everyone was in agreement that being at home was no longer safe.

Give it to your brother in no uncertain terms and keep going back to that word: safe. Your dad isn't safe and nor is mum so in what way is that best for them? He provides 24/7 care or wakes up and smells the coffee. Email him and then phone.

Good luck.

Oh, and far better to be able to find a nice place now than in an emergency because your dad has finally cracked up. This happened to a friend when his dad died very suddenly and his mum, who had dementia had to be accommodated that very same day.